Normal to open car doors, pump gas, etc for your date or girlfriend in the UK?

June 7, 2012

I don't think most men do these things because they think the woman is incapable. But it still comes across as though the women are being 'treated' as though they're incapable, and it's understandable that it'd make some women feel as though they're being treated that way, I'd feel as though I was being treated that way.

If a guy opening a door for you makes you doubt whether you are capable of opening the door yourself there's something seriously wrong with you. That thought has never even crossed my mind.

June 7, 2012

I don't think most men do these things because they think the woman is incapable. But it still comes across as though the women are being 'treated' as though they're incapable, and it's understandable that it'd make some women feel as though they're being treated that way, I'd feel as though I was being treated that way.

I agree with this. A lot of these traditions are based on such implicit assumptions.

June 7, 2012

If a guy opening a door for you makes you doubt whether you are capable of opening the door yourself there's something seriously wrong with you. That thought has never even crossed my mind.

I never said it would make me doubt whether I was capable of opening the door myself.

I think you need to start reading my posts more carefully.

June 7, 2012

Not in the UK and not with a girlfriend but I routinely would do such things for my now exW. If she was driving on a trip, I'd do the co-pilot thing and hop out and fill the tank, wash the windows and check the fluids and tires.

Can I ask?... If that's 'co-piloting' what was left for your co-pilot to do at the service station?

June 7, 2012

I just think that things like pulling out chairs, and pumping gas for her without her even asking are silly.

I guess it depends on the girl. But I think its better to offend a girl by being too nice than not nice enough, no?

TBH, I don't know one girl who ever complained about a man being too much a gentleman, most complaints are usually about him not being enough gentleman.

I also think that since being a gentleman - by how you describe it with doors and gas - is so rare, than actually doing those things are more likely to impress a girl. So why not do it? If all guys did those things, then it would be harder to impress her right?

You don't have to, but it definitely impresses so I don't know why more guys dont do it.

P.S If a girl asks then guys hate her for it. They think she feels entitled. So a woman will never ask even though her intentions are good and not shallow, but try telling a guy that

Edited June 8, 2012 by Leopard

June 8, 2012

I guess it depends on the girl. But I think its better to offend a girl by being too nice than not nice enough, no?

TBH, I don't know one girl who ever complained about a man being too much a gentleman, most complaints are usually about him not being enough gentleman.

I don't like the idea of being a 'gentleman', it sounds uncool, and old fashioned. I don't even like the way gentleman sounds.

I also think that since being a gentleman - by how you describe it with doors and gas - is so rare, than actually doing those things are more likely to impress a girl. So why not do it? If all guys did those things, then it would be harder to impress her right?

It depends on where I am, in America it would impress her, but where I live it would just make her think you're weird.

I'm not interested in impressing people, male or female. Doing something just for the sake of impressing them, kinda seems as though you're looking for their approval, like you've got low self esteem or something.

June 8, 2012

Ross,

Is the real question behind this whether or not you will have better chances of having a girlfriend if you do these things?

If so, you might. Don't go overboard, but holding the door open is common courtesey. Don't be too nice, don't put her on a pedestal, but don't insist on not opening the door on the basis that you're equals. A girl likes you if you make her feel special. But not creepy special. It is this seeming paradox you obviously have difficulties with. Work on that.

June 8, 2012

Ross,

Is the real question behind this whether or not you will have better chances of having a girlfriend if you do these things?

If so, you might. Don't go overboard, but holding the door open is common courtesey. Don't be too nice, don't put her on a pedestal, but don't insist on not opening the door on the basis that you're equals. A girl likes you if you make her feel special. But not creepy special. It is this seeming paradox you obviously have difficulties with. Work on that.

There's no other motive or reason to my question, I simply heard about how this stuff is common in America, I thought it was bizarre, and decided out of pure curiosity to make a topic about it to see if it really is just America and not the UK that is like this, or whether it is common in the UK but just doesn't happen in the areas I've lived in.

