Normal to open car doors, pump gas, etc for your date or girlfriend in the UK?

June 7, 2012

I'm in the UK. I find some of that patronising! I've been driving since 17. Loved filling my car, oil changes, changing spark plugs etc. As if I can't use a petrol pump!!!

I often hold doors open for other PEOPLE (couldn't care less what gender they are), I split all date costs (or do it turn and turn about) and I notice that many waiting staff don't observe the traditional rules of serving women first etc and that's all cool by me.

I appreciate a kind and thoughtful PERSON but have no expectations of what that entails based on gender. It might be because I married my best friend many years ago so when we set up home everything was equal and fair and I loved it that way, perhaps it's stuck with me.

I much prefer that kind of woman over some damsel in distress type.

June 7, 2012

I think being a gentleman and having nice manners is always appreciated. It's nice when a man pulls your chair out, or walks behind you up the stairs, or offers his hand to help you. It shows that he cares enough to look after you.

Of course, even though I'm a woman I always extend the same courtesy to anyone who needs it. I open doors for people of both genders, I always walk behind my elderly mother when she goes up stairs, and I offer my hand to help her get out of the car etc. The general rule seems to be that the physically stronger person offers the courtesy to the other person.

Why should a guy walk behind a woman when they're walking up the stairs? I don't get it.

June 7, 2012

If we have come to our destination in a car, I will open the door and get out. If it's raining, my date should grab the umbrella (if I don't have one) and walk around to my side of the car and open the door so I don't get wet. Common courtesy.

If we are returning to the car afterward, he will generally unlock my door, then walk around to the driver's side. I will have already reached over and unlocked the door for him. Common courtesy.

Yes, grabbing the building door ahead of me and holding it open is nice. It's funny to see how some men can't quite grasp this concept and kind of stand on the wrong side and expect you to walk underneath their arm or something. Funny.

What a woman should always do is to thank the man for being courteous. He will be more likely to repeat his behavior.

I wouldn't.

June 7, 2012

Opening a door for a woman to like a restaurant or what not is something I do in pretty much any situation, whether a date, girlfriend, mother, woman and the occasion where it may be appropriate (group of ladies behind me).

I'm also somewhat attentive to a woman's needs, but not in a highly noticeable and overbearing way, I usually just do whatever it takes in terms of initiative, I don't stumble and wait to see what will happen or second guess myself.

I guess I'm just not thinking of myself first all the time however I'm sure there are times where I've not noticed and I did something in that sense.

In terms of pulling out chairs, that's not something I'm big on...I've not been in too many situations where I pull someones chair out then scoot it under their bottom...most women are either going to take off their coat and put their purse somewhere and don't really seem to be waiting or even ready for it. I'd have to say that seems a little bit too much coddling and a chance for awkwardness even though maybe its' something that would have been highly appreciated, I didn't see it in the moment however.

Opening car doors in general, that's something that I've done but not every single time. I'll unlock their side first and open it up most of the time (of course on dates yes), but not always close it, but the last thing I want to do is close it on their leg or something or get something caught in the door.

For myself I just use common sense, and I've never really dated the princess type, but more independent women, not feminist but more on the "you don't have to do every little thing for me" side...so they usually take the initiative on their own when it's reasonable to do so and I'll still find a way to make them feel respected and that I care about their needs because that's the kind of guy I am...I don't put effort into that and It's not something I worry about, I think I have pretty good etiquette overall.

However In some places in Europe I realized that women are even more independent and less expectant of that behavior...for example opening doors I haven't always seen done...and I've done it several times and didn't get any awkward looks just a quick thank you in their language or English. But I don't even think about this kind of a thing, It's just automatic and sometimes I worry about making someone feel uncomfortable but I'm not like starring at them with a big grin on my face, It's just casual.

