do you regret telling others?

[frozensprouts]

If your spouse had an affair, did you tell you family/ friends about it? If you chose to reconcile, or if you didn't, looking back, do you regret that?

 

If you chose to reconcile, did you find that it make it more difficult that people in your family/circle of friends knew what happened, or did you find their support helped you through the process? Did you lose any friends who didn't agree with your choices?

 

I'm pretty lucky. When my husband cheated, I felt really lost, and probably told a lot more people ( a few close friends and family) than I should have. Luckily, they were all supportive and don't seem to hold his actions against him. I know he still feels a certain "awkwardness" around my parents, but it's gotten so much better, although we didn't visit them for about six months after we reconciled.

[beenburned]

No, I don't regret telling family or friends. I received lots of support.

 

They have not held it against him because he was very remorseful and proved himself totally commited to me and our marriage.

[Woggle]

Nope. She had no issue telling people all kind of lies about me so why not tell the truth about her?

[silktricks]

I didn't tell anyone. We are reconciled and I am very glad I didn't talk about it. I am a private person IRL and would have a hard time knowing that people were aware of what occurred.

[VivienViolet]

As a fWS, I was embarrassed when my H told our family. Looking back, I am glad he did, because I now know that he needed that support from them. I'm sorry that it wasn't me who gave him that support back then. Thank goodness he gave me the chance to right my wrongs. I'm not sure we would have made it had it not been for the support from those around us.

[96nole]

The first time: only immediate family knew. I didn't regret telling them. I didn't tell any of my friends because I tried to keep the damage contained. She was uncomfortable around my parents for a bit. But things seemed to get better. I would say 6 months later, there wasn't any uncomfortableness that I could see between her or my parents.

 

The second time: I'm telling anything with ears what she did. I don't regret it at all. I want the world to know what a lying, cheating, whore she is. Some of my friends and family are telling everyone they know as well. Some of their circles cross with the ex's circle. The ex has been trying to play it off as if she is the poor innocent victim. Saying that they have "no idea what it was really like to be with him". Unfortunately for her, too many people really know me and have been calling her out on it.

 

I made a post on facebook last week that said: "New rule: if someone lies to you for over a year, you can spend over a year telling the truth about them"

 

The truth is getting out about her and she doesn't like it. I DON'T REGRET IT ONE BIT!!!

 

I haven't lost any friends but she has. Of course they were my friends when me and the ex started dating. But she's known them for 15 years and became quite friendly with them. I may not ever talk to her friends again. That's OK, I couldn't stand them anyway. And that's really only a few people.

 

She's lost all my family. And that's a lot of people. She's even lost the respect from some of her own family. And as small as her family is, that losing a lot as well.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Over the years I have shared my situation with a selected few friends and a few family members. Initially it was liberating to break the silence. To keep it secret seemed to give the affair more power over me and my WW.

 

However, I quickly discovered that people (friends and family alike) do not like to get too involved in such taboo situations. Friends and family members responded initially with voiced support, but soon withdrew because it is too heavy for them to deal with. One close family member told me "I don't like to talk about it, it makes me too uncomfortable." The only friends who were able to handle to heaviness of my burdens are my clergy friends and a fellow betrayed husband.

 

It's been my experience that friends/family are too wrapped up in their own lives to get bogged down with my dirty laundry.

[Jethro]

Yes, I somewhat regret telling everyone what happened. The problem with it is once you bring them in, it's hard to get them out.

[frozensprouts]

I guess it's true that you can't "untell' people...once they know, they know.

 

I didn't tell people because I wnated to make my husband look bad, I told them because I was feeling so lost and really didn't know what to do. I think that part of me was hoping for someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay in the end, no matter what happened.

[MissBee]

I didn't tell anyone. We are reconciled and I am very glad I didn't talk about it. I am a private person IRL and would have a hard time knowing that people were aware of what occurred.

 

I have not been in the situation, and hope not to ever be, but as of now I don't think I'd tell too many people. My 3 bestfriends, which includes my sister, I would confide in them about it, not sure about my family though. My dad is a serial cheater and I frankly don't think telling him or my mother would do any good for me....as they have their own mess and I don't think they'd be able to offer much help to my situation

 

It depends on what I decided to do. If I was divorcing him I'd tell more people. If I were trying to reconcile, I'd tell less people. My bestfriends would be first on call and maybe the only ones on call - them and a counselor. I'd keep my family and extended family and his family out of it. I have really good friends who are very caring, wise, supportive and spiritual so I think there support would be sufficient. I feel telling more people than that would stress me out more than help me.

[SomedayDig]

Well, because my wife chose someone who was kind of known to our circle of friends, they obviously knew after it all came out. They have been very supportive of us, however one family has taken issue a little bit because the affair caused the breakup and soon to be divorce of the xOM. Safe to say, maybe they could have reconciled IF the xOM had chosen to tell the truth to his BS instead of lying and making me the one to tell her the truth. My wife and I haven't told anyone else, except she did tell her sister in confidence. Her sister has been very supportive as well...even offering to come take care of the kids if we ever need "time away".

 

No regrets. The only "bad" to come out of it is a strained relationship with one family of our friends. As I said to my wife, if they aren't friend's of OUR marriage, then so be it. We don't need them as friends if they want to "choose" sides.

