Author PuntserVA Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Why am I so hurt by the fact that she is getting married? I keep getting depressed about how I'm not going to be as important in her life, and how she won't reach out to me any more, etc. But I never did anything before she got engaged to suggest I was going to leave my W and go be with her, so why am I so troubled now? I took my friggin' wife to Paris for our anniversary late last year and we had a terrific time. I didn't even contact OW during this time. And now I find myself checking OW's Facebook page several times a day, looking at a picture of her with her new beau on her beau's page.... just pathetic isn't it? How do I stop being pathetic?
Author PuntserVA Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Oh by the way that video was pretty funny. Over the top, but funny. Sigh. I'm such an idiot.
MissBee Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Why am I so hurt by the fact that she is getting married? I keep getting depressed about how I'm not going to be as important in her life, and how she won't reach out to me any more, etc. But I never did anything before she got engaged to suggest I was going to leave my W and go be with her, so why am I so troubled now? I took my friggin' wife to Paris for our anniversary late last year and we had a terrific time. I didn't even contact OW during this time. And now I find myself checking OW's Facebook page several times a day, looking at a picture of her with her new beau on her beau's page.... just pathetic isn't it? How do I stop being pathetic? Because you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want this OW in your life, on your terms, whenever YOU want her. It's like when you were a child and you have a toy that you don't frequently play with, but when your mom says she's going to pack it up and give it away, all of a sudden you feel defensive, like it is yours, and you need it, and want it...even though realistically, you can't tell when you last played with it! You just want it on your shelf, to look at, to know it is yours, IN CASE you decide you want it. The idea that it will not be yours anymore and you will never play with it again makes your feelings of possessiveness go into overdrive. Possessiveness and actual care and love aren't the same. As you said : YOU won't be important in her life, she won;t reach out to YOU anymore. This is about how her marrying will ruin your life and limit your access. You're the kid who wants his toy because: it's mine and I don't want anyone else to have it, even though I don't play with it and have other favorite toys. You feel how you feel...and I've felt that way before. But it's irrational and selfish. You're scared of losing the validation your OW provided and the option. You don't want her to marry because she will no longer be on the menu, should you decide you want her. Everyone wants someone who chooses them fully, whom they can also choose fully. You can't have your cake and eat it too...it's either or. You can't expect to have a wife who you supposedly love and take on romantic getaways and then an OW who sits by the sidelines and plays when you want. You will just have to suck that up and work on that childish part of us that we all have, that is a spoiled brat, who wants the world to revolve around our needs and desires immediately and without care to other people as their own agents. 3
Author PuntserVA Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Because you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want this OW in your life, on your terms, whenever YOU want her. It's like when you were a child and you have a toy that you don't frequently play with, but when your mom says she's going to pack it up and give it away, all of a sudden you feel defensive, like it is yours, and you need it, and want it...even though realistically, you can't tell when you last played with it! You just want it on your shelf, to look at, to know it is yours, IN CASE you decide you want it. The idea that it will not be yours anymore and you will never play with it again makes your feelings of possessiveness go into overdrive. Possessiveness and actual care and love aren't the same. As you said : YOU won't be important in her life, she won;t reach out to YOU anymore. This is about how her marrying will ruin your life and limit your access. You're the kid who wants his toy because: it's mine and I don't want anyone else to have it, even though I don't play with it and have other favorite toys. You feel how you feel...and I've felt that way before. But it's irrational and selfish. You're scared of losing the validation your OW provided and the option. You don't want her to marry because she will no longer be on the menu, should you decide you want her. Everyone wants someone who chooses them fully, whom they can also choose fully. You can't have your cake and eat it too...it's either or. You can't expect to have a wife who you supposedly love and take on romantic getaways and then an OW who sits by the sidelines and plays when you want. You will just have to suck that up and work on that childish part of us that we all have, that is a spoiled brat, who wants the world to revolve around our needs and desires immediately and without care to other people as their own agents. You're right I can't expect it. But telling me I'm selfish is wasting your breath, because I already know that. The question is why, and how do I stop?
