tallydoo Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 So, I'm in my third week of NC with my ex-boyfriend of a year; he dumped me in March for vague and inexplicable reasons but asked to still be friends, so we gave it a shot. I still wanted to reconcile, but he started dating another girl 3 weeks after we broke up, so I tried to remove myself graciously from his life to heal. However, he kept pushing friendship and emotional intimacy on me, and I couldn't handle it. Plus, he's become a lot more arrogant dating this new girl (he's not a jerk or a bad guy or anything, for him arrogance is a huge sign of inner turmoil), to the point where I was angry after every conversation I had with him, and there's just no good coming out of a friendship with him right now. So I sent him a text explaining that I'd been trying to make the friendship work but I really just wanted space, and he's been respecting that ever since. I'm perfectly content maintaining NC as long as he's still dating this other girl, and longer if necessary--I'm enjoying working on myself and taking full advantage of the freedom of single life, and I've come to terms with the fact that if she's what he wants, he wasn't right for me since we're so different. But if the time ever comes that they break up and his ego's deflated a little bit, what's the best way to open that door again? Is it my job, since I shut it completely, or is it his, since he knows where to find me if he wants me back in his life? I would really like a second chance with him, since we worked really well and he seemed to fit most of the signs of just being confused--we just graduated from college and he had no idea what he was going to do, he was pushed really hard right before we broke up to propose to me and neither of us were ready for that, his twin just got married and is moving away and he feels like he should be at the same point in his life, etc., etc. Plus, I'm sure our relationship would be so much better the second time around--we had to have a huge emotional wall up for almost the entire year because I was considering converting to his religion, and both of us wanted to make sure I was doing it because I wanted to and not for him. So how do I handle this? Should I even break NC? Sorry for all the questions/long post, I've just never been in a situation where I wanted my ex back.
greenz Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Do not break NC. He left you for another girl. He felt too much pressure in the relationship and bailed. As you said, he is confused so any contact now will give him the assumption that he can go on and keep doing what he is doing without any consequences. Until he gets all of his confusion out on his own, he will never be someone you will be able to depend on. If you just keep hanging around, he will feel like you will always take him back no matter what. You need to stand up for yourself and keep your eyes open because someone much better might come along. If this guy comes back, he has to be apologetic and he has to own up to his mistakes rather than blaming the world. He has to show signs of realizing that he made mistakes and hurt you, that he has changed and that he really wants to make it work with you. I'm a guy and I'm talking from personal experience. And you have to spell it out for him what you expect out of the relationship if he comes back. Right now he's just being a typical commitment phobe and he's not going to change until he learns some lessons, which will take some time or may never happen. So don't bet on him unless he's broken up with this girl and a lot of time passes while he is single. Only then will he be able to think things through properly and consider changing.
EgoJoe Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Gather your self-respect and wash your hands of this boy. He is a boy; not a Man.
Author tallydoo Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Call me crazy, but I don't really blame him for breaking up with me for commitment issues/GIGS/whatever. He needs to do what he needs to do to grow up and explore and be happy, and I'd rather he find happiness somewhere than be unhappy with me. I'm just worried that, if he ever wants to come back and try again, he'll be afraid to because I've shut that door.
JasonRules Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 but he started dating another girl 3 weeks after we broke up Correction, as a man I will tell you this. He didn't meet a girl 3 weeks after you broke up. He met her weeks or months before you broke up. He only decided to come out with this 3 weeks later so as to not appear to be an a-hole. He's contacting you asking you to be "friends" to relieve his own guilt. My suggestion? Cut contact entirely, give yourself some time to heal, and find someone else when you're ready. You will smile again...I promise
greenz Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 He needs to do what he needs to do to grow up and explore and be happy, and I'd rather he find happiness somewhere than be unhappy with me. I'm just worried that, if he ever wants to come back and try again, he'll be afraid to because I've shut that door. Absolutely, he will never be happy with you as long as he has other issues that he needs to figure out. And you haven't shut that door. You're on here talking about it. Why are you worried about him? Aren't your feelings hurt? Trust me, right now he is quite happy doing what he is doing while you are unsure of what to do. He will continue being happy doing his thing and maybe jumping from girl to girl until he runs out of girls or one of them breaks up with him. That's when he'll start thinking things over seriously. And maybe that's when he'll come back. But that might be after his second divorce and you might be 20 years older. At that point, you might not even want him. Here's what you should do. Take some time for yourself. Have fun. Talk and hang out with family and friends. Be yourself again. Trust me, he will come back if he wants to and when he does you will be much stronger to deal with him and see through his BS. If he is truly remorseful, you can take him back and it will probably be much better. But if you continue to take care of yourself and heal and get stronger, someone better will come along. Then you can contact him and tell him, "I gave you time, but I've met someone and that window has closed." You'll find that by then you will not care about him.
