O'Malley Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 yes, a lot of women are entirely motivated by insecurity, and those women will be taken advantage of by men who can find out what it is they're insecure about and prey on it. the fault doesn't lie with the men, however. the fault lies with the inability of those women to control their emotions and insecurity. everyone is responsible for their own situation. I disagree with the bolded, nor do I feel that gender plays some determining factor in who engages in this kind of behavior. Men realistically arent any more divorced from their emotions and insecurities than women are, despite claims to the contrary. No one is owed happiness, but I think's that an entirely separate notion from the perspective that it's acceptable for people to mistreat others that have somehow 'invited' that behavior. I do think the OP should attempt to understand how her insecurity is playing a role in how she reacts to and addresses the (lousy) behavior that this guy is demonstrating, but she's not responsible for his choice to act this way, only how she responds to it. To claim that someone who gauges those insecurities in another individual, and actively chooses to gaslight (which he's doing), isn't responsible for their behavior is faulty reasoning. 1
threebyfate Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 actually it doesn't. she's no different than all of the women hating men on here, she deals with her own loneliness by sitting around thinking that all men are part of some grand conspiracy against women. the fact is no one is owed happiness. some people get it some people don't. there is nothing right or wrong in any of this, hence the saying "all's fair". yes, a lot of women are entirely motivated by insecurity, and those women will be taken advantage of by men who can find out what it is they're insecure about and prey on it. the fault doesn't lie with the men, however. the fault lies with the inability of those women to control their emotions and insecurity. everyone is responsible for their own situation.Yeah...right. There's fault to be allocated to both genders, where neither predatory actions or victim mentality should be enabled.
zengirl Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 the fault doesn't lie with the men, however. the fault lies with the inability of those women to control their emotions and insecurity. everyone is responsible for their own situation. I both agree and disagree with you (irregardless of gender --- certainly women string men along, get GIGs, etc, etc, too). I agree that people are 100% responsible for their own happiness in life and need to be wary of their own insecurities and choose responsibly to avoid hurt. However, knowingly preying on people who have not done so is still a bad action and the person who does that is ALSO responsible for their actions and the pain they cause others, especially if intentional but even if negligent. We cannot expect anyone else to be responsible for our happiness, but we can say people are responsible when they fail to act with integrity. Men stop looking for the next to best thing, when they strike an emotional chord with a particular woman. This is so much more rare than anyone thinks. I think part of the reason it's rare is because MOST people throw up so many walls, between their insecurities and their games and their desire to prey on weakness (which is just another insecurity) and so forth. If you truly open yourself up to connection, seek it, are connected to yourself, trust the universe and the people in it, and act with integrity, I find connection is quite easy to come by and then the issue becomes more practical concerns, in terms of limiting who you can be in a relationship with. I do agree most people seem to have problems truly connecting and building intimacy with another human being, but that's because they actively make themselves difficult to build intimacy with, usually out of fear. 2
veggirl Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 OP, do you see Shaun dro's comment on this thread? You are dating a guy like him. You need to find someone like some of the other guys who have posted--who value something OTHER than youth / beauty, both of which as pointed out multiple times, fade. It doesn't sound like you and your man have any type of true connection beyond the physical or fun. Quit settling for overgrown frat boys and find a grown man who is looking for a woman to build a life with, not a girl to show off and just have fun with. 1
Negative Nancy Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 If a woman can't get a man to settle down at any age then she might not be what he is looking for in a wife. your wife was in her 40s when you married her?
Woggle Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Not quite 40 at the time but she is older than me. I love her no matter what. I didn't seek out a specific age but when you find somebody right why let it get in the way?
Negative Nancy Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I'm happy for you but sorry, this is the sad reality: I’m torn between the hot younger girl and the stable secure woman | News.com.au Ask Bossy Blog 1
Shaun-Dro Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 OP, I'm going to agree on some of the above... but disagree on the bolded. I've never had a problem attracting younger (even much younger men) for relationships and I'm older than you. Men who are on an age kick never get their 'fix'. They are always going for the younger model because it isn't about intimacy and connection with them. It's about their ego. Those men are always poor choices, no matter what age they end up. Anyway... I want to get around this age thing for women. Women need to stop believing that men of a certain age are anything. Men over 30 are not necessarily ready to settle down. Older men are not necessarily more mature. They are not more faithful, better off financially, or anything else. So, put all that sh*t away that gives 'older men' the idea they are all that and a bag of chips. They aren't. Don't let the guys here 'scare' you into dating older men, is what I'm saying... especially if their scare tactics are designed to make you do so out of insecurity. These guys love that feeling that the world is gonna be their f-ing oyster someday when it comes to women. All I gotta say is keep dreaming. OP, pick someone who you are genuinely compatible with and treats you well. There is no other choice. This guy you are with sounds like a loser. It has nothing to do with his age. Also, if you feel insecure about your age, dirtbags like him will be happy to hone in on that. It's always something with those types. If you were insecure about something else, he'd be gnawing away on that right now... whatever it takes to keep you off-balance. That's how those types operate. Ditch em. Ditch em quick. The OP's boyfriend hasn't done anything to be labeled a dirtbag, ok? You toss that word around too loosely for your own good. The OP only needs to sit back and keep an eye on him and see where things take her before going ahead and doing what she needs to do, period.
