joystickd Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Relationship is two people usually blame is spread to both. She is insecure and only has to offer looks so she accepted bad behavior from this guy. Guy if was really mature did see this as going anywhere should be man enough to end it, but he chooses to probably bang someone else. There is no one sole person to blame here. They both contributed to this situation.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 There isn't one thing in this thread that indicates she only is or has her looks to offer. She came into this board having certain concerns and questions about her partner's behavior toward her looks and other women's looks. This however doesn't say anything about other aspects of who she is. Not knowing every other facet of her life and targeting her for posting about a specific issue she has with her boyfriend and telling her how shallow she is in the same sentence her boyfriend is being defended for ogling other women is not only crass, but simply wrong. I have never seen other posters attacked for coming for advice on one particular portion of their relationship and told how "shallow" and how they got nothing else to offer just because they only discussed one part of their relationship. 2
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Which backs up my point about her pre-occupation. Her insecurity backs up that she has an insecurity. Quite unsure how her insecurity backs up she's blame-shifting, used her looks to control guys, doesn't know that there's more to relationships than looks, and didn't develop other characteristics to attract relationship Her insecurity backing up your point seems more of you using it to support your assumptions no different for me than a person thinking since a guy stated he's a virgin it backs up their point that he's a creepy pathetic unattractive. It means a preoccupation with her looks and youth, that's all she mentioned about what she was doing to keep him attracted. It means that she's concerned about her looks and age it doesn't necessarily mean that working out, dressing nicely, and wearing makeup means she dresses and acts 10-20 years younger than her age. Again, what exactly are you saying here? What does this have to do with the OP: It has to do with your assumptions and responses to the OP. What's your agenda in this thread? To answer the OP's thread and comment on other user's post. That post was in response to Woggle who stated in regards to youth judging gals are just as bad and my experiences have been that gals aren't. I've already pointed out the hypocrisy, she's blaming him for his superficial nature of being attracted to younger, hotter women while she's pre-occupied with her appearance and attention from men. That supposed hypocrisy relies on the assumption she's blaming him for being attracted to younger hotter gals or considers it a superficial nature when no posts of hers state, suggest, or imply such.
NXS Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I did so twice and it seems you're rather focused on placing blame particularly on her: #1 No response from you. #2 What does that quote have to do with the issue of her bf in the OP? ....nothing! So why include it? Why make a generalisation about men? Are we meant to draw a conclusion from this and what is that conclusion?
joystickd Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 The OP stated that she did what she could to look good for him so one could imply that all she seemed to offer. I don't get why she got bent out of shape about the looking good for her age comment. I myself if she came off that insecure she would have just got the pump and dump.
zengirl Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 There isn't one thing in this thread that indicates she only is or has her looks to offer. She came into this board having certain concerns and questions about her partner's behavior toward her looks and other women's looks. This however doesn't say anything about other aspects of who she is. Not knowing every other facet of her life and targeting her for posting about a specific issue she has with her boyfriend and telling her how shallow she is in the same sentence her boyfriend is being defended for ogling other women is not only crass, but simply wrong. I have never seen other posters attacked for coming for advice on one particular portion of their relationship and told how "shallow" and how they got nothing else to offer just because they only discussed one part of their relationship. I don't see anyone 'defending' her boyfriend, as in saying it sounds like he's fine for ogling others and that's fine R material. Not even some of the more extreme posters are saying that. . . As to the point, I underlined what I found the problem: She DOESN'T say anything about any other aspect of the relationship or what she wants from or brings to a relationship, but rather focuses on the fact that she's aging and she selected a man who looks at PYT. She focuses on how she still 'fits' that -- she doesn't look her age, she wears cute outfits for him, etc. This, to me, suggests that she's had the wrong priorities in both selecting a partner, dating in general, and valuing traits in herself, and that's led to a partner who values similar things to what she values in herself: Appearances. NOT mentioning other aspects of the R is telling in its own way in terms of the mindset presented. Her post presents her in a shallow light, and many posters have pointed out why -- plenty of them without defending her BF. I think xxoo said it best way upthread: You didn't know any better? Lots of women (most?) settle into a LTR somewhere in their 20s. You may have been an immature 20 something, and are now an immature 30 something. The great thing about being in my 30s was letting go of the need to be the hottest woman in the room. A woman who reaches 35 while still competing in the looks department is setting herself up for a lot of unhappiness. Why do you put up with this guy? Show him you are the bomb, and he'd better get with the program and realize it, or you're gone. Be worth more than a PYT, and look for a guy who values you--not the next PYT. The OP still mentions and tracks that she gets less attention than she used to, obviously values her looks, etc, etc. I don't see where you get that there's 'no evidence' that she's approached the R from a shallow perspective. However, that doesn't mean she lacks anything else to offer, just shows a lack of good priorities.
