girlinlove2206 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Hi there, I have met a man 4 months ago and we have been in touch ever since. We talk on the phone, text, and I visit his house regularly. It would be a perfect relationship only he is engaged and his been with his gf for 10 years. I know what I'm doing is wrong but I cannot help myself. We I visit his place we don't have sex but I know we both want too. The only thing stopping me is the thought of his fiance. I know he'd feel guilty about it therefore have resisted temptation. Last night he asked me if I could ever love him, too which I said I didn't want to answer his question although I think I do have feelings for him. I don't want to be the OW yet I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like a horrible person and hate myself for doing what I'm doing but it just feels so right and I don't know what to do! Its really effecting me as I think of nothing else all day, I could cry at the person I've become. Words of advice would be appreciated
jade4071 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Why do you go to their house? Even if they don't live together they are still in a committed relationship apparently headed towards marriage.....start thinking of it as their house. Personally, I'd run and not look back. Put yourself in his fiance's shoes and think about how you'd feel if your BF was sneaking around, texting, calling, and inviting another woman to the house? If doing something that makes you a "horrible person" and "hate" yourself for doing what you're doing but yet it "just feels so right" and you "think of nothing else all day"......yikes.....if that's "right" I'd rather be 'wrong.' You can bet money this guy does not sit around thinking about the same things, not for a second. I hope you walk away from this before you get in much deeper. 1
Furious Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 I wouldn't be surprised this is not the first time this man has cheated on his fiancé. Also, to be only engaged in a ten year relationship just shouts commitment phobic. Don't go there, you deserve better and so does his fiancé. 2
frozensprouts Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 you say you don't want to become the other woman, but you already are the other woman. It seems that you feel that since you haven't had sex yet that there is a line you haven't crossed, but you have. Look at it this way...if you were to tell his fiance about the amount of time you spend talking with him, texting with him, and even visiting him at their house, what do you think she'd say abut it? you also say that you don't want to be a bad person, and that being the other woman would cause such guilt in you. You are not powerless here...if you don't want to be the other woman, then don't be the other woman. Tell this guy to get his life sorted out, and only when he is really and truly single, with no fiance, you'll consider being with him. If he tries to contact you before that ( just "as friends"), tell him to stop. If he persists, change your number. If he really wants to be with you, it's not that hard to call off the engagement and move on to be with you. you're only four months into this...do you want to risk waking up someday a few years from now and wondering where the time went and why you are still with this guy who now has a wife, kids, etc.? 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 "Trying your best" would include not texting, phoning or visiting. 4
MissBee Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 (edited) I wouldn't be surprised this is not the first time this man has cheated on his fiancé. Also, to be only engaged in a ten year relationship just shouts commitment phobic. Don't go there, you deserve better and so does his fiancé. I agree. Girlinlove...Where does his fiance live? When and why did you start going to his house? It's easy to enjoy how someone makes you feel and to get carried away by those feelings that "feel so right", yet feelings alone do not make a real relationship that is good for you and lasting. This man is showing so many red flags and I doubt this story will end happily for you. You can live without him. You've done so all your life until and can do so again. To say you can't live without some man you met only 4 months ago is silly. That is not a long time at all. Does he pay your bills? Pump oxygen into you? What exactly does he do that NO other man can do? If your answers are about him making you feel good...then that isn't a sufficient reason for continuing, as feelings often lead people astray. I'd suggest you tell him your true feelings. Do you guys even talk about his relationship and why he is doing this with you? Tell him you feel uncomfortable and don't want to be his OW and unless he plans on leaving his fiance to be with you, that you can't see him anymore. Do that and watch his response... Edited June 1, 2012 by MissBee
Heather1 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 He's setting you up, BIG TIME!! Put the attraction aside & look @ the real offer & think more about what you want out of life. Where do you see yourself?? W/ a h & family? Heavy career & need a part time R @ your convenience? REALLY think about your needs & future R goals, write it down. Write down his offer & see if it matches up. All I can say is it's really hard to get out of & you still have a choice. If you want a normal R & family, kiss this guy & you can kiss all that goodbye. 1
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Hi there, I have met a man 4 months ago and we have been in touch ever since. We talk on the phone, text, and I visit his house regularly. It would be a perfect relationship only he is engaged and his been with his gf for 10 years. I know what I'm doing is wrong but I cannot help myself. We I visit his place we don't have sex but I know we both want too. The only thing stopping me is the thought of his fiance. I know he'd feel guilty about it therefore have resisted temptation. Last night he asked me if I could ever love him, too which I said I didn't want to answer his question although I think I do have feelings for him. I don't want to be the OW yet I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like a horrible person and hate myself for doing what I'm doing but it just feels so right and I don't know what to do! Its really effecting me as I think of nothing else all day, I could cry at the person I've become. Words of advice would be appreciated He's invested 10 years of his life with someone else and what he's doing to her with your help is absolutely disguisting. Imagine being his fiance and then finding out another woman has been in YOUR house with him fooling around! If you truly DO NOT want to be the OW, DON'T be one. If you love him and want him, then tell him to end things with her, or even tell him that if he doesn't tell her, YOU will. Then at least something will happen either way. Right now he has two women in his life and he needs to make a choice. As do you. Continue on this path you'll hate yourself even more. Be strong! You've known him for FOUR months, she's known him TEN years!! The time you've invested in him vs his time with her.. Think about that. Allowing yourself to get close to an engaged man and let yourself fall for him, build something with him knowing he's with someone else - You set yourself up for a lot of pain and heartache. What is it you want? Remember fact that he has done this to her while engaged just shows the type of man he is. Instead of ending things with her, being honest to say he met someone else and isn't sure of getting married, he's allowing YOU in THEIR house, possibly soon in THEIR bed.. I hope that does make you sick because it's wrong. I'm not judging you, just pointing out that if you are really grossed out by all this, then just stop! Don't be that type of person who helps him cheat on his future wife. It'll hurt when you end it. Better now than later.. What are you going to do if she finds out? Can you face her and own your part in this? What if she kicks him out and says HERE, take him, he's yours. Can you trust him? Look at what he's done to her, the woman he's known and been with for so many years.. After four months with you, what makes you think he'll treat you any better than he has his own fiance? Think long term here, not just in the heat of the moment. Sorry if my words may come off harsh. I just want you to really think about this and understand the consquences and possible fallout of all this as it's only a matter of time before she finds out. A neighbour could tell her some girl keeps going to their house when she isn't there, or worse! She could come home and catch you two! 1
