Stanza Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 My long term relationship ended when my ex left because he lost the 'feeling' or spark but he didn't close all the doors in that after the 'end' he said who knows if we get it back and in the run up to the end he said he was looking for the 'magic answer' to get it back. We had counselling but the counsellor got tough on him in the second sessin and forced him to make a decision, which was when he ended it. He was still sort of on the fence, looking for a way to find it. 3 weeks after he went into a rebound with another girl who was clearly very interested in him and presented an opportunity. I believe he developed feelings for her around that 2.5 week mark but not really before. I think for him it's comfort/sex and she's also a rebounder. I can't stop thinking about him. I'm going a bit crazy with it. How much hope do I have?
Author Stanza Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 I was starting to wonder on the contact/no contact bit. I think I have to let this rebound play out and that means some distance. Problem is he's left 99% of his stuff at OUR flat and all those things
Gulf-Delta Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 I was starting to wonder on the contact/no contact bit. I think I have to let this rebound play out and that means some distance. Problem is he's left 99% of his stuff at OUR flat and all those things Pack it up NOW, and tell him you'll be dropping it off at X location/time. After that you gotta be NC. If you really love this guy, it will be the hardest thing you've probably ever done. The urges to call/text/email/IM/etc become almost unbearable. I know because I'm there now. IF he ever comes back** it's gonna have to be on YOUR terms. He has to be the one to make the effort. You've already put everything out there and it didn't work. All you can hope for, is that he comes to his senses on his own time. Don't EXPECT this, though. Hope for the best, expect the worst. **From what I've read, they usually try to come back after 6 months-1 year. Sometimes longer. Rarely less.
Author Stanza Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 Thanks. Agree on the time frame, I was just reading the G.I.G.S thread which matches what you're saying.
BDranger Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Its gonna suck but the very best thing you can do is let him go. All his stuff, his cell phone, his email, his facebook, block all of it. He needs to WANT to come back completely on his own. Im following this guide and its very helpful. DO NOT damage your progress by contacting him. Please, do not do what we have all done. Build yourself back up into the respectable and confident person you always were. Guide to second chances. - LoveShack.org Community Forums
Gulf-Delta Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 (edited) Thanks. Agree on the time frame, I was just reading the G.I.G.S thread which matches what you're saying. WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD I only came to that conclusion from the people here. I was just as lost as you, until I realized that this is something EVERYONE goes through in life. While I disagree with somethings others write about GiGs, such as the motivation of it, what the dumper is feeling/thinking, how to handle it, etc. I do acknowledge it is a true phase of life, and that all it is. The thing is, GiGs causes people to become VERY confused. They could love you with their entire being, but to them, that love is not a priority, at least not yet. That's why they always come back. It's like when you're a kid and you live with your parents. You take it all for granted. Until you move out, and have to start paying your own way. It's only then that you realize all your parents did for you, etc. You ex is not a bad person, nor do they hate you. Hell, they may not want you gone at all, but, in a way, it's almost like they're possessed. Like they don't know which emotions, people, etc to surround themselves with, and they need this time to figure it out. In some cases you find that you may not have ever left their mind. But this period of self discovery is something they need. They need to live life, before they realize that real friendships, real love, etc. are what life is about. I still love my ex dearly. Both as human in general, and as more (wife/soulmate/???). No matter waht, she is still one of the smartest, funniest, sweet, incredible, honest people I've ever known. She has gone on to GiGs as well. She hurt me A LOT. But I realized this doesn't make her a bad person. I realized the pain wasn't intentional. She didn't hurt me on purpose. Nor did she leave because of something I did. It's just that she's never actually experienced life. She had missed out on her teen years. Because I love her, I know she needs to experience life on her own. Date other people, even. I went through GiGs too, but luckily I got all of that crap out of my system by the time I was 19. I was in heavy metal bands from ages 15-19, so I saw it all. I drank, I smoked, hung around girls I find repulsive now, I shirked responsibilities, dropped out of school, the whole 9 yards. But it's these experiences forged my personality and the man I am today. Those days taught me to respect those who really cared about me. They taught me that the only people that matter are your real friends, and real relationships are the only ones worth having. Because I love my ex, value her, and respect her more than anything, I know that she needs this before she can realize the same thing. Does it hurt? Like hell. Will she come back? Who knows. Do I want her back? Every single minute. But if you love them, truly, you MUST let them experience this. If the love was real, they WILL come back (though it could be ANYTIME from a 6 months, a year, 4 years, 10 years!), because you never fully left their mind and heart in the first place. Do you take them back if/when they do? Only you can decide that. Anyway, I've rambled WAAAAAAYYY to long here, and some of the "GiGs specialists" may sharply disagree with me, and my reasoning, and say I'm giving you false hope, and if that's true, I'm sorry. But that's my take on it. Edited June 1, 2012 by Gulf-Delta 3
worldgonewrong Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Gulf-Delta- thanks for the thoughtful words. i see them as helpful to many.
