RiverRunning Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I hear ya, OP. Being 40ish pounds overweight, men almost never look at me. I'm more or less invisible. I've grown accustomed to either being ignored or, worse yet, men making obvious comments about what they DON'T like about my appearance. Nowadays, the latter is more in my head than actual (it's been a long time since I've overheard someone saying something about my weight). But when you go from being very overweight to, well, a little more understandably so, you don't ever get over the way people stare at you or make comments. I'll probably deal with that for the rest of my life, no matter how overweight or how thin I am. I've gotten to the point where I've started to seriously consider therapy. I'm very down about the way I look. I feel like it's impossible to actually like anything about my appearance or to feel like a worthwhile human being. It doesn't matter what else I do - no matter how well I do with work, how active I am and how well I do with charity (sponsoring a kid, volunteering time, etc.), how intelligent or productive I feel I am, how positive my family relationships are, etc. It's gotten to the point where I feel like my main purpose in life is to attract attention from men to feel like I'm 'worthy.' And then there's the kicker - I'm not sure how many other folks do the same thing. I may notice a man looking at me, even outright gawking at me. Occasionally, a man may come up and start a conversation. In that moment, I am ELATED - SURELY this means he's interested. But then I find myself making excuses and thinking, "He was just looking at someone standing behind you/he was just being polite/etc." Anything other than, "Maybe he thought you were physically attractive." And then the destructive loop starts all over again: desperately hoping someone will compliment the way I look, someone will be interested in me, etc. Thankfully, I do have enough other stuff going on in my life to keep it in check, but I would be quite the liar if I were to say that I haven't seriously considered offing myself many times over my appearance over the years. Oftentimes in this society, it seems like that's all you have if you're a woman.
threebyfate Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 While it's nice to receive genuine compliments here and there, quite often, compliments are either disingenuous or have strings attached. They're a form of social lube, with all the connotations attached.
zengirl Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 External validation isn't the problem. Every human being on Earth enjoys external validation and requires it to work at optimum. As a teacher, I can say this is something we know about children and teens, and I don't see why we pretend it just goes away when you get older. It doesn't. You just learn, through maturity, to cope with it and build an internal self that is resilient against negative external validation, can keep you going through rough times, etc, etc. The problem comes when 2 things happen: (1) You have literally NO method of functioning without external validation and validating yourself when you need to and (2) Relying on the WRONG forms of external validation that leads to engaging in destructive behaviors. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Not entirely on topic...but I see it as a slice of the pie I think people listen far too much to what the standard ideals among society are and the highest expectations, taking them to heart and letting them affect them psychologically and how they feel about themselves overall. It seems to be there are two standard mentalities, those that find the reasons that something is not good enough or why something can't be done and those who see the possibilities and at least have a balanced view. I don't think that It's really been broken down on why you need self-work and what that exactly means or how to achieve it. I think some people hear when that's said "just be alone, tell yourself how great you are, build up your "confidence", go to the gym and just sit in a corner all day until you come out "stronger". That's not really the method or purpose. Being "strong" is not feeling superior or invincible necessarily and deflecting the things you don't want to face, in fact it's about facing the emotions and thoughts you avoid everyday that make you feel "weak" and vulnerable...the things you avoid in order to feel strong is not achieving anything...denial, trying to forget, overlook, avoid, lying to yourself about the truth is not the key to security. It's about not having to worry about the things that make you weak, It's about facing those things and feeling through those emotions and accepting the reality so you don't have to constantly resist that force...far too often people let things weigh them down and it affects their whole being...being strong is facing those issues and accepting them and the reality, yet knowing it doesn't define who they are as a person and therefore exuding that. It's not about making yourself perfect...It's about doing the things that make YOU feel more confident and at peace with yourself, It's about doing things that change the way you feel about yourself...but it's not just about the perfect bod, the prettiest/handsome face, expensive or nice car, owning a house so that you appear "put together and ready to settle down", or owning a business to feel ambitious...these things should be things that you do solely for yourself not for others...I believe a great part of these things are done (not all and entirely) with the consideration of how people externally are going to rate, judge and respect them. Therefore you end up NEEDING outside praise or recognition to validate your self-worth, instead of just taking it as a casual compliment because you know the true merits are not for recognition but knowing you are doing these things for your own rating scale, not others, because you want to be satisfied with a standard of yourself to make you happy...doing things to appease or satisfy others only runs so deep, It's a thin layer that doesn't change you internally, in fact you know and likely fear that without that people would not feel the same way about your or judge you in the same context. What if you lost your beauty and you were beautiful? What