greenz Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 And if he's afraid to come back then you don't want that anyway. Do you really want to be with a guy that's afraid? He has to man up and you need to value yourself more. You can't be his mommy cause that will never work.
Author tallydoo Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Update: Sorry that it's been a while! I went ahead and shot him a good luck text for his first day at his new job, just because I knew we were going to run into each other again and I wanted it to be less awkward; I got a simple "Thanks!" back not five minutes later, and that was it. But then started subtle facebook communication from him (a few likes here, a few comments there), and now some more direct texting. So the door has been successfully opened, and I'm trying really hard to walk the line between being friendly and being friends. I'm still always the one that ends the conversation, whether it's through text or in person, and I always wait for him to approach me if we're together in person. He still seems to be a little afraid of crossing too many boundaries that I put up, so that's good that he still respects me enough for that. And us talking again made the various parties we were at much less awkward for everyone around us. He's also not with the new girl anymore; he took her out for a while, but I guess it fizzled out. So we shall see what happens. I'm not really sure anymore what I want to come out of this, and I think that's a perfect place for me to be--no hopes, no expectations, just kind of rolling with it.
EmergenC Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Update: Sorry that it's been a while! I went ahead and shot him a good luck text for his first day at his new job, just because I knew we were going to run into each other again and I wanted it to be less awkward; I got a simple "Thanks!" back not five minutes later, and that was it. But then started subtle facebook communication from him (a few likes here, a few comments there), and now some more direct texting. So the door has been successfully opened, and I'm trying really hard to walk the line between being friendly and being friends. I'm still always the one that ends the conversation, whether it's through text or in person, and I always wait for him to approach me if we're together in person. He still seems to be a little afraid of crossing too many boundaries that I put up, so that's good that he still respects me enough for that. And us talking again made the various parties we were at much less awkward for everyone around us. He's also not with the new girl anymore; he took her out for a while, but I guess it fizzled out. So we shall see what happens. I'm not really sure anymore what I want to come out of this, and I think that's a perfect place for me to be--no hopes, no expectations, just kind of rolling with it. It's fizzled out with the other girl, yet he's not back banging your door down ? Trust me on this, you need to drop contact with him before you end up massaging his ego into another relationship. You need to protect yourself, put yourself first. Gain some respect back from him.
Author tallydoo Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 It's fizzled out with the other girl, yet he's not back banging your door down ? Trust me on this, you need to drop contact with him before you end up massaging his ego into another relationship. You need to protect yourself, put yourself first. Gain some respect back from him. Thanks He's definitely working for each bit of contact he gets from me (and it is very little, and only if it directly pertains to me or actually requires an answer)--I just opened the channels. He's been doing almost everything else. He's just a highly respectful guy, so he won't bang my door down unless he knows that I won't hate him for it or be hurt in any way by it. But he is definitely making a concerted effort to be a part of my life again--pushing the envelope a little more each day. The whole point of switching from NC to LC was because fate had a fun way of forcing us to interact really closely (a 17-hour car ride, sitting next to each other at a rehearsal dinner, etc.) and the awkwardness for everyone else just wasn't worth it. So I guess I'm going LC instead of NC, and I'm still enjoying being single for the time being. Like I said, I don't really know what I want out of this, so I'm just kind of going with it. I know I absolutely miss him as opposed to our relationship (it obviously wasn't working), but he's going to have to make a good case if he wants to get all the way back into my good graces.
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