emilyleigh Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months...for 7 months we had a normal relationship and for the past 4 months we've been in an LDR. I knew a LDR would be difficult but thought it would be do able since we love each other so much and because in a year or two I would be able to move out and we could live with each other. I don't think I can meet anyone else who would love me as much as he does. He's always been so sweet and affectionate, and would send me texts/emails every morning, want to talk, would say he misses me/loves me, etc. But, as soon as we entered out LDR, it all stopped. I thought, okay, I will put in some effort, it shouldn't always be him. So I text him every morning, started a private blog for him where I'd put in notes, things that remind me of him/us, songs, videos, pictures, etc. I sent him a package filled with things I knew he would like. I'd call, ask to Skype. But he wouldn't do anything. So I stopped it for a week and he wouldn't talk to me...if he did, he'd send a text and when I respond he'd ignore it until the next day. I mentioned how I felt sad we weren't talking to much and he told me if i wanted to talk, then just call/text. He doesn't seem to get that I'd like for him to put some effort into this, that it would reassure me and make me feel loved if every once in a while he was the one to say, "I miss you, can we Skype later on?" So, I tried to keep going with it, but the relationship has left me sad. I love him but now more than before is when I need attention, when we need to talk more. I thought he would know it, he's not young and immature. I'm 18 and he's 47. I want to be with him more than anything but if it's just constant crying I don't know how I can deal with it. A few weeks ago his dad passed away so I put that all aside and tried to be there for him the best I could, even with the distance. I knew I wouldn't hear from him much, especially when he went to stay with his mom for a week where there's horrible reception. Although he was calm the entire time, because he was expecting this to happen, I know he has to feel sad inside. He's been acting very normal, and when I sent him texts/emails and he had enough signal to actually send something back he told me he missed me and missed talking to me, seemed like he was okay. When he went back home and I try to talk to him, he doesn't say much. Even if he contacts me first and I reply, he ignores me right after. I figured nothing would change during this LDR and I've spent the whole time in our LDR crying. I don't want to tell him "do this, do that, or I'm breaking up with you" because I don't think ultimatums are good and anything changed afterwards would feel forced. I broke up with him today and he was just silent. It was so hard for me to do and now I just feel horrible thinking about how he feels. Should I have done something differently? I don't know what to do at all.
Theodore Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hello Emily! I feel like you did the right thing. The most important thing to consider in a relationship is your own happiness. If the relationship doesnt make you happy then dont settle. You deserve better than that. You deserve a man who will make you feel happy and loved every day. A man you cannot wait to see every moment you get to see him. Yes, tears and anger do come with every relationship but it is the man who stands by your side to help you through these times in the relationship who is a real keeper. Not someone you have to tell to stand by your side. Maintaining a happy and healthy relationship requires two people, not one. If he isnt willing to put in the effort to make this stage of your relationship work then he probably wont put in the effort to fix small problems that occur later on when the relationship becomes more serious. It is better to end it this way than to figure out down the road when you are married and have children with him that he is not the man willing to provide, protect, and love you. As hard as breaking up with him was, a divorce would have been much much MUCH worse. It is not your responsibility to tell him what to do to make you happy. If I have any advice to give to you, it is to never doubt yourself. You broke up with this guy because (by the sound of it) he didnt respect you or your feelings and he didnt put in the effort to making the relationship work (lack of communication with you). Being 18 and young, there is no rush for finding someone you have to settle down with. Consider this break up a time you can reflect on yourself. Im sure you have dreams, a hobby, a passion. Find the things beyond a relationship that will make you happy. You have so many opportunities to find Mr. Right be it at college, work, etc. but for now, just live life. Enjoy doing the things you love to do because, lets face it, we are only young once . I hope my advice helps you. If you have any questions feel free to ask.
Stoneman70 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 You are 18...and he is 47? I know that is legal...but I think this man is way too old for you and you are on completely different wave lengths. How did you two even meet?? It sounds like he is not as interested in you since you are now in a LDR. I think you did the right thing by breaking up with him. You are so young! Find someone close to your age and have fun! You are still just a kid!
Professor X Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 I'm 18 and he's 47. LOL, that's where I stopped reading.
TripLine Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 LOL, that's where I stopped reading. same. Teenagers, I tell ya...
Trimmer Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Wow, my irony alarm is going off... It is not your responsibility to tell him what to do to make you happy. ...he didnt put in the effort to making the relationship work (lack of communication with you). So it's not her responsibility to communicate what she needs in the relationship, yet he's responsible for poor communication? To the OP: I don't want to tell him "do this, do that, or I'm breaking up with you" because I don't think ultimatums are good and anything changed afterwards would feel forced. So are you saying that you never sat down and had a heart to heart conversation, something along the lines of "this is what I need to make this relationship work..."? At least if you do this you get one of two outcomes: either things change for the better, and you know for sure that he is willing to address your needs, or things don't change and you know for sure that he had a clear chance, but chose not to meet your needs. If you don't have this kind of conversation (because you "don't think ultimatums are good...") then you can't be sure whether he didn't care to meet your needs, or if he just wasn't a good mind reader.
ladyabstrused Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I'm 18 and he's 47. And I thought my previous relationship (17 years age difference) had a pretty big gap. I figured nothing would change during this LDR and I've spent the whole time in our LDR crying. I don't want to tell him "do this, do that, or I'm breaking up with you" because I don't think ultimatums are good and anything changed afterwards would feel forced. I broke up with him today and he was just silent. It was so hard for me to do and now I just feel horrible thinking about how he feels. Should I have done something differently? I don't know what to do at all. If you're spending so much time crying in this relationship, something's not right. You have to get out of it...for your own benefit. I couldn't when I was there at your place somewhat, but now that I'm out, it feels a lot better honestly. You'll meet new people, make new friends, live life the way you should be living. In my opinion, I think you did the right thing. Fret not, things will get better. Don't turn back now, just keep moving forward.
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