ludovico Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Long story short... We dated long distance (inter-country) for 5.5 years... In the final year of our relationship she slowly began extricating herself, and dumped me via email... said I need to grow up and figure out my life and what I want... begged me not to just disappear and wanted to stay friends... We tried and I found out that she began another long distance relationship with some douche while we were still together and he moved there to be with her... I cut contact - things got messy - etc etc. Fast forward 2.5 years later... Now she realizes that she treated me horribly, was seeing a counsellor and being prescribed meds for depression in our final year - which she says contributed to her horrible treatment of me... she said she had so much on her plate in her life, and she felt like she was giving all the time and not getting anything back from anyone around her (me, family, friends, coworkers, etc.)... She asked me to forgive her - which I can do because no one is perfect - and I'm the first to admit I certainly needed that breakup to open my eyes and give me a wake-up call as to what I need to do with my life... But I don't easily forget... Now she wants me back - says she never stopped loving me, and when she was dating the guy after me, she wasn't looking for love she was just lonely... I told her I was lonely too but I didn't go behind her back and be a total a**hole to her and disrespect our relationship... My problem is that, while I've always maintained I would never take her back under any circumstances, just talking to her the other day was so... easy. Out of all the women I've met in my life we just seem to click. My gut says that if a reconciliation is in the cards, now is not the right time. I told her that and said if you want to be friends I can offer you that. She said that she doesn't want to be 'just friends', and then said 'tell me you don't want us anymore?" - which I honestly can't do... There's just soooo much work involved in making a LDR work and I told myself I'd never subject myself to it again. She said she's willing to do anything it takes to make it work - even move to my country. That freaks me out a bit because I feel like she is gambling her happiness on something that might not work in the long run - and I would feel terrible. We got along fine years ago, but we haven't seen or had a meaningful conversation in 2.5 years - we're totally different people now. Anyways, that's all I got. Just looking for some insight. Thanks everyone!
EmergenC Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Do you have your full story in your posting history ? My breakup is similar to yours in quite a lot of ways, we were also inter-country but she eventually came to live with me. Now shes gone back, and now LD with another guy :S Big difference is i'm only just coming up to the 6 month mark! I think you might just have to take it real easy and slow with her for now. Has she just broken up with the other guy ? Do you know what she has going on personally in her own life ? I think if people come back too strong and too hard, it reeks of desperate measures. Possibly she could be having harsh times in her life right now etc. Slow down and think, take time to know her again because as you rightly say, you're different people right now. True love takes time to develop, not the hastiness she's portraying. Good luck to you!
EgoJoe Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Dude, game check. She blames her decisions on everything else and does not OWN them. Whatever else you, think decide etc. Think about that...
Exit Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Dude, game check. She blames her decisions on everything else and does not OWN them. Whatever else you, think decide etc. Think about that... Good point, I didn't catch that pattern at first as I read that. I would stick to your guns about right now not being the right time, if ever. I'm sure part of you still thinks this could be a success story but just realize you were surviving without her for 2 years and there's no benefit to just letting her have you again right away. EmergenC makes a good point as well, when did she get out of the relationship with the other guy and what else is going on in her life, she might be running back to you for a safety not. Sorry to say it but you have to be cynical at this point, don't let her promises fool you. I had an ex come back and tell me she was gonna do this that and the other thing and she was gone again three months later. I think the bigger success story would be realizing that you can keep on going without her, but you are the true architect of this story and how it will end.
wilsonx Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 She's ready to come back, you aren't ready for her yet. Its fine, when youre ready, give her a call. Exit you tried to fix it too early, even you knew it at the time, I remember you posting your story
loverboy1984 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 First of all Im hoping this happens to me one day. But I know that what you are going through now is not easy. First your heart is telling you go for it and your head is saying no. Trust your head because your heart doesnt have a brain. I agree with wilsonx about not being ready. That being said I think you should follow your gut and say no thanks. Offer her your friendship since it looks like you are ready for that but unfortunately for her the ship has sailed for the relationship. 2.5 years changes people. The person you new died with the relationship. You cant risk her coming to your country and having things not work and it getting even more messy. That being said her psych problems, coming out of another relationship, being in a relationship for the sake of not being lonely and playing a role, are all red flags. I dont want a girlfriend like that Im pretty sure you dont either. Just take assurance in the fact that you were a good boyfriend to her and now are a better person 2.5 years later. Yea its easy to talk to her, but thats because you have a history with her. Im proud of you for growing and getting over the grief and forgiving. Its time to continue with your life. I wish you well and hope what ever decision you make makes YOU happy.
leoc1973 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Wait a minute! This is EXACTLY what we gigs believers hope for. Her to go take a year or 2 and find herself, date other people and then come crawling back on broken glass. She is doing exactly what a successful gigs story demands of it. Go for it man. She is willing to make the move and all of that its not like you have to uproot your life. What do you have to lose? You still love her right? Now your longing for her again just as if you had recently broken up so I say Carpe Diem! And I think her asking for forgiveness is her way of owning that she wronged you or else what would she be asking to be forgiven for if it wasn't her fault. She knows it, you know it and she knows you know it so dude if you love her then have her.
EgoJoe Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I do not think she is genuine. Remember what you went through OP.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 How do you know she didnt JUST get dumped by some guy and is looking for you to easily cure some desperate loneliness? She might be rebounding on you. If she is, she will dump you once she feels like herself again. Although I dont know how that would work in a LDR. I say dont make it easy for her to have you. Make her be friends first working towards a relationship, for trust issues, so you can feel her out to see if she really is into you again, or is rebounding from someone else. She wont be able to hide the obvious signs if you look for them. Make sure she is genuine before letting her know you want to try again. If she says no to friends, then you know she doesnt want to work for it, and she might be using you to cure loneliness and fill a void.
