Coffee20 Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 My first bf was ok for almost half a year, then he violently forced me to have sex with him. I stayed with him for almost next 2 and a half year when he just emotionally abused me, put me down. Then he had been threatening me via texts when I had left. It took me long time to heal then I let my second bf to enter my world. He wasn't that ok but I decided to give it time. His first humiliating words came out after 5 months of knowing him. I decided to ignore it and it continued and got worse and vulgar. I realized that it wasn't good for me to stay so I left after a few months. I sometimes catch myself that I miss him?? How is this possible, when it was so unhealthy?
d'Arthez Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 (edited) Part of it is because you have already made the emotional investment when they started showing their true colours; you want to believe that it was an "accident", rather than their true colours you have seen. The relationships eventually turned out to be unhealthy. But they were not a complete disaster - these guys must have treated you with some decency in the first 5 / 6 months. And you must wonder "why did they have to act like they did?", and that is a question that has no easy answer. Despite the huge red flags you saw, the relationships did give you a sense of comfort, belonging, or at least the idea that you were building something longterm. And it is probably the idea that you were building something longterm that is getting to you, even though you know the relationships were not healthy? The idea that he / she will improve, and that he / she can be "cured" of their shortcoming if "only" they realized how much we love them, is tempting, but ultimately false. They need to put in the effort to address their shortcomings, else you will be on the receiving end of more of the same (abuse). Edited June 6, 2012 by d'Arthez 2
CopingGal Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 My first bf was ok for almost half a year, then he violently forced me to have sex with him. I stayed with him for almost next 2 and a half year when he just emotionally abused me, put me down. Then he had been threatening me via texts when I had left. It took me long time to heal then I let my second bf to enter my world. He wasn't that ok but I decided to give it time. His first humiliating words came out after 5 months of knowing him. I decided to ignore it and it continued and got worse and vulgar. I realized that it wasn't good for me to stay so I left after a few months. I sometimes catch myself that I miss him?? How is this possible, when it was so unhealthy? I think you need some therapy to help with self-esteem and figure out your value. My ex treated me like I had little value to him. Once I realized that, I left him within two weeks.
Author Coffee20 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 I think you need some therapy to help with self-esteem and figure out your value. My ex treated me like I had little value to him. Once I realized that, I left him within two weeks. I did left too, but a little bit later, thought I could make things work out. I tried to look for some therapy but they are so far away from my city, the other possibility is to go for a month to the asylum but this I don't want to. Could you just figure out your value by yourself? I think my mind is clear now.
Tiera D Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Reason is simple because the answer is : Rose Tinted Glasses TD
d'Arthez Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I did left too, but a little bit later, thought I could make things work out. Which is a very common idea and pattern. I hope you realize that it is not your job to fix others. Others need to fix themselves. I tried to look for some therapy but they are so far away from my city, the other possibility is to go for a month to the asylum but this I don't want to. Could you just figure out your value by yourself? I think my mind is clear now. You can figure out things for yourself, but usually it would be a good idea to get a few sessions of therapy in, just to understand the dynamics involved and the way you anticipate and contribute to the dynamics. This may also help you in future relationships, since it will be easier for you to spot the red flags, and steer clear of such abusive people.
Author Coffee20 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Which is a very common idea and pattern. I hope you realize that it is not your job to fix others. Others need to fix themselves. . I know...god I am so broken, it would definitely be so bad idea to look for a different man or date.
d'Arthez Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Then don't date, and work on yourself. The time you spend working on yourself will be more productive, and you will be better armed to avoid getting into similar bad relationships again.
carhill Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I sometimes catch myself that I miss him?? You were emotionally attached and have emotional memories of the good times too, and I trust there were some, even with the abuse. How is this possible, when it was so unhealthy? IME, when the psyche is unable to disintegrate the abuse from the positive aspects of the relationship, the integrated conflict continues to play a 'tug of war' within one. I found therapy to help with this disintegration, which I often refer to in postings as 'clarity'. Sure, there were good times and even great times and those are to be cherished, even if the relationship turned out to be unhealthy and the partners incompatible. Good is a gift. The rest is life and there are lessons in it. Accept it and move on.
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