jondoe2227 Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Been a while since I have been on the forum, just good at bottling up personal problems I guess, but have recently come to near breaking point with a really bad time at work that I shelter from the family. With no-one to confide in, just wanted to get off my chest. In a nutshell, married for 12yrs, 2 kids, 9 & 6, I have a very well paid job and lead a generally happy family life. I love my wife as much as the day I married her and my feelings have never changed - she is my one and true love in every respect. The problem is that she no longer feels the same about me, and it is killing me. Know that romance and love can go off the boil and stale over time, and it is difficult enough balancing quality time in the absence of babysitters and parents to help in this respect. To put into context, just over 3 yrs ago, I was really busy with work as a professional, got my work/life balance wrong, and took my eye off the ball. My wife suffered depression, went on medication and ended up having a fling with a guy she met online, leading to a physical encounter. I found out, and despite my initial feelings, because I love her so much and for the sake of the kids, forgave her. I would be lying if I said that I had not carried this as baggage every day since. I am positive that there has been no similar encounters, but just before Xmas, came across some saucy emails with some guy following on Twitter. I am guessing that in one way or another, similar online interactions have been ongoing (but not too far), but I honestly don't know anymore. She did not seem to think that there was any harm in it, but it hurts me and undermined my self esteem and confidence, already at rock-bottom. i just don't know where I stand, but I still have in my head from XMas when talked about the above she 'does not feel the way she did about me anymore' and that I am 'her best friend'. I can't change her feelings about me, but naturally am gutted that she feels this way. Whilst things are quiet in the bedroom department compared to when we first met, whenever we are imtimate, I struggle to block out the past and psychologically/physically affects me. Combined with a stressful job and victimising bosses, has destroyed my self-esteem. In turn, I am sure that this affects her satisfaction too to the extent she does not bother anymore. Don't know what to expect from this post - I feel like I am carrying so much baggage, so forgive my ramblings. Feel uncertain about the future and cant get the headspace to think things through .
Bigdreamer Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Hi Jon I'm new to this forum and read your post first. Just wanted to say good luck but also do you tell your wife she is the love of your life. Maybe she thinks it's you that doesn't care anymore if you work a lot and don't open up to her about even work stress. If she is still married and living with you then you have the chance to turn this around. All marriages go through problem it's how you deal with them that counts. Tell her you love her and maybe be the instigator of more intimacy, get a babysitter from somewhere and take her out, but keep it up, us women crave attention.
TigerCub Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Hi Jon, Sorry you're going through something so difficult. You mentioned your wife suffered from depression and was on medication - did she see a therapist as well, or was she just popping pills? Maybe she needs to get to the root cause of her depression. Don't blame yourself too much - you were trying to establish your career so that you can provide for your family. Maybe you should have had better work/life balance, but that doesn't excuse her choices. Your wife's actions regarding flirt texting with yet another man really concern me - you were kind enough to forgive her infidelities of the past (something that most people don't do) and she's still doing it. If she doesn't feel the same about you as she did before, why is she still with you? I think you need to ask her that. There's a difference between trying to support and understand the one you love AND being a doormat. Don't let her walk all over you. I understand that you love her, but its unfair of her to hurt you, betray you, and just still be with you because you're a provider to her. She's continuing her disrespect of you - she's not loving you like you deserve to be loved. You really need to talk to her and ask her to make a choice: a. get therapy, work on the M, stop any kind of flirting/ texting other people, or. b. leave Also, you mentioned your career - what does she do for a living? Your post made me really sad. I'm sorry you're in so much pain and confusion.
Leigh 87 Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I think speak for most women here: one of the top things in life I want, besides good health, all my limbs, and enoughy money to survive- ............................. One of the TOP things in life I want, is: a loving partner, who is as crazy about me, as you are about your wife. Your wife has a man who is crazy about her. That is what most women want! She is throwing it away and taking it for granted. It is not a good fit! I would be thrilled if my partner was that in love with me. I would never take them for granted. I would tell them how much I appreciated having them most days. I don't know. The way I see it, I think it is really nice for two people to be in love, happy, and TELL each other how greatful they are to be together. either with actions or words. Your thrilled to have her; she is not showing signs that she is utterly amazed, over joyed, and completely happy, with the guy she chose. If she is, she needs help to address her selfish ways. Sure, things could get stale after years together.. but if the person is worth it, you should get outside help. Do whatever it takes to make it work.
Author jondoe2227 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Thanks guys - apols it has been a while to respond. Yes - Always tell her that I love her, because I do and it is genuine - she is the best. Tigercub - yes, it was a pill popping and no therapist involved - alarming that most of her friends at the time also on the pills. As for being a provider, I can still be that without being here, but being without her or the kids would kill me. I just need her to make a choice and be happy, and if that is free-will online flirting, footloose and fancy-free to find true love again, so be it . I would rather she chose me. She does not work anymore, but would like to again I think - I am sole provider, but am fine with that as long as the kids are OK, and she has done a great job in looking after and developing them educationally. Thing is for me, life online and real life is different - can see the escapism angle, but the reality is never as good as the fantasy and people are hurt in the process. I am happy and in love with her and what I have got, just hope she feels the same. The grass is not always greener, just painted green!
DEABQ Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Jon, I was in the exact same position years ago. I agree with other posts that your wife is extremely lucky to have a man that loves her. I was desperately in love with my wife who flirted (only in fun, she said) and ended up having a full fledged affair. I hung on trying to fix things. I was willing to do anything to fix the marriage . . . . except one thing . . . throw the b!?&h out. She left me for the other man, who promptly dumped her after she was fully available for him. She came back and begged me to take her back. Unfortunately I had reached the point of no return in my head. I gave her unlimited chances to stop being a flirty single girl and respect our marriage. She took all of them for granted because I kept telling her how much I loved her and wanted to fix things. I was done. I flatly rejected he attemps to reconcile. The previous two years were a big joke to her. She stopped laughing when she saw I would not be walked on any longer. I firmly believe that had I demonstrated that her flirtatious behavior with other men was not acceptable and would not be tolerated, we could still be together. Get tough. Show her you are willing to end things if she does not want to be a wife. When she sees you are serious, and not a pushover, she may very well change her attitude. I wish you the very best, it sounds to me like you deserve it.
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