Has Moving In Together Ruined Our Relationship?

[MissJewell]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and have been living together for about 4 months now. Before we got our own place, I was living with him and his parents for a while, as it was easier for me to get to work from there. I felt a bit cheeky, and a bit of a burden, like I was getting under his parents feet. So we decided it was best we got our own place. Of course, before we moved in together, even when I was living with his parents, he was very affectionate towards me. Always. We hated being apart from each other. But now over the last couple of weeks, the affection has seemed to dwindle. He works 2 jobs, and I completely understand that maybe he can be very tired at times. Now I am not a clingy person, however like any girl, I would like a hug, or a kiss or SOMETHING when he gets home. When he gets home, he just doesn't seem to pay much attention to me, he is too tired to talk. We just sit on the sofa watching the telly. I knew things would change to a certain degree, due to the fact us spending so much time together now. But lately it seems that he would rather do anything than spend any more time with me outside of our home. Financially, things were a little tough. And we haven't had a night out together since we moved here. I find myself asking him if he would like to do something (A meal, Cinema, Walk with the dog) But I get nothing. But if his mates call, he won't hesitate to go out with them, even if he turned me down just a few minutes before.

 

Am I wrong to be upset about this?

 

He used to text me/call me every day on both of his breaks at work. But now all I get is the occasional text asking "what's for tea"

 

He's never seemed this distant before. For the whole of our relationship we have been inseparable, He could never keep his hands off me, so I am finding this really hard to deal with. Should I be worried??

 

I'm trying not to worry, and i'm trying to understand how he might feel. I am also trying not to smother him, and give him some personal space, as that might be what he needs? But I am finding it so hard. I am not used to this. I just want to touch him, kiss him, without the fear of being too needy.

 

Some advice on my situation would be great, thanks...

[Philosoraptor]

Well this is the exact reason I support living together before marriage. You find out how strong that compatibility is before you go ahead and get married.

 

If you want me to be honest it doesn't seem that he is thrilled with the situation by any means. Jumping whenever he has the chance to get away from you is also a bit worrisome.

 

I'd sit down and talk to him in a gentle tone and try to figure out what has changed or seen that has caused the shift in his demeanor.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Whenever you have an external situation as apart of the relationship it becomes an influence on the dynamic of the relationship.

 

What I mean is living with his parents and him was one dynamic that greatly influenced how things worked and functioned in the relationship at the time. You probably wished you had more time together, how nice it would be to be able to relax, maybe even have loud wild sex, and be able to truly just enjoy each others company...oh how much of a better situation that would be.

 

However you removed that dynamic from the relationship by living together, now it's just the two of you. Now the focus is not on what could be but what is now and the reality is quite different because now you have to deal with the real person, you can't blame anyone else or let this fantasy in your head compel you, also this was the beginning of a relationship...IMO from having long-term relationships, I don't think you know much about a person the first year, you really start having the relationship after that and sometimes it takes a few years for the settled dynamic to kick in.

 

You have to realize that certain things in a relationship are going to typically change, the amount of contact, reassurance and affection in terms of little things...especially from the side of men may change. It's partly because they become more used to you and comfortable with you but also because they know and trust where you are in their lives and don't feel like exuding the same effort anymore...It's not new and fresh anymore for some men at this point.

 

The fact that he's working two jobs does influence the dynamic as well, especially IF you're not experiencing the same load...and offset of work schedules where one person works a lot and the other works little or much less will definitely cause a clash and friction of "you don't understand what it feels like". However this is something that needs to be communicated and worked though, you need to learn to put all the cards on the table at all times to stay on the same page of how your partner feels and what they are going through, and where there is a conflict or disconnect. Allowing these things to grow apart and situations to exacerbate over time only create a greater distance between you two emotionally and a greater lack of understanding which obviously is huge in a relationship...so that's something you should talk to him about,not argue about, talk about...these are the moments that determine whether you belong together or not, you're either get through them together or hit a wall and not...and honestly If you can't get through that it's not like it gets easier down the road when decisions and responsibilities even come greater.

 

Not to mention for men...it leads to cheating. They look outward to spice up their lives and reinvigorate their sexual appetite and desires, to break the stagnant predicable lifestyle they have at home...because they feel under appreciated and end up using that as an excuse to try something new, exciting, and dangerous. They've become bored with you...you're always at home, demanding and eager to spend time together even though you're always there and then you want to go out to spend together when in his eyes he's living with you and spending time with you everyday, what's the difference for him doing it at the park or the movies?...trust me, I know the mindset and faults of men and how it leads them down a bad road.

