Breathless Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Hi All - I'm going on 11 months of NC with the xMM. My BH confronted me about the affair and I confessed to him right then and there. xMM was then forced to confess to his BW that same day. That was the last time xMM and I spoke - he told me that BW does not want to break up the family and I told him that my BH had moved out. NC started the day after DDay. After 4-5 months of separation, my BH moved back in and as of today, we are working on our "R" wholeheartedly! However, I have to admit - the sudden NC broke me. I know why NC is needed - there is no way for me and my BH and him and his BW to move on with our lives and heal if we were still in each others worlds. The sudden NC left so many questions unanswered and I know they are best left unanswered - but that doesn't stop the questions from haunting me. The day after DDay, I quit my job (we were coworkers who worked in the same dept on the same team) so that was the first step in NC. But since then I have found a position at a new company and now xMM and I have a very similar commute to and from work. I adjust my work hours to try and avoid seeing him on the road as much as possible, but still every couple of weeks we are stuck at the same light awkwardly avoiding eye contact with each other. The problem is, every time I see him and I watch him do everything in his power to avoid me, it hurts. For some reason, it shakes me to the core just seeing him again and the ache in my heart makes it hard for me to breathe. The unanswered questions float through my mind all over again - "Does he really hate me? Detest me? Am I that easy to walk away from and forget?" It takes me a few days to shake the depression off and refocus. I just do not understand why is it taking so long for INDIFFERENCE TO KICK IN with me. Its been 11 months of strict NC, I've been in IC since the first week of DDay, I have started a new career, took up a new hobby, exercise daily, spend all my free time with my BH and children. I feel like I have done everything textbook that a WW needs to do to heal, rebuild, and move on but one glimpse of xMM and I am sent spinning all over again. I'm hoping someone out there can shed some light to why I am still so affected by xMM, someone can give me advice to finally reach the level of indifference, someone can just tell me that I will be like this for a long time, or I will even take someone (other than my mental self) telling me that this is my punishment for all that I have done and I have to accept it. Anything would help at this point!
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 The problem is, every time I see him and I watch him do everything in his power to avoid me, it hurts. For some reason, it shakes me to the core just seeing him again and the ache in my heart makes it hard for me to breathe. The unanswered questions float through my mind all over again - "Does he really hate me? Detest me? Am I that easy to walk away from and forget?" It takes me a few days to shake the depression off and refocus. I just do not understand why is it taking so long for INDIFFERENCE TO KICK IN with me. You are letting yourself 'go there' by paying attention to what he does or doesn't do. You're actively 'looking out' for him, instead of just focussing on you and putting him out of your head completely. Don't EVER let yourself remember, fanatize, relive the past A with him. Push out thoughts of him if they enter your mind. I know easier said than done but if you can get out of the habit of this, it'll be easier. Tell yourself so what if I see or run into him! Then go onto something else.. 1
carhill Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 IMO, and I experienced this in differing ways over the decades, indifference evades you because of some unfinished business in the corners of your psyche. The stoplight interludes are just a canary of that unfinished business. How's your H doing?
MissBee Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Hi Breathless, Your feelings are pretty normal and most people feel this way during a breakup. The shift from being a part of someone's life or their "everything" in the height of romance, to nothing, is always hard. Esp. if it is against your will. I think most most people look for validation about whether or not they meant something etc. In the case of an A and repairing your marriages, it is impossible to be friends while simultaneously working on your marriages. Therefore, it makes sense why he would avoid you. He has to! Think about it: what would you have him do? He most likely doesn't detest you....but he has to move on and so do you. It took me 2 years to completely be indifferent....so when I hear 11 months, that's a drop in the bucket, and you haven't reached a point of abnormality as yet...trust me. Question: do you truly want to work on your relationship with your husband? Or are you simply doing it to not be alone or break up your family? This may also explain your feelings. Talk to your therapist about your feelings on not being able to move on and see what he/she says. I ask about your husband, because, one of your questions to exMM is about whether or not you were easy to forget and walk away from. Which seems to be something contradictory to working on your marriage. You may want to ask yourself this: if exMM comes back and declares his love and that you were not easy to walk away from? What would you do? Would you be thrilled and be glad to run back to him and divorce? Or would you have no use for this and turn him away because the man and relationship you want is your husband? I think you have to be truthful about that...I think your answers to that will help put your healing in perspective. The hardest part of a break up and what prolongs the pain from my experience, is the hope. the hope that it is not really the end, the hope that this person comes back, the hope for a second chance, the hope that it will all be undone and they'll say they made a mistake and you are in fact the love of their life....and while you hope for that, you can't move on, and any signs that this is not the case (i.e. them avoiding you...hurts). You seem to be in this position....but only you can say if this is accurate. 1