I don't think I need to work on it. If I lived in America, then I'd have to.

June 8, 2012

I don't think most men do these things because they think the woman is incapable. But it still comes across as though the women are being 'treated' as though they're incapable, and it's understandable that it'd make some women feel as though they're being treated that way, I'd feel as though I was being treated that way.

Nod. So do what you feel most comfortable doing. It really isn't a huge deal to most normal people whether you do it or not.

I don't live in America, but most of the stuff you mention is still pretty common where I come from. Not the car door thing, but definitely the gas and doors, and paying for dates especially. That sort of stuff is not just localised to America.

June 8, 2012

It's not like you "have" to do that stuff, even in America. Even in the South where I live (and where such things are more common), it's not like some kind of mandate or that there's no one who'd date guys who don't. I wouldn't take TOO much of your understanding of American dating, in practice, from forums like these. You get a lot of opinions and statements, based mostly on hypotheticals, not real life. Same everywhere.

I *do* think that quality women tend to want quality men, and both quality women and men are courteous, helpful, and eager to please their partners, so someone with an attitude that they don't want to do anything for anyone type thing wouldn't go far, but that's not the same as simply not following the set courtesies, IF you cultivate your own courtesies. But I think that's the same everywhere. Some of these courtesies are still just more customary in American dating perhaps, but nowhere near universal.

And, honestly, when I was in Europe and Asia and South America, excepting Britain, I cannot think of a city where men (even friends -- hell, even GAY men) didn't trip all over themselves to pay for my meals, etc. Even in Britain, many did. I didn't always accept, but it was often insisted. Some countries, like Argentina, Spain, Greece, Turkey, etc, it seemed much more commonplace for men to insist on paying for my things or opening doors or whatnot than in the United States. I will agree the UK is not a country like that, from my experience, but neither is the United States -- typically men in the US only show such courtesies towards women they're actually trying to date, whereas in some countries, you see it towards ALL women, even women they don't find attractive, etc.

June 8, 2012

I'm not interested in impressing people, male or female. Doing something just for the sake of impressing them, kinda seems as though you're looking for their approval, like you've got low self esteem or something.

Really?

So if you meet a girl you really like, you won't bother impressing her because you're afraid she will think less of you? That doesn't sound right.

She could meet another guy who will actually try to impress her, and you won't stand a chance - even if you're the better guy - because she didn't see what you are capable of. If the other guy showed off what he is good at, and how capable he is of treating a lady - whatever that means - then she is more likely to go with him because she saw what he can do. And even if YOU are the better guy, she won't know it because "i'm not looking for approval so I don't impress women".

I don't agree with how you are thinking. The point of impressing is to show what you are capable of, that's why people get promoted when they impress their boss, or they get the girl, or they get the job etc. That's why we brag in our resumes and university applications. Because the point is to impress.

By saying you don't care to impress, it sounds like you don't care if things are done half-ass. I wouldn't want to date someone like that. It reflects character. He won't move forward in love, he won't have ambitions, he won't try to impress his boss etc. To me, a guy like that isn't someone I would want to date. It even sounds lazy.

Not saying you are like this, but if this is really your attitude - even towards dating - then I think you have the wrong mindset. You don't have to pump gas or hold doors - even though it would help you in any case - but you have to at least try to impress her with your good qualities, otherwise she might not even see them.

If you think it's about approval, then maybe you have an insecurity about yourself, about maybe how women will judge you if you do these things. Then that has nothing to do with impressing but maybe something else you need to look at.

Edited June 8, 2012 by Leopard

June 8, 2012

Really?

So if you meet a girl you really like, you won't bother impressing her because you're afraid she will think less of you? That doesn't sound right.

Hmmm, talk about jumping to conclusions, or putting words in my mouth. I never said or thought that a woman would think less of me for trying to impress her.

