Dime_Girl Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Hey All! I'm new to this site and I'm looking for some real-life advice with something I've been dealing with. I know this will be long but if you can PLEASE PLEASE read through it all so I can get some help on this. I'm 20 and I've known my ex since we were in junior high school. We were best friends ever since and we always had a thing for each other but he had a gf so we didn't explore it until after he broke up with her and we started to go out during our junior year in high school. Everything was great until we went to college. Now just to give some insight on what kind of guy my ex is - he's a player. He was a player in high school and I believe he is now but we'll get to that. We went to college away from each other but tried to stay together during our freshman year. At the end of that year, I found out he had been sleeping all over the school with all kinds of girls and he actually had a girl who developed feelings for him and it was rumored that they were in a relationship. When I found out, I confronted him with her on the phone and he pretty much down-played what they had but she was convinced that they were in a relationship but he kept saying they did spend time together but they were not in a relationship... Okay, whatever. Eventually, I got over this but we never officially got back together, we kept doing the "we don't know if we're together but we act like we are when we're around each other" thing. He went to another school in Atlanta for the fall 2010 semester so naturally being in Atlanta there are a lot of distractions. I found out he was doing the same thing he had always done and there was one particular girl he kept going back to; (let's call her Elizabeth). I saw him December 2010 and basically told him that either he cleans up his act or I was done. He said he wanted us to just stay cool until after college and see if we still had any feelings after college. I said no. We eventually grew to be hostile towards each other for the entire first half of 2011. It wasn't until the summer that we spoke on good terms. We went back to school fall 2011 not really speaking but we started to speak more and more all the way up until now. NOW.. I find out that he is basically in a relationship with Elizabeth who 1) has a kid & 2) lives in Atlanta. The reason I mention these things is because my ex lives in NY so that's far from Atlanta and he would never move out of NY and he doesn't want to deal long-term with a child. With that being said, I don't know if he's serious about this girl or if he's just being a college boy because he's an athlete, he's very attractive and he loves the attention he gets from females and i know he cheats on his girlfriend he has now, not b/c I know him but I know for a fact he cheats on her with a bunch of girls. He always told me that we would always love each other and that it doesn't matter if we separated and got new people in our lives, that when the time comes for him to settle down and get married and have kids that he would want to do this with me. He's my best friend and still is and I don't know if i should still wait or if I should move one because he has a new girlfriend. I'm thinking he's in college and he's going to have fun and meet new girls and I knew he would possibly have a girlfriend at some point in time during college but I never thought of it actually happening. I don't know how I can be in love with him, be his best friend (which means we talk as if there are no feelings, which is hard to do) while he has a girlfriend. I want to ignore it b/c he's young and people break up all the time for dumb things so I'm not hoping they break up but I'm thinking if I should wait b/c I'm the kind of person that once I cut him off so I can try to get over him and move on, I will cut him off for good and we have so much history together (friendship & relationship-wise). I really don't know what to do. I know he sounds like an ******* and I'm going to sound like a naive girl, but he's a good person when I'm with him. I haven't spoken to him about my feelings because I feel like he would look at me as pathetic and he has a girlfriend now so listening to me talk about the past and all that is probably not what he wants to do. Let me just be clear because some people may be in denial but I am not.. I want to be with him! I do. Maybe not now because we're so far away from each other, but eventually once we graduate, if the possibility is there, i do. I have the discipline in me to wait for him until we graduate because we have one year left and we're done. So I have no problem waiting but I don't know if I should. I want to let him know that after all our history I feel like I'm waiting and I want him to tell me if I should. I don't even need him to give me a reason but I just want a yes or a no answer BUT I don't know if this is a conversation that should take place because he has a girlfriend now and it may be disrespectful but if he cheats on her, he must not really care about her but this is the same girl he was messing with a year ago so they must have some kind of feelings. In my mind, it's either 1) his relationship with this girl is innocent being in college and will end at college because they live so far away or 2) it's not innocent, in which case I don't want to stick around for it. And I don't know how to find this out without bringing it up to him. Like I said, he's been my best friend for almost half my life and we love each other but idk what to do. Thanks for reading if you got this far and please comment if you can!
