bcm235 Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 (edited) So I posted on here a few weeks back about the troublesome long distance relationship that I recently ended. Im 27 and I was with a girl who was five years younger. We were together 3 months before I had to move to a new town 3 hours drive away for a job whilst she went off to start a new University course. She was very insecure her last boyfriend hit her alot she cut herself once or twice but she was getting counselling. The month before I went away she got all clingy, checking my phone got annoyed about me seeing friends. But I held her hand throughout. She starts her new course and for me things just went completely downhill. She made two new really close male friends. I got a bit jealous saw her behaviour as a red flag and left. We got back together a couple of times but every time I got annoyed by these guys. I am now looking back trying to work out if I have serious Jealousy Issues or if it was her who was the issue or both. It would be unfair not to mention my history. My two relationships prior to her weren't great. The first left me for her ex boyfriend (cheated for 2 months), the second gf had a male neighbour who she claimed to hate but always text a lot and she admitted she had drunkenly kissed him whilst we were together. So understandably I would approach relationships with caution. Double standards were the biggest problem. She would have a go at me about pictures of me and girls on facebook from 3 years ago, about my constant trips to the pub, about my ex who in the whole time we were together I sent one happy birthday message and she made it clear she didn't want me making female friends my age in the new town I was living in. She never visited me I always had to go to her. She claimed the course took up too much time and she didn't have the money even though I offered to pay for her to visit. The texts dried up towards the end even though she used to text 15 times a day or so. Here are a few things I am contemplating from my last relationship. Red flag or my insecurity? This girl had lots of male friends that pre dated our relationship. Most I met. I had no problem with any of them, not even a stomach twinge. She started her course then made two very close male friends. I felt she was filling an emotional void andreplacing the company I gave her. Which I feel is wrong. Here's a bit about them.... Friend A Had a girlfriend but they split a few weeks into the course. My ex spoke about him a lot. The day after she started her course she mentioned his name over 100 times in an hour and this is after I started counting. She invited him to her previous uni graduation ball after I ended with her (She had known him 4 weeks and he has nothing to do with that uni. That is where we met). About five months in she began going clubbing alone just her and him and staying at his house about once a month. Plus the odd cinema trip. He paid for all of it most of the time and occassionally brought her gifts including a pair of shoes and a weekend to London. At least three phone calls made me uncomfortable. One where she spoke of nothing but him for an hour, one where she got upset because she felt like he ignored her all night and one where she was accused of sleeping with Friend B and she was worried what Friend A may think of her. She has told me she finds him attractive, told me his mates called him big boy, said that people at uni thought he was her bf, mentioned his foot fetish he had about her regularly and that she detested his ex. I never met him. I was told that she was told on her course that you weren't allowed to involve your personal life with the course. She was training to be a teacher not MI5! Friend A is the one I could just about tolerate... Friend B After two weeks she was staying at his house most weekends. She said he was lonely and that his dad had died and he needed support. She told me that he developed a crush on her but said it was harmless. He claimed they slept together (she denied this and I do believe her!) and she stopped talking to him. Then when she found out he had a girlfriend she phoned me claiming all men are liars because he had said he faniced her and is now with someone new. Having written this I realise what a tool I have been for not walking away after two months :/ Her defense has always been: 1. If you trust me it shouldn't matter (She doesn't trust me and she says this is because I have had a lot more sexual partners than her before we were together so I need watching) 2. She doesn't have many friends and this was the year for her to make new ones. Her last uni experience wasn't very sociable. 3. She had never lied to me (This I agree with. She always told me when she stayed at someones house and what she was doing) 4. She lives in a village in the middle of nowhere with her mum. So she needed to stay at guys houses to go out. 5. That when I was 22 I was partying hard and having fun (I was single though!) 6. She didn't have time to arrange me meeting these guys. No one else brought there gf's/bf's along for nights out (that wopuld be wierd she'd say)and these are teacher training colleagues and it would be unprofessional to involve her partner in it. I met her the other day to give her things back. She claims I need counselling to deal with my jealousy and that I am taking past relationships out on her. 'Just because the last two left you for other men doesn't mean I will' is pretty much what I got. Someone help me make sense of all this. B Edited June 7, 2012 by bcm235
Kaye Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 ... you probably need to give some thought to ending this or becoming just friends. What she is doing seeems pretty manipulative to me.... and insensitive. It's obvious she likes these guys and is holding on to you in the meantime. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Best of luck .