She could meet another guy who will actually try to impress her, and you won't stand a chance - even if you're the better guy - because she didn't see what you are capable of.

Good, then they're welcome to each other. She probably wasn't the right kind of girl for me anyway if she cares more about male chest beating over personality.

If the other guy showed off what he is good at, and how capable he is of treating a lady - whatever that means - then she is more likely to go with him because she saw what he can do. And even if YOU are the better guy, she won't know it because "i'm not looking for approval so I don't impress women".

Read above...

I don't agree with how you are thinking. The point of impressing is to show what you are capable of, that's why people get promoted when they impress their boss, or they get the girl, or they get the job etc. That's why we brag in our resumes and university applications. Because the point is to impress.

Okay, it's understandable for a job, but for a woman? Trying to 'get' a woman to like you? I know it's common, but to me, it doesn't sit right, and it isn't for me. I want a woman to like me for me, not for the 'show' that I can put on for her.

It's like screaming 'look at me, take me over all these other men'.

By saying you don't care to impress, it sounds like you don't care if things are done half-ass. I wouldn't want to date someone like that. It reflects character. He won't move forward in love, he won't have ambitions, he won't try to impress his boss etc. To me, a guy like that isn't someone I would want to date. It even sounds lazy.

You're jumping to conclusions again...

Not saying you are like this, but if this is really your attitude - even towards dating - then I think you have the wrong mindset.

Fair enough, that's your opinion. I just don't feel the need to be getting down on one knee, flashing money around, or jumping through hoops to 'get' someone to like me or to be 'impressed'. That just seems loserish.

June 8, 2012

Ross

Can I ask this...

How do you feel if a stranger holds a door open for you? Does it bring a little smile to your face? Do you say thank you and mean it? Or do you just walk on through regardless?

And in turn, how do you feel if that stranger just lets the door close in front of you? Do you think nothing of it or do you think they are rude/ignorant?

June 8, 2012

not sure where in the uk you live but holding a door open comes natural to me as its kind of built in to you as manners and being polite when you grow up. Opening a taxi door too and letting them order first is normal...ladies first and all that, I thought it was a more british thing than american. I wouldnt do the petrol thing though, thats a bit too ott.

June 9, 2012

Ross

Can I ask this...

How do you feel if a stranger holds a door open for you? Does it bring a little smile to your face? Do you say thank you and mean it? Or do you just walk on through regardless?

And in turn, how do you feel if that stranger just lets the door close in front of you? Do you think nothing of it or do you think they are rude/ignorant?

I'm one of those super-polite people who holds doors etc and forgets I've already said please/thank you and end up saying it again, sometimes more. I hate to interrupt people and always knock people's office door as I go in, even if the door belongs to one of my staff. But that's manners, and it's not connected to gender, or dating, or 'getting a guy/gal to like you'. I'm the same with friends/family, men/women alike. I really resent the expectation that the people who have a penis have to have more manners than those who don't. I like to be treated well, but not based on gender or because someone thinks it might help them to get in my knickers.

I think the consensus is that courteous and kind is good, but it's the intention behind it where people seem to differ.

June 9, 2012

I like to be treated well, but not based on gender or because someone thinks it might help them to get in my knickers.

I think the consensus is that courteous and kind is good, but it's the intention behind it where people seem to differ.

I totally agree. As a child, I was brought up to respect my elders, hold doors open, show courtesy to everybody. Good manners should be the norm and whilst they are always appreciated, rudeness never goes unnoticed.

June 9, 2012

Okay, it's understandable for a job, but for a woman? Trying to 'get' a woman to like you? I know it's common, but to me, it doesn't sit right, and it isn't for me. I want a woman to like me for me, not for the 'show' that I can put on for her.

It's like screaming 'look at me, take me over all these other men'.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. A woman can still like you, but if another guy she also likes puts in the effort to try to impress her, she will chose him over you. Point being not the "impress" part, but the "effort" part. It just shows how much he wants her.

