newmoon Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Mostly a question for the women, but male input is welcome too. Could you continue to date someone whose values you don't respect? I'm in a relationship with a man I happen to work with - we have been together over a year. The trouble is that I really have an extreme contempt for his work ethic. I am in a much higher position than him, and have a really strong work ethic - not into gossip, long lunches, goofing off at work, etc. I do my job and do it very very well. He, on the other hand, spends literally hours in gossip (with women) and does the least amount possible on the job to just get things done. Other supervisors ask him to be more productive, etc. I have mentioned to him that he is a 'gossip girl' at work and he doesn't deny it, but I have never outright said this really irks me. He doesn't mention our relationship to anyone (which is a secret from everyone, although we are allowed to inner-office date). his work standards/behavior really bug me, but is it enough to end the relationship over? It's a conflict of values, right?? And, ultimately I am finding that i just don't respect him, and that, I am told, is something men want and need is respect. Thanks for advice and opinions!
aj22one Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 There's a lid for every pot. This doesn't look like your pot. No big deal.
gaius Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 My mother was with a man she didn't respect for almost 15 years. It happens all the time. Lost count of how many times I've seen a girl almost hide one boyfriend on facebook while plastering the next one's picture all over her profile. As long as you're having sex with him he can probably deal with it. That's the respect most important to men.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 I couldn't be with someone I didn't respect. You have different goals OP. It won't work.
sally4sara Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 End it. It will eat into every aspect of your decision making where it involves your relationship with him. It would be different if it was over something less fundamental like being dumbfounded that he ever did and still continues to like Vanilla Ice or thinks the Phantom Menace is better than Return of the Jedi. You will begin by finding yourself not seeking his input and not bothering to keep him informed of everything that went into your decisions even when they involve him. If you let this relationship limp its way into a larger commitment, you will never see him as a true partner. Over time your treatment of him will degrade. I've seen it happen in way too many relationships. Eventually you're insulting him in front mutual friends. Don't let yourself become that person especially when you noticed the issue this early on. 2
Nohbody Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Are you becoming contemptuous of his lack of work ethic? Think hard about this.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 his work standards/behavior really bug me, but is it enough to end the relationship over? It depends on what you want out of the relationship. Not all relationships last forever. Most don't, in fact. It's really your call on whether the good outweighs the bad here and you want to continue. And, ultimately I am finding that i just don't respect him, and that, I am told, is something men want and need is respect. My theory is that a man really wants a woman who will inspire and challenge him to rise to his greatness - and a woman wants a guy who will rise to his greatness and be her hero. Yes, women need to be inspired and are best when they rise to their greatness and are heroes, too, but each of the sexes has its own unique energies. A man wants to win the right to mate exclusively with the woman, and the woman wants to win the commitment of a heroic man. If you don't respect him, this mating dance will most likely not play out to its fullest. But it's not easy to find just the right partner to fire you up all the way. And if you try to just be alone and not have any romantic interaction until you do, you'll probably go nuts.
El Brujo Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 If you try to just be alone and not have any romantic interaction until you do, you'll probably go nuts. OTOH I've been crazy for years, and it doesn't bother me much.
mtber75 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER DATE ANYONE FROM WORK! Your stuck in a prickle because if you break off the relationship, you'll still be forced to see him at work. Also it seems like this guy is a lazy bum who will spread rumors about you because you dumped him!
wheream_i Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 In high school, I worked out constantly because I was a small, skinny kid. In my early 20's, partying and drugs were more important. At 24, I met an amazing woman who was very physically fit, worked out 5x a week, not to mention very smart. When she'd go to the gym, I'd stay home, watch TV and drink. One day,she came home with a gym membership for me. I didn't go for about the first week and I could sense she was losing interest in me. So I finally went with her and I remembered how much I loved working out. We were together long term for another 2.5 years. Not to mention I had the best body I'd ever had and I thanked her for it. She told me having the drive and being fit was very important to her and said she would've left me had I not gotten off my ass. I thnk the same thing is happening here. If you don't have something that's important to you in common, it will not last. If you've mentioned it to him and he shrugged it off then he obviously doesn't care and it's not important to him.
