Badsingularity Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Simply because if it could be learned, more people will have it. If it can be learned, it is certainly something that's not easy. I guess I went from a guy who used to blush, stumble over his words, and not be able to make eye contact while talking to women. To one who has no trouble making eye contact, who doesn't blush, who doesn't stumble over his words and has no trouble at all talking to women. Even having women go out of there way to try to talk to and be near me by using magic. No. It was not magic. I made it happen. It took a long time, alot of practice, socializing and pushing myself out of my comfort zones to get where I am today. It is not easy. It is hard. That is precisely why you don't see a lot of people with it. 4
TheSingleGuy Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Women have it so easy. They have to be concerned with one attraction switch when it comes to men, and that is looks. If a woman has good looks, she can get a man. Doesn't mean she can keep him, but she can get an audition. Men, on the other hand, not so easy. We have to realize and manage six different primary attraction switches. Looks Voice tone Income/ambition Confidence Social skill/charisma Height And a guy can blow his opportunity for an audition by failing the sniff test in just one of these categories. Like I say, if a woman has the looks, she can get the audition. Not so simple with men. You'll never see a thread on here telling women to go take acting classes or act more like someone else in order to get first dates.
somedude81 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I guess I went from a guy who used to blush, stumble over his words, and not be able to make eye contact while talking to women. To one who has no trouble making eye contact, who doesn't blush, who doesn't stumble over his words and has no trouble at all talking to women. That has nothing to do with charisma. It's simply confidence and learning how to properly communicate. Even having women go out of there way to try to talk to and be near me by using magic. No. It was not magic. That's charisma. It's almost like magic. It's beyond what is normally expected. I can do the bold just fine, but I don't have that magical appeal. I made it happen. It took a long time, alot of practice, socializing and pushing myself out of my comfort zones to get where I am today. It is not easy. It is hard. That is precisely why you don't see a lot of people with it. Were you able to notice a change? Like going from below normal, to normal, then to above it?
2sunny Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Some charismatic people I love being around - but I always have that underlying suspicion that makes me not trust them. I like them as my friends - but I wouldn't date them. Too many people vying for their attention. Don't try to be something you're not - just be authentic. My younger son is very charismatic! Even as a baby - people would come to him likes magnet!!! It was crazy! He just "had it" - and everyone loved to interact with him. My older son was shy and reserved. Very genuine though. So much beauty in both of them each being their authentic selves.
Badsingularity Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I can do the bold just fine, but I don't have that magical appeal. Were you able to notice a change? Like going from below normal, to normal, then to above it? Yes , confidence is a huge part of charisma. What I'm telling you is that you can learn to become confident and charismatic. I know, because I did. It is hard and it can take years if you are starting from a place of low selfesteem, but you can do it if continually try. You have to put yourself in more social situations and you have to do things that you are scared to do ( or as you say sometimes, don't see any point in doing) even when you are scared to do so. You have to say and "I can" instead of saying "I can't". If you don't do this you will not improve. I didn't have that "magical appeal" in the past. I do now and I had to earn it. Ask more women out. Don't try to get to know them first. That is what dates are for. 1
2sunny Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Anyone can read how to win friends and influence people. It gives instruction on being INTERESTED ENOUGH TO. INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE on a genuine level. Anyone can ask another person questions - but when you get the answer and ask further while holding eye contact - that shows a person that you think they are important. Then when you bump into them in4 or 5 months and ask again (yes, remembering) how their area of interest is going - THAT tells them YOU are participating on a meaningful level that cares enough to remember what the said. 2
ThaWholigan Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Some charismatic people I love being around - but I always have that underlying suspicion that makes me not trust them. I like them as my friends - but I wouldn't date them. Too many people vying for their attention. Don't try to be something you're not - just be authentic. My younger son is very charismatic! Even as a baby - people would come to him likes magnet!!! It was crazy! He just "had it" - and everyone loved to interact with him. My older son was shy and reserved. Very genuine though. So much beauty in both of them each being their authentic selves. Sounds like me and my little brother . I was the reserved one, and he was the charismatic people person. Everyone loves him, he naturally draws people to him . Interestingly, people tend to gravitate towards me as well, without my knowledge. My mum tells me that I was a favorite among babysitters because they would watch me for hours while I sat in silence making stuff, or playing my piano and talking to myself . It's taken a while for me to become comfortable being my authentic self around people, but I'm getting there, and I'm finding that being charismatic is starting to come naturally to me. Just putting yourself out there in social situations and experimenting (like a social scientist ) does the trick.
