calndn Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 So I've been dating someone for 5 months it's been amazing especially at the beginning. We've been away together for weekends. We've been on lovely dates he took me away for my birthday he's met my parents and my friends. I've met his friends. He told me early on that he couldn't stop thinking about me and always wanted to see me. He also told me that no woman has ever been able to put up with the fact that his job comes first. He's a very successful man owns his own company which is hugely successful but he works so hard and all hours for it. We see eachother at least once a week though. Anyway so he was going away and I felt I just had to ask him where I stood as nothing had ever been said. I chickened out doing it face to face and sent a message. Not ideal I know. He responded with the fact that he likes me loves spending time with me and thinks I'm gorgeous but that he isn't looking for something serious at the moment and feels that he cant give me anything serious because he's married to his job. He said that he wasn't saying that wouldn't change. I asked him if that meant he was seeing others or wanting to see others which he said he wasn't like that and didn't believe in it and no he wasn't seeing anyone else. Thing is I didn't even ask if he wanted something serious I merely asked where I stood (basically wether we were exclusive in the dating sense) I said I didn't want to change anything or add pressure. Anyway I also said was I just a casual fling for him he said no it's more than casual but you know at the same time my life is complicated and my job is my life. So anyway he gos away for nearly two weeks after that. I hear from him over the wkend then nothing for 5 days then again over the following weekend. He then gets back and I didn't hear anything so I just asked him if he was ok and that it felt like I hadn't spoken to him properly for ages he said he felt the same and that he was stressed out with work. I asked if he could do something on the weekend but i couldnt do the day he suggested so I then just said ok well perhaps you could do Monday or Tuesday. This was yesterday afternoon and I haven't heard back. I feel like I'm putting in more effort nd not getting the response I used to before I said something to him!! He's honest and I trust him so I'd hope he would just turn around and say if he wanted things to finish....especially after 5 months! I deserve to be told! I might just be paranoid it might well be the fact that because the euro zone is crashing and the stock markets are down his job right now is crazy but I can't help thinking maybe he's thinking differently about the situation!! Not sure what to make of it???
travelbug1996 Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Stop making excuses for him. Clearly you are not a priority for him so don't allow yourself to be an option. Stop taking his calls and stop calling him. He's not all that interested. 1
RedRobin Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 He responded with the fact that he likes me loves spending time with me and thinks I'm gorgeous but that he isn't looking for something serious at the moment and feels that he cant give me anything serious because he's married to his job. He said that he wasn't saying that wouldn't change. Sounds pretty vague to me. Personally, I'd be pretty pissed if someone said this to me after 5 months. Then again, I don't wait 5 months to find these things out. It sounds like you enjoyed your time with him, but he's really just after fun-time girlfriend, sad as that sounds. Time to move on. In the future, if you want something more 'serious', I'd suggest you screen for those who are as well. It shouldn't take 5 months to figure that out. Most people usually know what type of relationships they are looking for from day one, even if it isn't necessarily with you.
Krytie TV Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 If someone comes out and tells you they don't want something serious, I promise you they aren't lying. You're wasting your time and being a doormat. 1
Author calndn Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 I understand that he doesn't want anything serious but I wasn't asking for serious. What I don't get is that he isn't seeing anyone else, yet he still hasnt really given me an answer of what I am to him. It's been more serious than a fling but then over the last few weeks he almost feels like a stranger, or someone I don't know. Its odd, since I've said something things feel like they have changed. :-s
xpaperxcutx Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I understand that he doesn't want anything serious but I wasn't asking for serious. What I don't get is that he isn't seeing anyone else, yet he still hasnt really given me an answer of what I am to him. It's been more serious than a fling but then over the last few weeks he almost feels like a stranger, or someone I don't know. Its odd, since I've said something things feel like they have changed. :-s The worst thing a woman can do is lie tto herself. The question that you asked was abput exclusivity ( with you) otherwise you wouldn't be scratching your head wondering about why he's bein so nice etc. Look his answer was pretty obvious, his actions of late even more so. He is not capable of commitment ( with you) he said it clearly. His hesitation about about pursuing a relationship has nothing to do with you, he made it clear its. his job. If h does come around don't expect him to pick you. His current behavior jas already said you're an afterthought, a minor distraction outside of work. Unless he's breaking down ypur door for a dare or calling you almost everyday, please walk away grom this man and find someone capable of giving u what u need.