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 What does that quote have to do with the issue of her bf in the OP? ....nothing! So why include it? Why make a generalisation about men? Are we meant to draw a conclusion from this and what is that conclusion? It does have something to do with her issue of her bf in the OP for me as she feels he is one of those guys on the hunt for something better. Likely she included it because she's insecure about her looks, her bf notices younger gals, her bf communicates with another gal, and she feels he is bored with her. She made a generalization about guys probably because she feels all guys aren't satisfied by what they have and that she'll never be attractive enough for a guy especially as she's aging. The conclusion I drew was that she's insecure and making a generalization about guys based on that. 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I don't see anyone 'defending' her boyfriend, as in saying it sounds like he's fine for ogling others and that's fine R material. Not even some of the more extreme posters are saying that. . *Scratches Head*. I do. Zengirl As to the point, I underlined what I found the problem: She DOESN'T say anything about any other aspect of the relationship or what she wants from or brings to a relationship, but rather focuses on the fact that she's aging and she selected a man who looks at PYT. She focuses on how she still 'fits' that -- she doesn't look her age, she wears cute outfits for him, etc. This, to me, suggests that she's had the wrong priorities in both selecting a partner, dating in general, and valuing traits in herself, and that's led to a partner who values similar things to what she values in herself: Appearances. And I get that Zengirl. And I'm not saying that advising the OP to highlight different things about herself then just looks isn't good advice. It is, I do think the OP needs a little help. But I don't think wearing cute outfits for him and looking good is indicative that this is "all" she cares about. And I think it's unfair to automatically write her off as "shallow" becaues this was the focus of her thread. People are so much more multi-demensional then what we think we see here only. So I don't get the comments talking about everything she didn't talk about as proof to her "shallowness" just because this thread and this topic focused around looks. NOT mentioning other aspects of the R is telling in its own way in terms of the mindset presented. Her post presents her in a shallow light, and many posters have pointed out why -- plenty of them without defending her BF. I think xxoo said it best way upthread: And this is where we disagree. I simply don't see how she is being "shallow" because she is concerned with the role looks are playing in the relationship. Her not mentioning other aspects of the relationship can't be "telling" because then we are judging people for things they didn't even say. The OP still mentions and tracks that she gets less attention than she used to, obviously values her looks, etc, etc. I don't see where you get that there's 'no evidence' that she's approached the R from a shallow perspective. However, that doesn't mean she lacks anything else to offer, just shows a lack of good priorities. And I don't see how you have so easily catagorized and summed up the OP as simply being shallow. I actually think this is a misconception that anytime looks are focused on, that it has to be equated to being "shallow". Well, looks are part of the equation in relatoinships and attraction. Whether it's our looks or our partners or how the looks of others play their part. It's vastly complicated and deeper then I think we are willing to admit. 1
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 *Scratches Head*. I do. As did I with Shaun-Dro who posted you don't dump any guy for checking out/oggling it's in a man's nature and Sid6.7 who seemed to imply OP's responsible for his behavior as in if he wouldn't be looking if she was getting things done.
NYC-BigKat Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I was in my 20s then and didn't know any better so forget that stuff. My boyfriend is over 30 so he should be ready to at least think about the settling thing. I hate to have to fight with younger women. I get alot of attention but so do many of them. I dont get the same amount of attention I used to get after hitting 30. I dont know why. Its not like guys could really tell I was 30 right? Anyway I'm gonna have a talk with him if he repeats this thing because its so darn annoying and I'm tired of feeling like I gotta keep up. Huh? I dont get why you'r doing this for really I dont. You'r 35 from seeing your other threads & you'r a nurse with a great body. Lots of men want a nice sexy nurse to settle down with. Why dont u stop dating guys so bad for u & give a nice man a chance please & u wont have these problems.
xxoo Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 How come that line only works when used to defend your partner ogling other people? If looks aren't the most important thing, and you are in a loving relationship with someone, then it seems pretty silly to spend time looking at other people. Sure, I can understand sometimes noticing other people. But how much "looking" is going on and how much "lusting" is in that look? I wasn't defending ogling others. My position is that the op's bf is disrespectful and immature, and at age 35 she should have higher standards for love and respect. With age and maturity should come more flexible standards for the superficial (looks, money), and firmer standards for the essential (love, respect, connection). OP, how do you choose the men you date? Is it based on the superficial (hotness, money), or deeper connection? 1
xxoo Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Different views as you don't see a reason while I see many reasons many reasons gals over 30 would be best suited to have lower expectations for love and gals of any age would be suited to have lower expectations for respect. It's not a matter of should expect more to me rather the OP can expect more however whether she can get more is a toss up to me. Whether an individual can expect more in the area of love and respect has nothing to do with their age and everything to do with what they are willing to accept. None of us are guaranteed that we'll meet someone wonderful, who loves and respects us. But we certainly won't ever achieve that kind of relationship if we choose to date people who don't love and respect us. True at 18 or 88.