Emme Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling right now. I know the hurt but what's more heart breaking is that you are reliving this over and over again. Your NC truly isn't one. Every time you see him you are starting over again. It might not be conversation but it is a window into his life. That being said you have to cut yourself some slack because your situation is not the norm. When you think of the pain of him dismissing you from his life don't view it as a negative. You must think of it in terms of a positive. He is doing it out of love for his family. He might even be doing it out of love for you. He doesn't want to hurt you because he can't give you what you want. You should understand because your fighting to keep your family intact. The love you have for your family should be used to help the pain subside. It's hard yes but it can be done. You have been blessed to have a second chance with your family. Appreciate that for all it is and more. I don't think the pain will ever truly go away. I just think one day you'll realize its gone without even a thought. That's when you've become focused on what's important in your life again. It's ok to feel the pain. Don't dismiss it as though it meant nothing you. If you have to cry, cry. Then pull yourself together and focus on what's important in your life. Edited June 6, 2012 by Emme
FightClub Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Hey Breathless, I'm a single fOM and it's been 18 months since NC and 18 months since the end of the affair. Been on the other side of the coin, not married but in my case I would say somewhere around the 12th or 14th month I really detached emotionally/mentally distanced myself from everything that transpired. I'm curious, just as a hypothetical, what would you want to hear or say to xMM at this point? Do you still have feelings for him? Is there something you want to say or hear from him that will bring about a form of finality to NC once and for all? I remember holding onto exMW for a long time, sometimes in the hope we could have a final talk or some kind of acknowledgement of things in ending for good. The truth is, I believe big part of me wanted to have that conversation with myself and not exMW, as strange as that sounds. Working through the 'silence' of NC, I really began to work towards improving my world so that I could function in it much more efficiently than I was before the affair. Some things to consider, find the root of why you still acknowledge or have thoughts about xMM, because it is normal to keep someone in the back of our minds that we felt deeply about once a upon a time. Now is the time to find the why, the solution is within you. Goodluck. -FC
Author Breathless Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Thank you all for taking the time to respond! I appreciate all the kind words and all of you very much!!!! My BH is doing fairly well for what it's worth! He wants to heal and is doing all in his power to move on from this part of our lives. We went through the fires of h3ll when he first moved back in (as expected) but we were able to make it through so far with much better of an understanding of who we are. It so strange...things made a turn for the better for both of us when we (independently) realized that we will survive with or without each other. When the desperation to hold on to the marriage evaporated, it gave room for the feeling of wanting to be married to each other to fill our minds and hearts. I realized I wanted to be with my BH because I loved him, not because he was my H or the father of my children, but because I loved HIM. I never said a word to him about my epiphany but a couple of months ago - he told me that exact same thing - he was in love with me, in love with all my quirks, faults, mistakes, everything. Last month was our 9 year wedding anniversary and he gave me a new ring...he said "this is for our new beginnings...we are where we are supposed to be...together". In regard to my IC....She felt that I was holding on to the guilt of the A and holding on to the pain of xMM walking away because I was punishing myself. She thinks that I do not find myself worthy of forgiveness and that feeling of being unworthy, transfers over to thinking that I am not worthy of the love my BH is showing me, to thinking that maybe that is why xMM walked away without some much as a goodbye - I was not worth a goodbye. She suggested that I reach out to a friend and talk it through and if they show that they can forgive me - I will slowly be able to accept the forgiveness from my BH, my family, my friends and slowly forgive myself. But I don't have the courage just yet to speak to anyone just yet. I did muster up the courage to post on here and I am glad that I did. 2
MissBee Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Thank you all for taking the time to respond! I appreciate all the kind words and all of you very much!!!! My BH is doing fairly well for what it's worth! He wants to heal and is doing all in his power to move on from this part of our lives. We went through the fires of h3ll when he first moved back in (as expected) but we were able to make it through so far with much better of an understanding of who we are. It so strange...things made a turn for the better for both of us when we (independently) realized that we will survive with or without each other. When the desperation to hold on to the marriage evaporated, it gave room for the feeling of wanting to be married to each other to fill our minds and hearts. I realized I wanted to be with my BH because I loved him, not because he was my H or the father of my children, but because I loved HIM. I never said a word to him about my epiphany but a couple of months ago - he told me that exact same thing - he was in love with me, in love with all my quirks, faults, mistakes, everything. Last month was our 9 year wedding anniversary and he gave me a new ring...he said "this is for our new beginnings...we are where we are supposed to be...together". In regard to my IC....She felt that I was holding on to the guilt of the A and holding on to the pain of xMM walking away because I was punishing myself. She thinks that I do not find myself worthy of forgiveness and that feeling of being unworthy, transfers over to thinking that I am not worthy of the love my BH is showing me, to thinking that maybe that is why xMM walked away without some much as a goodbye - I was not worth a goodbye. She suggested that I reach out to a friend and talk it through and if they show that they can forgive me - I will slowly be able to accept the forgiveness from my BH, my family, my friends and slowly forgive myself. But I don't have the courage just yet to speak to anyone just yet. I did muster up the courage to post on here and I am glad that I did. What your therapist says make sense. I'm glad you and your husband are doing well and I do hope that you forgive yourself soon and believe you deserve your husband's forgiveness so that you can let go of worrying about exMM.