wheream_i Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 My theory is that a man really wants a woman who will inspire and challenge him to rise to his greatness. Exactly what I just said in my post before I read this, so that is a great theory. Thank you! 1
wordrock Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Mostly a question for the women, but male input is welcome too. Could you continue to date someone whose values you don't respect? Guy here. Nope! Well, I don't think I could date them long term. Short term, maybe. But, I would see that as a sign of incompatibility. If I dated someone I didn't respect, it's likely I would not treat her very well... and I would feel a lot of guilt over that, so I would avoid getting into a relationship with such a person. My theory is that a man really wants a woman who will inspire and challenge him to rise to his greatness - and a woman wants a guy who will rise to his greatness and be her hero. Totally concur. I want a woman who brings out the best in me. However, I still realize I don't need someone for that... but I do want to be with a woman I respect that inspires me to be a good person and try my best. I absolutely cannot get that with a woman that looks down on me. I would rather be single than be with someone like that!
gaius Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Crystal Harris just got back together with Hugh Hefner after saying on national radio she couldn't take more than 2 seconds worth of sex with him, and that was the only time they had intercourse. Often you can't find a partner that meets all your needs and respect is the thing that gets compromised. Crystal Harris Interview - The Hollywood Gossip
wordrock Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Often you can't find a partner that meets all your needs and respect is the thing that gets compromised. That varies highly upon what things a person values most in a relationship. For myself, respect is near the top of the list. Perhaps your definition of respect is different. Some people consider playful joking or what not to be disrespectful. I'm not nearly that uptight, but I would not want a relationship with a woman who does not admire my personality and abilities as well as my looks.
Author newmoon Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER DATE ANYONE FROM WORK! Your stuck in a prickle because if you break off the relationship, you'll still be forced to see him at work. Also it seems like this guy is a lazy bum who will spread rumors about you because you dumped him! this is exactly what my mom has told me numerous times :-) he's 46 and lazy and that is why i'm struggling with this aspect of the relationship
Alexanda Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 What would be the point of that? Why are you even dating someone like that? Obviously you want a guy who isnt a slacker. It never a good idea dating a coworker anyways.
writergal Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 So if you don't respect him, why are you using...I mean, dating him? I would never date a man I didn't respect. Sounds to me like you two are not compatible as romantic partners, but maybe you're hanging on because of your strong work ethic? You're better off finding a man you can compete with, who shares your strong work ethic. Your boyfriend sounds like a fun guy. He's probably not mentioning your relationship because he doesn't want people to gossip about him, or he's simply afraid of the consequences from you - what you would do if he did mention it to your coworkers. Please dump your boyfriend. He deserves to be with a woman who respects him. Otherwise if you stay with him, you are just using and misleading him to believe that you actually like him when it's clear from your post that you don't like him. Mostly a question for the women, but male input is welcome too. Could you continue to date someone whose values you don't respect? I'm in a relationship with a man I happen to work with - we have been together over a year. The trouble is that I really have an extreme contempt for his work ethic. I am in a much higher position than him, and have a really strong work ethic - not into gossip, long lunches, goofing off at work, etc. I do my job and do it very very well. He, on the other hand, spends literally hours in gossip (with women) and does the least amount possible on the job to just get things done. Other supervisors ask him to be more productive, etc. I have mentioned to him that he is a 'gossip girl' at work and he doesn't deny it, but I have never outright said this really irks me. He doesn't mention our relationship to anyone (which is a secret from everyone, although we are allowed to inner-office date). his work standards/behavior really bug me, but is it enough to end the relationship over? It's a conflict of values, right?? And, ultimately I am finding that i just don't respect him, and that, I am told, is something men want and need is respect. Thanks for advice and opinions!