Pillow Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 You're right I can't expect it. But telling me I'm selfish is wasting your breath, because I already know that. The question is why, and how do I stop? Hit rock bottom. When someone loses things they take for granted, they learn not to do it. Your W needs to find out about the affair. 1
Author PuntserVA Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Your W needs to find out about the affair. If I'm going to fix me, and stop this kind of behavior, why? I'm not saying I haven't hurt her, and that I haven't done wrong, but isn't there an argument to be made that disclosure could make things worse? Maybe you're right, and I can see the justification -- she's got the right to know who she married, and to go her own way if that's what she chooses to do. Really torn here. Maybe I should just go get help and let the counselor help me sort it out.
nofool4u Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 She intends to get married, but she wrote this to me: "I love you because you are the most incredible person that I've ever met. Smart, funny, true, genuine, giving. I've never ever connected with someone the way I do with you. And I never will." Then not only did she help you disrespect your wife, she is now disrespecting her future husand. If she feels the way in that last sentence, then she should not be doing her fiance the disservice of fooling him into marriage. If I was to marry someone, and I got ahold of that letter, I'd tell her I want my ring back and to not let the door hit her in the ass on the way out. As far as her comments, she is deluding herself. "Smart, funny true, genuine, giving" Its not real smart to be married and think the grass is greener on the other side. Nobody that cheats is true and genuine. Giving? Well that may be true. What did you hope to accomplish by telling us what she said in the letter? That we'd be choked up inside and tell you to run to this woman? Yes, run to this woman I think you should. But not because I think you are in love with her, but rather to save your wife and this other guy she is about to trick into marriage. 1
Author PuntserVA Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 What did you hope to accomplish by telling us what she said in the letter? That we'd be choked up inside and tell you to run to this woman? Yes, run to this woman I think you should. But not because I think you are in love with her, but rather to save your wife and this other guy she is about to trick into marriage. I'm just interested in perspectives is all. I'm not asking for sympathy here -- I've called myself plenty of names already here, so it's not like I'm not admitting this is mostly my own doing.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 IC is a good idea, but if he waits too long he is obviously going to lose the OW. There are in fact therapists who advice against breaking it off with/taking time off from the OW until sufficient progress has been made in IC. I've never heard this before. Ever. I don't believe (in my opinion) that any therapist would tell someone to keep their AP in the picture while trying to figure out what/who they want. 4
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 She intends to get married, but she wrote this to me: "I love you because you are the most incredible person that I've ever met. Smart, funny, true, genuine, giving. I've never ever connected with someone the way I do with you. And I never will." She also says she doesn't understand how I would be so upset when before her engagement I took trips with my wife and, to her, was "happily married." Translation: You have no right to be really hurt by me getting married since you have a wife. To her you were happily married because you STILL lived life with your wife, as well as keeping the affair going for so long. Having the cake and eating it too. Both of you seemed to have it both ways. Why am I so hurt by the fact that she is getting married? I keep getting depressed about how I'm not going to be as important in her life, and how she won't reach out to me any more, etc. But I never did anything before she got engaged to suggest I was going to leave my W and go be with her, so why am I so troubled now? I took my friggin' wife to Paris for our anniversary late last year and we had a terrific time. I didn't even contact OW during this time. And now I find myself checking OW's Facebook page several times a day, looking at a picture of her with her new beau on her beau's page.... just pathetic isn't it? How do I stop being pathetic? Delete yourself off her friends list. Otherwise you'll sit there and be depressed/obsessed with her. And it'll be harder for you to grieve the loss and let go. This is your ego hurting, not being number one to her. The thing is, in your heart she may be your number one, but if she truly WERE your number one and you were hers, a divorce would happen and she would not marry her fiancee. Bottomline is, it was an affair, you fell for one another and now it's over. She's chosen to go ahead and get married. 1
Emme Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 You're right I can't expect it. But telling me I'm selfish is wasting your breath, because I already know that. The question is why, and how do I stop? Your just mad you won't be the one to tuck her in at night. That's all. You won't have kids with her and have a mini me. It's simple reasons why. You want what you can't have. You're no longer as special as you thought you were, she traded you in. Pick one. Your emotions won't stop anytime soon. You beginning to focus on stopping those emotions, tell your wife.
