ScreamingTrees Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Carhill and to others.....good points. Guy meets woman at a house party or BBQ night, talks with her , gets he digits and says, "I'll give you a call, and we can get together." Guy calls woman up, goes to voice mail, leaves message, she doesn't return his call. WEekend is approaching, gives her another call, does the same thing. Then, he stops calling. Thing is though, there's a lot of women out there, when they blow off a guy or don't return his calls after the man has met them at an event or gathering. I have a friend that stops after 2 attempts and moves on. THEN he bumps into a woman at another house party, and she goes, "Oh, hey, I meant to cal you back, but I had this ...thing <insert lame excuse here>. And he's like 'Oh okay...". And she suggests getting together again That's your friend's big mistake. Wouldn't it make the most sense to force her hand right then and there by saying "oh, it's no big deal, I don't care, I can tell that you're genuinely not interested, you don't have to make up excuses".. If she was trying to "gauge" your interest, she'll be forced to either be honest and direct with you about her interest or nothing will happen, to put it simply.. I like that, over playing the fool and calling once or twice more just to go through the same old stupid song and dance.. Nip it in the bud. Either she shows her hand, or she folds. No bluffing, no headaches.
zengirl Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Just to clarify...I don't lose necessarily interest just because they pursue me...I lose interest in them because I was never really interested in them to begin with, but rather interested in their interest in me.... So when I realize I don't want to date them long term, I end things, usually a month or two into dating...it just so happens that the women I date get invested very quickly...it's not like I'm stringing them along for 3 years and then GIGSing...isn't a month or so the normal time it takes to decide long term potential...? How does this make me a "user"...? I don't think it does. And, in fact, I think everyone does the same sort of thing to some degree --- I have never been "interested in interest" per se, but I've certainly realized a month in that the guy wasn't marriage/long-term material and that I didn't want to pursue it further. When you're dating, especially before you've discussed anything serious or been together awhile, I don't see anything wrong with that. However, if you have a pervasive pattern of dating people who are wrong for you because you're interested in interest, that's something to fix. For your sake and others'. Being pleasant, respectful, and fun doesn't necessarily translate into getting "approached" by women...and I almost never "pursue" right off the bat...I just build friendly rapport when I meet someone new...and I never really transition out of that into "pursue mode"... Good relationships generally come from both people pursuing and both people feeling pursued, IMO, though pursuit may look different through the lens of gender.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 That's your friend's big mistake. Wouldn't it make the most sense to force her hand right then and there by saying "oh, it's no big deal, I don't care, I can tell that you're genuinely not interested, you don't have to make up excuses".. If she was trying to "gauge" your interest, she'll be forced to either be honest and direct with you about her interest or nothing will happen, to put it simply.. I like that, over playing the fool and calling once or twice more just to go through the same old stupid song and dance.. Nip it in the bud. Either she shows her hand, or she folds. No bluffing, no headaches. Or he can tell HER to call HIM if she wants to get together the second time they meet. If she fails to respond to my first effort, then I put it on her to make 100% of the effort if she's interested.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 I don't think it does. And, in fact, I think everyone does the same sort of thing to some degree --- I have never been "interested in interest" per se, but I've certainly realized a month in that the guy wasn't marriage/long-term material and that I didn't want to pursue it further. When you're dating, especially before you've discussed anything serious or been together awhile, I don't see anything wrong with that. However, if you have a pervasive pattern of dating people who are wrong for you because you're interested in interest, that's something to fix. For your sake and others'. Well this pattern stems from me not pursuing what I want and instead accepting who wants me...which often aren't the same thing. They aren't wrong for me, per se...but not what I envision as "right" for me...which of course is always changing as I meet more people... Good relationships generally come from both people pursuing and both people feeling pursued, IMO, though pursuit may look different through the lens of gender. And here it may be valuable to define the term pursue, as people "pursue" in different ways, as you said. Some a not at all subtle about it, while others may take the friends first approach...
