bluemist Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hi all, New to this, was feeling a bit down and for some reason decided to google and see if I could come up with some advice for my situation and stumbled upon this place. I met a guy about 8 months ago, we became friends, hanging out, chatting, the usual stuff. A couple of months later, it developed into something more. He is married and I did know this but I didn't let it stop me. I know how morally wrong that is, and I know there are plenty of people who would label me as such and such for sleeping with a married man. I don't really need criticisms, I just need another perspective on what's been going on lately. To cut a long story short, he deleted me from his social networking site this week, after 8 months; apparently out of concern that his wife was going to come across my name on there. Sounded like complete rubbish to me, but he insisted that he had made another account, a fake one, and requested that I add it, for use between just him and me. I refused, I don't know why but I did, and then told him that if he deleted me, he need not bother coming to see me, texting or calling me again. But yep, he deleted me anyway. That was on Wednesday; Thursday he texted, I didn't text back. Friday he phoned, I didn't answer. He then texted, again I didn't text back. Today Saturday, he has called 4 times and texted twice, I didn't respond to any of it. I'm not sure what to do. Yes I know I'm just his bit on the side and that his wife will always come first, I know all of that. I also know that he will protect his home life first, and I will always come last. I just don't understand why he's texting and calling, after deleting me, when I specifically told him that if he went ahead and deleted me, I wouldn't have any more to do with him. It feels like he thinks I'm just full of hot air and that I'll never follow through or stick to my guns, he takes me for granted and then thinks he can get me back with a text or a call. It might sound childish but I was incredibly hurt at him deleting me and now I really don't know what to do, stand my ground and show him that I was serious? Answer his calls/texts? What? Anyone have a helpful opinion? I'd be really grateful, thanks.
sad puppy Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hello. Yes, you're taking your power back so stand your ground, turn your back on him and dump his cheating a**. He sounds immature and yes, he thinks he can just get you back with a call or a text. Keep moving on, this is a great start. You already said you know you'll always be second so why waste your time and energy. I say dump him. 2
nonamefornow Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hi Bluemist and welcome, I am sorry you are going through this but please don't add this second (secret) account to your social networking site......by doing so you are totally playing into his hands (right where he wants you to be!) I today have just gone NC for the umpteenth time in my 16 mth saga and it hurts like hell (again!) but I have to be determined that it is really necessary this time! As hard as it is, don't give him the time of day.....he is never leaving therefore it's up to you to live YOUR life and meet someone of YOUR choice....I am trying really hard right now to live by that advice...but hopefully I'll get there. The secrecy (and I am aware the nature of affairs is based on that) is the killer....my xMM had taken to cc'ing me into his own emails.....the lengths they will go to, to avoid discovery, know no bounds. Take care x 1
Fitz Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 The answer is the elephant in the room that you won't acknowledge. So let me break it down for you: 1. He still likes having sex with you. 2. But he does NOT want you ****ing up his marriage. By texting you, he's trying to maintain his sexual/romantic relationship with you (so it doesn't matter what you think about him deleting you from Facebook etc.). But he will never add you to his real account because you might flip out and contact/stalk/harass his wife and **** up his marriage. Simple as that. 4
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Fitz's post, as harsh as it reads, sadly for you, is true. The guy deleted you off his facebook and his reasonings ARE very real. He didn't want his wife to ask any questions about who you are and why some girl she doesn't know is on his facebook. He also may have deleted you for another reason, for you not to 'know' all about his private life with his wife and family. He is and should be protective of that. No offense to you by me saying that. He is calling you, texting you because he doesn't believe the A is over, probably thinks you'll cave and allow him back into your life. Keep ignoring him and focus on trying to get over him. BE GLAD this is over now instead of a year or two down the road. Grieve the loss and just know that in time you will feel better. He isn't worth it. The A isn't worth it.. HE IS testing you, so don't answer him. 1
Stoneman70 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Do you two say "I love you"...or are you in love? What are the dynamics of this relationship? Do you just get along really well and have sex? Or is there more to it on your end or has he ever said anything to indicate he actually cares about you (and not just what you give him)? In my opinion...if he is deleting you from facebook..he is protecting himself..and he is trying to contact you to keep the affair going.