IF you became poor after being rich? What if you had to walk everywhere when you were used to driving around in style? What if you get a disease that makes you gain weight, lose too much weight and you don't have the body that makes you so confident in that dress or tight clothing? What if your education/accolades or achievements were no longer respected, or prestigious? If these are the things you rely on to feel like you mean something to the world, the ways to feel validated and respected and not shunned then your confidence is entirely dependent on external validation....It's like swinging from a rope on an edge of a cliff knowing that all that's holding you, what happens when that robe breaks? And this is why human beings are extremely vulnerable and easily manipulated...because their confidence and validation is based so much on external validation from their peers. You take that away from them...you take the brick that holds it all together and the entire wall comes crumbling down...why? because people learn to depend on and live through life relying on that superficial appearance/status. You're a rockstar one day, praised and loved, and the next day you're a has been, reminiscing about the past because nobody cares anymore. This is all pretty ranty, but my bottom line is...If you want to truly be strong and confident, then develop real concrete reasons and deeper internal qualities that weather the superficial storms and start letting how you feel about yourself mean more to you than a random stranger or even someone you may know at the end of the day it's one man/womans opinion, who gives a ****!, there's a million, billions of people in this world. If you want to deny insecurity you've got to learn to respect yourself and value yourself, and be able to recognize the qualities you have that make you an individual and something positive and unique, you have to develop an attitude and perspective of yourself that is not determined by what others think...because honestly people are full of **** and just as weak and vulnerable as the next person, there's really no reason you should let anyone else determine what you are worth because when you turn the tables on them they're vulnerable themselves...In fact people follow others who appear confident and in control, because they know they are not, and when they match that with the superficial qualities then people see them as gods. All those feelings, and thoughts you avoid everyday have to be confronted, you've got to face the demons in your closet and when you stop making these things the boogey man then you start to develop a different perspective of yourself and of life...slowly not being skinny is just a fact and something you're not hyperventilating over because you'll be alone forever and reminding yourself constantly to bring yourself down, it doesn't make you feel ugly or unattractive person, not having the most beautiful face becomes a reality that you accept and you realize that there are other qualities and virtues that people gravitate to you over and then suddenly you become attractive to them in their eyes, but you don't care what they think because your entire being doesn't rely on their opinion alone...running away from everything or letting what others think of you have such a profound affect on you just makes you very vulnerable and easy influenced/manipulated, it only brings you down further...you let other people validate how you feel about yourself when they say negative things because you are opening that up to the world...so much is said without words. Others put down others to feel better about themselves, their insecurity is your problem and they fear that. And before you know it, you'll end up with people in or situations you know you shouldn't be with or apart of, but you're too weak and lack the strength, self-respect and dignity to walk away...because you don't believe in yourself and just because they said they loved you and thought you were beautiful and you don't see how anyone else could that way...so you feel lucky, fortunate and don't to lose it. Even though their actions prove they were just words....words that you fell for because you needed that recognition and acknowledge from someone...anyone. But once again you're in denial, in denial to face the truth so you therefore remain insecure. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I think this will be my new sig Oh, ThaWholigan - will you internally validate me? (Sorry, that was very crude. ) 1
Pierre Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I am afraid I have this problem. I am very insecure. For example: a guy that I knew 10 years ago and was my friend's ex (we flirted at the time but I never took it any further because of my friend). Anyway, he found me on FB because he saw me on a friend's friend list. He decided to message me and tell me that he has been thinking about me on and off for years and that he wonders if I ever got married. Now, that message made me happy. I have no interest in him. I would never date him. I feel that my need for external validation is like a bottomless well. The more, the merrier. It doesn't matter who it comes from Everybody likes some external validation, but like everything in life there has to be some balance. There are people that need excessive validation because they have very low self esteem and they cannot be happy without the external input. In other words they have zero intrinsic happiness. The other drawback of needing excessive validation is the propensity to have relationships with manipulators and controlling people. There is also the tendency to shoot low to try to feel like a trophy. From reading your posts I always knew you needed external validation. Any man that is armed with this knowledge can probably manipulate you quite a bit. 2
ThaWholigan Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Oh, ThaWholigan - will you internally validate me? (Sorry, that was very crude. ) Now THAT should be my new sig You're a bad girl 1
Negative Nancy Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 The other drawback of needing excessive validation is the propensity to have relationships with manipulators and controlling people. There is also the tendency to shoot low to try to feel like a trophy. they are also more prone to cheating.