thatone Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I both agree and disagree with you (irregardless of gender --- certainly women string men along, get GIGs, etc, etc, too). I agree that people are 100% responsible for their own happiness in life and need to be wary of their own insecurities and choose responsibly to avoid hurt. However, knowingly preying on people who have not done so is still a bad action and the person who does that is ALSO responsible for their actions and the pain they cause others, especially if intentional but even if negligent. We cannot expect anyone else to be responsible for our happiness, but we can say people are responsible when they fail to act with integrity. I think part of the reason it's rare is because MOST people throw up so many walls, between their insecurities and their games and their desire to prey on weakness (which is just another insecurity) and so forth. If you truly open yourself up to connection, seek it, are connected to yourself, trust the universe and the people in it, and act with integrity, I find connection is quite easy to come by and then the issue becomes more practical concerns, in terms of limiting who you can be in a relationship with. I do agree most people seem to have problems truly connecting and building intimacy with another human being, but that's because they actively make themselves difficult to build intimacy with, usually out of fear. it goes both ways. men get taken advantage of by women too. and guess what? that's also the fault of the 'victim' for lack of a better word. should've paid attention. it's honestly very difficult to completely mislead an intelligent person for any length of time in a relationship. an intelligent person will pick up hints and clues of red flags and act accordingly. an ignorant person will not, but that's life. no one is rewarded for ignoring stop signs, they give you a ticket for that.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I love this thread. Lets first make gross generalizations about how women are less worthwhile after 30 while 30+ year old men talk about how worthwhile they are. Then lets accuse women for having the audocity to be confused and insecure about such messages and advice them to "buck up" and "control themselves" while we justify and excuse men lusting after women 10+ years younger then themselves. Lets dig the needle a little deeper and make sure women understand that men ALWAYS what younger and hotter women just so we are sure women understand there isn't much they can do to be the star in their man's life once he considers her a decaying piece of doody vs co-eds. But lets also tell women to be sweet and kind and warm and loving to these men just so men are still getting their needs met with women they don't even consider worthy of their affection due to their aging bodies. Yeap, there will always be someone more beautiful. How about instead of using this as a justification for lusting after said person, how about it becomes a justification why focusing on your partner instead of said hot person, would be the better aim. How about "love the one you are with". How about, just becaue there is always "hotter" people out there doesn't become an anthem about why someone should spend their time lusting after them and telling their partner direclty or indirectly that their aging corpse of a body is less worthy they said "hotter person". OP, your boyfriend is not a good man. He makes you feel like crap about yourself and is oggling younger women. Dump him. He doesn't care about you and he doesn't even make you feel good. 4
joystickd Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Take it to the female fringe of dating to guide it in a crazy direction. Men stop looking when a woman is worth it. If your man is looking then to him you are not worth it. Its as simple as that. Younger, older, etc if you are worth it to him he will stop looking. 3
Disenchantedly Yours Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Take it to the female fringe of dating to guide it in a crazy direction. Take it to the male fringe of dating to insert a put down for no reason at all. 1
Sanman Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 You didn't know any better? Lots of women (most?) settle into a LTR somewhere in their 20s. You may have been an immature 20 something, and are now an immature 30 something. The great thing about being in my 30s was letting go of the need to be the hottest woman in the room. A woman who reaches 35 while still competing in the looks department is setting herself up for a lot of unhappiness. Why do you put up with this guy? Show him you are the bomb, and he'd better get with the program and realize it, or you're gone. Be worth more than a PYT, and look for a guy who values you--not the next PYT. She puts up with it because the OP likely also places a great deal of importance on looks. Many people here are ragging on the guy when the truth is that like usually attracts like. If the OP really wants to attract a better kind of person, she needs to work on developing what she looks for in others and herself first. 2
joystickd Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Take it to the male fringe of dating to insert a put down for no reason at all. I'm far from fringe lmao! No put down just an observation. If I actually really did a put down you definitely would know. I just speak on what I see. If you don't like it then IGNORE!!!! It actually works try it sometime.
Woggle Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I agree that there are many men who just want to date a younger swimsuit model but women are just as bad. There is no moral high ground here on other side. Also my wife might be older than I am but she still has the passion and spirit of a young person and so do I. I love living life to the and she does to. We get mistaken for a couple in our 20s when we go out to clubs together. On the other hand she is also loyal and has learned from her experiences.
