She is sleeping with the CEO?

[ponyapevin]

OK, I need some advice, because there is nobody else to talk to about this.

 

Married just over 1 year, things have not been great, but we have been working on it.

 

Early May, I kept hearing the test message beep of her cell phone, and she would go on early morning walks for an hour or two, this was normal, except for the fact she didn't seem to want me to tag along any more.

 

So, not too proud of myself, I checked her text phone messages online, it logs them all even if she deletes them on the phone. (didn't know this myself before) and yes, found out that she was cheating with the 20 years older than her married with two kids CEO of her new job of only 3 months. So that week, she had a "Conference" in town, but had to stay at the hotel, so posing as the romantic husband I showed up with flowers to "tuck her in" BUSTED, no room, so I called her, and made her come down to see me.

 

After this, she told me that nothing had happened and that she was glad I came because it stopped her from making a mistake. (at this point she does not know that I am online reading her messages)

 

So, two weeks later, hotel again, not overnight, but the messages online led me to meet her in the lobby of another hotel, when of course she was supposed to be out with friends. Big suprise, she was pissed. So I left and went home, she returned later, told me that I was paranoid, and that he was in town and she was just taking him a bottle of wine to apologize for the previous encounter and tell him that nothing could ever happen. (BTW: the text messages painted an obvious picture that they had been sleeping together) I told her I didn't believer her, and that if she wanted to work things out she needed to tell me everything, I asked her about the walks etc, and she still said they were just walks. She told me nothing was happening.

 

Finally, the messages continued, I confronted her again, told her I had been reading everything online, and saw the call logs to the other guy for hours during her so called walks. I also told her that I had read the messages confirming that they had slept together. She admitted everything, she had too right? Told me that it was over and the she wanted us to work. I told her that I wanted him out of the picture, she still needs to talk to him, because of his position at work, but I said no outside contact, she told me that this was hard, and that he was just a friend, that they connected first because of work, not sex and she needed him for career guidence, I told her only during work. She was really upset about me going online and reading her text messages, told me it was invasion of privacy, I agreed, but I said I did it too save our marriage, which is true. She asked me to stop doing that, that we both needed to trust each other. I said I would do that.

 

Two weeks have gone by, things have been not bad with us, but, I broke my promise and checked her messages not expecting to find anything because she knew I could check if I wanted to, but there they were, not as bad as before, but I miss you, want to lick you etc..... Also they have opened secret email accounts, which by other means I found out her password a checked out, there have been a number of email messages between them, some sex talk, but both have said that they are trying to work things out at home......Also he has gone on a trip with his family, and he is emailing her telling her that they needed a 2 week cooling off period, she said it is hard because she gets hot thinking about him.

 

So long winded I know, but just typing this helps, if any of you have any thought please let me know.

 

Here is my questions with all of this.

 

What should I do, if I confront her again, she will know that I am looking at the text messages, and now I have even cracked her email account, not really good on my side, this may also upset the process if she is trying to fix things. But on the other side, is she really trying to fix things? And how can I continue like this. I love her and I want this marriage to work, I believe that she loves me and wants it too work too, I am just worried she might think both can work......

 

Any Thoughts please.................

[Linlin]

First off, if you both want it to work, there has to be no CONTACT with the OM. If she is serious about saving your marriage then she needs to get another job then. From what I have been told, the first 3 weeks of no contact is rough and then it gets better.

 

Both of you need to go see individual counsellors to talk and then see a counsellor together. There is no set timeline for doing this. It is when you are both ready. Any counsellor will tell while you are together there can be no contact. Even out of respect to you while she is deciding what she wants, she shouldn't.

 

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make her stay. You can make her decide between the two of you and if she won't you may have to make some tough choices for yourself. You may have to remove yourself from her is she won't give him up.

 

IMO don't feel too bad about checking up on her (emails and text messages). It's how I caught my H and if they weren't being dishonest then we wouldn't have had any reason to go looking.

 

Good luck

[reservoirdog1]

What should I do, if I confront her again, she will know that I am looking at the text messages, and now I have even cracked her email account, not really good on my side, this may also upset the process if she is trying to fix things. But on the other side, is she really trying to fix things? And how can I continue like this. I love her and I want this marriage to work, I believe that she loves me and wants it too work too, I am just worried she might think both can work......

 

If she had nothing to hide, a tiny smidgen of her anger might be justified. Only a bit, though... a cheating spouse has an obligation, if they want to fix the marriage, to move heaven and earth to rebuild what they desecrated. That includes giving the spouse they betrayed unobstructed access to their email, cell phone, text messages, whenever they want. There can be no secret email accounts or any secrets of any kind.

 

You confronting her won't "upset the processs if she's trying to fix things", because there's no process to upset. She's not trying. At best, she's still cheating on you emotionally. At worst... well, you know.

 

Both cannot work. She has to choose: you or him.

 

If she chooses you, she must quit her job. She can have absolutely no contact with him. She must phone him or email him, with you present, and tell him that it is over and that he is never to contact her again. Her life must become an open book to you. You must be free to check up on her at any time, including emails and phone records. She must be accountable for her time and whereabouts for as long as you need her to be. She must attend counselling with you. If she refuses to do any of this, well then... she's given you her answer.

 

Good luck brother...

[steven8234]

I had almost the same thing happen to me. There is no good advice that can be given. It's all up to you. Before it happend to me I would always say stuff like "I'd tell that B*&*^^ to kiss my ass and blah blah blah.....

 

My first piece of advice is not to take advice from people it hasn't happend to.

