Eternal Sunshine Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I am afraid I have this problem. I am very insecure. For example: a guy that I knew 10 years ago and was my friend's ex (we flirted at the time but I never took it any further because of my friend). Anyway, he found me on FB because he saw me on a friend's friend list. He decided to message me and tell me that he has been thinking about me on and off for years and that he wonders if I ever got married. Now, that message made me happy. I have no interest in him. I would never date him. I feel that my need for external validation is like a bottomless well. The more, the merrier. It doesn't matter who it comes from 1
carhill Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I would think it pretty normal to feel good about another human thinking of you and expressing those thoughts. However, if those 'hits' of feeling good are at the forefront of one's thoughts, that could potentially be troublesome. Myself, I see them as little 'gifts' of living. Life goes on. 2
Els Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Eh, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. It's only human to enjoy it. It would become a problem if you were fishing for external validation to the point where you hurt yourself or others in the process, but feeling perky about a one-off bit can't hurt.
d'Arthez Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 We all yearn for at least a bit of external validation (if everyone would be indifferent to you, what kind of life do you have?). I think for you the problem is not so much the compliment as who gave you the compliment. I venture to guess that this guy did not treat your friend that well.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I would think it pretty normal to feel good about another human thinking of you and expressing those thoughts. However, if those 'hits' of feeling good are at the forefront of one's thoughts, that could potentially be troublesome. Myself, I see them as little 'gifts' of living. Life goes on. I agree with this. It's a hungry NEED for external validation in order to feel good or even okay about yourself that will hurt you and your ability to relate in a healthy way with a potential partner.
carhill Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 As it is outside of my life experience, save for one particular situational period, perhaps it might be helpful for the OP to describe this 'need'. For myself, during that period, the best analogy I can provide is that of a drowning man gasping for breath and seeing a life preserver feet away and struggling valiantly to reach it. In my case, that life preserver was someone I had loved in the past; someone who had validated that love. How does it go for you, OP? How does the 'need' feel?
betterdeal Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I agree with you, carhill. There are a nice to have, and affection, attention, being liked all cheer us up and are normal parts of the human experience. I think that a lot of material suggests we ought not to seek external validation, but omits to say "at any price". It's that internal moral compass, our character in other words, that says "thank you, that's very kind of you to say" while not throwing everything to the wind every time we receive external validation of any sort, that we need to develop as we mature. Sometimes throwing caution to the wind is advantageous; sometimes it is not. We have to take risks either way, and it's part of our life journey to figure out when to do so.
Casablanca Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Everyone likes this! Heck I even got a little tickle when my gf and I went and visited a friend in Chicago and my gf said she could tell my friend liked me by the way she looked at me. Always gotta like external validations.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 External validation is about 50% of what pulled me from my gloomy existential funk, and elevated me to the point where I am now going on dates with good-hearted guys again. I spent a few years intentionally shutting out attention from men so I could learn to be strong on my own. It wasn't without its merit - but life is way more fun when sexy fellas are coming after me and making me glow. Now my philosophy is: BRING IT ON. And I'm pleased to see that all the lovely guys out there aren't missing a beat. For the most part, they left me alone when I wanted them to, and now that I want their attention, they are giving it lavishly. I do love them for that. 2
USMCHokie Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 To be honest, I think external validation gets a bad rap, especially on LS. There's too much .BS about "being strong" on your own...we are social creatures built around societies of people. To deny the influence of the external in our lives is foolish. Try living on a deserted island alone to "work on yourself." It's not a bad thing. 5
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Thanks guys, I feel better about it. I have periods where I am almost as bad as Hokie
Ruby Slippers Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I have periods where I am almost as bad as Hokie Don't we all?
USMCHokie Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I have periods where I am almost as bad as Hokie Yikes!! That's pretty bad...you should probably see someone about that... 2
ThaWholigan Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I wouldn't worry too much about it. I am often very flattered by any kind of external validation I am given, no matter whether I am feeling good or not. Don't think to lowly of yourself for feeling good when someone pays you a compliment or anything along those lines. You're entitled to enjoy a big of external validation every now and then
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Yikes!! That's pretty bad...you should probably see someone about that... Exactly my thoughts Damn, you got rid off those shirtless pics in your album
AD1980 Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Im very sensitive when it comes to people liking me if i feel somebody doesnt like me even if its just in my head it upsets me a lot for some reason Probably the reason i have trouble approaching women i take dislike or recjection too personally and think whats wrong with me why doesnt that person like me? or that girl thinks im ugly
snug.bunny Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I think it can depend on your environment and your upbringing. For instance, there are plenty of regions in the world, where people do not have the luxury of external validation, nor monetary comforts, and yet they are quite content. I truly believe that love is the best external validation because it fills internally. Nonetheless, don't feel bad if/when you enjoy it from time to time. As long as your not a narcissist, it's all good.
USMCHokie Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Damn, you got rid off those shirtless pics in your album They'll get unhidden when I'm in need of some external validation.
carhill Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 OP, where do you draw the line between enjoying the company of other humans, ostensibly of both genders, and needing external validation from men? BTW, regarding the little gifts I spoke of, I value them equally regardless of the gender which offers them. Help us understand this dynamic better.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Now my philosophy is: BRING IT ON. And I'm pleased to see that all the lovely guys out there aren't missing a beat. For the most part, they left me alone when I wanted them to, and now that I want their attention, they are giving it lavishly. I do love them for that. External validation should not be given out "lavishly"....unless the recipient has done something heroic/truly amazing to actually deserve it. "Lavish" external validation is the reason why many women turn into b*tches. Your male friends are foolish. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 External validation should not be given out "lavishly"....unless the recipient has done something heroic/truly amazing to actually deserve it. "Lavish" external validation is the reason why many women turn into b*tches. Your male friends are foolish. People get corrupted because they are corruptible. But a person with a good heart is strong and can resist the temptation to be weak. It's a matter of perspective. I shut off the faucet for years - so now, even a modest sprinkle feels like a waterfall. And it's not my friends who are appreciating me - it's the men who want to sex and/or love me. 1
ThaWholigan Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 People get corrupted because they are corruptible. But a person with a good heart is strong and can resist the temptation to be weak. I think this will be my new sig 1
Quiet Storm Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 You must learn to love yourself and be your own validator. A lot of the external validation that we get from strangers & aquaintances is phony anyway. They either say things just to be polite, or they have their own agenda. Not caring what others think, and not attempting to please or get reactions from others, is very freeing. I would suggest individual counseling.
somedude81 Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 It's amazing how differently insecurity affects men versus it affects women. How their life turns out, how desirable they are or are not and so much more.
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