twinsmom Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 I say cut your losses and run. Run hard and run fast. If you continue to pursue this relationship, you are probably just setting yourself for a world of heartache. Read my back story if you don't believe that. My advice is to LET..IT..GO..
woinlove Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hi all, New to this, was feeling a bit down and for some reason decided to google and see if I could come up with some advice for my situation and stumbled upon this place. I met a guy about 8 months ago, we became friends, hanging out, chatting, the usual stuff. A couple of months later, it developed into something more. He is married and I did know this but I didn't let it stop me. I know how morally wrong that is, and I know there are plenty of people who would label me as such and such for sleeping with a married man. I don't really need criticisms, I just need another perspective on what's been going on lately. To cut a long story short, he deleted me from his social networking site this week, after 8 months; apparently out of concern that his wife was going to come across my name on there. Sounded like complete rubbish to me, but he insisted that he had made another account, a fake one, and requested that I add it, for use between just him and me. I refused, I don't know why but I did, and then told him that if he deleted me, he need not bother coming to see me, texting or calling me again. But yep, he deleted me anyway. That was on Wednesday; Thursday he texted, I didn't text back. Friday he phoned, I didn't answer. He then texted, again I didn't text back. Today Saturday, he has called 4 times and texted twice, I didn't respond to any of it. I'm not sure what to do. Yes I know I'm just his bit on the side and that his wife will always come first, I know all of that. I also know that he will protect his home life first, and I will always come last. I just don't understand why he's texting and calling, after deleting me, when I specifically told him that if he went ahead and deleted me, I wouldn't have any more to do with him. It feels like he thinks I'm just full of hot air and that I'll never follow through or stick to my guns, he takes me for granted and then thinks he can get me back with a text or a call. It might sound childish but I was incredibly hurt at him deleting me and now I really don't know what to do, stand my ground and show him that I was serious? Answer his calls/texts? What? Anyone have a helpful opinion? I'd be really grateful, thanks. I think you should stand your ground and know that you are standing up for yourself, even though it hurts. My read of your situation is that you were okay with him being married and having an affair, but when he wanted you to directly participate in the deception, you balked. The sneaking around and deception gets to a lot of OW at some point, as only a few get off on the deception itself. If you cave and join his secret account, he will have you compromising your feelings and ethics in order to have your direct help in deceiving his W. That is likely to bring you even more pain in the future than anything you are feeling now. As to whether you answer him and still refuse to join his secret account, that is a question for you. Now that the reality of him protecting his M at your expense has been made explicit, do you really want to continue on with him, even if you don't join his secret account? 1
skywriter Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 bluemist, It sounds as though his W is inquisitive. It might bode well for you to be inquisitive as well. She may know what he's capable of and it could be he's given her reasons in the past to not turn a blind eye. I am not the type to dismiss things so lightly anymore, and if my gut talks, I listen.
MissBee Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 What do you hope to gain by answering his texts/calls? Him texting and calling you most likely doesn't mean the situation has changed. He is probably surprised that you have really shut him out when he's not done playing, so to speak. If you want to move on from a situation, that you yourself feel won't go anywhere and you'll be second in, keep ignoring him. You told him your boundary and what you'd do if he crossed it...he crossed it...you stuck to it. Good for you! It's not always easy. But I suggest not reneging. Just move on from him because you'll feel 10 X worse if you let him in again, restart the A, and then at some other point he pulls some other stunt that disrespects you and makes you know exactly that you're the "bit on the side", you'll want to kick yourself for coming back willingly versus moving on when you first had the chance. Good luck! 1
Emme Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 To cut a long story short, he deleted me from his social networking site this week, after 8 months; apparently out of concern that his wife was going to come across my name on there. I'm trying to even fathom how you even became friends on a networking site. That's a no no out the gate. Anyway. Fitz is on point. The thing is, after you being on his list for 8 months (which is a long time) isn't enough to just erase you. He is hiding you but possibly not from his wife alone. A mutual friend or another lover, pick one. Look at the bright side of things though. He's helped you to begin the thought process of what's truly happening around you. He shot himself in the foot. You're one lucky woman.
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