c0nfused88 Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I also consider myself a very busy person.. but really think about it... it takes a minute to send someone a quick text/e-mail. Nobody is that busy where they can't find an extra minute. If he was that interested he would find the time. It reminds me of a guy I was interested in a few months back. When we are together things are absolutely amazing but he seemed pretty upfront about not being ready for a relationship and that it was not a priority. Believe him when he says this. I hung around this guy for a while and it proved to be true. In the end, I realize it wasn't anything that was wrong with me-- he is like this with all women. Women think they can change his attitude but you cant. He will move on and find someone who can put up with being on the back burner. Don't be that person.
newmoon Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 my simple view is that a man will make time for the woman he is truly interested in. if you were 'the one' for him then his work wouldn't be his first priority and it sounds like it is. you definitely deserve to know where you stand after 5 months of dating and it sounds like he gave you an answer, just not the one you want. men can almost always be judged by their actions - words mean very little to them. his actions/behavior towards you should tell you everything you need to know. an interested man stays in contact, plans dates and activities to be with you, calls regularly, does little chores and extras for you, and makes you feel like you're important to him on a very regular basis. if he's not doing that, he's 'just not that into you'
FitChick Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 If his company depends on the Eurozone, as you said, then he stands to lose everything he's worked for, so I can understand why a relationship would be the last thing on his mind. If you want to spend more time with him, ask him to hire you. If you really like him, since he has so little spare time to see you, you could date other men on free days, since it sounds like you have no agreement to be exclusive. He is exclusive with you simply because he doesn't have time to date anyone else, not because he's madly in love with you.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 If he's such a good businessman, he's smart enough to figure out how to run his company and spend time with his woman. Unfortunately, he just doesn't like you enough to make you a priority. You're obviously feeling unappreciated in this relationship. If I were you, I'd break it off and find someone who appreciates me.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 You've repeated a few times you also don't want anything serious. So: why did you raise the question first of all? Why are you still trying to figure out where you stand, if you and him both agree it's exclusive but not serious? I'm thinking you're lying to yourself. You do want something serious - but admitting this would mean you'd have to break up with him. How much do you fear loss? And how long are you willing to stay in a relationship that isn't what you want deep down? Why are you doing this to yourself? 2
veggirl Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I understand that he doesn't want anything serious but I wasn't asking for serious. What I don't get is that he isn't seeing anyone else, yet he still hasnt really given me an answer of what I am to him. It's been more serious than a fling but then over the last few weeks he almost feels like a stranger, or someone I don't know. Its odd, since I've said something things feel like they have changed. :-s Things HAVE changed because now he can't skate by, he knows you have (legit) expectations from him. You should have been more direct. Not this "what are we" junk--but, "I want an exclusive relationship. Do I have that with you?" Anything other than a firm "yes of course you do" is bad news. I understand busy and all that, but after 5 mos if he can't committ to exclusivity then buh bye.