Quiet Storm Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 I know what I'm doing is wrong but I cannot help myself. The only thing stopping me is the thought of his fiance. I don't want to be the OW yet I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like a horrible person and hate myself for doing what I'm doing Its really effecting me as I think of nothing else all day, I could cry at the person I've become. You are not at the mercy of your emotions. Since you feel guilty about this, values have been instilled in you that make you feel that this is wrong. Doing things that are against your values, even if they feel good in the moment, will make you feel bad. Many OW resort to a coping mechanism called "cognitive dissonance" to be able to continue the affair, in spite of it being against their values. This is a type of denial that allows a person to rationalize behavior that they know is wrong. They don't want to stop because it feels so good, so they minimize all the bad parts. It works for awhile, but it is not an emotionally healthy way to be. You don't seem to understand that you have power over your actions. A two year old will throw a temper tantrum when his anger overwhelms him. As he matures, he learns to control that anger. You can do the same thing with attraction and romantic emotions. You do not have to act on the attraction that you feel. You do not have to respond to a man that pursues you. Responding to him, answering his calls, spending time with him, are all choices that you are making, at your own detriment. From what I have quoted above, your internal warning system is reminding you about your values. You can either listen to it and stay true to the person that are, or you can choose immediate gratification. This didn't "just happen". Your actions and choices got you here. 4
jwi71 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Hi there, I have met a man 4 months ago and we have been in touch ever since. We talk on the phone, text, and I visit his house regularly. It would be a perfect relationship only he is engaged and his been with his gf for 10 years. I know what I'm doing is wrong but I cannot help myself. We I visit his place we don't have sex but I know we both want too. The only thing stopping me is the thought of his fiance. I know he'd feel guilty about it therefore have resisted temptation. Last night he asked me if I could ever love him, too which I said I didn't want to answer his question although I think I do have feelings for him. I don't want to be the OW yet I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like a horrible person and hate myself for doing what I'm doing but it just feels so right and I don't know what to do! Its really effecting me as I think of nothing else all day, I could cry at the person I've become. Words of advice would be appreciated If you don't control yourself who does? It's really quite simple, stop texting, calling, and being around him. Just stop. If you fear you cannot resist a temptation then do NOT place yourself anywhere near the temptation for instance, I LOVE cheesecake despite the fact that it makes my pants smaller (weird huh ). Knowing I cannot resist cheesecake I do not often eat at The Cheesecake Factory. Control yourself. It's all up to you. 1
Capris Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 @Girlinlove Dont do it! This is what im talking about in another thread of mine, you are in the exact situation most of us have been, yet you are asking people for help before you;ve even made it an official A, which is good! Listen to all the advice that is given here. Put your emotions aside for a moment, as much as you can at least, and think. Think about what you are exactly getting into. Sure, he makes you feel great! Im 100% sure about the feelings that are being developed between the two of you. You two may make a super couple also, BUT, think. Are you willing to hide those GREAT feelings for some time(years maybe) waiting for him to leave his fiance ? Imagine this. She is his fiance now, you get into an affair and so on, instead of dumping his fiance, he decides to get married, cause if he's not capable of dumping the girlfriend, trust me, he'll get married. If you still stay, you will witness the birth of his first child. Are you ready for all of this? Im sure you are not, you seem like a good person. If this relationship is meant to be, he will do what he has to in order for it to start. You have all the right to stand up for yourself and tell him "if you want me, you should break up and be honest to both of us". I hope everything goes well and even if you decide to start the affair, we'll still be here to support you along the way! Stay strong and FIGHT for what you deserve! Take care!
Happyface Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Recently xMM began texting and emailing me again. He was attempting to pressure me back into the A which ended 18 months ago. He wrote in an email that he was working very hard and TRYING HIS BEST to make up to his wife for having had the A with me, but would I reconsider my position and start seeing him again. It was his last email as I blocked him after that. See the contradiction? You say you are trying but your actions don't marry up. Get out of it now before it gets physical. Happy Face. 1
Capris Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 You have only known this guy 4 months and you state you can't image your life without him? Is that an exaggeration? I agree with most of your post except this part. This part is the emotional part. No logic applies here. I can understand her. This is the main reason most of us run around blinded from the plain logic. 1
marilla Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 walk away from this. He is engaged period! Anyways what do you want with an man that has zero respect for the woman he got engaged to and has been with for 10 years? Is that the idea of your special someone? a lier and cheater ?Don't you think you deserve better? And let's say you do get involved with him, have sex with him, what does that show to him about you? The woman that sleeps or gets involved with taken men. After he has sex with you deeply inside he will have no respect for you even if he says different. And what about his fiance? what about her feelings? I say walk and don't look back. There is a much better guy for you out there! Stop spending time with him, no texting, just be civil if you happen to see him. When you do this you will forget much easier. Go out, have fun and forget about this.
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