For example at an airport...I think it was Heathrow, London where it happened...this lady was walking in high boots, and she had several bags in her hand and she ended up slipping and falling almost on her face...the people around her didn't react, they just kind of slowed down, looked and kept going...there was a couple behind her and they just looked at her then went around and I was about 20ft away...I went and helped her up and picked up her bags for her...oddly I felt like the one out of place for doing something that I see as a general courtesy..I'm not saying this only happens overseas either, I've seen it happen here where I live however I've seen a ton of situations as well where people are in trouble here and people respond...I've pushed a lot broken down cars out of intersections/roads or helped people pick up things that fell or dropped that I didn't even know.

June 7, 2012

Why should a guy walk behind a woman when they're walking up the stairs? I don't get it.

To try and grab her should she fall. Same reason men walk IN FRONT of a woman when going DOWN stairs. It's the only situation in the gentleman-y thing when men go first and ladies go last.

These things may be old fashioned but they're still a nice gesture.

I don't expect them, but I always feel flattered when it happens!

I live in London so noone really drives much, but in Portugal, where I'm from, usually the men drive, even if both the man and the woman are drivers.

June 7, 2012

To try and grab her should she fall. Same reason men walk IN FRONT of a woman when going DOWN stairs. It's the only situation in the gentleman-y thing when men go first and ladies go last.

When was the last time you saw a woman fall while walking up or down the stairs?? Unless your date is a geriatric, it's simply not going to happen. The real purpose of walking behind a woman when ascending a flight of stairs (especially on the first date) is getting a good opportunity to check out her ass.

On a side, the whole concept of "chivalry" is kind of offensive to women if you think about it. All the gentlemanly gimmicks that women love so much are based on the assumption that the average woman is physically and/or mentally handicapped. What kind of an adult needs to have another person to open car doors and pull out chairs for them?? It's a downright bizarre custom.

June 7, 2012

I don't know how guys are in the UK, i've never been or heard about how the guys are there, but I know that it's usually pretty rare for a guy to do this. All the guys I have dated are like this, and I guess that's one of the major things that made me like them, but I would say they are in the minority. I rarely see other guys doing that for their girlfriends, but I can say that when they do, people turn their heads. I guess since it's so uncommon it is extra noticed when a guy does that. I don't think it's necessary though.

I won't lie though, I got pretty used to it since most the guys I dated are like that, so it would be pretty weird to date a guy who didn't do those things. It would take some adjusting I guess, but I would definitely prefer the guy who was old-school like that.

June 7, 2012

There's nothing wrong with being a gentleman. And women who respect themselves would understand as well.

My mom told me: A guy who makes you pump your own gas ain't Sh*t.

And in many cases she's right.

June 7, 2012

unculterd fool gets the sex while the nice gas pumping male is at his compuder on fridays.

Uncultured fools get to pump girls. Cultured gentlemen get to pump girls' gas. Choose your destiny

June 7, 2012

Men who insist on walking behind on stairs are suspected of doing it just to clock a look at her arse.

The driver fills the car. Could be either gender.

If I pulled up with a date when I'm driving and he jumped out I'd think he was weird.

June 7, 2012

Not in the UK and not with a girlfriend but I routinely would do such things for my now exW. If she was driving on a trip, I'd do the co-pilot thing and hop out and fill the tank, wash the windows and check the fluids and tires. She kinda drew the line at opening the car door for her but I'd sneak one in occasionally.

I always enjoyed and never failed to volunteer for pushing the shopping cart due to the nice view of her assets, so to speak

I think what's 'normal' is defined by the couple, or potential couple, in the case of dating situations. I did date ladies who found such actions somewhat annoying or without merit. Good canary IMO. They moved on to more compatible men.

June 7, 2012

I live in Australia, but it's pretty similar to the UK from what I'm told. And RE: your question, the answer is no. I don't do any of these things for just any woman. I'll hold the door open for whoever is right behind me, but gender shouldn't come into play. I just don't see the point, and it's a little bit offensive that some people have the mindset that one sex is more precious. We are all humans, equal in every way. The equality movement was very beneficial, as everyone is now viewed as the same, which is good. Of course if I can see someone is disabled or something, then I will go the extra step, but otherwise no. And there are the obvious no brainers such as getting things off high shelves for short women.