Author ludovico Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 thanks for all the great advice everyone - LS was down for a few days so I was surprised to see this many people chipping in! late last week she was blowing up my phone with texts... but so far I have stuck to my guns, and to be honest, I feel great about how I've handled things with her - ive been honest with her about what i want, where i am in my life, and who i am now... on friday she wanted to talk on the phone but i've been busy with other things these days and told her we can talk on the phone sometime next week... she was appreciative... on saturday she texted me asking if there was still a chance we can be together... i told her it wasnt that simple - not only are we different people, but i dont know her anymore and in the last year or 2 of our relationship she was choosing to engage in self-destructive behaviors that i felt were detrimental to our relationship and I won't tolerate today... she was shocked that i was so candid about what I actually thought about her now... we had a pretty open conversation about how we both didnt communicate properly when we were together... i havent heard from her since then and im not sure when I will... as stated above, i offered her my friendship and she said she doesnt want that... she even said to me something along the lines of "if we're truly over then i'll be forced to close the book on us forever"... i thought that was pretty cheeky considering she left me! LOL i think that shes just extremely lonely and looking for someone to use as a crutch... and I dont think shes aware of what kind of consequences come with her behavior - i think deep down shes a good person - but i think shes in need of more professional help... for now, i will just continue living my life as if it wont work out - ive made it this long, and come this far without her - life goes on i'll keep you posted!
wilsonx Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 (edited) This post doesnt make sense anymore... My initial assumption was that you, yourself were in lala land and you were just acting like an @hole. I think thats what it is. 1) One doesnt post in the second chance forum especially after 2.5 years and ask now what? if they don't want their ex back in some way or another. 2) One doesnt continuously talk to an ex and then brag about her reaction to only just wanting to be friends and how she said she should move on (I agree with her, you're actions dont match your words). The problem isn't the ex and that's what a lot of people fail to see ACTIONS (louder) .... (than) words. You're blowing smoke up not only our asses but yours as well. Edited June 7, 2012 by wilsonx 1
Author ludovico Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 not really sure i understand the personal attack... when i started the post i really didn't know what to do about her - so i was looking for advice on LS... isnt that the point of these forums? yes, theres still a soft spot in my heart for the girl i fell in love with, but as we kept texting i started to realize that i've been doing fine without her, and that i think i've grown more than she has these past few years, and that im not even ready for a relationship at this point in my life... but if she wanted to be friends i can do that (because thats what she asked for when she dumped me years ago) - not sure how that is "bragging"... im not stringing her along, or being a prick to her - i laid my cards out on the table - she dumped me, now this is her choice... friends or back to nothing... sorry if my post came off as *ssholish - wasn't intended that way at all... 1
wilsonx Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 (edited) she dumped me, now this is her choice... friends or back to nothing... Resentment says it all. I'll tell you a secret, most gigs dumpers give 3-4 chances for the dumpee to end the relationship. Most people just miss it or choose to hold on to something that is over and done with How about you be the bigger person and move forward if she can't. That friends or nothing line is a string. For me, if someone wants to date/be in a relationship with me and I do not want or choose that, I am the bigger person and am not in a friendship or offer friendships with them. Edited June 7, 2012 by wilsonx
EgoJoe Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Problem is Wilson, the entire time they are "giving you chances" which by the way I agree with but for different reasons; they are telling you otherwise sometimes with small actions but most often with constant reassurance via the passive aggressive confusion ACT. What they are hoping you do is dump them because then you are the one who gave up, doesn't love them and didn't want to be with them. So then they get to paint you black with even more ease than even if you didn't. This is manipulation and I don't think that this kind of behavior deserves any sort of reward. Frankly, it is my personal belief that by offering her friendship he was being fairly magnanimous. That being said I think that offering her friendship was also a bad idea. She has not earned that. Simultaneously, consider her continued passive aggressive behavior with regard to her statement of, "If that is how it is going to be I'm going to have the shut the door/book on us forever." That is a veiled threat. A power play by an Ego desperate for control over something. She is obviously not yet self-aware or ready for anything meaningful. Due to the nature of the breakup and the aftermath, my personal opinion is that the OP pat himself on the back for leaving such a lasting impression and to be responsible, mature and strong enough to send her packing so that she can become the best person she can be.
babycrapgreen Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Correction, she was dating a guy while she was dating you, not after. Depression doesn't give you a license to date someone else behinds someone's back. I think she realize she picked the wrong guy. And honestly, you being here just proves either one, you still have some sort of feelings for her, not in a platonic way. Two, curiosity. I'm guessing a bit of both. I think she's lonely again because it's just weird that she just wants to jump into a relationship so soon.
Author ludovico Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 so here's an update for everyone... the long and short of it is... the whole time she was apologizing and begging me to take her back and "trying" to fix our relationship (while i was slowly coming to terms with everything and slowly opening up to her for a possible future reconciliation) she was still hanging out with the guy she dumped me for - in fact, they just came back from a nice vacation in Hawaii together that she didn't tell me about until after it happened... when i confronted her about it she said that she and I aren't "together" so I have no right to comment on her life... and also, that i wasnt making enough of an effort to work things out between us... what a piece of work this girl is... id like to say i was surprised at her behavior but... i'm not. it's exactly the reason why i kept her at arms length and took things extremely slow... i actually feel sorry for her - she has no idea how to treat people with respect and be happy in life... i told her its best we part ways and she said "ok. goodbye." so i guess that's that - onward and upward! 1
Recommended Posts