Daisy926 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 I am looking for some stories where going to IC or MC has helped a marriage in trouble. I am looking for the stories where you think there is no help. I won't get into my story here as it is on other posts but I don't see things getting better. I just started IC and hoping to hear some inspiration that things can really drastically change. I have not had many posts so feel free to read what I have posted so far. Or are my hopes to high? Thanks!
sb129 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 I found MC to be effective in helping my husband and I to communicate better. We still have our ups and downs, but we talk and communicate well, which is healthy I think. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 My wife was lying to the counselor for 3 months so it was mostly a waste. When I discovered the truth, it didn't take long for her to quit going altogether.
carhill Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 IMO, the benefits of therapy hinge on two important factors: 1. The competence of the therapist in the particular subset of therapy indicated for the client 2. The client's willingness to be introspective and put in the time and effort to make fundamental change. IMO, though our M didn't survive, had we entered MC while there was still recoverable love on either side, the work there could have saved it. This was evidenced by the 14 months of MC leading to a substantially amicable divorce. I won't speak for my exW but there's no way I could've been amicable without MC. It changed my fundamental perspective on such matters. YMMV. Hope it works out.
Avery Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 MC was very helpful for us. It taught us to communicate effectively. Prior to mc, we just "assumed" what the other wanted/thought. If anything, MC taught me to not try to guess, but to ask. To talk. And vice versa, I stopped expecting him to "know". He's not a mind reader. So absolutely, communication was key.
analystfromhell Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 We're on our second counselor and have been going for about 10 months total. I've been in IC and my SO may start IC as well. Ageneral lack of communication and an EA on her part led to the counseling. Just so you understand the back story.... All that being said- our first counselor seemed very ineffective compared to the current one. The counselor and the couple match made a big difference in our case. I'd urge any couple who aren't making progress to not worry about the time "invested" in non-productive counseling should inhibit you from moving to a new one. The quality of the match and the counseling has been WAY more important than the quantity. Counseling is slow going.... I can't say that our relationship is tremendous or that it has even recovered, but MC has at least stabilized the situation and it forces us to address our relationship in a dedicated fashion on a weekly basis. He gives us useful tools and a third perspective; helping me at least to better understand how am perceived by my wife. Success also depends what the couple want from counseling- we're in the most difficult path of reconciliation. Time will tell how well it works out but counseling is at best a catalyst for the genuine desire to reconcile on both parties. That's the part we seem to be stuck on... Using a MC to help a separate would be a useful idea I think and probably help diffuse the tempers and non-productive actions that the hurt and anxiety of separations induce.
KathyM Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 The problem with a lot of marriage counselors is that they tend to focus too much on the negative interactions, and don't work enough on rebuilding the positives. That makes the sessions unpleasant for people when only the negative or mostly the negative are hashed out week after week. It can become just a weekly gripe session where people are asked how their week went and the partners go on a litany of complaints about their partner. That's been the experience of people that I know, and they didn't seem to think it helped much, and in some cases, it was counterproductive. But then there are some counselors who are good at helping a couple to reconnect with each other, and know what it takes to make a marriage work, as well as being able to assist the couple with getting over difficult areas of contention. I have known people whose marriages were saved through counseling when they found the right counselor. So if your counselor only focuses on the negative, and you find yourself feeling worse or more at odds with each other after counseling sessions, or you seem to keep rehashing the same thing over and over with no progress, then it's time to find another counselor--preferably one who himself has a long term marriage and has an attitude of building back the positive, and doesn't only focus on the negative interactions.
Radagast Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I am looking for some stories where going to IC or MC has helped a marriage in trouble. Counselling certainly helped! Marriage counselling showed me that she was completely unwilling or unable to accept responsibility for her behaviour and that change was too much to expect. Individual counselling helped me to work through my issues of needing to stay to "fix" her and the marriage (both broken beyond repair) and to consider my need for love and respect as at least as important as my need to do "the right thing" and enabled me to make the break and leave. Family counselling helped my kids and me to prepare for a new brighter future without my ex-wife and to leave behind toxic ways of relating so that our new family could be happy and healthy. Counselling really can help, provided you open your mind to accepting the best possible outcome, whatever that turns out to be.
2sure Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I went to IC & MC when my marriage was in trouble. I got divorced, so although it didnt help MY marriage...I think that was because my ex was unhelpable. It helped me enormously, I gained a better understanding of communication & relationships in general which has helped me in many aspects of my life. Had my ex been healthy, I think it could have been a marriage saver. Thinkng back - it probably also helped me move forward without him.
HHC Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 My husband and I started counselling a few months ago, 6 or so I think. We haven't had counselling together though, but we see the same counsellor. It's helped us get back to where we are happy. Would we still be together if we didn't have counselling? We were both in a place of feeling as if we were right and the other had no care for us. By talking to a professional we have both been able to see the other person's side of things. I don't like to think that we would have divorced if we hadn't, but I know we would have been miserable
Gagirl Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Therapy did nothing for us. We ended up taking a nine week marriage course called New Beginnings I think. That actually saved our marriage. It was $150.00 and worth every penny. It's a tough class and you both have to commit to the time and effort involved.
quankanne Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 like SB says, our communication improved HUGELY after a weekend Marriage Encounter retreat. Mostly, it reaffirmed what I believed and illustrated to him *why* I believed about marriage being a forever thing in my book, while I learned to be more patient (a very big thing for me) with how the relationship was progressing. initially, DH was deadset against going, because he figured it was going to be about everyone ganging up on him to say he was wrong or bad or something; several years after I first brought it up, he found out that a priest friend was on the presenting team and suggested we go. And now? He tells everyone it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage. That was about 13 years ago, and we're fixing to celebrate our 20th anniversary tomorrow
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