mattr89 Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Im really at a confusing point and dont know what to do... After a 3 year long relationship my ex broke it off with me a few months ago. She says she couldnt trust me but still was in love with me deeply. Since then she has a new boyfriend that she claims she is very happy with. Despite this she has been reaching out to me to be friends cause she "doesnt want to lose me from her life" Naturally I want to tell her F*** off cause she replaced me right away and how could she be in love with me but be serious with someone else. So it leaves me in a bad position, im not one to shut people out of my life, after all, i shared a great 3 years with her. We were the best of friends throughout the relationship. I just dont want to lose a good friend but then again I hate the fact that she is with someone else. Opinions anyone??
Philosoraptor Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Man it's like you're asking to be placed in the friendzone and relieve her guilt. Are you comfortable just being her friend while she's banging some other guy? If not then do what's best for you and get out of her life. She dug the hole and she will just have to deal with it.
Exit Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 The only ex I have ever comfortably settled into being friends with was yeaaars down the road from our relationship, and it wasn't even that serious, it was a stupid young relationship when I was still in high school, but even that was enough to leave some hard feelings and wounds when she chose to end it. Now we can talk fairly often, I could care less who she's banging, I could care less that she was engaged to some fool for a while and then she broke off the engagement lol, I don't care that her most recent relationship just ended because she got dumped. You cannot be friends with someone until you are 100% healed and feel 100% healed on a consistent basis. It's pretty selfish for her to say she doesn't want to lose you completely from her life, that's her problem, not yours. Maybe someday you can be friends, but don't lie to yourself and say that you can handle it right now, nothing good will come of trying to be pals while she's already banging someone else. Show her that she lost something when she dumped you, don't just settle into a friendship with her. Then go live an awesome life and meet someone better and years down the line when one of you decides to make contact you can agree to be her buddy. 1
Author mattr89 Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 yeah you guys are absolutely right, its what i was thinking but it helps hearing from someone else. Im not 100% healed or okay with everything yet so it would be a terrible idea. I simply replied to her that i cant be friends with her and she should be happy on her own without me. But the ****ty part is, ive told her this before and she still ends up contacting me days later trying to have a casual conversation as if i didnt just say we cant be friends. Ive made it as clear as possible yet she doesnt understand the choices she has made
geegirl Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 But the ****ty part is, ive told her this before and she still ends up contacting me days later trying to have a casual conversation as if i didnt just say we cant be friends. People will bust your boundaries to get what they want, whether it hurts you or not. That in itself should tell you a lot about her. I broke up with a guy once but I still wanted to be friends but he could not take it. I let him go, even when it hurt to lose him as a friend. That is the kind thing to do because you always have to put the needs of the one that is emotionally affected first. If you are true to yourself in that you want to heal and that you want to move on, whether she contacts you or not should not derail your decision to stay NC. Her needs do not define your wants. You can't control her but you can control your decision to respond or not, based on the boundaries you set for yourself.
Author mattr89 Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 "her needs do not define your wants" that in itself just made me realize so much. Cause that is exactly the case. You couldnt have explained it any better geegirl. thank you! I need to be true to myself and my boundaries. I have been going back and forth on emotion allowing her to contact me and me respond. I think whats hardest is the fact that i made some mistakes that led her not to trust me, and she flat out said, if i could trust you, we would still be together. But i guess there is no use in beating myself up over past mistakes i cant change
geegirl Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I think whats hardest is the fact that i made some mistakes that led her not to trust me, and she flat out said, if i could trust you, we would still be together. But i guess there is no use in beating myself up over past mistakes i cant change There is no use beating yourself up but the good that can come out of of this is that you learn for your future relationships. This is not the one and all. This is just a sliver of the enormity of your life so take those lessons and learn and apply. She probably said that to alleviate her guilt and nothing more. If you truly want to be friends with her and if her intent is mutual, then you can always open that door once you have healed and moved on. You will be better friends then rather than now.