Gulf-Delta Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Gulf-Delta- thanks for the thoughtful words. i see them as helpful to many. Wow, thanks. Glad I can help at least one person out there.
Author Stanza Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 BDranger - thanks for that link and your words, I will re-read your post a few times and check out the link. Gulf-Delta - yours too, will be re-read a few times. Very wise. I hear what you are saying. I agree on the pain. I'm tired of thinking about him constantly but there's not much I can do. I agree on the mixed signals but that it feels like they need to go do what they have to do. I totally feel that is what's happening. Going to re-read right now...
Author Stanza Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 BDranger, that is a good guide. Thanks. It's hard to find all the good posts on here so appreciate you taking the time to link it.
Author Stanza Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Gulf Delta Wow, thanks. Glad I can help at least one person out there. more than one person, we all need some hope.
ladyabstrused Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I still love my ex dearly. Both as human in general, and as more (wife/soulmate/???). No matter waht, she is still one of the smartest, funniest, sweet, incredible, honest people I've ever known. She has gone on to GiGs as well. She hurt me A LOT. But I realized this doesn't make her a bad person. I realized the pain wasn't intentional. She didn't hurt me on purpose. Nor did she leave because of something I did. It's just that she's never actually experienced life. She had missed out on her teen years. Because I love her, I know she needs to experience life on her own. Date other people, even. Does it hurt? Like hell. Will she c/me back? Who knows. Do I want her back? Every single minute. But if you love them, truly, you MUST let them experience this. If the love was real, they WILL come back (though it could be ANYTIME from a 6 months, a year, 4 years, 10 years!), because you never fully left their mind and heart in the first place. Do you take them back if/when they do? Only you can decide that. You creepily sound like my ex. What you wrote opened my eyes a bit because I realise that he feels the way you described above, about me, and it could just be what he's doing because suddenly now he doesn't contact me anymore after trying to convince me to work things out with him etc. But the last couple of times he contacted me, he sounded more like this. So I thought he was just being understanding and letting things go. I just hope that this isn't what he's doing, hope he's not waiting for me to want to get back to him. I just hope that he moves on for his own good so that he can be happy.
Author Stanza Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I re-read this a couple of times, so many good things everyone took time to say to me and are still helping me. I am now 2.5 months on and still fully on the rollercoaster. He's in his rebound still, somewhat seriously, but I have read the more serious those start out the more they are struggling with their decisicions. So I try not to let that break me even more. Especially as I got mixed signals when I saw him since the BU. It took me a while to go to go fully NC, but was only LC previous. But I do now see it as really needed.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You creepily sound like my ex. What you wrote opened my eyes a bit because I realise that he feels the way you described above, about me, and it could just be what he's doing because suddenly now he doesn't contact me anymore after trying to convince me to work things out with him etc. But the last couple of times he contacted me, he sounded more like this. So I thought he was just being understanding and letting things go. I just hope that this isn't what he's doing, hope he's not waiting for me to want to get back to him. I just hope that he moves on for his own good so that he can be happy. Well, it depends on why you left I guess. If things just disappeared, or her abused you, there's no point in him waiting. If you left because partying and seeing other people is more attractive to you right now, he may be waiting. But with time, his feelings will fade, and he'll be gone.
ladyabstrused Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 It took me a while to go to go fully NC, but was only LC previous. But I do now see it as really needed. Good luck, Stanza. Hope NC will help you get through this and heal. Well, it depends on why you left I guess. If things just disappeared, or her abused you, there's no point in him waiting. If you left because partying and seeing other people is more attractive to you right now, he may be waiting. But with time, his feelings will fade, and he'll be gone. I left because my ex was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. It's been 7 weeks since the break up. Kind of stings a bit now that I recall all that.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Good luck, Stanza. Hope NC will help you get through this and heal. I left because my ex was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. It's been 7 weeks since the break up. Kind of stings a bit now that I recall all that. Then stay away from him. 1
Recommended Posts