ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hi, need your advice, maybe someone experienced something similar. I (31yo) dated a woman (29yo) for about 5 months total. In the past my relationships were like date, have a good time, part, rinse and repeat. Even though I was somehow emotionally involved most of the time I couldn't really say that I miss anything from the past. Now things are completely different. Our relationship went like a roller coaster. In those 5 months both of us backed out twice (tried to break contact completely) but got back to the other. We had excellent conversations, a lot of fun, good sex. About 95% of all interaction we had was as good as it gets. And yet we both managed to hurt each other so much in the remaining 5% leading to the rational conclusion that we need to end this relationship which we did 4 weeks ago. Yet, my mind can't let her go. This might be the first (and maybe even the last) time in my life where I had the potential of truly loving a woman for all she is, a soul mate? The word "love" didnt come out of my mouth after only 5 months maybe it should have? I'm sure the feels the same, I made her cry a couple of times (she told me afterwards), which obviously was never my intention in any way, I was shocked... Frankly, I don't even know why I'm writing this because deep inside I know it's over. Don't get me wrong, my life will go on and I generally don't have problems to get into _some random_ relationship, but this leaves a bitter aftertaste and she set the benchmark really really high...any chance to get rid of this fundamental, unspoken, undefinable boundary between us? sounds like hollywood **** but it's real, it hurts, it's confusing and it's different from the stuff you experience in your teen days...
mesmerized Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 What did you fight about? We need more information here.
Balzac Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 What were you vulnerable to with her? Possibly you have matured and now can be in love though after 5 months you did not profess love. I would expect the bar to be set high. This sounds like maturation, not THE girl.
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Basically she said that I could not give her emotional security, because I was insecure myself. In her previous relationships she always had a mate who was secure in all his actions and she always was the insecure part who needed stability. Our relationship was like a minefield where 2 weeks were perfect and then she'd step on a mine. After trying to talk about it she enabled her typical self protection shield claiming she had absolutely no feelings for me and whatever. My view: yes I was not 100% secure because of the minefield SHE layed...I had those emotions pretty early so I obviously was a bit more careful to not scare her off (instead of "well don't care"). But I realized something doesnt go the way it should and also tried to protect myself of becoming emotionally involved too much. But the feelings were really strong. She has a very complex personality and we both have our history. I didnt ask too much but I know she has been hurt a LOT. I did my very best to take care of her, make her feel good, make her smile and be a good lover. Obviously it was not enough to overcome the scars of her past and make her believe that I COULD be the one she was looking for? How in the world can I give her any guarantee that she will not get the next scar in the event that we will not marry and live happily until the rest of our lives...that's a bit too much to ask? so yeah, that's it basically. Any chance to for us?
Eddie Edirol Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Nope, if she has scars in her past (or claims to) and is using it as an excuse to pull away from you, then she has issues that she needs to deal with and fix. She probably wasnt over her last bf anyway, in which you dodged a bullet. All of this has nothing to do with you so this relationship would never work. I think you started falling for her because she was more of a challenge for you. You find another woman who doesnt fall for you so fast and makes you work, then you will find love again. BTW my assessment is based on your words, which was she was an emotional wreck, and you did nothing wrong in the relationship. I dont know if there was anything you did to trigger her minefields initially.
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Thanks for your words, I had hoped that someone could come up with a plan to make it work but you are right it would never work and deep inside I knew it. Wish I could change things...:/ Nice weekend
amantis Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Look , the only think i can tell you is that most of the time we meet a nice girl and if she is a bit special we feel like having a relationship with them ... what i have learned with lots of dates that i had in this past months was , that we dont need to date all of them , some of them were supposed to be only friends , but we want always more and thats the problem. I say that because you said that you love her but at the same time your relationship was a mess and both of u backed out twice from the relationship . Is that normal for a relationship ? 2 people in love ? Just wake up and think if you 2 should be together , if not and you must move on.
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Actually that's not the case. I didn't "always" want more and I had those "a bit special" relationships (one of them was even purely sex based), but I'm done with this. I'm looking for someone who shares my goals, has the potential to achieve them and go all the way. Alternatively I'm staying alone, simple as that. I have absolutely no intention to continue "dating" till my late 30s or choosing "anyone" just to be not alone. And I cannot assume that I will have many more chances, maybe 1 or 2 at most. I still feel that she is the one I was looking for and it's tearing me apart that she is killing her feelings and retreating...when we said good bye last thing she said that you always meet twice in life. I replied that I highly doubt we will meet again, turned around and walked away...oh boy...looks like I layed the last mine But of course you are correct in 2 points: it's not normal and I will let her go
amantis Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) Good luck !! Edited June 16, 2012 by amantis
manup Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Hi, need your advice, maybe someone experienced something similar. I (31yo) dated a woman (29yo) for about 5 months total. In the past my relationships were like date, have a good time, part, rinse and repeat. Even though I was somehow emotionally involved most of the time I couldn't really say that I miss anything from the past. Now things are completely different. Our relationship went like a roller coaster. In those 5 months both of us backed out twice (tried to break contact completely) but got back to the other. We had excellent conversations, a lot of fun, good sex. About 95% of all interaction we had was as good as it gets. And yet we both managed to hurt each other so much in the remaining 5% leading to the rational conclusion that we need to end this relationship which we did 4 weeks ago. Yet, my mind can't let her go. This might be the first (and maybe even the last) time in my life where I had the potential of truly loving a woman for all she is, a soul mate? The word "love" didnt come out of my mouth after only 5 months maybe it should have? I'm sure the feels the same, I made her cry a couple of times (she told me afterwards), which obviously was never my intention in any way, I was shocked... Frankly, I don't even know why I'm writing this because deep inside I know it's over. Don't get me wrong, my life will go on and I generally don't have problems to get into _some random_ relationship, but this leaves a bitter aftertaste and she set the benchmark really really high...any chance to get rid of this fundamental, unspoken, undefinable boundary between us? sounds like hollywood **** but it's real, it hurts, it's confusing and it's different from the stuff you experience in your teen days... Maybe it's because the circumstances in this relationship were different, maybe you enjoyed the dramatic aspect of your interaction?
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 well...as expected she initiated contact again...I dated someone else meanwhile but that's not going anywhere. What do you think? How can we make this work? It's funny, the pure fact that I'm asking this somehow indicates a certain kind of insecurity. But the feelings are really strong and maybe I am really afraid of not having them again in my life...:/
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Another update: I still have stuff from her which I offered to bring her back. She declined telling me that there is no hurry and she doesn't need the stuff at the moment. Obviously this is bullsh*t. It should be absolutely no problem to drive to her place, say hi, drop off the stuff, say goodbye and leave. At least it is no problem for me. I assume she is still in the process of emotionally detaching from me so she might be afraid that seeing me in person (even after almost 2 months!) could bring back her feelings. This is really making me sad. How can I get her back?
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