Author mattr89 Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Yeah i agree and thats what has helped me along this. Knowing that i learned a great deal from those 3 years. I think your right, our friendship would not be good at this time. I explained this to her that for my own sake i need a clean break. She has the luxuary of having a bf to help her get over this and be friends so she might be ready but im not. I still have too many feelings. The funny part is i asked is if she would still have feelings for me if we remained friends and she said yes ofcourse.... so why would she want to have those feelings and not want me back at the same time
geegirl Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 The funny part is i asked is if she would still have feelings for me if we remained friends and she said yes ofcourse.... so why would she want to have those feelings and not want me back at the same time You shouldn't be reading into her words. It sounds like she doesn't even know what she wants. She has a boyfriend but still has feelings for you and wants you in her life. Rather than feed her needs, step away. Allow her to feel the loss, while you heal and if she values you, she'll be back with a different tune, and if not, you will have that friendship with her in due time. Either way, you win. 2
Author mattr89 Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 yeah i really shouldnt, i tend to play back our conversations in hopes of reaching some sort of conclusion. But thats a great way at looking at it! i appreciate you taking the time to help
RogerWallace111 Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 man, i'm in a pretty similar situation... was w/ my ex for about 3 years, she broke it off with me saying it would just hurt more if we prolonged things. I suspect it's also an issue of her wanting to be single and/or her thinking I need to be for a while, as she's my first serious girlfriend and if things are gonna go truly long term, I should try some other things for a while. but yeah, when ending it she said she needed me in her life, loves me still, i'm her best friend, etc, and that "maybe someday" it could be again. even that she still wanted to take the camping trip we'd planned on taking, have outings, etc. for several days the idea of that was actually comforting to me, not only cause she is one of my closest friends, but probably because i thought it would keep her out of a new relationship and give me chances to get her back. after about a week it became torture & kept me awake. she'd call me every night. i managed to sound positive 75% of the time. she generally sounded ****ed up over it. anyway, i finally woke up one morning knowing I had to cut off contact w/ her, and just that thought relieved a lot of my anxiety over things. the next evening, she called, I gave her a few final pleas about how good things could be, asked her if she really would be able to stand hanging out w/ me and not touching/being romantic... she said it would be hard but eventually we could get used to it. i told her the only way we could have a truly platonic friendship was if i didn't talk to her for a period of weeks to months. she cried a lot, we said goodbye. it's been a week, and it was definitely the right decision. though i don't get to keep tabs on her, haa, I'm definitely feeling more at ease. either way i'm gonna be alone each night, so may as well get used to it asap. she, being an attractive female, and historically a serial monogamist, is very likely to start seeing someone else before long. possibly already, who knows ? i know for a fact she loves me in a uniquely deep way, and will likely be thinking of me a lot throughout any new thing she's in. it gives me some reluctant satisfaction. hell, I told her in that week of "friendship" i was gonna come back and marry her someday down the line and she said "ok"... sorry for rambling on your thread, man. to sum it up: going no contact is how it needs to be if I'm not gonna be hanging on. otherwise, when she started seeing someone, like yours, I would be ****ed up about it and probably have to start no contact then. this way i can be neutral and indifferent. the only question is when I will care little enough to contact her... i'm guessing either a few months, or until I have another lady. good luck ! and i'd say don't talk to her as it will just keep you hanging on in some way or another
Author mattr89 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 hey thanks for the insight man, i appreciate anything that people have to offer to shed some light on my situation. From what you wrote it sounds like she is alot like my ex and needs to figure herself out first or atleast see whats out there before they know whats truelly best for them. If your ex is anything like mine she will be contacting you before you contact her. Trust me, i went through this, stick to your guns. You can have a platonic friendship later on or even more but for now try not to solve the big picture. My ex is an odd one, from what im told she has been going to ALL the same places that we used to go on dates and outings, even this random first date we had she took him. I can tell she is just trying to replace me with him by doing the same things we did. Its actually really funny. as hard as it may seem and as much as you may want her back soon, let things work out on there own. You cant force someone to want you or have those feelings for you again. If its ment to be, she will come around. if not, then you have an open opportunity to do whatever you want and meet whoever