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 "So I've been dating someone for 5 months it's been amazing especially at the beginning. We've been away together for weekends. We've been on lovely dates he took me away for my birthday he's met my parents and my friends. I've met his friends. He told me early on that he couldn't stop thinking about me and always wanted to see me. He also told me that no woman has ever been able to put up with the fact that his job comes first. He's a very successful man owns his own company which is hugely successful but he works so hard and all hours for it." Do you not realize how common this is? Ask women around you If they thought there relationship was "amazing" in the beginning...you're going to see a lot of hands raised to the question, then ask them If the man started to slowly change and start putting less effort...you'll pretty much see an equal amount of hands raised to that question to. I'm not sure why women place so much value on the "beginning" and then run on that gas for the rest of their crappy relationships, does it make you feel better about? does it make you feel like he really cared more than he actually does? or do just insist on lying to yourself by living in the past instead of the present? I know the answer to that question, probably better than you do...but those are things you need to think about regardless, because If you keep living on some grand "memory" you're going to completely overlook, ignore and deny everything that's happening in the present. From a guys stand-point, every other man can be really into you in the beginning...It's like a kid playing with a new toy, It's interesting at first but once they've fully flipped it around and checked it out then he gets tired of it...It wasn't as interesting as he thought it was, or as compelling, it was just something new, fresh and exciting...even though I'm sure in that moment they thought they'd love that toy forever based on those high emotions. It's a rough comparison but it's generally how men works, It's mainly the sex, a woman's body, the annoying things that are just cute at that point, the fact that you really know nothing about her, the fact that you don't have to deal with her on a regular basis and just get to go on to your daily life because she's not really a big part of it and when you want her to be she's happily waiting for you and your time...she's understanding, not very demanding, very flexible and supportive and the average fool is going to think that's all there is to it, that's the "beginning" view to a man. Then she starts becoming demanded, wanting to know where the relationship is going and what is all of this, just a fling or something serious and now you've forced a guy to really consider your place when in the back of his mind he's just caught up in the parts of you that make him happy and satisfied...but nothing really needs to escalate at this point for him (assuming he's not interested in a relationship or getting serious at least with you) so then he feels the fire, starts to backpedal, he's also used to you a bit more now, you're not as brand new so he starts to put the focus back on his regular scheduled life and maybe even other women...all while you're sitting like a puppy at the back porch waiting to be let in. When he told you that no other woman was able to deal with his demanding career that means he's used this as a repeated excuse not to feel obligated to get serious...he's saying that this is my get out of jail free card, whenever you put on the pressure or I feel like you are trying to burst through the glass ceiling that I put over your head because you're fine in my life as long as you're under that...I mean he can use you just fine and you serve his needs..however he's saying that look, I already told you my situation, I'm married to my work, which means like or leave it, I'm telling you this is what is important to me, not you above that. I'm sure he'll say that his work requires a lot of work and dedication and trust me he won't let you forget it, and I'm sure in a lot of ways It's true...but It's pretty damn convenient of a card to pull when you don't want to get into a serious relationship don't you think?... In basic terms this guy isn't going to put you in the priority position that you want him to because.. 1) You're not his priority, his business is...and honestly he has the right in that respect 2) He doesn't see the potential in you or has the motivation/desire to put you on that level..because he's not going to use excuses, he's going to fight and find a way the best he can 3) He doesn't seem ready/interested in valuing any woman to that degree, you're probably at best a nice addition to his life but he's clearly not dependent on you or requires your support/attention after 5 mons..which is he was really into you he'd be having you come out with him or something, you'd see a lot more "out of the ordinary" effort on his part Right now he's just basically giving you the script that he's likely fed several other women. So it's really up to you If that's good enough for you. Will he cheat and be exclusive to you? he doesn't want to give you the title of relationship after 5 mons...what do you think that says? no obligations. The funny thing to me is after 5 mons you're barely asking what this is and where things are going...that's just ridiculous...expecting that you deserve to be told, ha! What If you're just