RedRobin Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Well this pattern stems from me not pursuing what I want and instead accepting who wants me...which often aren't the same thing. They aren't wrong for me, per se...but not what I envision as "right" for me...which of course is always changing as I meet more people... I think alot of us do this to some extent, so no worries. You mentioned in earlier posts that the women get invested sooner than you, which is understandable. They knew what they wanted and saw it in you. Now, if you could take a page out of their notebook and try the same (within limits) perhaps you'll converge a bit faster on someone who is really right for you. Just a thought. P.s. I don't like the stereotypes regarding who is the initiator and the idea that means anything regarding the balance of a relationship. I know I require a balanced man. One who isn't forever studying his belly button on the topic of 'leader' vs 'follower'... for sure. It really annoys me how polarized things have become. But I digress... If I've learned anything from my friends/families very long-lived relationships... each takes turns being the leader and follower according to their abilities and life challenges. To the extent that each of us can do that with grace and not abuse the priviledge... that is where alot of people stumble. Unfortunately.
Leopard Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Wow. It's so amazing that you can come out and say that you are insecure and have low self esteem. That says alot and good for you! At least you know what you need to work on. Well....now that I think about it, I have never chased a man. They have all chased me. And I guess to me it doesn't feel natural to chase a guy. ANd there is also that stereotype that the women chasers are the aggressive and desperate ones. Maybe the women chasers ARE aggressive and desperate? Maybe that's why it's better for men to chase? I don't know. I never gave it much thought, but I would feel weird and un-lady like if I had to chase after a man. If I like him, I will show that I like him. I think the point of the whole chasing game is that, men chase and women show interest back if they like him. If a woman chases a guy, he can just use her for sex. Maybe the whole mating game thing is why men chase girls. They choose which ones they want to "spread their seed" and a woman can either agree or not agree with him. But she doesn't have that instinct to spread anything, so she doesn't need to go around finding a man to do it with. Maybe that's why it's always been that the men are the chasers? I'm not complaining
snug.bunny Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Just to clarify...I don't lose necessarily interest just because they pursue me...I lose interest in them because I was never really interested in them to begin with, but rather interested in their interest in me.... So when I realize I don't want to date them long term, I end things, usually a month or two into dating...it just so happens that the women I date get invested very quickly...it's not like I'm stringing them along for 3 years and then GIGSing...isn't a month or so the normal time it takes to decide long term potential...? How does this make me a "user"...? Long term potential aside, most people typically know after a few interactions whether or not they have basic interest in someone (IE: finding someone attractive, having an attraction towards that person, etc.). You state that right out of the gate, you're not interested. So, the 'constant' from "Day 1 to Day 30", is no interest on your part. The 'constant', that fuels you, is their interest and pursuit of you. User may have been a strong word, and, people define it/view it differently. Being pleasant, respectful, and fun doesn't necessarily translate into getting "approached" by women...and I almost never "pursue" right off the bat...I just build friendly rapport when I meet someone new...and I never really transition out of that into "pursue mode"... But you evidently ARE getting approached by women, they're just not the women you want/like. Lot's of people run into this scenario. But, you can minimize it by choosing not to date woman you have no interest in. If/when you find yourself in a situation where the woman pursues you, but you're not all that interested, don't date her. Or, go out 1-2 dates and then call it a day. Problem solved. So, getting back to the topic at hand, you can either direct more of your energy on pursuing women YOU are interested in, or live status quo.
joystickd Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Sure. That's why they're married/engaged. There are single ones out there you just have to look outside of the usual places you are used to.
joystickd Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Well at some point man or women we have to be the chaser or the chased. There has to be a balance of doing both it can't be one or the other. Funny thing is I had no success pursuing and once I stopped and let them pursue me then I had some success and that gave me confidence and changed how I chase now. Its funny the women on here that talk about hating gender roles but hate to be the aggressor in dating. Its either all or nothing no picking and choosing lol
Thieves Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I have no respect for passive men,in a relationship and the begining stages i believe its the mans job to lead and be the agressor hunter gatherer etc Where are Men's balls these days? If i have a son im gonna make sure i raide him to be a strong Man who takes care of his women not some spineless wimp who is afraid to take over the world Sorry if im being harsh but masculinity is an extremely desirable trait and why women are attrcted to you men you are different then us more bold more brave stronger better at doing things and we love you for it If i want to date a weak minded passive insecure person ill date other women Wow. Way to have respect for your own gender. The last sentence was insulting and, honestly, completely unnecessary to get your point across. Both masculinity and femininity have their positives and negatives, and to think otherwise is to be obviously biased. I'd also agree with the other poster who said that this topic doesn't have as much to do with masculinity as with one having confidence and knowing what to do to put yourself out there, and what works for you so as to get a better response in the dating game. Any person of either gender can achieve those things. And with that, I think the title of this thread is a little off-putting. However... I think that's another topic by itself. The main point that comes from my experience is that sometimes you can be your own worst critic. I don't see men who don't put themself out there 24/7 with the most aggression possible as weak, or acting like "women". And you know what? I admire them for it. Every man has a different style of pursuing a woman, and sometimes not every method works for everyone. And while it seems contradicting to suggest that a more timid man can still put himself out there and get women interested in him, it's entirely possible, as I've seen it happen -- with myself and other women.