ThaWholigan Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Anyone can read how to win friends and influence people. It gives instruction on being INTERESTED ENOUGH TO. INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE on a genuine level. Anyone can ask another person questions - but when you get the answer and ask further while holding eye contact - that shows a person that you think they are important. Then when you bump into them in4 or 5 months and ask again (yes, remembering) how their area of interest is going - THAT tells them YOU are participating on a meaningful level that cares enough to remember what the said. Agree with this. Nothing is more charismatic than genuinely being interested in people and getting to know them. 2
marsha80 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 OP -- Charisma is always fun to be around, but if that's all that there is; a bubbly personality but lacking in honest intentions, it will only attract the moths. It's not a magic trait in attracting women (not all women), but if that's all you're using for bait, well then... you're just fishing for sardine. And, there are a lot of them (male and female). blegh. 1
somedude81 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Yes , confidence is a huge part of charisma. What I'm telling you is that you can learn to become confident and charismatic. I know, because I did. It is hard and it can take years if you are starting from a place of low selfesteem, but you can do it if continually try. You have to put yourself in more social situations and you have to do things that you are scared to do ( or as you say sometimes, don't see any point in doing) even when you are scared to do so. You have to say and "I can" instead of saying "I can't". If you don't do this you will not improve. I didn't have that "magical appeal" in the past. I do now and I had to earn it. I really don't think that the same steps to become confident are the same as becoming charismatic. There are many people who have confidence but aren't charismatic. Ask more women out. Don't try to get to know them first. That is what dates are for. That's something I want to talk about when I get back to my dating thread.
somedude81 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Agree with this. Nothing is more charismatic than genuinely being interested in people and getting to know them. Sure that sounds great, but not everybody wants just anybody to get to know them. In other words, I would love to get to know many girls better, but if they won't let me, then there it's not going to happen. A big part of charisma is getting people to want to let you in.
wordrock Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Women have it so easy. They have to be concerned with one attraction switch when it comes to men, and that is looks. If a woman has good looks, she can get a man. Doesn't mean she can keep him, but she can get an audition. Except that it's not a numbers game for a woman who wants more than guys who just want to **** her. Anyway, for those of you upset about the male/female roles in courtship ought to take a look at mammal pairing in general. It is natural for females to be the choosers, and the males to display what they have to offer. Get used to it. It's going to be that way whether the woman is chasing or you are. You want to be noticed? Find a way to show you have more than the guys next to you... but instead of trying to change yourself to match what traits a woman you're chasing likes... put your real traits forward and find a woman who likes them. Then pursue her and don't worry about the others.
wordrock Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Sure that sounds great, but not everybody wants just anybody to get to know them. In other words, I would love to get to know many girls better, but if they won't let me, then there it's not going to happen. If they don't want to know you, you've got two real choices. First is... who cares. Don't bother with them. Second. If you really feel they'll like you if they just get to see a bit more of you, keep trying. You'll need to be good at judging intent and character. A large part of being charismatic is recognizing and adapting to the mood of others. If a girl ignores you, won't talk to you, or belittles you... then option one every time.
ThaWholigan Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I really don't think that the same steps to become confident are the same as becoming charismatic. There are many people who have confidence but aren't charismatic. There is a difference between being confident and being charismatic, yes. However, a confidence that comes from a place of inner peace and happiness can indeed produce a charismatic and magnetic effect, as people will want to be around someone who is so comfortable with oneself. Sure that sounds great, but not everybody wants just anybody to get to know them. Understood. You just forget about those people and move on, continue to socialize and acquaint yourself with others. Usually as I became better at socializing and built up a bigger circle of friends, those who were more lukewarm in my presence began to open up and become more friendly. This is because I stopped letting their bull***** get me down or affect me. As I'm coming to realize (which I already guessed), it's exactly the same with girls (because you know, girls are human too ). In other words, I would love to get to know many girls better, but if they won't let me, then there it's not going to happen. Question: Why do you want to get to know those girls? Where's the intent coming from? Is it because you actively want to contribute to their lives and help them to have fun and be happier? Or because you want something from them in return? Not an attack, an honest question. It's kind of a moot point question, because I think becoming comfortable with yourself and your intents and purpose/s. A big part of charisma is getting people to want to let you in. When talking about natural charisma, it's crucial to understand that this is mostly an unconscious phenomenon, rather than an active pursuit of someone's interest. Basically, it's a part of charisma, but more like a big side effect than a big component.
Badsingularity Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I really don't think that the same steps to become confident are the same as becoming charismatic. There are many people who have confidence but aren't charismatic. They were exactly the same for me. I have told you what to do to get out of your rut. Don't let fear keep stopping you. 1
Necris Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I guess I went from a guy who used to blush, stumble over his words, and not be able to make eye contact while talking to women. To one who has no trouble making eye contact, who doesn't blush, who doesn't stumble over his words and has no trouble at all talking to women. Even having women go out of there way to try to talk to and be near me by using magic. No. It was not magic. I made it happen. It took a long time, alot of practice, socializing and pushing myself out of my comfort zones to get where I am today. It is not easy. It is hard. That is precisely why you don't see a lot of people with it. Doing the bolded is easy I can do that I used to have issues with that but I got over it by no longer caring so talking to women, making eye contact, and such comes natural. Though I do stumble over my words occassionally, but that's due to a speech impediment I have for me for whatever reason I have to concentrate just to speak in a coherent manner but most of the time I'm able to speak normally so this is a non-issue. Now the italicized is the thing I don't get, what kind of magic are you using? Obviously you aren't just making eye contact, not blushing, not stumbling over words and just talking normally, there is something else something "magical" that you have about you making women want to be near you, this something is something I'll never understand. I guess if I spend years studying human behavior and women I might be able to come up with a formula for charisma.