someone he enjoys sexing up, spending time with and doesn't want anything more than that, you think a guys going to come out and tell you that just because? and lose his side candy? c'mon...get real. You should have been asking questions a long time ago, and It's ridiculous that you also say you don't expect anything serious, couldn't be a bigger lie....you're just hoping that in time this guy warms up to you, but it's already been 5 mons, a man is going to make you exclusive at this point If he's really into you...bottom line, no second thoughts or questions. He's going to be unclear and vague about your role and where you stand, appease you with words and telling you things you want to kinda sorta hear...and just enough to keep you around but when it comes to really putting his money where his mouth is with action he's going to back off... It really just depends on how fast you put this all together and If you build up any courage to ask him the tough questions...otherwise you only have yourself to blame...you can't depend on the man to give you the entire truth especially when there is something in it for him to have you around..but not enough for him to contribute more than he wants to. 3
Author calndn Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 Fitchick - your point is spot on, he does stand to lose everything he's worked for and he doesn't have time to date other women, he takes me away for weekends etc and spends his spare time which he has little, with me. Kamille- I like the fact that's he's told me he's not and wouldn't see anyone else is great. It depends what you define as serious. I want exclusivity sure but I don't want to move in or anything else like that with a man in the near future I want some who appreciates me and sees me every week. He does see me every week and up until he went away he was very appreciative. I think I need to see him and see how things are and if it's awkward or doesn't feel like it should. Like if it feels like there is an elephant in the room then I do need to end it. Which is a shame as we get on so well. I'm happy seeing him the amount I do and what we are doing. Very happy. I just needed to know where I stood and his answer threw me a bit, I'm not going to lie, it wasn't what I was expecting but then when I think about it I just want to know there is no one else. The problem is is that since I asked even though hes been away do that's obviously not helped, it just feels like maybe ive scared him off. Ninjainpajamas - thanks for your response I see your points and totally understand at most relationships are amazing at the beginning, of course. What do you mean by asking him the tough questions? I do see your opinion but I do trust this guy I do. Yes maybe I'm a fool for trusting him but the things he's done for me are out of the ordinary and they are filled with huge effort. Just since I've asked him where I stand he's been away for two weeks and we haven't spoken a huge amount, and that has made me extremely paranoid. I'm nt sure I should bring anything else up now...what else is there to say? I want a relationship yes but serious one? Well in my mind serious is one where you'd see more of eachother etc and although yes in some ways that would be nice I'm not going to lie, but the spare time he does have he does indeed spend it with me both of us have demanding jobs and although I have a bit more free time than he does, we do see eachother at any opportuinity. Do serious and relationship go hand in hand? Can't you have a relationship that you make the most of what you've got? I am torn in what to do really torn. Part of me thinks I should walk away but it's easier said than done when you like someone so much :-(
xpaperxcutx Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 OP I don't understand why you're playing dumb and being completely naive about where you stand. He told you where you stood you just refuse to accpet his answer. What about him makes it worth it for you to wreck your branin over him? I understand 5 months are qa long time but you're giving yourself grief over someone who cannot reciprocate in kind. A relationship is dictated by a man asking you for exclusivity and willing to sacrifice shat little free time he has to be with you. It is a mutal agrrement olf commitment, not a one sided rollercoaster where you end up heartbroken over him. I believe in tough love because I was where you are two weeks ago. When you have to question your place in a man's life it means you will always be last place. A worthy manone who cherishes you and the time you both spent together doesn't disappear for a long periold of time without thinking about you. And even if work is first place he'd at least take time out to seek you out.