Driver generally fills up the car. But if my gf asks me to fill up her car I will gladly do it.

Frankly this sort of reminds of the whole "women and children first" policy on the Titanic.

June 7, 2012

When was the last time you saw a woman fall while walking up or down the stairs?? Unless your date is a geriatric, it's simply not going to happen. The real purpose of walking behind a woman when ascending a flight of stairs (especially on the first date) is getting a good opportunity to check out her ass.

On a side, the whole concept of "chivalry" is kind of offensive to women if you think about it. All the gentlemanly gimmicks that women love so much are based on the assumption that the average woman is physically and/or mentally handicapped. What kind of an adult needs to have another person to open car doors and pull out chairs for them?? It's a downright bizarre custom.

Well.. I fall down stairs quite often, but I'm a clutz!

This has happened since the 17th/18th century when the DRESSES women wore were GIGANTIC and as such, a menace when going up or down stairs.

It is where it comes from and it made sense then.

I was just explaining the WHY. Not necessarily agreeing with it. But, as I said before, they are nice gestures and I appreciate them when they happen.

It's not about being a damsel in distress. I am certainly NOT one. But sometimes it's nice to have someone do something nice like pulling your chair for you to sit. Or opening the car door. I'm quite capable of doing both, but I will appreciate the gesture!

June 7, 2012

Yeah, I was watching a Youtube video, where an American was talking about how you're supposed to open the car door and hold it open for your date or girlfriend to get in, let her order first when having a meal, walk ahead, open and hold the door open to a building for her and let her through first, pumping gas for her, etc.

And I've read about Americans expecting/doing this kind of stuff on forums as well.

To me, these things are completely alien, and aren't instinctive to me, at least in the areas where I've lived, I've never seen guys behave like this.

To me, and I'm sure to a lot of other people where I live, this kind of stuff seems very OTT, unessesary, and old fashioned.

So I'm wondering, is this stuff NOT a part of the UK culture, or is it just not a part of the culture in the areas that I've grown up in and lived in?

It's pretty alien to me, too. When I lived in the UK, I noticed that men would generally be attentive to letting me walk through the door/ out of the elevator etc before them. Where I live that's not particularly common. I've only experienced the 'man opening the car door for woman' and the 'man taking charge at restaurant' scenarios in the US, and as none of this has been part of my cultural upbringing I find the former totally weird and the latter a bit alien. In general, I don't see a man's role to 'protect' me any more than I 'protect' him. It's a partnership, and I like that to be reflected in dating as well - with costs being split and suggestions for dating activities being mutually agreed upon rather than being the responsibility of one party.

June 7, 2012

To try and grab her should she fall. Same reason men walk IN FRONT of a woman when going DOWN stairs. It's the only situation in the gentleman-y thing when men go first and ladies go last.

These things may be old fashioned but they're still a nice gesture.

I don't expect them, but I always feel flattered when it happens!

I live in London so noone really drives much, but in Portugal, where I'm from, usually the men drive, even if both the man and the woman are drivers.

It seems very unlikely that they'd fall though, unless they were using crutches or had something wrong with their legs.

June 7, 2012

When was the last time you saw a woman fall while walking up or down the stairs?? Unless your date is a geriatric, it's simply not going to happen. The real purpose of walking behind a woman when ascending a flight of stairs (especially on the first date) is getting a good opportunity to check out her ass.

On a side, the whole concept of "chivalry" is kind of offensive to women if you think about it. All the gentlemanly gimmicks that women love so much are based on the assumption that the average woman is physically and/or mentally handicapped. What kind of an adult needs to have another person to open car doors and pull out chairs for them?? It's a downright bizarre custom.

