evo27 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hi all, this is my first time posting. This tread seems to be the most relevant for my current issue. So…I had been in a relationship with my ex for just over 3 years. We are both pushing 30. In our time together we had done a lot of things together. Both moved out of home, moved interstate due to my work, and traveled overseas together. My ex's brother ended up moving to the city and consequently moved in with us, which was fine. My ex and I then moved back to our hometown and lived in our own place for a year. When we moved back to our hometown things were ok but not ok. My work was extremely turbulent as I came out of fulltime work and started working freelance/contract. Gaining work in our hometown proved extremely difficult. I had several offers to head back interstate, which I had to do for the sake of keeping afloat. I would usually be away for 2-4 weeks at a time. It was hard for both of us. It got to July last year, I was again interstate for work. She called me and said she “wasn’t sure about us anymore”. So after driving 12 hours to arrive back home finding our house a pigsty from the weekend, we talked. She was frustrated with me, feeling like she was in a relationship but not and not connecting emotionally with me. I admit it’s hard being away for both individuals but I was doing it the both of us. It came end of July and my birthday. We went out for dinner, was enjoyable until she came out with “I want to be single.” Woah, I didn’t want to make a scene at the restaurant but chocked and couldn’t talk. After that we agreed to go to see a relationship counselor as I believed there were things we both needed to work on but also believed that our relationship was a long road so to speak. Went to the first session of the relationship counseling, agreed to book a second. Over a weekend we were planning out what we had to do during the week. She made mention she had booked dinner for her sister and her husband and us on the Wednesday night. I said, “No, we have already made plans with the relationship counselor”. Her response was “I don’t want to go”. I asked why and she said, “I don’t like the counselor”. I said “Well, you know what, you can go to dinner and I’ll go to see the counselor and have the session on my own”. So I did. Was actually a great session, I enjoyed it. So…it didn’t end. The relationship kept going. I was still going back and forth interstate. The last time I worked interstate was last October. Between October 2011 and Feb 2012. I had no work, which meant no income. Plus, in the creative industry work just dries up over xmas when your freelancing/contract. Luckily I had saved large chuncks. In the downtime I also up skilled for my creative work. In January this year we were organizing to pack up the house as our lease on the property was to expire on 1st of Feb, and couldn’t stay on. After discussing with my ex, the plan was to individually move back to our parent’s house and save enough to purchase our own place. We were both tired of paying rent. I probably packed up and moved about 80-90% of the house. Driving in 2 opposite directions both an hour and 10min return trip. About a week or so after moving, I started to gain some regular work, which was a huge positive and break through. One Saturday in Feb this year we were organizing ourselves in the morning and running errands. In the afternoon were to celebrate my dad’s birthday with dinner at my parents. Before getting to my parents place we did a few more errands and then came “I can’t do us anymore” from her. We stopped, talked, cried and were both extremely emotional. It was so hard; the feeling was like 12 arrows piercing through my heart, it was just devastating. We kept in contact; we kind of had to because of our belongings. Half my stuff was in boxes at her parents, half her stuff was at my parents. Co-coordinating to meet up and go through the belongings proved frustrating, there always seemed to be an excuse or some kind of family function of hers that prevented her to get things sorted. It also didn’t help that she doesn’t have a car. When we were together I had to push her to get her drivers license. The Bali holiday we booked I had paid for the plane tickets in full. I tried to get a refund but they were non-refundable tickets. My ex invited me to go after we had broken up, even through I had paid for the tickets. I thought this was just strange, I knew she was really missing me. I declined her invitation. I didn’t want to go as my ex had a group of friends going on top of us breaking up. She said she will reimburse me, though I didn’t count on it. After getting through my frustration. I thought, I don’t care about the money. If it comes back it’s a bonus but I’m not counting on it. So it’s taken 4 months and I still don’t have all of my boxes back. I only have 2 boxes at her parents place. It took 3 months to get her furniture out of my parents place back to her parent’s place. Again, I co-coordinated it as it would never happen otherwise. I was completely in love with my ex. We loved each other so much but over time the ‘in love’ drifted and faded. We both became exhausted; her more so emotionally which was probably due to me not being open enough with my feelings and how I felt. I acknowledged that. So between Jan 2012 and now (June 2012) I have gone through no income, moving house and moving back into my parent’s house while renovations were underway, a new job with regular and consistent income, breaking up with my ex, my grandmother passing away, gearing up to go overseas for a month to see my sister graduate, and studying through all of this. Though this time I have really worked on myself, I’ve become a lot more emotionally aware and open with how I feel. I’ve set new goals that I want to achieve in the short term and long term. I haven’t been involved with anyone since or had a rebound fling. I decided after the closure of my relationship with my ex that I need time and space for no one else except for myself. Hasn’t been the easiest road. I have enjoyed it, I’ve learnt new things about myself and who I am and where I’m going and happy to tell the truth and how it is. So here is the interesting part. Have caught up a few times with my ex to sort stuff out, I still feel she is clinging on even though she broke it off. Even after we broke up we still enjoy each other’s company. I can handle being pleasant, friendly and have a laugh. She has discussed her plans and goals and I have supported her that she needs to go them. I have discussed vaguely my plans and directions and what I want to do. When we broke up she was quite strong to move through the emotions. Neither of us were needy or constantly messaging/calling. Until last week. Last week she has revealed that she has strong feelings for me and wondered if we could take a second chance. I was really taken back; I really couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t want to talk on the phone or message. So we decided to meet up and talk about it. In talking it has been revealed that she has decided to move overseas towards the end of next year. I pointed out and said even if we hypothetically try again, how do you see moving overseas playing into this? Reading between the lines, I feel she was expecting me to jump back on board then fall in line with moving with her overseas for a few years. I said that moving overseas is currently not part of my goals or decisions. I feel she has realized what a big mistake she has made and what a great person she did have (not blowing my own trumpet). Over the last few days I have been bombarded with text messages and email pleading for me for a second chance. I do still love her, I really want the best for her but her new emotions have clouded my vision. I currently feel like I’m in some kind of storm, I can hear things and see flashes but there is no clarity of direction. In my previous relationships it’s been, break up, no connection, never see again, end of story. This however is different. Is it common for some of us to have a resurgence of strong feelings towards an ex-partner and can this be seen part of the grieving process of the loss of someone? I’m still quite fragile in a way with what's happened in the last 6 months. I’m quite guarded at the moment. I’m just trying to gain some clarity and perspective. Thanks in advance for any replies, responses and wisdom. Regards E
Philosoraptor Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Quite an interesting story. It looks like you're doing what is best for yourself and really learned how to put yourself first, which is great. It doesn't matter what she wants here as you need to continue to do what is best for yourself. The real question is what do you want out of your relationship with her? Do you want the relationship back or are you comfortable just being friends? How would her seeing someone else effect you?
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