RedRobin Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 OP, I agree with alot of the other posters, but I sense you are stuck... partly out of a feeling of 'investment' with this guy. This is why I recommend getting things on the table very early, before you've invested too much. You say you don't want anything 'serious'. I really don't understand what you are saying. Having to ask someone where you stand implies a desire for something 'serious' to me. It probably does to alot of people. Thing is, cat is out of the bag now. You both had fun for awhile. He made it clear you are around just for fun. You are attempting to re-write the contract now. It isn't personal. It isn't even about you or how interested he may or may not be. He isn't a buyer or even someone willing to sign a 'lease'. You, at least, sound like you are looking for a 'lease' now... not a week-to-week rental agreement. It really isn't anymore complicated than that. Not sure why so many people get sucked into these dilemmas. Seems so clear cut to me.*shrug* 1
caligirl23 Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 So I've been dating someone for 5 months it's been amazing especially at the beginning. We've been away together for weekends. We've been on lovely dates he took me away for my birthday he's met my parents and my friends. I've met his friends. He told me early on that he couldn't stop thinking about me and always wanted to see me. He also told me that no woman has ever been able to put up with the fact that his job comes first. He's a very successful man owns his own company which is hugely successful but he works so hard and all hours for it. We see eachother at least once a week though. Anyway so he was going away and I felt I just had to ask him where I stood as nothing had ever been said. I chickened out doing it face to face and sent a message. Not ideal I know. He responded with the fact that he likes me loves spending time with me and thinks I'm gorgeous but that he isn't looking for something serious at the moment and feels that he cant give me anything serious because he's married to his job. He said that he wasn't saying that wouldn't change. I asked him if that meant he was seeing others or wanting to see others which he said he wasn't like that and didn't believe in it and no he wasn't seeing anyone else. Thing is I didn't even ask if he wanted something serious I merely asked where I stood (basically wether we were exclusive in the dating sense) I said I didn't want to change anything or add pressure. Anyway I also said was I just a casual fling for him he said no it's more than casual but you know at the same time my life is complicated and my job is my life. So anyway he gos away for nearly two weeks after that. I hear from him over the wkend then nothing for 5 days then again over the following weekend. He then gets back and I didn't hear anything so I just asked him if he was ok and that it felt like I hadn't spoken to him properly for ages he said he felt the same and that he was stressed out with work. I asked if he could do something on the weekend but i couldnt do the day he suggested so I then just said ok well perhaps you could do Monday or Tuesday. This was yesterday afternoon and I haven't heard back. I feel like I'm putting in more effort nd not getting the response I used to before I said something to him!! He's honest and I trust him so I'd hope he would just turn around and say if he wanted things to finish....especially after 5 months! I deserve to be told! I might just be paranoid it might well be the fact that because the euro zone is crashing and the stock markets are down his job right now is crazy but I can't help thinking maybe he's thinking differently about the situation!! Not sure what to make of it??? I had the exact same thing happen to me recently and it hurts. I felt the same way in that I wasn't asking for anything serious either. But, men can sense your feelings and your eagerness and even if you didn't say specific things, he will formulate an opinion anyway. Sounds like this guy already has in his mind that you want something serious. When a man meets a woman that he cannot get enough of, or wants to be with, he will not let his job rule his life or will not make excuses about his job. Do NOT believe him that he is "too busy". No man is ever that busy, especially when there is a woman he wants in his life willing to be there. Here is what you do...you back off! Do not call him, do not text him, do not e-mail him or anything like that at all!! Let him come to you. Let him wonder "What is she up to". And if he does contact you, make it several hours before you respond, or even a day or two if you can. Make him wonder. Make him miss you. Make him see what he is missing. A man who says that he doesn't want anything serious translates to: "You will never be a priority to me". If you are ok with that, and I hope you aren't, then by all means, proceed, but if you think this guys is worth it, make him want to have something serious with you. Make him want to not have the option of meeting someone else because he is so wound up on you. How do you do that? Ignore the hell out of him! You don't know what to make of it and want to be told? He is telling you already. Men are not like women where they will just blurt stuff out, at least not most men. He has put it in a way that is very clear to him, so don't try to look for a hidden meaning. He will never give you what you need. I say you tell him "I hope you are very happy with your job because that is all you have. Good luck" and RUN. 2
RedRobin Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 ... was going to add to my prior post... Don't get too caught up in his high-fallutin job title or the 'specialness' of the places he took you or time spent. If he is well off, showing a woman around and spending money means absolutely nothing. I mean, to them it's like driving a car. Gotta ride in something. Seriously. It is about as special as that. As soon as the 'check engine' light turns on, they are trading you in for a different model. That's how these guys work. People are exchangeable commodities just like the labor on their balance sheet. Sad to say.