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Whether an individual can expect more in the area of love and respect has nothing to do with their age and everything to do with what they are willing to accept. None of us are guaranteed that we'll meet someone wonderful, who loves and respects us. But we certainly won't ever achieve that kind of relationship if we choose to date people who don't love and respect us. True at 18 or 88. Different views as I think age is a factor in what people can expect in love and respect. Quite unsure how lower expectations equates or relates to no expectations as there's quite a difference for me in a person having lower expectations in love/respect and a person dating those that don't love/respect them.
RedRobin Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 actually projecting blame is a stereotypical female trait. women think it's the job of men to entertain them, and if they don't feel good about themselves it's their man's (or lack of man's) fault. nice straw man, though. Whatever. Some men have a million reasons to justify their crappy behavior... including hiding behind their so-called manhood. When in fact, real men would never behave that way. Nor do they need to. They are secure in their manhood and aren't terribly frightened that they are going to grow breasts or a vagina if they treat their partner with love and respect. go figure.
RedRobin Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 As did I with Shaun-Dro who posted you don't dump any guy for checking out/oggling it's in a man's nature and Sid6.7 who seemed to imply OP's responsible for his behavior as in if he wouldn't be looking if she was getting things done. exactly. As if this is the kind of behavior women need to get used to and put up with in order to have a 'relationship' :sick:
xxoo Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Different views as I think age is a factor in what people can expect in love and respect. Can you explain more about what you mean by this? 1
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 exactly. As if this is the kind of behavior women need to get used to and put up with in order to have a 'relationship' :sick: Seems for me in my country, America, gals need to accept such behavior in order to have a relationship. I disagreed with the implied notion she's responsible for his or that the OP was advised to dump him solely because of his oggling rather than in addition to having her feel badly.
RedRobin Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Seems for me in my country, America, gals need to accept such behavior in order to have a relationship. I disagreed with the implied notion she's responsible for his or that the OP was advised to dump him solely because of his oggling rather than in addition to having her feel badly. I think I understand what you were getting at... and yes, there is alot of pressure on women to tolerate that. I personally believe it has nothing to do with being a man's 'nature'. I've never been with a man who abused my time with him by oggling other women. If he did, I'd simply excuse myself and find something else to do without him. That way, he is free to oggle all he wants on his own time... and he can text all day with a bazillion other women too. Everyone needs a hobby. I just don't have to participate. I expect that if more women dumped men for being disrespectful, I believe that behavior would change soon enough. 3
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Can you explain more about what you mean by this? I mean how youth and aging is viewed depending on gender and orientation affects expectations of love.
ThaWholigan Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I mean how youth and aging is viewed depending on gender and orientation affects expectations of love. Not everybody is that bleak . For someone so young, you have quite a cynical outlook lol. No doubt due to experiences.... Not every man places so much value on the youth of a woman, it's not a universal fact by any means. Any man who uses such as an excuse is lying. 2
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I expect that if more women dumped men for being disrespectful, I believe that behavior would change soon enough. I highly doubt that it seems more plausible that guys would complain that gals are trying to feminize guys, overreacting, being ball busters, taking away guy's manhood, and not letting men be a men. Doesn't seem most guys listen to what gals say dismissing it as emotional or 'she has a vagina she doesn't know what she wants' so I doubt most would change accordingly based on what gals do.
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Not everybody is that bleak . For someone so young, you have quite a cynical outlook lol. No doubt due to experiences.... Not every man places so much value on the youth of a woman, it's not a universal fact by any means. Any man who uses such as an excuse is lying. I'm not so young I'm 21 in two years I'll be past my prime and edging towards being used up. My cynical outlook is based on experiences, observations, and what many guys have said or done with a miniscule minority saying or doing otherwise. Nowhere did I state it was a universal fact, general truth, or definitive statement. I stated it was my view.
xxoo Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I mean how youth and aging is viewed depending on gender and orientation affects expectations of love. I couldn't disagree more. If anything, people tend to seek, recognize, value, and care for love morewith age. All that other focus on youth and age has nothing to do with real love.
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