Lexa Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Whenever I am upset and trying to analyze someone's behavior I always obsessively google it, then try to follow the advice... or, obviously like anyone here, I write about it in a forum asking for advice... but I was thinking, is this really necessary? Could I be missing out on being authentic and letting relationship unfold "organically"? Surely not everyone does this or feels the need to do this; couldn't we get along just fine by trail and error?? I feel like maybe I'm missing out on just learning and living life by trying to over-simplify with "rules" and "shoulds"... anyone? Pros and cons? 2
ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 no cons. That's it basically. There are cases where the advice from a broad audience with different cultural background is beneficial. But not the typical single word analysis of a 5 minute time frame on a second date with some random woman asking whether or not you should have made a move or whether or not she is interested...
dasein Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Everyone talks to friends and family about their relationships. The difference here is that unlike friends, posters aren't as likely to blow sunshine up your tail and tell you what they think you want to hear. IMO, there's nothing necessarily inorganic about getting varying datapoints from one's own. 1
carhill Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Pro's: Being exposed to the vast world of different cultural and societal and personal perspectives offered Reading perspectives, as dasein put it, that don't blow sunshine up the wazoo Sharing bits of personal 'stuff' that perhaps one wouldn't wish loved ones, friends or potential relationship partners to know. A 'cleansing' of sorts. Cons: The diversity is limited to that subset of individuals who feel compelled to post on an internet relationship forum The lack of sunshine up the wazoo can occasionally, or often in some cases, take on an abusive and/or degrading tone, counteracting any potential effectiveness of dispassionate/disinterested opinion and perspective. Coming 'clean', in certain circumstances, might be better addressed by a professional counselor than a group of internet forum members. If you think a more 'organic' approach has merit or you've been missing out by analyzing things, give it a go and see how it works out. Good luck 1
Andy_K Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I feel like maybe I'm missing out on just learning and living life by trying to over-simplify with "rules" and "shoulds"... anyone? Pros and cons? You're looking at the wrong angle... you're not here to learn rules and get answers to every particular situation. You're here to learn how people think, and how to develop the skills to ultimately answer any questions you may come up with on your own. People who do this can grow and learn from others' experience and will find the differing views here a valuable resource. People who don't, stay here for years asking the same inane questions every few weeks.
Author Lexa Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 (edited) sorry I wrote that post when I had to go, I meant more along the lines of those websites and books that give dating advice more specifically. Example - what if there was a woman following "The Rules" and a guy following the "pick up artist" community, would they even make it to date 2? Could reading all this stuff make people miss out on just.. loving? but that makes sense Andy, you mean people who complain about the same situation, or look for a particular answer etc.? I can see how a forum is good for learning and growing if used in the right way. I know I've benefited from them. Edited June 7, 2012 by Lexa
threebyfate Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 You protect, he protects, how do you honestly connect and create an emotionally healthy relationship full of love, trust and respect? My husband and I were wide open and honest with each other. Our relationship skipped all the unnecessary steps fraught full of drama and headed straight for love. We're best friends and best lovers, parents of one hyperactive little boy, with another on his way. This is more than I could have ever hoped for so my vote's on organically unfolding relationships! 3
Andy_K Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Example - what if there was a woman following "The Rules" and a guy following the "pick up artist" community, would they even make it to date 2? Could reading all this stuff make people miss out on just.. loving? Same principle really... both PUA/'The Rules' are training wheels. Anyone blindly following either isn't going to get very far, but those who understand the thinking behind any of the advice will do better. The only real difference between the two, is that PUA material is almost always geared towards getting guys good enough with the general principles that they don't need to follow 'rules', and know what they should or shouldn't do. 'The Rules' on the other hand, fails to credit it's readership with enough intelligence for this, and simply instructs them to follow blindly till the ring is on their finger.
Almond_Joy Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Whenever I am upset and trying to analyze someone's behavior I always obsessively google it, then try to follow the advice... or, obviously like anyone here, I write about it in a forum asking for advice... but I was thinking, is this really necessary? Could I be missing out on being authentic and letting relationship unfold "organically"? Surely not everyone does this or feels the need to do this; couldn't we get along just fine by trail and error?? I feel like maybe I'm missing out on just learning and living life by trying to over-simplify with "rules" and "shoulds"... anyone? Pros and cons? I'm a big talker and observer....not much of a reactor...so I identify a lot with this. Recently, I have been getting the feeling that I'm missing out on the experience of being present by trying to talk things out and get other perspectives instead of acting based on how I feel in the moment. I think both approaches are important and healthy in moderation.
rubberduck Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I kind of get that... I know when I was in my previous relationship it failed because too many people got involved and it messed my head up. This time I haven't asked for advice in any way and we are now happily married and just trusting our instincts BUT... I do understand the need for help as I obviously went through it myself
utterer of lies Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Whenever I am upset and trying to analyze someone's behavior I always obsessively google it, then try to follow the advice... or, obviously like anyone here, I write about it in a forum asking for advice... but I was thinking, is this really necessary? Could I be missing out on being authentic and letting relationship unfold "organically"? Surely not everyone does this or feels the need to do this; couldn't we get along just fine by trail and error?? I feel like maybe I'm missing out on just learning and living life by trying to over-simplify with "rules" and "shoulds"... anyone? Pros and cons? The pro is that you will get the theoretically good solutions presented in an easily understandable form on a board like this. However, you will not miss out on learning from your mistakes because people still make the same mistakes. Looking at many threads here, the sequence is: Ask, get lots of answers, do whatever they would have done anyway (without the advice), repeat. People can't seem to change their behavior, even if they know intellectually there are better ways to handle (whatever their problem is). It's the best of both worlds.
Author Lexa Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 PUA material is almost always geared towards getting guys good enough with the general principles that they don't need to follow 'rules', and know what they should or shouldn't do. 'The Rules' on the other hand, fails to credit it's readership with enough intelligence for this, and simply instructs them to follow blindly till the ring is on their finger. interesting, that's true.. at first glance PUA seemed shallow but the more I researched it, it is supposed to be about improving character to go after whatever it is you want (which isn't necessarily just sleeping around). and yeah 'the rules' are made to be just that, rules. you could still sort of see them as manifestations of the extremes/stereotypes of the genders. thanks for the perspective
Author Lexa Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Ask, get lots of answers, do whatever they would have done anyway (without the advice), repeat. LOL, yea probably. I just read the answers and go "oh **** these people are probably right.." haha
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