truth_seeker Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I had the exact same thing happen to me recently and it hurts. I felt the same way in that I wasn't asking for anything serious either. But, men can sense your feelings and your eagerness and even if you didn't say specific things, he will formulate an opinion anyway. Sounds like this guy already has in his mind that you want something serious. When a man meets a woman that he cannot get enough of, or wants to be with, he will not let his job rule his life or will not make excuses about his job. Do NOT believe him that he is "too busy". No man is ever that busy, especially when there is a woman he wants in his life willing to be there. Here is what you do...you back off! Do not call him, do not text him, do not e-mail him or anything like that at all!! Let him come to you. Let him wonder "What is she up to". And if he does contact you, make it several hours before you respond, or even a day or two if you can. Make him wonder. Make him miss you. Make him see what he is missing. A man who says that he doesn't want anything serious translates to: "You will never be a priority to me". If you are ok with that, and I hope you aren't, then by all means, proceed, but if you think this guys is worth it, make him want to have something serious with you. Make him want to not have the option of meeting someone else because he is so wound up on you. How do you do that? Ignore the hell out of him! You don't know what to make of it and want to be told? He is telling you already. Men are not like women where they will just blurt stuff out, at least not most men. He has put it in a way that is very clear to him, so don't try to look for a hidden meaning. He will never give you what you need. I say you tell him "I hope you are very happy with your job because that is all you have. Good luck" and RUN. Caligirl is spot on. If someone is into you they will make the EFFORT not EXCUSES.
caligirl23 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 I don't mean to be hurtful, but he did tell you what you are to him and where you stand. You're just looking for it in plain English instead of the way he is wording it. You are a girl that he likes to hook up with. Not somebody that he wants more with. You deserve better!
Author calndn Posted June 3, 2012 Author Posted June 3, 2012 Thanks guys really...thank you. Callgirl I will take your advice and just walk away as hard as that is going to be. I haven't hounded him by text or called him we have exchanged a few messages over the last few days, I was the last me to send which he still hasn't replied to nearly two days later. Very unlike him so I guess he's given me a plain answer. Redrobin I'll try not to get too caught up in everything that comes with dating someone well off, it's obviously nice, it's certainly not something I look for in a man it was a coincidence I had no idea he was like that, obviously it's hard to step back from that once you have experienced it I think I need to shut that out though. It's his company I will miss more. I want a relationship I know I do I don't want just fun. It's just strange how he says he isn't seeing anyone else but doesn't want pressure or something serious. Maybe I'm just reading far too much into it. Callgirl I will take your advice it's just so hard when you meet someone you fall for (it's the first time I've felt this way since my HORRENDOUS ex boyfriend who finished with me 18 months ago) its hard when you have to think about starting again and finding someone. It sucks and it hurts and I hate getting hurt and I hate the fact that if this is it and I don't hear from him then the last 5 months have clearly not meant as much to him as they did me. I expect someone to tell me they don't want to continue after that amount of time rather than just ignoring me. :-( Thank you guys I really appreciate all of this
ohmygoshistalk Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 ive read a lot of gore news today (sadly) but this story right here is the one that makes me wanna puke more. no not because of the op, its because of this situation. its a bad, disgusting, revolting situation. you're stuck in limbo..you like someone so much and you keep thinking maybe if you can change something they will change their mind. you dont want to just disappear but being there hurts and will hurt you. its just..a vicious cycle that you need to be brave enough to break.
marsha80 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 I agree with the majority... After 5 months, if you were someone special, he should have been the one to contact you as soon as he got back and asking you for YOUR time. He should have been nervous about losing you. One thing about guys... Make sure they're making the effort (that means different things for different people). If he is financially secure, anything involving swiping a credit card is zero effort. You are there to please HIM, and shouldn't be confused as him pleasing you... because basically, he sees you when he wants, and forgets you when convenient. Don't allow anyone to toy with you... and play with you.
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