And the "look at me take me over all these other men" is exactly what impressing is about. I don't think the whole "gas pumping door holding" thing is the issue here, I think you would prefer that a woman chase you rather than you going after her. Am I right?

June 9, 2012

It certainly used to be part of UK culture and it still is amongst most guys my age. I like it when guys behave in a gentlemanly fashion. If a guy doesn't, I would lose interest in him. It might just be my generation but it just seems sweet that he's being considerate. Most of the young guys I know behave like this too; it's just the way they are brought up. Perhaps it's not common where you live, but I can promise you girls will remember it.

June 9, 2012

Ross

Can I ask this...

How do you feel if a stranger holds a door open for you? Does it bring a little smile to your face? Do you say thank you and mean it? Or do you just walk on through regardless?

And in turn, how do you feel if that stranger just lets the door close in front of you? Do you think nothing of it or do you think they are rude/ignorant?

If a stanger holds a door open for me, I'll say thanks, maybe I will smile a little.

If a stranger let's a door close in front of me, then I'd think they either didn't know I was there, or were rude.

June 9, 2012

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. A woman can still like you, but if another guy she also likes puts in the effort to try to impress her, she will chose him over you. Point being not the "impress" part, but the "effort" part. It just shows how much he wants her.

And the "look at me take me over all these other men" is exactly what impressing is about. I don't think the whole "gas pumping door holding" thing is the issue here, I think you would prefer that a woman chase you rather than you going after her. Am I right?

Yeah you're right, but that's nothing to do with what i'm saying here.

June 9, 2012

If a stanger holds a door open for me, I'll say thanks, maybe I will smile a little.

If a stranger let's a door close in front of me, then I'd think they either didn't know I was there, or were rude.

Well apply that to a situation with a woman you are dating - it then becomes much more personal and meaningful to her if the door is opened for her, and also much more rude/hurtful if the door isn't.

June 9, 2012

Well apply that to a situation with a woman you are dating - it then becomes much more personal and meaningful to her if the door is opened for her, and also much more rude/hurtful if the door isn't.

Yeah you have a point. Now that I think about it, holding a door open is just as unnecessary as those other things (like pumping gas, etc), unless the person behind you is so close to you it'd slam in their face.

June 9, 2012

Yeah you have a point. Now that I think about it, holding a door open is just as unnecessary as those other things (like pumping gas, etc), unless the person behind you is so close to you it'd slam in their face.

Well, I cannot imagine that the person you're on a date with would be far enough away that it wouldn't slam in her face. Unless she's the one who walks through it first, and I'd hope she wouldn't let it slam in your face either. Typically you'd be close together on a date!

June 9, 2012

When a woman is really into you, you dont need to do anything. As long as you dont abuse her, she will be happy enough having you around her. Though in many cases, even if you abused a woman, she would still stick to you if she were completely heads over hells toward you.

If a woman requires you to do certain things to get her to stay with you, then she is simply not that into you. This is a fact.

June 9, 2012

My husband opens doors for me wherever we go, including the car door (when I'm getting in, not when I'm getting out). He also pumps my gas if we are driving somewhere together and I happen to need to stop for it. He'll usually wash the windows while the gas is pumping. I love when he does these little things. Courteous, caring gestures like that can really go a long way.

Most of the guys I've dated opened the car door for me in the beginning stages, but it always stopped eventually. That kinda bugged me because it seemed like they were trying to impress me by acting like a "gentleman" in the beginning, but it wasn't representative of their true feelings/behavior. The fact that my H still does these things (and enjoys doing them) really is representative of who he is as a person. Kind, generous, courteous, giving. He definitely doesn't stop and think "omg this is so UNNECESSARY! She can open her OWN car door!" He does it because it's a small thing he can do to let me know he cares about me on a daily basis. Not because I am physically unable to do it for myself. Again.... sometimes it's the little things.

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Normal to open car doors, pump gas, etc for your date or girlfriend in the UK?

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