Normal to open car doors, pump gas, etc for your date or girlfriend in the UK?

[zengirl]

Most of the guys I've dated opened the car door for me in the beginning stages, but it always stopped eventually. That kinda bugged me because it seemed like they were trying to impress me by acting like a "gentleman" in the beginning, but it wasn't representative of their true feelings/behavior. The fact that my H still does these things (and enjoys doing them) really is representative of who he is as a person. Kind, generous, courteous, giving. He definitely doesn't stop and think "omg this is so UNNECESSARY! She can open her OWN car door!" He does it because it's a small thing he can do to let me know he cares about me on a daily basis. Not because I am physically unable to do it for myself. Again.... sometimes it's the little things.

 

Yes, my husband is the same, and it's really a very different mindset than the men who do it just in the early stages, as you say.

[LittlePrince]

Yeah, I was watching a Youtube video, where an American was talking about how you're supposed to open the car door and hold it open for your date or girlfriend to get in, let her order first when having a meal, walk ahead, open and hold the door open to a building for her and let her through first, pumping gas for her, etc.

 

And I've read about Americans expecting/doing this kind of stuff on forums as well.

 

To me, these things are completely alien, and aren't instinctive to me, at least in the areas where I've lived, I've never seen guys behave like this.

 

To me, and I'm sure to a lot of other people where I live, this kind of stuff seems very OTT, unessesary, and old fashioned.

 

So I'm wondering, is this stuff NOT a part of the UK culture, or is it just not a part of the culture in the areas that I've grown up in and lived in?

This isn't even common in America and technically to be a real gentleman you don't allow her to order for herself but you order for her according to the old code.

[musemaj11]

I dont open doors for women for the sake of opening them for them. But that doesnt mean I dont care.

 

I will open the door for ANYONE when I see that that person would really be helped by it such as carrying stuff or walking right behind me.

 

In fact when a woman is walking in front of me, I expect her to at least hold the door for me as well. I believe in common courtesy not some 1960s hollywood bullcrap.

Edited June 9, 2012 by musemaj11

[Silly_Girl]

I'm really in to equality within a relationship, I married my best friend and then-housemate so it would have been weird to suddenly start with all these old - and in my view sexist - traditions.

 

So for those who enjoy the man doing 'extra' stuff, because he is THE MAN, I wonder whether there are things the female in the relationship does, purely by virtue of the fact she is THE FEMALE.

 

Maybe these relationships are more equal than they seem only we've only asked about one gender and one set of behaviours?

[Ross MwcFan]

Well, I cannot imagine that the person you're on a date with would be far enough away that it wouldn't slam in her face. Unless she's the one who walks through it first, and I'd hope she wouldn't let it slam in your face either. Typically you'd be close together on a date!

 

Yeah, with my hand on her butt hopefully.

[Els]

I'm really in to equality within a relationship, I married my best friend and then-housemate so it would have been weird to suddenly start with all these old - and in my view sexist - traditions.

 

So for those who enjoy the man doing 'extra' stuff, because he is THE MAN, I wonder whether there are things the female in the relationship does, purely by virtue of the fact she is THE FEMALE.

 

Maybe these relationships are more equal than they seem only we've only asked about one gender and one set of behaviours?

 

Of course every (decent) relationship involves giving from both sides. I've seen many ways in which women have given 'traditionally' in Rs as well. Some are more tangible, such as cooking, cleaning, etc. Some are less tangible, but no less important, such as being the one to smooth out arguments, being the one to put her career second when her partner is required to move for his, not minding if she is receiving fewer orgasms, dressing up in a way that her partner enjoys even though she does not request him to do the same, etc.

 

In general, people tend to give in their own ways, and sometimes, due to upbringing, that does follow traditional dictates (the man actually feels good when he opens the door, the woman feels good when she makes him coffee, etc). Nothing wrong with that.

[LittlePrince]

Of course every (decent) relationship involves giving from both sides. I've seen many ways in which women have given 'traditionally' in Rs as well. Some are more tangible, such as cooking, cleaning, etc. Some are less tangible, but no less important, such as being the one to smooth out arguments, being the one to put her career second when her partner is required to move for his, not minding if she is receiving fewer orgasms, dressing up in a way that her partner enjoys even though she does not request him to do the same, etc.

 

In general, people tend to give in their own ways, and sometimes, due to upbringing, that does follow traditional dictates (the man actually feels good when he opens the door, the woman feels good when she makes him coffee, etc). Nothing wrong with that.

So tying mistletoe to my belt buckle around the holidays is okay since it makes me feel good?

[Silly_Girl]

Of course every (decent) relationship involves giving from both sides. I've seen many ways in which women have given 'traditionally' in Rs as well. Some are more tangible, such as cooking, cleaning, etc. Some are less tangible, but no less important, such as being the one to smooth out arguments, being the one to put her career second when her partner is required to move for his, not minding if she is receiving fewer orgasms, dressing up in a way that her partner enjoys even though she does not request him to do the same, etc.

 

In general, people tend to give in their own ways, and sometimes, due to upbringing, that does follow traditional dictates (the man actually feels good when he opens the door, the woman feels good when she makes him coffee, etc). Nothing wrong with that.

