pandafort Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hi guys and girls! This is my first time posting here so please bear with me if I'm a little long-winded. My boyfriend (23) broke up with me (22) a little over six weeks ago after being together for 16 months. He sprung it on me so suddenly - just the day before the break up we were cuddling and talking about our future together. Everything seemed so perfect to me, which made the break-up even harder! Anyway, the reasons he cited seemed - to me - relatively vague; he couldn't seem to determine one single factor that had lead to his decision. He claimed that he was starting to see me as a friend, that I needed someone who could commit more certainly to marriage and to a future, and that he wasn't 100% sure what he wanted from life and that he didn't know how compatible we really are. I found the last point especially hard to take, since I have never felt so compatible with anyone, and everyone who knows us thinks we make a perfect couple. Our break-up was very emotional - he cried, swearing his love for me and saying he didn't want anyone else. I told him being friends would be hard for me and he left it to me to get in touch. I know that NC is ideal, but I caved after 10 days and messaged him since I was moving house and needed a lot of stuff back from him. Long story short: we met up for three hours, were friendly and happy and then I told him straight that his reasons for breaking up with me seemed a little vague, and he admitted to having been unsure how he felt and worrying whether he was just panicking about commitment issues, and pushing away something good for the sake of his own problems. We parted that day with me feeling even more certain that it was really over, and that I would have to refrain from contacting him for a while. I maintained NC for just over two weeks, before texting to see how he was. We exchanged a couple of brief texts before he initiated contact with me a few days ago, to say congratulations on finishing my exams. I replied saying I was drunk and having a great night out with my friends. Nothing emotional, I was trying to keep it brief and make him see I was getting on with my life without him. Next day he rang me! I was in shock. He said he just wanted to see how I was, and whether I'd had a fun evening. We talked for about 15 minutes before he had to go, and everything seemed like it used to be, we were laughing and joking and left it at him saying he'd be in touch. Yesterday he text me a long message telling me about his day. He said he'd been to see a play and "really wanted you to be there". - Is this an indication of his missing me? I text him back this morning and just received a short phone call from him again, asking how my house moving had gone. I asked if he felt like meeting up one day soon, and he said that would be nice and he'd be in touch. I am so confused. My ex is NOT the sort to ring someone for a casual chat, especially someone he knows is still in love with him and will jump at the chance for reconciliation - he is not malicious like that. He knows better than to string me along at the risk of hurting me further. I also know that he is very guarded with his emotions and would not outright say "I miss you". I think he is too proud to say so even if he did. I can't understand how he is feeling. Of course part of me is hoping that he has had time to think about how he misses me and may have made a mistake, but I just don't know. How should I play it when we meet up? Any insights you guys may have would be so appreciated!
Exit Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Sorry to say but I think you are setting yourself up for even more pain here, based on my own experiences and how these types of situations go in general. He claimed that he was starting to see me as a friend, that I needed someone who could commit more certainly to marriage and to a future, and that he wasn't 100% sure what he wanted from life and that he didn't know how compatible we really are. Nice of him to imply that this is really about you. YOU need someone who can be more committed. And as much as I always thought I wanted to figure out who to marry while I was still fairly young, I'm realizing we all need to get over this marriage talk that goes on between 22-23 year olds. Big shock, he wasn't ready, and you shouldn't be either after a 16 month relationship in your 20s. Our break-up was very emotional - he cried, swearing his love for me and saying he didn't want anyone else. NONSENSE. If you love someone and don't want to be with anyone else, you don't end the relationship. Would you let someone go if they were the only other human being on this planet you could see yourself with? He sounds like one of those people who performed a really wimpy breakup. All the "I'm confused stuff", telling you that you need someone who can offer more, claiming he loves you to death and doesn't want anyone else, he was just trying to sugar coat what he was too scared to really say. He doesn't see the same future and he needs to let you go. I told him being friends would be hard for me and he left it to me to get in touch. Well, you caved in and got in touch, which most likely sent the message that you are okay being friendly and talking once in a while. He knows better than to string me along at the risk of hurting me further. No he doesn't. They never do. Besides, based on the last bullet point, he may not be aware that he is leading you on, he may think the contact from you means you are okay with being friends. But most likely, he knows that you still care for him, and no, it