RickFox Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 There is no time limit when indifference sets in, no one can tell you when it will happen for you. Your story seems to be almost a mirror image of mine, however, on the opposite sex side. I too once wondered the same things (and at times I still do). She and I have been no contact now for 8 months or so, the only problem is I will still run into her at our kids school and she would turn her head away from me, very controlled attempt to not look my way. I used to wonder how she could go from saying she cared so much, did she truly hate me now, did she ever love me and all the things you find yourself going through. In the end, there is nothing you can do to get the answers you want and even if you get them or got them, you'd doubt they were the truth. Someone on here once said, she's acting the way a woman should who wants to fix her marriage and I find that funny because the moment I went back to the front of the school to pick my daughter up I had two messages on my fb account from her, which since we aren't fb friends, she still had access somehow to a link, she's been blocked since then. But it still brought back the feelings, the confusion, the anger, just like it does when you catch a glimpse of your xMM. Use whatever means you have to in order to make it thru the day. Get angry, tell yourself he didn't care, because he didn't, not enough to stay out of the affair (yeah you had your part too) or not enough to choose to be with you completely. You are going to go thru a roller coaster of emotions, great one day and then a date, a place, a sound a smell can set you back a day or two or three. There isn't a day that goes by that my xMW doesn't cross my mind, but now, I give myself a couple of seconds to acknowledge it and then I push it on out....it does you no good. So you wanted someone to tell you when indifference will set in, fact is, nobody can tell you when it will happen for you and even when you think you've reached it, you'll probably find you haven't....not yet...so Im of the opinion it will take quite a while, just keep doing what you've been doing. Hell, I even have conversations with xMW now in my head, saying what I want to say, getting the feelings out and as of late, they are less and less....but I find myself saying what I needed to say and it, along with therapy, helps 'get it out' so to speak. Keep on truckin' as they say, you're doing fine. 2
pureinheart Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 (((( Breathless,)))) Indifference has already kicked in, it's just about taking it the rest of the way which will take time. Everything originates in the mind, then actions follow after...soooo change your mind. Analyse the thoughts and their process that drive you "to" him, meaning any thoughts that favor the relationship or think about the relationship. Look at any relationship that gave this same feeling, like your lost without him, whatever....eventually you became indifferent and probably don't give thought to many of them anymore, right? It will happen. Call those things that are not as though they are. Speak those thinks over your mind...take your power back. 1
jwi71 Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Why can't you have this conversation with your H? Or are you hiding feelings from him (again)? My point is, try leaning on him to make the M stronger. My .02
Author Breathless Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Why can't you have this conversation with your H? Or are you hiding feelings from him (again)? My point is, try leaning on him to make the M stronger. JWI71 - In a perfect world, you are right, discussing my mental spin outs about the xMM with my BH would seem like the right path to healing and strengthen the bridge between us. However, my BH has asked to not discuss my "feelings" with him. He himself is trying to heal from my betrayal and hearing me discuss my struggles feels like I am pushing the "knife" further into his heart. BH knows that I cared for xMM - he accepted that fact - but he knows how I care for him also. BH onced asked me if I have ever heard from xMM since DDay and when I told him no. BH looked at me for a second with sadness and pity and said "Wow. No closure? No goodbye?" My BH is a very strong and proud man and I can only ask so much from him. His forgiveness is the greatest gift and compromise that he has ever given me. His request for me NOT to discuss my struggles is something that I totally understand and respect. I do not think that this will lessen the bond that we are trying to rebuild. Its a compromise - and a very small one at that!
