CherryBella Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Hi, I've been in a long distance relationship for over 9 months now, never met anyone like him, we get on ridiculously well, I always go and see him regularly, we're 2 hours away on a coach, so it works quite nicely. We've had our ups and downs, most relationships do. We've had mostly ups though. One thing my boyfriend suffers from is post-traumatic stress from when he was in the army, he's been out for over 2 years now though. I came to terms with the fact he doesnt like to discuss army-related stuff, which is fine, I understand that, and will talk to me one day when he is ready. But my issue at the moment is he won't talk to me at all! He was quiet yesterday, a little bit "off" in texts, then practically didnt contact me for over 24 hours. I text him this morning saying "Hello?" He replied saying how tired and busy he is, and that he's taking some time out from texting people (INCLUDING ME APPARENTLY!) he said he got angry last week for no reason and doesnt want to take it out on anybody, and just needs some space and time to think. I said he could talk to me, but he said he cant and that i wont understand and he just needs a bit of time, so I asked if I had done anything and he said "No" really bluntly. The only thing I can think of is he bumped into this girl he served with in the army yesterday morning (when he started to act weird with me) ... But he just wont communicate with me, it's causing me anxiety and worry. How can he just stop talking to me? Im his girlfriend, if somethings wrong he should be able to talk to me at least. I dont really know how to feel. Any ideas/suggestions?
d'Arthez Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Without knowing more: Could be that the PTSD is really kicking in. Assuming he actually did run into this girl (it is not clear from your post if you are assuming that or if you know it to be true): she with whom he served may have brought up some memories, inadvertently. If that is the case he does need some time on his own, and it would not be a bad idea for him to get some professional help. The other option is less heartening, but from the actions in the past week, I think it is far less likely that something is going on between the two of them. In both cases, he is likely to shut you out, because he does not want to involve you in a battle that is not yours to fight. The best thing you can do is give him time and space. When he does contact you, bring up the idea that he could perhaps get some professional help for his PTSD.
Author CherryBella Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 Without knowing more: Could be that the PTSD is really kicking in. Assuming he actually did run into this girl (it is not clear from your post if you are assuming that or if you know it to be true): she with whom he served may have brought up some memories, inadvertently. If that is the case he does need some time on his own, and it would not be a bad idea for him to get some professional help. The other option is less heartening, but from the actions in the past week, I think it is far less likely that something is going on between the two of them. In both cases, he is likely to shut you out, because he does not want to involve you in a battle that is not yours to fight. The best thing you can do is give him time and space. When he does contact you, bring up the idea that he could perhaps get some professional help for his PTSD. Oh no no I dont believe anything is going on between them it's more likely it bought back memories, but thats not what hes saying he needs space for, its his anger for no reason, and doesnt want to lash out at people. He's mentioned getting help before, but I honestly cant see him actually going to do that.
d'Arthez Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Oh no no I dont believe anything is going on between them it's more likely it bought back memories, but thats not what hes saying he needs space for, its his anger for no reason, and doesnt want to lash out at people. He's mentioned getting help before, but I honestly cant see him actually going to do that. The PTSD may cause the random bursts of anger. That is why I thought it would be the PTSD that is playing up again, and it would perfectly explain why he does not want to involve you in this. He may even be afraid of doing something stupid in front of you (or against you). The other explanation would be a "normal" anger management issue. In both cases he needs to get an understanding of what triggers his anger, and he needs to work on overcoming these issues. I'd strongly suggest that he does seek professional help, else it will in all likelihood get worse and worse with time. That is definitely something you can encourage him to do, when he contacts you again.
Author CherryBella Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 The PTSD may cause the random bursts of anger. That is why I thought it would be the PTSD that is playing up again, and it would perfectly explain why he does not want to involve you in this. He may even be afraid of doing something stupid in front of you (or against you). The other explanation would be a "normal" anger management issue. In both cases he needs to get an understanding of what triggers his anger, and he needs to work on overcoming these issues. I'd strongly suggest that he does seek professional help, else it will in all likelihood get worse and worse with time. That is definitely something you can encourage him to do, when he contacts you again. I know, you're right - it's just that we're long distance, and the fact he's cut out communication... we kinda dont have a relationship right now because he refuses to talk to me and his "having his space". I just feel so lost, and angry that he could put me through waiting for him to have space. I'd rather he talked to me and be angry and get it off his chest whatever is bothering him rather than bottling it up. Guess all I can do is wait, but I am not happy about this - and when he crawls back i'll be having words.
d'Arthez Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 I just feel so lost, and angry that he could put me through waiting for him to have space. I'd rather he talked to me and be angry and get it off his chest whatever is bothering him rather than bottling it up. This is where a lot of people struggle. He'd rather not involve you, because he knows he has a problem, and he does not want to take it out on you. If you don't know what causes your anger, and how it is triggered, it is the sensible thing to do, to cut off (at least to his mind). Having to deal with the additional stress that comes with the relationship may be too much for him. He needs to figure himself out before he can maintain a good relationship. The question for him is, is he willing to work on his issues? For you: are you willing to wait?
Author CherryBella Posted June 3, 2012 Author Posted June 3, 2012 This is where a lot of people struggle. He'd rather not involve you, because he knows he has a problem, and he does not want to take it out on you. If you don't know what causes your anger, and how it is triggered, it is the sensible thing to do, to cut off (at least to his mind). Having to deal with the additional stress that comes with the relationship may be too much for him. He needs to figure himself out before he can maintain a good relationship. The question for him is, is he willing to work on his issues? For you: are you willing to wait? I think i'd be more willing to wait if he actually told me why he got angry, or why he needs to cut contact besides his weak excuse. Or just tell me he think hes needs to see someone as his ptsd is worsening (he would never admit that though).. I woke up this morning with anxiety, I often do when things are not right. I just know that one day this week, he'll text me saying "Hey Sweety, how're you today? Love you" like nothing would have happened. But unfortunately I can't just let it slide, because these kinda things (which arent often thankfully, infact hes never wanted space before) give me bad anxiety to the point I feel really poorly. Still no texts today, he's coming to see me in 7 days, he's coming to see my degree show as my family can't make it. Quite scared he'll bail. Still feeling very lost this morning. And thank you for taking the time to read and reply Arthez.
d'Arthez Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 If he does show up, tell him he really needs to get the PTSD / anger management issue sorted. It is only fair on the both of you that steps will be made to address this particular issue. If he is unwilling to, or not willing to make the actual effort you'll be better off going your separate ways. It is quite natural to feel anxious when you are faced with a situation like this. You simply don't know where you stand, and there is nothing you can do to resolve the issue just yet. Anxiety is hard to live with. The best thing you can do is try to keep yourself occupied, and do things you enjoy. It is only one week, and then you will have some resolution to this particular conflict.
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