Ruby65 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 The only guys I've dated who have accused me of having a "jealousy problem" were cheaters. They also denied cheating to the very end, even after they had been completely exposed and found out. I would assume that what she admits to having happened with these guys is just the tip of an iceberg.... and trust me, you don't want to see the rest of that iceberg. You're smart to move on. I wouldn't take her opinion that you have a problem with jealousy too seriously. I'd also recommend dating someone a bit older -- or at least more emotionally mature. She sounds like she still wants to be free to play the field and you need to be with someone who's on the same page in terms of what you want out of life. How are you doing in terms of handling the breakup? Have you been able to cut off contact with her?
Ruby65 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 (edited) .......... Edited June 21, 2012 by Ruby65 double post!
maya.arrow Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I've had three or four long term relationships in my life, and I have to agree, it is the ones who are the most jealous who turn out to be the cheaters. my most faithful boyfriends were never jealous. my theory is, if you are secure in yourself, you don't feel the need to lie and cover up your deceit. however, if you are insecure and often lie and cover things up to hide it, you often suspect other people of being the same. i've been on both sides of the coin. i've been a cheater, and i was cheated on. the bfs (two of them) who cheated on me were both horribly jealous and controlling. they hated me having male friends, and did their best to kill my social life outside of them, while feeling very free to have their own. in the end, they both cheated. as for me, when i cheated...i was the same. insecure and trying to find love and attention whereever i could get it. luckily, i grew up, and i know now that i never want to be that way again. my feelings say that this girl is who i used to be...and i think you are probably better off without her. jealousy can be healthy...in that you feel twinges of it that make you realise you don't take your partner for granted. but it should never be so hurtful that you can't trust your partner.
Author bcm235 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Thanks for the messages. Hi Ruby65. with regards to the break up I am finding it tough this week where as I have had weeks where I've barely thought about it/her. I think this may be to do with the fact that I have got a new job that I will be starting in August which will be closer to where she lives which means I may bump into her and this was always going to be the time we would move in together etc so I guess that's why i have gone backwards a bit. I have had no contact whatsoever. I considered blocking her on facebook. At the moment i have looked at her fb just once since we split and have been quite disciplined. It didn't appear that she was with either of these guys. I blocked her newsfeed but if I delete her I feel it will produce the type of drama that she craves and ignoring her will hurt her more.
g450 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I think this should probably have been posted in the LDR section. And honestly they should just post one big warning sign there: LDRs almost never work out. Nothing personal but I dont know why people even bother with LDRs. Then again I dont understand why chicks marry guys who are in prison. Go figure. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder IMHO.
Author bcm235 Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 I thought I would update where I am now 5 months on. I moved back home and got a really good new job. I started to forget my ex and months of counselling made me realise she was terrible for me. Then in mid September she started texting again. A LOT. I ignored her at first but then started to reply on the odd occassion. She asked to meet up a month ago and I did. We talked everything over and she pointed out her mistakes. Including how close she got to those two guys. She said Friend A was douche as he owed his ex thousands of pounds. I made it clear that I was not interested in getting back together but we had a good time that day. I agreed to go to the theartre with her and I said I would like to build a friendship but it would take me a while to trust her and we couldn't be in each others lives on a daily even a weekly basis. Well 10 days later her facebook status changes to 'In a Relationship' with Friend A. I AM DEVASTATED! I told her I could no longer go to the theartre with her and she called all upset and said she thought we were friends. I said I couldn't believe she got with friend A. She told me she wanted me but I made it clear the week before that I didn't want to be with her and that's why she is moving on. She said she doesn't want to be on her own. I asked if anything happened whilst we were together with friend A and she swore it didn't. She said that she always wanted me and chose me for my looks and personality which she still loves. I have a mutual friend who says they haven't been in contact since she left the teacher training course and that he professed his love to her on the night of her recent Graduation a few days after she met up with me. Tonight is the night we would have gone to the theartre :/ I know I don't want her back because she treated me so badly but I am more hurt than I was when writing this a few months ago! I could accept her getting a boyfriend but why him? I don't know what to think anymore or believe anymore. This is the third time I have been here. I guess I can take the positive that she asked me first a few weeks back, that she chased me at the start of our relationship whilst he chased her and that she took 5 and a half months to move on. I can't help think that they have been together a year because of how close they were when I was with her. She said I should see him as a new person not a reflection on me and the time we had together. Hating life right now.
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