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I agree that there are many men who just want to date a younger swimsuit model but women are just as bad. Very different experiences as I have yet to see gals refer to guys their age as 'past prime', 'aging like milk', and 'used up'. My experiences have been that gals generally find age attractive, don't consider it a default negative, or can find age attractive without him having to look younger than his age. 3
Woggle Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Very different experiences as I have yet to see gals refer to guys their age as 'past prime', 'aging like milk', and 'used up'. My experiences have been that gals generally find age attractive, don't consider it a default negative, or can find age attractive without him having to look younger than his age. I don't agree. The cougar trend is really hot these days.
Badsingularity Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I notice pretty women. I think some women out there are great for the eyes. So does my wife. This is normal. This is ok. That being said. What I have with my wife could never be matched by any of those women. She's a man lover. A diamond in the rough.
Sid6.7 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I'm getting really worried now because I caught my boyfriend texting some girl and its got my panties in a knot as it has the right to be. He tried to deny it by telling me she's just some girl he met from the chat and she means nothing to him but why is he even in there? Most of the people there are fake liars! I just dont get what his problem is We've been dating for more than several months so things are still new to us. I've been busting my butt to stay in shape for him. Wearing nice little outfits that he likes so it shows my figure and wearing makeup whenever we're out so I dont dissapoint him. I dont know what else to do here because I really care about him and I know he feels the same but its hard when we pass these younger looking women and I can tell he's interested. Dont ask me how I know. I just do. He compliments me on how beautiful I am and how I look good for my age but I hate the fact of him even saying that kind of comment about age I keep feeling that he's starting to get bored of me. Most men seem to be this way after they get what they want then wanna go on the hunt for something better. Women like me do all we can to sustain their interests but we wound up in lose-lose situations Maybe you just aren't getting the job done.
udolipixie Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I don't agree. The cougar trend is really hot these days. My experiences of guys wanting a younger partner far more than gals does take into account the cougar trend. As well what it seems guys consider dating older such as he's dating older if she's 1 year older but he's not dating younger if she's 3 years younger that's limited to gals 10-20 years younger. 2
RedRobin Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 The OP's boyfriend hasn't done anything to be labeled a dirtbag, ok? You toss that word around too loosely for your own good. The OP only needs to sit back and keep an eye on him and see where things take her before going ahead and doing what she needs to do, period. Women have much better things to do with their time than be babysitters for men with a roving eye or one who cuts her down. Yes, I think he is a dirtbag. A common dirtbag. Yep. Not worth wasting any more time on. Why should she be his back up booty while he's doing his BBD'ing? Nah... I say, make him available to the dating pool if he thinks he's so hot. Then maybe he'll learn some manners. Or not. Either way, he won't be her problem to deal with anymore and she can keep her self-respect. 3
Sid6.7 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Women have much better things to do with their time than be babysitters for men with a roving eye or one who cuts her down. Yes, I think he is a dirtbag. A common dirtbag. Yep. Not worth wasting any more time on. Why should she be his back up booty while he's doing his BBD'ing? Nah... I say, make him available to the dating pool if he thinks he's so hot. Then maybe he'll learn some manners. Or not. Either way, he won't be her problem to deal with anymore and she can keep her self-respect. Agreed 100% Then he can find someone that is willing to get the job done and never have the need for a waivering eye, or compelled to sent a text to someone else.
RedRobin Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Younger, older, etc if you are worth it to him he will stop looking. Maybe, maybe not. Some men are character flawed and they will continue looking forever because they can't bond with a woman or they have some screwed up notions that commitment means they are p*ssy-whipped. In those cases, it has nothing to do with the woman. The man is just flawed. This is why I advise women to seek objective proof in the very early stages whether the man is interested in and capable of a LTR before getting emotionally invested in him.. and especially before having sex. If he has no history of being able to and doesn't demonstrate actions to show he is interested in a loving, committed relationship, then anything a woman does is a waste of time. It is throwing pearls before swine. Of course, if all she cares about is killing time and having fun, then go ahead. But a woman sincerely interested in a LTR doesn't waste her time with fun-time boys. I'll avoid the use of the term man-whore because it is overdone. 1
RedRobin Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Agreed 100% Then he can find someone that is willing to get the job done and never have the need for a waivering eye, or compelled to sent a text to someone else. Except, bad habits die hard. I don't happen to believe his behavior has anything to do with her. He's just being a jerk and seeing what he can get away with. That will follow to the next, then the next, then the next... Until he is old and wondering what the f*ck happened to his life... all that roving eye and texting is a sad replacement for a real human being who could have cared for him. Not for her to worry about. All she has to worry about is finding someone with integrity.
Sid6.7 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Except, bad habits die hard. I don't happen to believe his behavior has anything to do with her. He's just being a jerk and seeing what he can get away with. That will follow to the next, then the next, then the next... Until he is old and wondering what the f*ck happened to his life... all that roving eye and texting is a sad replacement for a real human being who could have cared for him. Not for her to worry about. All she has to worry about is finding someone with integrity. That's all cute and stuff, but really. Really, do you think for a moment he would be preoccupied if she were getting things done? You know what I mean.
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