Badsingularity Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Now the italicized is the thing I don't get, what kind of magic are you using? Obviously you aren't just making eye contact, not blushing, not stumbling over words and just talking normally, there is something else something "magical" that you have about you making women want to be near you, this something is something I'll never understand. Women are attracted to a mans inner strength. This inner strength comes from facing hard things in life and overcoming them. Staring fear in the face and walking through it. Doing things that are hard, but have to be done. I've dealt with some unpleasent things in my life and was put into situations where I could be defeated or I could rise to the occasion. When I was younger and let everything defeat me I could attract no women. Nowadays I let little to nothing defeat me and I am confident in my abilities and my will. I feel this inside me when I talk to women and the more I feel this strength the more women seem to be attracted to me. This deep strength, self belief, and confidence is the "magic" 6
wordrock Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Women are attracted to a mans inner strength. This inner strength comes from facing hard things in life and overcoming them. Staring fear in the face and walking through it. Doing things that are hard, but have to be done. I've dealt with some unpleasent things in my life and was put into situations where I could be defeated or I could rise to the occasion. When I was younger and let everything defeat me I could attract no women. Nowadays I let little to nothing defeat me and I am confident in my abilities and my will. I feel this inside me when I talk to women and the more I feel this strength the more women seem to be attracted to me. This deep strength, self belief, and confidence is the "magic" This is truth. You young guys who don't understand yet should heed. Life is never stable and perfect... I've gone through things that I thought would make me unacceptable to some people, but instead they respect me all the more for it. I've often been told by older men that if you get through something and think you've been through the worst, you are wrong. Rather than get stressed or anxious about that, it's made me focus more on the positive things and savor them. If you want to know what traits a love interest respects, ask her about the kind of people who have impressed her most in life. Often, courage in the face of adversity is one of them. 1
somedude81 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 So now charisma has changed into something you get from going through the tough events in life...?
ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Women are attracted to a mans inner strength. This inner strength comes from facing hard things in life and overcoming them. Staring fear in the face and walking through it. Doing things that are hard, but have to be done. I've dealt with some unpleasent things in my life and was put into situations where I could be defeated or I could rise to the occasion. When I was younger and let everything defeat me I could attract no women. Nowadays I let little to nothing defeat me and I am confident in my abilities and my will. I feel this inside me when I talk to women and the more I feel this strength the more women seem to be attracted to me. This deep strength, self belief, and confidence is the "magic" quoted to emphasize. This is probably one of the most true postings written here on LS. 2 thumbs up. 1
Monm82 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Why is confidence so important in men? Women don't have to be confident to get dates. Most people aren't truly confident anyway.
Badsingularity Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Why is confidence so important in men? Women don't have to be confident to get dates. Most people aren't truly confident anyway. For all of human history until very recently men protected women. A unconfident, weak willed man, full of fear, could not protect a woman from anything. Women sense this and are not attracted to these traits because of that. Women are naturally drawn and attracted to strong men. Men who can overcome adversity. Men who win.
wordrock Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) Why is confidence so important in men? Women don't have to be confident to get dates. Most people aren't truly confident anyway. With most mammals, males tend to pursue and impress females who typically chooses which male(s) to mate with. This isn't always the case of course, but generally male mammals that exhibit inhibited or cowed appearances tend not to mate at all. Generally that is considered adolescent behavior... ie, they appear to not be fully mature. They also tend to be scared off by more aggressive males. Human courtship is definitely a bit more complicated, but generally a man without confidence will not initiate contact with an attractive female at all. Those that do will appear meek and thus immature. That isn't a particularly attractive trait. It doesn't send the signal "I am attracted to you" to a woman, but tends to make the male appear confused. Many men who complain about being unable to attract women tend to fall in the above two categories... if a man doesn't think he's worthy of a woman, why should she? Again that's a bit general. There are other factors involved as well... such as attempting to gain the attention of a woman who has better prospects etc... but why chance it. If you are a man and want to pair up with a quality woman, be a quality guy... emotionally, physically, and socially. Edited June 10, 2012 by wordrock 1
SarahRose Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Women have it so easy. They have to be concerned with one attraction switch when it comes to men, and that is looks. If a woman has good looks, she can get a man. Doesn't mean she can keep him, but she can get an audition. Men, on the other hand, not so easy. We have to realize and manage six different primary attraction switches. Looks Voice tone Income/ambition Confidence Social skill/charisma Height And a guy can blow his opportunity for an audition by failing the sniff test in just one of these categories. Like I say, if a woman has the looks, she can get the audition. Not so simple with men. You'll never see a thread on here telling women to go take acting classes or act more like someone else in order to get first dates. what about just plain old ugly women? it is doubtful they can get a super hot male. Anyone can get a boyfriend or girlfriend. you just need to find someone near the same level you are. looks are king. the guy could be the most worthless deadbeat and they will have no trouble getting a girlfriend. then there is money. a guy can look like quasi modo and have a stable of hot gold diggers lined up for him if you don't have these two things don't delude yourself into thinking some tricks are going to land you a supermodel. find a nice girl or guy on your level and be happy.
Recommended Posts