RedRobin Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 One of my favorite sayings is to treat praise and criticism with equal doses of skepticism. Another is... "It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." Most of the time, praise or criticism has nothing much to do with you. It is more a projection of other people's needs and perceptions that may or may not be based in 'reality'. It is important to remember that. Being praised says not much about who one is as a human being. I can think of any number of 'great' people who forged ahead despite not being popular and praised. I can also think of many very bad people who forged ahead because they were popular and got validation. The real danger in being overly focused on external validation is that it makes one lose focus. Waste time. Make poor decisions. Decide what your core values are, and whom you trust. It is alot easier to then figure out what is a sincere compliment and what is just fluff. 1
2sure Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Very recently it was my birthday. I am over 40 , divorced, and not enjoying dating . That in itself did not have me waking up that morning singing exactly. But it got much worse. I had a huge argument with my teen daughter - one is which her sense if ingratitude and entitlement were actually breath taking. My only offspring. She left & went to her fathers. It got worse. As a thinly veiled excuse to have people over , I invited friends to celebrate the promotion of of a good friend. I hired people and everything. I had to - because my house was a mess, Ive been crazy busy. The help cancelled. I had to clean like a crazy woman, and run to the store, all the while wondering why my daughter was hateful to me. On my birthday. At the store...a pretty good looking guy approaches me, "Excuse me? I just wanted to tell you that you are absolutely beautiful." And walked away. I know, I should have ran after him. But I just assumed he saw me crying in my car and felt bad for me. Either way, I'll take it. 1
RedRobin Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I think this will be my new sig The thought is valid. I'd caution against putting poseurs on a pedestal though.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 (edited) Enjoying it is one thing, needing it and relying on it to feel good about yourself is another. Edited June 7, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility & respect 1
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Everybody likes some external validation, but like everything in life there has to be some balance. There are people that need excessive validation because they have very low self esteem and they cannot be happy without the external input. In other words they have zero intrinsic happiness. The other drawback of needing excessive validation is the propensity to have relationships with manipulators and controlling people. There is also the tendency to shoot low to try to feel like a trophy. From reading your posts I always knew you needed external validation. Any man that is armed with this knowledge can probably manipulate you quite a bit. This is very insightful. ES, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a perceived compliment. But if you take it farther than that, it can be quite destructive.
Snowflower Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Very recently it was my birthday. I am over 40 , divorced, and not enjoying dating . That in itself did not have me waking up that morning singing exactly. But it got much worse. I had a huge argument with my teen daughter - one is which her sense if ingratitude and entitlement were actually breath taking. My only offspring. She left & went to her fathers. It got worse. As a thinly veiled excuse to have people over , I invited friends to celebrate the promotion of of a good friend. I hired people and everything. I had to - because my house was a mess, Ive been crazy busy. The help cancelled. I had to clean like a crazy woman, and run to the store, all the while wondering why my daughter was hateful to me. On my birthday. At the store...a pretty good looking guy approaches me, "Excuse me? I just wanted to tell you that you are absolutely beautiful." And walked away. I know, I should have ran after him. But I just assumed he saw me crying in my car and felt bad for me. Either way, I'll take it. Are you me or am I you? I am also over 40, had a very recent birthday and an over-the-top, entitled teenager daughter who thinks the world revolves around her. I think I had the same experience! Now if only I had a good looking guy approach me and say that! You should have run after him...wow! On the thread topic...we all like external validation from time to time. In fact, I think we need it. And there is nothing wrong with that. Happiness does come from within but compliments are also necessary to the soul. When external validation does become a problem is when people are so insecure and unhappy within themselves that they become bottomless pits of need. It's almost like they need more than any one person can give them. Unfortunately, I have some people in my life who are like that. 1
gaius Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 And then the destructive loop starts all over again: desperately hoping someone will compliment the way I look, someone will be interested in me, etc. Thankfully, I do have enough other stuff going on in my life to keep it in check, but I would be quite the liar if I were to say that I haven't seriously considered offing myself many times over my appearance over the years. Oftentimes in this society, it seems like that's all you have if you're a woman. Should put that half your face avatar you had for a while back up, you would get more compliments.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Now THAT should be my new sig You're a bad girl Quote: Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers People get corrupted because they are corruptible. But a person with a good heart is strong and can resist the temptation to be weak. I always knew I would be famous someday. lmao The thought is valid. I'd caution against putting poseurs on a pedestal though. OK, what did I do to pee in your Cheerios? All these little snipes at me all over the forum. I know nothing about you, except that you love to take jabs at me. Sounds like you're jealous of how well-liked I am here. You might be liked more, too, if you'd stop being so negative and critical.
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