 

Men do a lot of self talk to themselves, then they eventually get that little guy on their shoulder that pumps them up to consume themselves in their own perspectives...that's why communication is so important, you need to find out how a many feels and thinks or you're just going to be blindsided and left unknowing....the most dangerous posture of a mine is when he is saying nothing.

 

I'm sure with all his time spent at work he appreciate his own personal space...all men do and men do not typically truly relax around women...they can't sit on the couch, lay some nasty watery farts, masturbate to some blonde with big plastic tits on HBO, then fall asleep with a slice of half eaten pizza in their hand. ok! maybe not the image you are looking for but joking aside (some of it is joking! )men don't fully unwind unless around other men or by themselves...why? because even though they are "relaxing" you still as a woman, and someone they are in a relationship with needs attention, affection and still requires effort...and men don't always want to put in any effort or thought process! half the time men can say or do the wrong things and then things went from relax time to arguing because you snuck in a few questions about something serious or asked some sensitive question you were emotionally vulnerable to out of nowhere and before you know it the brain is back on full rotary trying to do damage control....how fun and relaxing is that for men in relationships? Not always fun as when men are around women it requires effort, and after a long work day, week, stress you just want to shut it all off for a moment, and guy friends are never overly sensitive and change the dynamic of a situation...men get along typically very well with each other and keep it very light where as women always get deep and personal.

 

What I really disagree with though here in your post and find this extremely suspicious is how he treats you when he gets home...no kissing, hugs, or affection?

 

that's a red flag and something smell like ****...this is not good relationship etiquette nor is it acceptable at least in my book, that's a big problem and there's no explanation for it, that's one of those things that can't be good.

 

I understand you are not trying to come off clingy but damn girl (sorry was watching Maury the other day), don't you want a man who's into you more than that? that's not clingy, that's called being a girlfriend? at the least.

 

You're being much too passive in my book at this time, you've stepped back, taken it, let him control the relationship and the dynamic and tried to be a good little girlfriend by giving him his time and space...you do realize that this is a relationship right? mutual? goes both ways? you're gauranteed not get what you want doing what you're doing now, you're just making things work. Even men need kicks in the asses to remind themselves how they cannot treat you or get away with, it shows self respect and self worth, right now you're just acting like an option and convenience and demanding very little for yourself...so guess what? when you treat yourself a certain way, its kind of funny because that's what you often get!

 

So communication, communication, it's way past due to have a serious talk when he's got a day off, prepare it, give him a chance to unwind...preferably in a moment that's he's not very tense and stressed and tell him you really need to talk....get everything out on the table, or be a pussy and hold back and just be left feeling like you got nothing resolved. If he refuses and doesn't want to invest or put forth effort then you need to start thinking whether this is the guy you really want to be with, you definitely don't seem happy just resting on old memories and emotions like most women...but that's not going to save you, this relationship will just continue to fall apart until there's nothing left.

[FitChick]

Most men, when they just get home from work, want to be left alone to unwind a bit. Meet him at the door with a quick kiss and drink or newspaper but avoid talking to him. Tell him what time dinner will be ready and then disappear.

 

Read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Lots of helpful tips.

[darkmoon]

me-time!! - i am a woman had one SO who neva wanted a convo til midday, it was ok so i adapted, he loved me, we had fun - but for four hours til midday, i knew he was bad in the mornings, we'd even joke about it a bit but it was unwritten rule, no convo, nothing - but men and thier caves - ay!? - your SO is in his cave or in his male-friends' caves, be ok with his trait, men do not like being wrong i doubt he'll take orders to cuddle you, but doesn't mean he doesn't love you, no nagging btw

[wildgeese]

You're not wrong to be upset about this. In fact, I'd be furious and I'm not exactly a demanding partner. Your boyfriend is showing you that he's fine with placing you on the back-burner. Hanging out with friends, doing separate activities, needing "me" time...all of that is completely normal and completely expected. I'd go crazy without all of that. But to blow you off for other people and not really wanting to spend time with you? That's not good and that's not respectful.

 

He may be falling into a rut, he may be upset about something that has nothing to do with you, he may be tired, etc etc etc. All of those are difficult to deal with and he may not know how to. Coming home to a partner is supposed to be a relief, not a burden or a tense situation. It sounds like you're walking on eggshells around him. Talk it out. See if he just wants space when he gets home or if it's something more.