caughtupwithb Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 So there's this guy ive been 'friends' with for quite sometime. He always stays in touch and even if he's in a relationship he always comes back to me. Just a week ago i called him but he couldnt talk because he was at work. Although he didnt pick up he messaged me straight away and asked what was up. I told him i called because my tyre was flat and i was hoping he could walk me through changing it but that it was ok because some random stopped to help. He replied and said he hoped i was okay and that he was sorry he didnt reply to my message from the week before (i missed his call so i replied the day after but he didnt reply. He said was working things out with his gf. I didnt reply. And he sends a msg saying: out of curiousity have you been doing it much? I didnt reply. he sends another: we can still be friends. i replied about an hr later and just said always. So he replied straightaway and said so have you been? i didnt reply. and about half an hour later he says this: i wont message you anymore but i've been having a rough time with my girlfriend, and knowing a hotty like you wanted me once just makes me feel a bit better why would he send me a message like that when he said earlier we can still be friends? does he actually mean he wont msg me anymore or was that to trigger a response from me because i wasnt responding to any of his messages? im confused
Philosoraptor Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Well I'm no expert but all signs point to you being his ego boost when necessary. You let him know he is wanted and give him the support he doesn't have from within nor from the person he dates.
Author caughtupwithb Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 Thanks for the reply Philosoraptor So basically im that friend who gives him an ego boost when he needs it? what a jerk do you think he actually means it when he says he wont message anymore? what should i do? i wasnt replying because it kinda hurts to hear that he's 'working' things out.. i mean who asked? why does he just bring that up so randomly too?
Philosoraptor Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I doubt he means he won't ever contact again. Sounds more like he was digging for sympathy and trying to guilt you into replying. What should you do? You need to do whatever you feel is best for your own happiness. If something is bringing you pain you'd be best not to engage in it anymore. You wouldn't touch the stove again after it's already burned you once now would you?
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 You're just another option on the line....don't think you're the only one either. He's using a push and pull tactic, pulls you in then pushes you away...its a way of creating distance and a fabricated romance fantasy in his own head. He feels like he could totally have you easily if he wanted to, and sometimes he should... Yet on the other hand he still loves his Gf and apart of him is dedicated to that, so he beats himself over the head for this dynamic and includes you in it so you see that he has interest in you and then you give him the attention he needs But then he's letting you know he still thinks you're a hot piece of ass and wouldn't mind tapping it... He's using the friendship as a scapegoat to cheat, but since you're not saying you don't care that he has a GF (which he wants you to say) and he does feel confident in making a move since you haven't given him the green light yet and he's probably a little worried about cheating, then he hesitates. Don't fall for this....cut this guy off, the best that will happen is you'll be used as a rebound or temporary ego boost so he can get back into the game and you'll be left feeling like ****..this guy doesn't give a damn about you really, don't believe the BS, the only friend he wants to be with is your vagina.
ascendotum Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 So basically im that friend who gives him an ego boost when he needs it? what a jerk do you think he actually means it when he says he wont message anymore? what should i do? i wasnt replying because it kinda hurts to hear that he's 'working' things out.. i mean who asked? why does he just bring that up so randomly too? Dont assume that just from this one series of txts. You have been friends with him for a while, in and out of relationships you said, so take into account the pattern & nature of his contact over that period not just this day..and likewise do you only contact him when you are feeling down or need help (like with your car). Friendship is a two way street. My guess is he is angling to see if you have feelings for him and if you have had a bit of a dry spell when it comes to guys and maybe wouldn't mind catching up with him to cheer him up....or maybe more. If you are friends he probably will contact you again, but not for a little while. When you went silent on his txts he would picked up that the friendly/flirty banter he was hoping for wasn't going according to plan. Its up to you what you want to do, you could just ignore it and treat your friendship as it was before or maybe call him as a friend to say sorry to hear things arent going well in his relationship and cheer him up (but making it clear where you stand if he's hoping for something more and you dont)
stillafool Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I hope you don't have "feelings" for this guy because as others have said he is using you for an ego boost. He would have sex with you but if he were romantically interested he would ask you out on a real date, try to get to know you, and make you his gf. He has not done that. I think you should HOPE that he never contacts you again as he is wasting your time. 1
Author caughtupwithb Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Thanks for the advice everyone, it really helps Ninjainpajamas: "You're just another option on the line....don't think you're the only one either. ~ the sad thing is, i have that suspicion but yet im still holding on. im so stupid i know He feels like he could totally have you easily if he wanted to, and sometimes he should... ~ what do you mean sometimes he should? But then he's letting you know he still thinks you're a hot piece of ass and wouldn't mind tapping it..." ~ should i just be flattered and not want anything more? ascendotum: "My guess is he is angling to see if you have feelings for him and if you have had a bit of a dry spell when it comes to guys and maybe wouldn't mind catching up with him to cheer him up....or maybe more. If you are friends he probably will contact you again, but not for a little while" ~ we do have a bit of a history and our relationship/friendship goes way back. we've known each other for about 9 years but lost contact for about 4 years. he had a thing for me way back then and we reconnected again a little over 2 years ago. we've been 'friends' since...everytime he gets in touch he'll always find a way to ask if im seeing someone. for some reason i just cant be honest about my feelings, im scared to get hurt. He messaged me once and said: 'one day i promise. when it happens ill love it'- that was his response to a comment i made saying if only you werent taken... stillafool: "I hope you don't have "feelings" for this guy" ~ i do it sounds so pathetic i know but im so upset that he hasnt bothered to reply to my last message. i said: "i've been well just busy with work. im sorry it took me awhile to message back i just got back home from the gym. to answer your question... no i havnt, you were my last. call me a prude but you know how i am..." THEN I REALISED HE DIDNT ASK HOW I WAS but 'have you been?' so i send another: "omg im so retarted i thought you asked how i was lol. anyways, you have my number so be sure to keep in touch. like you said we can still be friends. always, p xx" why didnt he reply? i thought i was being nice about the whole situation?
