araja Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Hi All: Here's my situation: I am in love with a guy who I met about a year and half ago. We dated for 4 months. The first year was very plutonic. We work together; he was my client and was off limits for me to be romantically involved with. We did flirt and became fast friends. In the process of being “friends” I developed very strong feeling for him. There was amazing chemistry between the two of us. (A little about him: He is divorced with a kid. His ex-wife cheated on him and he caught her. He tried to work it out with her but she kept seeing this other guy without telling him while they were trying to work it out. He was devastated to the point that he checked himself into a mental health facility to prevent himself from hurting himself. When I met him he had been divorced for about 2 and half years and the longest relationship he had had was about a month. I know of some cases where he treated some of his ex-girlfriends pretty badly. They usually broke up with him. He admitted this to me. A little about me: I was coming out of a divorce after a miserable 14 years of marriage when I met him.) Skip forwards a year and I’m no longer working with him so we started dating. On our first date he mentioned that he had done research that if a divorced person get into a relationship or marriage within 5 years of that divorce that the chance of another divorce a 80+% high. So he wanted to keep it light and causal. I was in love with him so I agreed. Within weeks we were spending a lot of time together and it was amazing. We had so much in common. On day out of the blue he tells me that “he loves me”. I was thrilled. I told him that I loved him back. After that neither one ever said those words to each other again. We continue as we were very much in love but I always felt that something was not right. After the initial “I love you” statement, he began to Yo-yo emotionally. One minute he’s be very loving and caring and then he’d emotionally push me away. The next day he’d be very close and then suddenly push me way. It was emotionally nauseating. But I loved him so I put up with him. About a month ago, he started to pull back all emotional connection (I felt it) but he never said anything. If anything, he said that he missed me a lot when we were apart but I never lost the feeling something was not right. I became paranoid. About three weeks ago, I was looking at his FB page and I noticed that he was friends with a very very pretty woman. My paranoia kicked in and at this point my anxiety that had been building up for the last few weeks got the better of me and I called him on the phone and asked him if he was seeing someone other than me. He said “yes”. I was devastated. He said that I was in an emotional place that he could not be now with anyone and that he had said that at the very beginning. (The 5 year thing). He said we should break up because he did not love me and I wanted more from him. Note: I never asked him for anything. A Promise, ring, Marriage, etc EVER… He said that he’d probably regret the decision to break up with me in the future but could not do this right now with me. I was floored. I felt the rug had been pulled out from under me. I was totally blind sighted. The following day he sent me a mail explaining everything in e-mail including the fact that he was seeing someone else while he was sleeping with me. He is still seeing her. I still love him and want him back. I have stuff at his place which he has not returned. Not sure why. My therapist says there could be two reasons for this: 1. He does not want to face me because he does not like confrontation, 2. He is using the stuff to keep the door open for reconciliation. (I later found out that the girls he is seeing now he is seeing was one of his prior girlfriends that broke up with him. She suddenly contacted him one day and asked if he’d like to get re-acquainted.) I still love him. I want him back. Am I crazy? Is he damaged goods? What are your thoughts on this situation? [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Philosoraptor Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 From what you wrote it sounds like his emotions are still a bit fractured from his divorce years ago. He told you he wasn't ready and walked away. I'd work on moving on right now and once you're healed you can try to find someone that wants a commitment. 1
Author araja Posted June 3, 2012 Author Posted June 3, 2012 Thanks. I thing that kills me is the fact that he jumped into seeing this new girl prior to even breaking up with me. If I'm not the one then fine but I feel like he found himself a safety net and pushed me off the building. All I did was love him. I guess he did not feel the same. Personally, I also feel that you are right and he has massive commitment issues.
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