Coffee20 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Now when I am aware of my mistakes and I can see things more and more clearly my question is how to avoid them in my next relationship? When I stay in this rational mood my boundaries are set. I fear if I am in next relationship (and I am not looking now) I will be again so love blinded that I will repeat them again (again will be so soft, tolerant, without boundaries will give everything, ignore everything wrong etc...). Of course I know my other mistakes but I think I can deal with them. How do you avoid doing mistakes when you are so in love? Because I wasn't able to see anything, only felt that there was something wrong.
Exit Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 It's tricky. You can't go into a relationship with your guard totally up, making sure you don't get hurt again and not opening up all the way, that won't work. But you don't have to ignore everything you've learned either. You have to be willing to take the risk again, love is always a risk and there's always a chance that it will end in heart break, but now that you've learned some things, you do need to keep your eyes open and try to watch for certain things. I've heard people suggest keeping a journal as a way to pay attention to your relationship, don't just ignore the times that someone hurts your feelings for the sake of love, keep track of the good and the bad days, and pay attention if things are starting to go too far in the wrong direction. As they say, the only person you can control is yourself. The only mistakes you can worry about not repeating are the ones that you made. You will never be able to guarantee that someone you have feelings for won't end up hurting you. You should give it plenty of time before even worrying about your next relationship, wait until you feel secure and ready to trust again. Don't go back to dating with your wounds not fully healed and still worrying about how to protect yourself. You can try to be more attentive but there is no way you'll be able to catch every red flag and warning sign. The nature of love is that you want to trust the person and only look at the positives. If you're looking for a way to take what you've learned and make sure you never get hurt in a relationship ever again, in my opinion, that will never happen. You have to accept love for what it is and know that there will always be a risk. The worst thing you could do is to become over-vigilant, worrying about every thing that happens as a sign that you're going to get hurt again, because letting fear and doubt into your relationships will affect your behavior, and ironically bring about the exact outcome you're trying to avoid, you'll put too much pressure on someone and get dumped. Love doesn't have to overwhelm your common sense and rationality. That's the storybook type of love we've all been taught about where you just get totally overwhelmed and fall head over heals. It doesn't have to be that way. Don't let your heart overpower your brain. Let them work together. 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Now when I am aware of my mistakes and I can see things more and more clearly my question is how to avoid them in my next relationship? When I stay in this rational mood my boundaries are set. I fear if I am in next relationship (and I am not looking now) I will be again so love blinded that I will repeat them again (again will be so soft, tolerant, without boundaries will give everything, ignore everything wrong etc...). Of course I know my other mistakes but I think I can deal with them. How do you avoid doing mistakes when you are so in love? Because I wasn't able to see anything, only felt that there was something wrong. You can't, unless your next relationship will be exactly the same as your last. No two relationships are the same, so you have to adapt to circumstance. My husband now, is a completely different individual to my ex-H. There is no way I can predict behaviour, and so, I cannot predict change. you just have to take each situation as it comes and swim accordingly. If you know you failed in some aspects due to your own character, modify that, by all means. But once in a relationship - it's an unknown.... feel your way as best you can.
Author Coffee20 Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Thank you, I was talking about it with my friend yesterday and she told me that it was hard, because when you were love blinded you usually behaved like that. I am happy I could leave this relationship, actually some harsh things he told me looked same like in my first relationship (how weird is to hear: "be happy to have at least me" or "I doubt you will find anyone better"), that's why I was able to leave that early.
CopingGal Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Journal, journal, journal your experiences and your feelings. Examine the realtionship periodically. Do you see red flags? How do you feel about this person? Do you feel the person is taking advantage of you? Do you feel like you did in the previous bad relationship. Stay in touch with your feelings and don't ignore them. 1
Feelin Frisky Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 It's hard to say how to let yourself fall in love and be analytically detached at the same time. I guess one thing to realize is that romance is all about wanting someone before you actually know what it's like to "have" them in your life for real. And so, it pays to be discerning of how much of the loving feeling is for what you project the other person to be versus what they show in reality. That kinda ruins the joy but if you're worried about mistakes it's necessary. Sometimes everything can seem right and you won't know until it happens and happens again that there is as little as one thing that just will bring the relationship to an end. I hate that sobering moment when it dawns on me that "this" is going to be our undoing. And I've been right about it no matter how hard I tried. I think you just have to play and hope for the best and unfortunately suffer if it goes to shi+. Such is life. 1
Author Coffee20 Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 Journal, journal, journal your experiences and your feelings. Examine the realtionship periodically. Do you see red flags? How do you feel about this person? Do you feel the person is taking advantage of you? Do you feel like you did in the previous bad relationship. Stay in touch with your feelings and don't ignore them. thanks, I like your idea about journaling, I will just write down and examine my next relationship and I will "listen" more to my brain than to my heart
Author Coffee20 Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 Sometimes everything can seem right and you won't know until it happens and happens again that there is as little as one thing that just will bring the relationship to an end. I hate that sobering moment when it dawns on me that "this" is going to be our undoing. And I've been right about it no matter how hard I tried. I think you just have to play and hope for the best and unfortunately suffer if it goes to shi+. Such is life. I completely understand this feeling, I enter each relationship with the idea of having a family and staying forever. Things go usually different way.
Recommended Posts