doesn't bother him to string you along. I also know that he is very guarded with his emotions and would not outright say "I miss you". I think he is too proud to say so even if he did. Every person who has ever been dumped has let their mind trick them into this. We allll think our ex's are too shy to tell us how much they love us and want to get back together. Again, nonsense. If he wasn't too shy to tell you the relationship needed to end, he wouldn't be too shy to say he made a mistake. Basically you are falling into the "emotional crutch" role that many of us do. You've pretty much let him know that it's okay to break up with you, and that you can still call and text each other and be friendly, and you don't mind. Rather than showing him the consequences of his decision and letting him see what life without you will be like, you've been in contact fairly often. He got to dump you, he got out of the responsibilities of having a committed relationship with you, but when he wants someone to talk to, he still has you. Maybe you think I'm being hard on you but I feel you need a red alert to get your defenses up. You are making yourself so incredibly vulnerable. You should have shown him what he was missing and not broken NC. I don't think you should follow through with this agreement to meet up at all. You should clarify once again that you aren't ready to be friends right now. You could end this guessing game entirely by just being completely honest with him and telling him that his willingness to talk to you and agreeing to hang out makes you think you might be able to get things back on track. But I'm guessing you're going to go anyway. In which case you should remind yourself that you have the power here, you did not break up with him, you were ready to form a future together and he is the one who does not value you like you value him and decided "aw shucks I dunno what I want, let's break up". You should not be there to impress him or do anything. Let him do the talking, find out why you two are even agreeing to meet up, figure out if this is going anywhere or if he is just wanting to be friends. It took me so many times of going through this situation after breakups to finally harden my stance about it. I'd come to these forums for years and have people telling me to smarten up and I'd insist about the same old stuff, "maybe my ex is just scared to tell me, I told her to give me my stuff back so I could move on and she still hasn't yet - that must mean something". Every time I let exes do this type of stuff to me, and tried to convince myself that it meant more, I got hurt. I am not saying in all possibilities of the universe that you may not have an ex who is regretting their decision. What I am telling you is that you need to keep your mind focused on the fact that he dumped you and walked away, and that him changing his mind would be an unexpected surprise. Right now you are backwards, focusing on all the ways this seems like he is still interested, and hardly reminding yourself at all that he dumped you. He needs to win you back, not the other way around. You were the one offering true love, you were the one who didn't want anyone else - and actually meant it. He was all talk, saying he doesn't want anyone else, yet walking away from the relationship. You're exhibiting all the signs of someone who is heading down the path of being treated like a doormat. You need to get some passion and dignity built up within yourself and realize who was wrong here. He should be the one worried about impressing you, he should be the one breaking NC and trying to talk to you, not the other way around. Look at it this way, you're the one who broke NC the first couple times. You have no way of knowing whether or not you would have heard from him at all if you had never said anything. Maybe you're both sending mixed messages, he thought your contact meant you were okay with being friends and you're hoping his contact means something more. Please try to stand up tall and toughen up a bit otherwise you're going to get nothing but another vague meetup with him and the stringing along will continue. As I said my true first choice would be not to see him at all, but if you go, don't sit there chatting all friendly like he's your greatest friend in the world. Keep your responses short and let him say what he has to say and get to the bottom of this. The other thing your mind is going to try to tell you is "don't put pressure on it, don't bring it up", and that's the quickest way to keep getting strung along. You'll be texting and calling and agreeing to meet up for weeks and months, still with no answer about what's going on, and then some day you'll find out it was all for nothing when you hear he is with someone else. Stand strong and get some answers and prepare to be done with this. If he has something important to say, good, let him find the fortitude to say it. If he shows up and expects a nice friendly chat and nothing more, then you know you're barking up the wrong tree.
TaraMaiden Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Sorry, but this is an emotional mess. you have to go - and stay - No Contact. Please read the Caliguy Guide in my signature, then read it again, then read it again for good measure, then copy, paste into a word.doc, print it out, keep a copy with you at all times and paste as many others as you can round your new pad, until you see the words in your sleep. It's the only way. Otherwise he has you exactly where he wants you: hanging onto his heartbeat with a fraying thread, called Hope.
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