Furious Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Hi All - I'm going on 11 months of NC with the xMM. My BH confronted me about the affair and I confessed to him right then and there. xMM was then forced to confess to his BW that same day. That was the last time xMM and I spoke - he told me that BW does not want to break up the family and I told him that my BH had moved out. NC started the day after DDay. After 4-5 months of separation, my BH moved back in and as of today, we are working on our "R" wholeheartedly! However, I have to admit - the sudden NC broke me. I know why NC is needed - there is no way for me and my BH and him and his BW to move on with our lives and heal if we were still in each others worlds. The sudden NC left so many questions unanswered and I know they are best left unanswered - but that doesn't stop the questions from haunting me. Anything would help at this point! You answered your own question. Your husband left but the MM did not leave his wife and gave you the excuse that his BS wanted to save their marriage. You know what he said really meant HE did not want to leave his wife for you. That's why the NC was so easy for him and why it was not for you. 1
Author Breathless Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 RF - I'm very familiar with your story and always felt that we were living parallel lives! I'm actually glad that you responded to my first thread! Like you, I go through the daily moments of wonder. But its more like a fleeting thoughts about xMM. It's the sightings and watching him do everything in his power to avoid me that stings. But I must admit, I am in a happier healthier place now than ever before so I can live with the little stings for now I guess. Furious - straight and to the point eh? But honestly, leaving our spouses for each other was never an option. We were fools who entered the A but not foolish to think it was a forever type of deal. We were realistic about that at least! I think my issues are more egotistical - why not me - even though I would not have chosen him - why NOT me? But on the flip side - I would think he would wonder the same thing. Why NOT him - even though he would not have chosen me - why NOT him? My self confidence took a nose dive once I entered the affair - so I think this is part of the healing process, questioning ones self worth. For any relationship to end suddenly, both parties are left with questions. In time, indifference will kick in and those questions will fade away with the memories.
Furious Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 RF - Furious - straight and to the point eh? But honestly, leaving our spouses for each other was never an option. We were fools who entered the A but not foolish to think it was a forever type of deal. We were realistic about that at least! I think my issues are more egotistical - why not me - even though I would not have chosen him - why NOT me? But on the flip side - I would think he would wonder the same thing. Why NOT him - even though he would not have chosen me - why NOT him? My self confidence took a nose dive once I entered the affair - so I think this is part of the healing process, questioning ones self worth. For any relationship to end suddenly, both parties are left with questions. In time, indifference will kick in and those questions will fade away with the memories. If not forever, then when, was there a timeline for it to end. I doubt that any relationship ends without questioning and a lengthy healing process. Unfortunately, it is not just you and the OM who must begin to heal but also the betrayed spouses. I hope that all four of you reach a that goal and are at peace with the past.
RickFox Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 RF - I'm very familiar with your story and always felt that we were living parallel lives! I'm actually glad that you responded to my first thread! Like you, I go through the daily moments of wonder. But its more like a fleeting thoughts about xMM. It's the sightings and watching him do everything in his power to avoid me that stings. But I must admit, I am in a happier healthier place now than ever before so I can live with the little stings for now I guess. Furious - straight and to the point eh? But honestly, leaving our spouses for each other was never an option. We were fools who entered the A but not foolish to think it was a forever type of deal. We were realistic about that at least! I think my issues are more egotistical - why not me - even though I would not have chosen him - why NOT me? But on the flip side - I would think he would wonder the same thing. Why NOT him - even though he would not have chosen me - why NOT him? My self confidence took a nose dive once I entered the affair - so I think this is part of the healing process, questioning ones self worth. For any relationship to end suddenly, both parties are left with questions. In time, indifference will kick in and those questions will fade away with the memories. I don't know, I don't think my xMW has any questions concerning me, she made her decision from early on and stuck around for the fun, when it was over, it was over for her....unfortunately, it wasn't for me. I do think Im finally reaching that point of indifference but time will tell.
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