d'Arthez Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 (edited) Now just to give some insight on what kind of guy my ex is - he's a player. He was a player in high school and I believe he is now but we'll get to that. When I found out, I confronted him with her on the phone and he pretty much down-played what they had but she was convinced that they were in a relationship but he kept saying they did spend time together but they were not in a relationship... Okay, whatever. I found out he was doing the same thing he had always done and there was one particular girl he kept going back to; (let's call her Elizabeth). I saw him December 2010 and basically told him that either he cleans up his act or I was done. He said he wanted us to just stay cool until after college and see if we still had any feelings after college.I said no. With that being said, I don't know if he's serious about this girl or if he's just being a college boy because he's an athlete, he's very attractive and he loves the attention he gets from females and i know he cheats on his girlfriend he has now, not b/c I know him but I know for a fact he cheats on her with a bunch of girls. How many warning signs do you need to see that this guy is not worth waiting for?? He is feeding you tons of bullsh*t, just to keep you hooked on him. The red flags are bigger than the state of Texas, and you keep happily ignoring them. Why? He always told me that we would always love each other and that it doesn't matter if we separated and got new people in our lives, that when the time comes for him to settle down and get married and have kids that he would want to do this with me. Obviously, he'd pick you, since he is screwing around on you and his current girlfriend(s) left, right and center. And you are perfectly okay with it. Are you a human doormat? I'm thinking he's in college and he's going to have fun and meet new girls and I knew he would possibly have a girlfriend at some point in time during college but I never thought of it actually happening. He is your ex. He has a history of screwing around in committed relationships. So why would one even expect a horny player to stay celibate? I want to ignore it b/c he's young and people break up all the time for dumb things so I'm not hoping they break up but I'm thinking if I should wait b/c I'm the kind of person that once I cut him off so I can try to get over him and move on, I will cut him off for good and we have so much history together (friendship & relationship-wise). Cheating, and displaying serious character flaws are good grounds to break up in my book. Or just about anyone's books. That he keeps you addicted by feeding you 12 tons of cr*p a day, is not noble. Why do you even contemplate a future with him?? You can do better. I really don't know what to do. I know he sounds like an ******* and I'm going to sound like a naive girl, but he's a good person when I'm with him. It is not about whether or not he is good when you are with him. It is about whether he is good when you are not around him. Other than keeping the local STD checkup clinic going, I don't see how his behavior can even be considered as anything resembling decent. I haven't spoken to him about my feelings because I feel like he would look at me as pathetic and he has a girlfriend now so listening to me talk about the past and all that is probably not what he wants to do. Speak to him, and tell him to stop contacting you. Let me just be clear because some people may be in denial but I am not.. I want to be with him! I do. You are not in denial. You are highly delusional if you think he is relationship material. Honestly, you can do better; he won't change just because of you. Hell, if he had wanted you he would have a) made a commitment to you; b) not stick his penis in everything that is female. I have the discipline in me to wait for him until we graduate because we have one year left and we're done. That would be wasting yet another year of your life. Earth to Dime_girl: YOU CAN DO BETTER!!! I want to let him know that after all our history I feel like I'm waiting and I want him to tell me if I should. I don't even need him to give me a reason but I just want a yes or a no answer BUT I don't know if this is a conversation that should take place because he has a girlfriend now and it may be disrespectful but if he cheats on her, he must not really care about her but this is the same girl he was messing with a year ago so they must have some kind of feelings. And what makes you think you will get a better treatment from him? He'll be screwing around on you left right and center as well. That is even more likely since you have repeatedly given him the message that that is okay with you! In my mind, it's either 1) his relationship with this girl is innocent being in college and will end at college because they live so far away or 2) it's not innocent, in which case I don't want to stick around for it. What matters is that this is a relationship he chose to be in. Whether or not he keeps Elizabeth around, and does some screwing on the side in NYC, is inconsequential. If he had wanted to be with you during that time he would have tried to get in a relationship with you (and cheat on you because of the distance, but obviously you have no problem with that). And I don't know how to find this out without bringing it up to him. Like I said, he's been my best friend for almost half my life and we love each other but idk what to do. Thanks for reading if you got this far and please comment if you can! Seriously think about what kind of guy you are wanting to marry. Once you figure that out, this question becomes meaningless. Edited June 2, 2012 by d'Arthez
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