RogerWallace111 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I will definitely be stickin to it... I really dig/appreciate the advice to "not try and solve the big picture". If there are any thoughts I'm hung up on still, they're those concerning the future and big picture. Which is interesting as I've always thought of myself as the easy come - easy go type in some way or another, and as an optimist/true appreciator of the future's unknown potential. I imagine she'll be contacting me before I do her, yes. Not because I want her to but simply because it's gonna be a long while before I do and she'll no doubt be curious. But in her case, she'll probably avoid all the places we've gone as they'll just remind her of me. And I don't mean that in any conceited way, I just know how she is. She'll attempt to wipe me from her mind because thinking of me will **** with her. It was always very clear that I was the main source of fun/excitement in her life (as most of her friends are kind of square types w/ gamer boyfriends and boring taste). In all honesty, though I sound like a douche for saying it, I kind of changed her into a more enriched, creative person with more interesting taste, etc. Though I don't listen to much hip hop these days, I find myself thinking of Ghostface's "Wildflower", where he says things like "Taught you how to eat the right foods, fast, and don't eat lard I gave you earth lessons, I came to you as a blessin" (The lard part doesn't necessarily apply haaa) Anyway, I think she was mostly honest in saying that we had to end it cause it would hurt more later (not that she won't try to replace me). Truthfully, even though I've yet to go 5 waking minutes without thinking of her, I know it would be wrong to take her back if she were to call me right now. Cause it'd happen again. In fact, if there is a possibility of something longterm w/ her years down the road, she did the right thing and preserved that potential, because it wasn't gonna go all the way at this point. That is odd of yours to take this guy to all the same spots... Definitely sounds like she's trying to lie to herself in some strange way, or even just bother you somehow. Sound like we're both doing relatively well though. As I can't help but relate my thoughts to song lyrics (beautiful, cheesy and everywhere in between), I'll throw out a brief line from Dr. Dog's tune "Ain't It Strange" that I think of often ~~~> "Time takes care of me"
Author mattr89 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Its great advice i received from a friend. Cause as much as we like to think we have things figured out or this and that, life is constantly changing which is a great thing is you really think about it. I was always drawn to the quote "its not about the destination...but the road you take on your way to where ever your going" I dont think anything your saying is conceited its just true, I can relate to exactly what your saying. We both opened them up to new things but you know what.... they did the same for us whether we see it or not. Absolutely, Naturally we think that if you got back togehter with your ex everything would be amazing but thats just the minds way of trying to ease the pain. Reality is unless both of you have made a conscious decision to do things differently then it will remain the same. I agree with you when you talk long term. I personally beleive i need to better myself before i can jump back into a relationship. And thats not just a month or two months, im talkin a year or more. Cause its actually a win win situation... we grow as human beings and if its meant to be you will have a better relationship... if not, then you are still a better person. yeah im not too sure why it is she is tortuering herself by doing that. but thats her deal not mine.
RogerWallace111 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Yes it's definitely about the journey and enjoying the present. Sweating the future just keeps you from living in the moment, of course. And yes, she definitely did a TON for me. Though more in a... spiritual ? or just mental way. Made me like a superhuman version of my former self & brought out numerous dormant, mostly good properties of my personality. I'm grateful for it and it's awesome I get to take that with me. As she'd already had another long, serious relationship that lasted a year longer than ours (though with a square-ish, notoriously depressed, soft spoken character), she'd known love, and I think many of the ways i enriched her life were a little more unique, tangible and harder to "take with" her. And yes it's definitely a win-win. I've been looking at it that way for a while now. Not being in touch with her really let's your logic start to overcome your fears and emotions. It's nice. Great time to fulfill your aspirations...
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