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Ninjainpajamas: "You're just another option on the line....don't think you're the only one either. ~ the sad thing is, i have that suspicion but yet im still holding on. im so stupid i know You do realize that if he was really interested in you he would have made you his gf and had plenty of times to? The sad part is you accept this, you just sound very weak and vulnerable...essentially the perfect victim. You're always there when he needs you, you're the perfect victim and always fall for his weak, twisted charm. Doesn't seem you want to save yourself from this...i guess you just can't believe he's never saw you as anything serious and you're just a backup. He feels like he could totally have you easily if he wanted to, and sometimes he should... ~ what do you mean sometimes he should? Everytime he tries to contact you he replies, that means you're an easy option and you're consistent. He founds out how available you are as an option, you confirm this, he pretends to value you the friendship when it's only a ploy to get closer to you. He just debates how much to invest into you just enough to keep you on the line, thats why he backs off once you confirm you'll still be there. I mean you know he has a GF already but he's still hinting at others things obviously, you seem gullible and he picks this up, hes testing the limits and seeing what he can get away with. But then he's letting you know he still thinks you're a hot piece of ass and wouldn't mind tapping it..." ~ should i just be flattered and not want anything more? I wouldn't take it literally, he's flirting with you just to score some points...some weak, meagre charm to excite you but clearly that he shows attraction. You shouldn't play this guys game, he's obviously scoping out future prospects and a guy who does this would definitely do this to you, dont you for one second think that some other girl would be in your shoes if you were together and he was having "trouble" in the relationship. He's using your emotions against you and knows your interest level already its just a matter of time he makes a play...this is exactly what a man does that is looking to hurt you...I can promise you that, I know this guys move better than he does...hes an amatuer and it's glaringly obvious to me as a man with experience and as a former cheater. 1
Author caughtupwithb Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Ninjainpajamas, thank you! I think you've just saved me from heartbreak! (although ill be lying if i said im not already hurting ). You are so right and i wish i had you around to give such great advice before i was in too deep! oohhh the regrets... When you say: "its just a matter of time he makes a play" as a former cheater how much time did you invest in playing games? Im just a little confused because this thing between us has been going on for the last 2 years? He messaged after 2 weeks and again it was just so random... he said: what do you do when sex in a relationship starts to die Stupid me replied and gave him advice and like 2 days later he says 'thanks for the advice, it worked' Why send that for? i dont really want to know I guess it was my mistake for dishing out advice in the first place? What's the game play there? and should i bother responding?
ascendotum Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 So there's this guy ive been 'friends' with for quite sometime. He always stays in touch and even if he's in a relationship he always comes back to me. OP re-reading this, I might have missed the nature of your friendship. 'friends' + 'always comes back to me' does this mean you have been having sex with him on and off over the last 2 yrs?
Quiet Storm Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 He always comes back to you because you are always available. He doesn't have to groom you the way he would have to groom new prospects. He doesn't have to do anything to invest in the relationship. You are always there. You are a consistent ego boost. The only thing he is really concerned about is if you have been with other men or not. Don't confuse this with genuine interest in you as a person. He is only asking this because he doesn't want other men playing with his toys, which could jeopardize your availability. I'm not saying that you are a toy, but I think that's how he sees you- as someone that he can take off the shelf whenever he wants to play. It also is an ego boost for him, to know that you have not moved on. You can't take everything that men say at face value, because the good ones and the bad ones often say the same things. You must pay attention to their actions, not just words. It is easy for a man to SAY that he loves you and cares for you, but actually SHOWING love and care takes time and effort. 1
mermaid1984 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 How long has he been with this girlfriend? Do you live in the same place? Is it possible that you could have a relationship with him? How did you meet and did he have a girlfriend when you met him? Also, how old is he? These may give us clues to his behavior.
mermaid1984 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Also, when was the last time you had sex? Was he with his girlfriend? This would not be the sign of boyfriend material.
MrCastle Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 My question is; why didn't you reply to some of his texts? Struggling to understand this. Trying to get into the female psyche here. Someone sends you a message, you read it, understand it, and you don't reply? Why?
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