 

This post didn't make me feel any more positive. It's extremely stereotypical, in my view. Perhaps my life (and those like it) is the exception with joint responsibility for cooking, gardening, cleaning, me being the higher earner etc.

[Els]

This post didn't make me feel any more positive. It's extremely stereotypical, in my view. Perhaps my life (and those like it) is the exception with joint responsibility for cooking, gardening, cleaning, me being the higher earner etc.

 

As I said, in good relationships, people should have the opportunity to give in the ways that they feel most comfortable doing. Whether or not those ways happen to coincide with traditional ways depends on the individual couple. One way is not any better than the other.

[zengirl]

This post didn't make me feel any more positive. It's extremely stereotypical, in my view. Perhaps my life (and those like it) is the exception with joint responsibility for cooking, gardening, cleaning, me being the higher earner etc.

 

I don't think Elswyth was suggesting those were the ONLY ways, but rather that people who engage in stereotypical roles like that are doing so not generally because they HAVE to but because that's how they show their conscientiousness. ETA: Many couples fit some stereotypes and not others, etc, etc, some fit none, etc, etc. I don't think, "But that's a stereotypical gender role!" is a reason NOT to open a door for someone if you want to, for instance, as long as the reason you're doing it is out of true conscientiousness and caring.

Edited June 10, 2012 by zengirl

[Silly_Girl]

I don't think, "But that's a stereotypical gender role!" is a reason NOT to open a door for someone if you want to, for instance, as long as the reason you're doing it is out of true conscientiousness and caring.

 

Agree. I wouldn't use gender as a reason TO do something or as a reason NOT to.

 

I was genuinely surprised at the answers in the thread. I know a couple who laugh at themselves and say they're The 50's Couple because with 4 kids they tick an awful lot of those stereotypes and they like it that way. Difference is that they've evolved as a couple that way because it suits them. When they started out as students they were equal in all things and certainly there was no expectation of each other in these aspects. She would not have ruled him in/out on the basis of the door opening being his responsibility or because he didn't jump out first at the petrol station or walk nearest the road and all that. I didn't know anyone set any store by that stuff these days other than we most of us find kind and courteous people more attractive than those who aren't.

[anne1707]

I was genuinely surprised at the answers in the thread. I know a couple who laugh at themselves and say they're The 50's Couple because with 4 kids they tick an awful lot of those stereotypes and they like it that way. Difference is that they've evolved as a couple that way because it suits them. When they started out as students they were equal in all things and certainly there was no expectation of each other in these aspects. She would not have ruled him in/out on the basis of the door opening being his responsibility or because he didn't jump out first at the petrol station or walk nearest the road and all that. I didn't know anyone set any store by that stuff these days other than we most of us find kind and courteous people more attractive than those who aren't.

 

You seem to be contradicting yourself here. You say you are surprised at people liking displays of good manners/courtesy but then say that most people find courteous people more attractive.

 

I was the one who posted about an ex who always walked nearest the road. I never expected it, never demanded it, never felt let down ny anybody who did not do it - but I liked the way he did it. Just because people say they like some of the things talked about in this thread, does not mean that they demand all such behaviours.

 

Good manners/courtesy = consideration and thoughtfulness - what is not to like in that? What is so surprising that people like that?

[Silly_Girl]

Anne, I was surprised that some people affirmed they do want the man to do these things and that there is a gender expectation.

[zengirl]

Anne, I was surprised that some people affirmed they do want the man to do these things and that there is a gender expectation.

 

I don't think the two statements are the same. "Wanting" a man who does such things and expecting men to do them aren't the same thing, are they? If someone only dates men and wants her partner to open doors for her to show courtesy, it MAY be a gender expectation but may not, depending on the person, I'd imagine.

[anne1707]

I don't think the two statements are the same. "Wanting" a man who does such things and expecting men to do them aren't the same thing, are they? If someone only dates men and wants her partner to open doors for her to show courtesy, it MAY be a gender expectation but may not, depending on the person, I'd imagine.

 

This is pretty much it, yes.

 

I don't expect or demand my husband opens doors for me but he does it because he wants to and I like it, simple as that.

 

And just to clarify re gender expectations/stereotypes - I hold doors open for men and women, i.e. regardless of gender.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't think the two statements are the same. "Wanting" a man who does such things and expecting men to do them aren't the same thing, are they? If someone only dates men and wants her partner to open doors for her to show courtesy, it MAY be a gender expectation but may not, depending on the person, I'd imagine.

 

There were responses that confirmed that the behaviour was wanted or expected or offered from a man, because he's the man in the relationship, hence my use of 'gender expectation' and also my surprise.

[WonderKid]

It doesn't really matter what gender it is but in this world we all know it is really common among women. If a guy opens the door for her some women won't notice, but most actually do. If a woman open the car door for me and stuff like that I'd be very grateful.

 

In some cases to most women it isn't a big deal.

 

Girls are used to getting treated soo bad that they wouldn't know a guy being a gentleman if it was 5 of them in her face.

 

But a woman, she looks for the gentleman trait in the guy. He doesn't have to be Alfred off Batman, but to have somewhat of a trait like that she will recognize.

 

IDK how it is in the UK exactly, but I was brought up to treat women right and hold the door open for them. And pump their gas and insist paying for dates, etc.

 

I'm still single now, but still had tons of success sweeping women off their feet. Older women realize it more though.