BetrayedH Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I recommend you go to survivinginfidelity.com and post on the wayward side forum that you have just gotten out of an affair and need counsel on how to come clean with your wife and to begin to life an authentic life. Individual counseling will also help you. But first you need to decide that you actually want to be in that marriage. Doing damage control ain't gonna cut it. You have to have real remorse and the patience for it take 2-5 years for her to heal. Either way, she deserves the opportunity to make the choice for herself. Find the courage to tell her the truth (the complete truth) so she can now live HER life. 1
Furious Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Why wait when you can live? I never understood OW who wait. Regarding the OP, to me it looks like their relationship may well continue after she's married. Yes, I agree the affair will most likely continue and also the marriage will continue. It's a win, win, situation for the married man. Anyway, if the affair does end, he will find another woman to replace the OW. 1
standtall Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 It is not possible to be a better husband than she has as long as you continue to lie...by omission or otherwise. You would have to divorce her to give her that opportunity to have a better husband. Let the beatings commence!
Author PuntserVA Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 Your just mad you won't be the one to tuck her in at night. That's all. You won't have kids with her and have a mini me. It's simple reasons why. You want what you can't have. You're no longer as special as you thought you were, she traded you in. Pick one. Your emotions won't stop anytime soon. You beginning to focus on stopping those emotions, tell your wife. I guess being at a keyboard gives people the freedom to be harsh and cruel.
Author PuntserVA Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 Does her future husband know about you? She is going to build a life with him on a foundation of lies and that is despicable. You may be funny and smart as she says, but I think she is wrong about you being genuine and giving. Why do you both feel the need to play these games with your wife and her future husband as if they are merely pieces on a board game that they don't even know they're playing in. There's no way her future husband knows. And I am sure she has no plans to tell him.
Author PuntserVA Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 With a man she doesn't fully love? This is a receipt for disaster. Two people with the wrong people. OP, your OW has been unfaithful with you while being in a relationship with her fiancee, right? Yes, as recently as March, 8 weeks before getting engaged.
BetrayedH Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I guess being at a keyboard gives people the freedom to be harsh and cruel. Do you have no remorse for your own cruelty? What about the other two people in this scenario with you? Do they deserve this? These posters are simply speaking truth to you. Don't shoot the messenger.
Furious Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 There's no way her future husband knows. And I am sure she has no plans to tell him. How do you feel about that?
Author PuntserVA Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 How do you feel about that? I don't think I have the credibility to offer an opinion on the matter.
Furious Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I think she wants what you have, someone secure, someone to share a life with.
Author PuntserVA Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 I think she wants what you have, someone secure, someone to share a life with. Yeah, I'm sure. And she has the right to have it. I think she might not be ready, and I think she might have some things to sort out in her head, but she has the right to have a healthy relationship. And that's probably not with me. I just wish I didn't adore her so.
Furious Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Yeah, I'm sure. And she has the right to have it. I think she might not be ready, and I think she might have some things to sort out in her head, but she has the right to have a healthy relationship. And that's probably not with me. I just wish I didn't adore her so. I agree she is rushing into marriage and in a very damaging way. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness is not an entitlement and it cannot ever be achieved if it is built on deceit. 2
Steen719 Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I agree she is rushing into marriage and in a very damaging way. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness is not an entitlement and it cannot ever be achieved if it is built on deceit. Hear Hear...I believe this wholeheartedly.
Author PuntserVA Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 OP, to put this all in some kind of a realistic perspective, if your OW is long distance and you believe you are the only "other" man she's having sex with, you're most likely fooling yourself. What she said about you being the "greatest" guy ever is so over the top and obviously meant to flatter you that it just sounds like a line she uses, she's just as much of a player as you are. Any woman who could cheat on her fiance only weeks before the wedding and make it clear she has an intention to cheat on him after getting married can easily cheat on her boyfriend too. I'm not even sure she really has a fiance, maybe the whole thing is fictitious, just a way to press your buttons and see if she could actually get you to divorce your wife. She sounds pretty conniving, even more so than yourself, given that at least you're having some doubts/misgivings/second thoughts. It doesn't sound like your gf is having any. Watch out. Sounds like the player is gettin' played. Interesting thoughts, pretty wild theories, mostly not factual. But thanks. I think.
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