Author newmoon Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 i appreciate the input/advice as it helps to see the situation from different viewpoints. for me anyway, values are not something you can easily determine at the beginning of a relationship, so it has actually taken about a year to begin to see these incompatibilities. i think, in this circumstance, that working together is a benefit - i'm privvy to seeing behaviors from this man that i otherwise would not know about. if you don't work with your SO, how can you ever know what type of worker they actually are? for me it's been very illuminating. and he's a wonderful man who treats me very well, but yeah... my preference is for a hardworking ambitious man, which he clearly isn't and that makes me think less of him :-(
udolipixie Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I'd continue dating someone whose values I don't respect with the exception of children/animal related values. Such an incompatibility wouldn't hinder me from entertaining and amusing myself with him as for me in dating there's The Right Now (short-term, casual, fun) not The Right On. His work standards/behavior is probably enough to end the relationship if you want to see the relationship leading to something long-term or marriage. His work standards/behavior isn't probably enough to end the relationship if you're happy or content dating someone you don't respect and being in a relationship that isn't long-term or marriage-minded. As for what men want and need is respect that doesn't necessarily mean you have to give it to him. For me if he wants and needs respect the onus is on him to get it so if he doesn't feel he's getting what he wants/needs then he can dump you and go get it. My advice is to question whether you want to be in a relationship with a guy you don't respect. My opinion is that you're not using him simply because you don't respect him for me. For me it's no different than a guy planning to date or is in a relationship with a gal he has no intention of marrying or hasn't considered marriage with.
wheream_i Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 You're better off finding a man you can compete with That's an even worse idea.
freetolove Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 It makes me sad to see successful women date men like this =( (i'm a women) go out, have fun, and find a MAN!
RedRobin Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 OP, I think you'll find that everyone is a mix of qualities you like and don't like. Finding someone who is compatible for the long term is about setting priorities of those things that are most important to you and letting the rest go. I've also learned that, those qualities that you love the most about someone, also has another side that may get on your nerves. The old 'double edged sword'. If he shares your values in other ways and he has been good to you, but his behavior at work is somehow causing problems, then I'd try to focus in precisely on what is bothering you and share it with him. A blanket 'work ethic' dilemma sounds a bit too vague. What exactly about his work style causes you issues? This issue is bound to come up in the future, and it is likely not about him or what he may or may not be doing, so before you break up with him, it would be wise to understand your contribution to things. When it is all said and done, you may be unpleasantly surprised to find out what comes with the so-called 'ambitious' types too. Are you concerned he is going to get fired? Does he have a spotty work history? What I'm getting to is (for your sake) honing in on something he might try to manage if presented in a way that benefits him in the long run. Focus on something actionable. A blanket 'work ethic' issue might be too big of a chunk to bite off all at once. 1
RedRobin Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 i appreciate the input/advice as it helps to see the situation from different viewpoints. for me anyway, values are not something you can easily determine at the beginning of a relationship, so it has actually taken about a year to begin to see these incompatibilities. i think, in this circumstance, that working together is a benefit - i'm privvy to seeing behaviors from this man that i otherwise would not know about. if you don't work with your SO, how can you ever know what type of worker they actually are? for me it's been very illuminating. and he's a wonderful man who treats me very well, but yeah... my preference is for a hardworking ambitious man, which he clearly isn't and that makes me think less of him :-( There are plenty of nice, hardworking men out there who aren't terribly 'ambitious'. There are lots of ambitious men who aren't terribly hardworking.... or honest, or kind, or wonderful. TBH, I find most of the ambitious men I know (and even have as work mentors) aren't any of those. They are great work collaborators, but I'd never choose them as a partner. Before you break up with someone who is a wonderful man who treats you well... I'd ponder this long and hard. I've seen plenty of women go after the 'ambitious' types, only to regret it later... but sometimes they need to do that to see the error of their ways or figure out where to strike the balance in their own lives. Anyway, good luck with your decision.
writergal Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 That's an even worse idea. Hahaha. I was being facetious.
truth_seeker Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Where's there's smoke, there's fire. In your case, there is doubt, which means time to break it off.
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