SJC2008 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I have no respect for passive men,in a relationship and the begining stages i believe its the mans job to lead and be the agressor hunter gatherer etc Where are Men's balls these days? If i have a son im gonna make sure i raide him to be a strong Man who takes care of his women not some spineless wimp who is afraid to take over the world Sorry if im being harsh but masculinity is an extremely desirable trait and why women are attrcted to you men you are different then us more bold more brave stronger better at doing things and we love you for it If i want to date a weak minded passive insecure person ill date other women Where are they? Right here, I asked a customer out the other day. Matter of fact I metioned this in an earlier response in this thread.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 THIS is why I don't approach guys or initiate dating anymore. Most of my exes have been exactly like this.... not interested in me, just interested in interest. I gotta tell you, it's pretty awful to be on the other end of this. You might want to start taking a good, long look at your attraction in situations where the girl starts pursuing you. Even a month or two is too long to keep this scenario going. You should know inside a date or two if you like them, or you like their interest. Yeah, this is why I don't do it either. I rarely had a guy in the past NOT go along with it - and they only ended up hurting me later. Even with my ex, I asked him for his FB info first, technically moving things in that direction. He did later say that it was irrelevant as he would have asked for my number anyway.
irc333 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Or he can tell HER to call HIM if she wants to get together the second time they meet. If she fails to respond to my first effort, then I put it on her to make 100% of the effort if she's interested. That's another option, but the point here is, men risk being labelled as some creepy guy who "can't take a hint", and they only keep it to , say, 2 phone calls, and stop calling. All of a sudden the woman is irritated he's backed off. THEN she comes back, trying to hook him into pursuing her once more once she bumps into him again at a gathering. It's almost kind of giving him permission to chase her. There's a fine line between persistent and the "guy who can't take the hint that she's not interested." That being said, women have made it hard for men to approach and pursue.
ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 wouldn't it be really wierd for a guy to ask a woman he just met extremely personal information? So I usually just do small talk and light personal information. I always thought asking more heavy personal stuff would be something you do on later dates. I will admit I find it extremely difficult to be able to connect to and relate to women. Of course you shouldn't sit there like 5 minutes and ask her about her prefered sexual practices...But you need to go with the flow and if you feel (connect!) that it's the right time you can start to get into more details. Btw, if she is interested in you she might as well start asking those question and you should have good answers lol... Sex is a big deal I don't want to have sex with just any woman and ideally I would want to wait till marriage. Plus I really don't feel comfortable being sexual with anyone even though I have an extremely high libido just simple things like grabbing a girl's butt makes me feel like a terrible person afterwards. You probably realize that not just any woman wants to have sex with you?? Waiting for the girl of your dreams to tell her (or show her) that you never had sex before is a really bad idea. Chance of finding this "perfect match" -> small, chance of finding her and she also considers you perfect match/likes you -> even smaller, chance of the above PLUS her understanding that you cannot satisfy her physically and she needs to teach you -> infinitesimal small. What should I do to appear more interested? Talk about sex? Change your mindset, go out there, meet women, date women (use online dating), don't look for a perfect match, don't be desperate, consider breaking a contact if YOU didnt like the date, get experience, make moves. And yeah, hopefully talk about sex soon.
somedude81 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 If I was passive, I would get absolutely nowhere with women at all. Women are simply not going to come on to me.
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