Exactly FG.

If I was a woman, I would find this stuff to be very annoying, and I'd find it too over powering. I'd be like 'FFS, I'm not an invalid or mentally handicapped. What next you gonna cut my food up for me too?'

Edited June 7, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

June 7, 2012

Oh for God's sakes. Why are you over-dramatizing? No one's looking like a 'damsel in distress' simply because a man shows a little breeding and opens a woman's car door or pulls out her chair. My 28 year old son was taught to be a gentleman with the ladies even though he embraces more of the modern values in dating as well. But he still knows better than to be a jerk and not treat a lady like a lady. I'd never want anyone thinking I'd raised an impolite clod.

As far as the gas, if you're driving in a car with a woman and SHE gets out to pump the gas at the gas station while you sit in the car picking your nose, then you just look like an uncultured fool.

All I ever see are posts from guys who can't even get a freakin date but with attitudes like this, it's not hard to figure out why.

You seem to have an anger problem.

I'm not purposely over dramatizing anything, I'm pretty sure a lot or most other guys where I live would see it in the same way too.

Where I live I never see guys opening car doors, and pumping petrol for their women, and yet they all still manage to get girlfriends. It's a guy actually doing those things (at least where I live) which would make him look like a fool. He would definatley get some weird looks from his woman or anyone else who's around.

Edited June 7, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

June 7, 2012

I live in Australia, but it's pretty similar to the UK from what I'm told. And RE: your question, the answer is no. I don't do any of these things for just any woman. I'll hold the door open for whoever is right behind me, but gender shouldn't come into play. I just don't see the point, and it's a little bit offensive that some people have the mindset that one sex is more precious. We are all humans, equal in every way. The equality movement was very beneficial, as everyone is now viewed as the same, which is good. Of course if I can see someone is disabled or something, then I will go the extra step, but otherwise no. And there are the obvious no brainers such as getting things off high shelves for short women.

Driver generally fills up the car. But if my gf asks me to fill up her car I will gladly do it.

Frankly this sort of reminds of the whole "women and children first" policy on the Titanic.

Yeah it does seem like the whole equality movement hasn't happened in America yet, the country does seem to be very old fashioned in a lot of ways. I don't mean for that to sound offensive.

I'll go the extra step too, if I see that someone is struggling. Or say if I was with a woman and she had a lot of heavy shopping, I'd glady offer to carry some of the bags for her, or the heaviest thing.

One thing though, when on a date, as a man my instinct would tell me to pay for the meal, or whatever, it just feels right. But if she wants to split, I'm totally fine with that too.

Edited June 7, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

June 7, 2012

I do think it is over-dramatizing a bit to think someone who thinks a guy opening doors for her is nice is a 'damsel in distress' type, Ross. You say yourself you feel compelled to offer to cover a meal --- that seems more effort than just simply opening a door for a person! I certainly don't know many women who stand at a door in their daily lives, thinking, "Woe is me, when will some man come open this door for me?" They can open the damn door, and they probably will even on a date, if he doesn't.

I don't even know many women in the U.S. who consciously say they expect a man to always open doors -- though if they've had many BFs that do that, they may find something missing when a fella does not. Generally, however, it's seen as a nice gesture, like any act of courtesy, and a gesture of interest if a man does seem compelled to open doors. It's not seen as a "must" for every single woman -- I never met a man who opened car doors until my husband, and I thought it sweet, but because it was a gesture of romantic interest --- there are other kinds, of course --- not because I have some sort of girlish fear of opening my own car door. It's the thoughtfulness of actions that makes them stand out --- of course doing thoughtful things that are less 'standard' is even better, but many thoughtful men do both the old standards AND the extras.

ETA: It's not that ladies are judging men simply by the old standards, of door opening and so forth, but really that the men who do those regularly tend to be conscientious and thoughtful as a whole (generally, not always, of course), and that gets noticed. I don't know if that's true in the UK, but it seems like at least some UK ladies also see it that way.