 

Second is to really decide if you want to be married to a woman that cheated on you within the first year of your marriage and conitnually lied to you about it. You basically had to resort to being a sneak to catch her. This tells me that she's good at hiding things from you. You know the saying "once a cheat always a cheat" It applies. After I caught my ex-wife cheating on me and it took me a while cause she was so good at the lies, I discovered that she had done it more than once.

 

You must ask yourself, Do I love this woman enough that I'm willing to put up with her ignoring me and telling another man that she's hot just reading an email from him? It brings up a whole slew of other questions.

 

I say that she is obviously not the one for you.....It's hard to find your one and only, can't live without, true love. If it wasn't so hard then everyone would be happy and infidelity wouldn't be so rampart across the world......

 

 

File for divorce, get over her and start looking for the woman that's made for you.....

 

 

Just an opinion from a guy who's been through this already...good luck...

[Fritz]

Check out <URL removed> Some good advice there and forums with people who are going through the same thing as you.

[supermom]

Okay.....if I were in your shoes....I'd call the one she's cheating with and tell him to LEAVE YOUR WIFE ALONE or you will tell his....or put a restraining order on him.

 

She should quit and find another job...I'd make her.....or I'd leave her.

 

 

There is NO EXCUSE for cheating.....

[unreal]

I remember I used to always swear that if I had a girlfriend, fiance or wife that ever cheated on me, it would be over. I said the same things to myself, "That bitch can kiss my ass!". But I agree, until you are in that situation, you have no idea what it is like or what you would do. I would have never guessed that of all the people in the world, that she would ever cheat on me. My ex was my first love and we broke up and were apart for 6 years before she left her husband to come back to me telling me how much she loved me and that she messed up by leaving me. We made all the plans to be together forever. Many talks of marriage, kids, living together, etc. And then the unthinkable happened...she cheated. She never admitted it, but I had the proof. After many mysterious and suspicious things, I go over to her house one morning and she is changing sheets on her bed. As she goes to the bathroom, I find a condom unrolled, out of the package and laying on her dresser. No sperm inside, but stretched with the form of a penis. I confronted her with it, she made a ridiculous excuse of accidentally opening one when cleaning and then flipping it around the room like a rubberband just for fun. But never would admit she cheated on me. I was crushed and devastated. Thought soo highly of her, I didn't want to believe it because of who she was to me. I left her house immediately upset. Yet, called her and talked to her later wanting to believe her and work on things. She still never admitted to doing it, but couldn't face me anymore and broke it off. She immediately moved away to get away from me as I found out yesterday from her mother.

 

I imagine the guilt of what she had done is eating her alive and she doesn't want to ever see me again to remind her. Her mother tells me that she doesn't ever want me to know where she moved to or anything. She even told me that we couldn't be friends anymore. So, today reality has hit me head on! I loved her soo much, that I allowed her to make a fool out of me. There is no doubt in my mind that she cheated now. I feel bad that she would do that to me. But I know now, I'm much better off. So, I've come to realize that if you love someone as much as I've loved her, you may be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and believe them no matter what proof you have. But in the end you have got to use your better sense of things. If she did it now, she'll do it later.

[Karlise13]

I am just flabbergasted by the fact that a woman you have been married to BARELY A YEAR has the audacity to not only cheat but to GET CAUGHT and continue to cheat!

 

I just don't get it!

 

I mean, if you get busted or caught in a lie....and you care about the person and care that you hurt them and care about saving a fragile marriage teetering on the brink...I mean, wouldn't the guilt just eat you up alive?

 

I am just blown away by her behavior.

 

Seriously, she has a pathological problem.

 

I am not insinuating that she's actually insane, what I mean is that she has no sense of YOUR feelings, YOUR side of this. She has an inability to empathize. People who do not empathize honestly don't feel what they have done is wrong.

They don't like getting caught, because it inconveniences them. But quite honestly, they don't feel the hurt and damage they have done to another. This allows them to continue the lying and deception.

 

This is the only explanation I can think of for her behavior. The only other explanation that MIGHT be plausible is that she has sex addiction.

Addicts are usually very adept liars and manipulators.

 

Can your marriage be saved? I have no idea. But I think your wife is in major need of counseling and intensive therapy

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am going to be blunt here. I think you are out of your mind not divorcing your wife. You have not been married a year and she continues to lie and sexually cheat on you with her boss and put your health at risk for STD's. After she is busted she continues to lie and have sex with this guy? Look you made a huge mistake marrying her. Get out before she destroys your mind and your self-respect. She is using you. You have not been married a year!!!!

 

Do you really feel you deserve so little in your life to love a wife who constantly humiliates and disrespects you in the worst possible way? Contact the wife of the OM and move on and out.

I really think if you stay in this marriage you will spend so much of your energy and time finding your wife screwing another man. I think you would have to be somewhat masochistic to be with a woman that apparently has so little value in the concept of marriage and seemingly enjoys hurting and belittling you. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head? I wish you luck because you will need it if you stay with her.

[Unlucky In Love]

I think you and your wife need to go to counseling to save your marriage, if you even think it's worth it. Cheaters never stop cheating. All least you found out early on in the marriage. You still have time to get out and find yourself someone faithful.

 

If you don't think you can weather this storm, you will probably need to go to counseling and do exactly what the counselor says which may involve your wife quitting her job and switching to a different company. You will have to deal with your own feelings. Do you think you can ever trust her again? I wouldn't be able to.

 

I have a good friend whose ex-wife started cheating on him early in the marriage. She never stopped either. She would sleep with two or three different men a week and lie about it and have her friends cover for her. She put her husband and their daughter through hell and back. He finally realized she was never going to stop so he filed for divorce. She is now re-married to a very wealthy man. I suppose that was her goal all along.

 

I hope your wife is not like this lady, maybe she can be reformed.

 

I wish you the best of luck!