Edited June 7, 2012 by zengirl

June 7, 2012

It seems very unlikely that they'd fall though, unless they were using crutches or had something wrong with their legs.

I've explained before. This was a common thing in the 17th/18th century, due the dresses the women wore! Obviously it doesn't make as much sense nowadays, but it is STILL a nice gesture if a guy does it.

I don't feel handicapped when a guy does nice things such a those. I feel flattered. I may even say that there is no need for such a thing, but if the guy insists I just thank him and carry on.

You don't HAVE to do it. But it is NICE if you do!

June 7, 2012

I can't comment on the UK, but my principle has always been: If you don't want to do it, don't. When it comes to trivial stuff like this, it isn't worth it troubling yourself over it. There will be compatible women around who will prefer your way or just plain won't care.

I do think, though, that your perspective into why (most) men do it for women is wrong. I don't think the men who do it are thinking that she can't do it herself, as you consistently state in your posts. Of course she can; I don't think anyone with half a brain assumes that a woman can reach the age of 18, even, without learning to open a door. It's about the individual man's principles on what 'treating a woman right' entails. To some, opening doors is part of the equation. To some, it isn't. Most people fall in between, btw; I haven't seen too many men do ALL of the things you describe, but most men (who are successful in Rs), I observe, do some of them.

June 7, 2012

I live in Europe and almost all of my boyfriends were very attentive. Besides that most men I meet are attentive! Whenever I walk towards a door they almost always hold it open for me, stop the car so I can cross the street, let me exit the elevator before them (even though one of my co-workers pointed out they do that so they can look at my bum, which put things in perspective, but I still appreciate it. ;-)) etc.

I appreciate it. But one of my friends absolutely hates it when men do that for her. It just depends on what you prefer. :-)

June 7, 2012

Exactly FG.

If I was a woman, I would find this stuff to be very annoying, and I'd find it too over powering. I'd be like 'FFS, I'm not an invalid or mentally handicapped. What next you gonna cut my food up for me too?'

It sounds like you think nice gestures should only be done if the person themselves is incapable. You sound like the kind of guy who would make a girl do everything herself simply because she can, and not the kind who would want to do something nice just to do something nice.

That's sad in my opinion.

June 7, 2012

I can't comment on the UK, but my principle has always been: If you don't want to do it, don't. When it comes to trivial stuff like this, it isn't worth it troubling yourself over it. There will be compatible women around who will prefer your way or just plain won't care.

I do think, though, that your perspective into why (most) men do it for women is wrong. I don't think the men who do it are thinking that she can't do it herself, as you consistently state in your posts. Of course she can; I don't think anyone with half a brain assumes that a woman can reach the age of 18, even, without learning to open a door. It's about the individual man's principles on what 'treating a woman right' entails. To some, opening doors is part of the equation. To some, it isn't. Most people fall in between, btw; I haven't seen too many men do ALL of the things you describe, but most men (who are successful in Rs), I observe, do some of them.

I don't think most men do these things because they think the woman is incapable. But it still comes across as though the women are being 'treated' as though they're incapable, and it's understandable that it'd make some women feel as though they're being treated that way, I'd feel as though I was being treated that way.

June 7, 2012

It sounds like you think nice gestures should only be done if the person themselves is incapable. You sound like the kind of guy who would make a girl do everything herself simply because she can, and not the kind who would want to do something nice just to do something nice.

That's sad in my opinion.

You're jumping to conclusions.

I wouldn't 'make' a girl do anything. The last thing I'd ever want to be is some control freak.

I would and have done things that are nice, just to be nice, like giving compliments, buying gifts, and offering help with carrying something that's heavy, etc.

I just think that things like pulling out chairs, and pumping gas for her without her even asking are silly.

Edited June 7, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

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Normal to open car doors, pump gas, etc for your date or girlfriend in the UK?

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