[Anywhere]

He didn't tell anyone, but I did. The only one I regret telling is my Mom-certainly more than his. Mine is very judgey about it and often asks if I am worried that I'll "slip" again. Everyone else has been understanding while I try and work on me.

[Spark1111]

I so needed support that I told a few trusted friends and family members and I do not regret it one bit.

 

Interesting that the people I told loved him as much as me and worked very hard to support the BOTH of us and whatever the outcome would be.

 

I asked one woman who surprised me at work right after dday to please not tell anyone. We live in a small town and I did not want gossip to hurt my children. She and her H were acquaintances of ours and we had all just returned from a weekend away when I discovered my H's affair on his cell phone.

 

Well, she told "the group." Needless to say we no longer see them, and a few others, anymore.

 

Also interesting to note is the first words out of his mouth were, "Please don't tell anyone."

 

That felt like such a violation to me, to be asked to continue to keep THEIR secret and I refused.

 

However, their entire workplace was VERY aware of the inappropriateness of their relationship.

 

Wonder why they were so OBLIVIOUS to that.....Sheesh....

[MollyBrown]

I told the three people I am closest to and I did regret it for a while. But years later, they see that he really has changed and the situation isn't so uncomfortable anymore. I still wish I hadn't told two of them, but I was a complete mess and didn't know where to turn.

 

My FWH had a job where there was a brag about your conquests atmosphere, so they knew. When he gave up that lifestyle and recommitted to me, he said he felt like such an a** about his past behavior and was uncomfortable about being around people who knew every day. He recently started working at a different company with a completely different atmosphere and he is much more relaxed now. I feel much better, too. It was difficult for me because I felt like they all knew what a big fool I was and I didn't even want to see them. His new job has been a real blessing for us.

[Furious]

It was hard telling my parents, they loved him like a son.

When I told my parents and siblings I had been keeping it myself for over a month and thought I would explode.

 

I only told my oldest and most trusted girlfriend and she has been the best, not judgmental, just someone who cheered my up, hugged me when I cried, and got drunk with me a couple of times...hahaha

 

No I don't regret it.

[jwi71]

I told everyone I could: friends, family, co-workers. If I thought they had even the slightest right to know, I told them.

 

She was furious about it though.

 

I ultimately divorced her about 9 months after D-day.

 

I do not think the disclosure played a mentionable role in the D or the decision to D.

 

I have ZERO regrets about it. Only with disclosure was I able to truly tell who was on my/our side and who supported her A and the OM.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I wish I had told people sooner...though I'm glad I waited to tell my mother and sister until after we had decided to D.

[drifter777]

I felt so much shame I told no one. Shame for my wife's behavior (sluting around) and shame for being so emotionally weak that I did not walk away. I have finally told a counselor about all of it, but have never burdened anyone else. I have no regrets.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm a very private person too. I told my bestie and told her she could tell her H. A few hours before the moving van arrived at the house I called xHs mother and told her. She would have seen the van and I wanted to let her know I was leaving. I told her why and that he'd have to give her the details and decide who else in the family was to know. I told her to not blame his OW. I knew they'd end up together and I didn't want her to be punished for what he did. I told my mother after I'd been divorced about a year. I didn't want her to hate him and cause any more drama than was happening. When my stepkids asked me what was going on I told them that once they'd talked to their dad then I'd answer anything they asked.

 

Everyone at work put 2 and 2 together because we separated and they were together in a flash. I think I told my boss. I'm actually not sure. I remember thinking to myself---what happens if I fall apart at work. I need someone to know. My daughter was a child and when the questions came out later in her life she got the truth as well.

 

I would never, ever have made it common knowledge. I'm one who doesn't see the sense in that but that's how I am-private.

[Snowflower]

Do I regret telling friends and family about my husband's behavior? Well, yes and no.

 

Friends (and I only told a few who I thought I could trust)...they were almost unilaterally supportive. A couple of them got "weird" or distanced themselves from me for whatever reason (I never asked) and I discontinued the friendship right then and there. I didn't have time for people like that.

 

Family...I wish I had not said anything because it has caused some hard feelings between my family and my H. I cannot drop them like I did with my unsupportive friends. But, I don't see my family all that often since we don't live near each other. Hopefully in time it will smooth over and I will never feel any shame for any of my actions. However, I wish I had been more together in those early days and hadn't blurted it out like I did.

 

However, I have found that most people (friends and family) are too wrapped in their own lives to pay a lot of attention to what is going on in mine and that is a very good thing.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

You know, even in my fragile state I could tell who was truly supportive --and non=judgemental--of both he and I and who needed all the prurient details because it either provided some salacious stimulus OR, THEY needed reassurance it would never happen to them.

 

That was selfish and very human, on their part but it was of no help to me whatsoever so I distanced myself from those people.

 

I also avoided certain friends and family members who adored us, almost emotionally so, as they would NEVER be able to look at him the same and as he would always be the father of my children, I did not want my kids to have to bear their father's shame in the eyes of those who would judge him oh, so, harshly.

 

What amazed me the most? Those members of the family and some friends who had experienced infidelity themselves and NEVER told a soul until our sitch hit the fan.

 

Then they told me.

 

I cannot tell you how shocked I was, and how I concluded very quickly that the majority were unhealed, rug-sweepers, who went quietly back to the status quo.

 

It dismayed me, and while polite, I ignored much of their advice. I am a truth seeker and could no more pretend it was all okay for appearance's sake than I could grow another head. I married for love, not security nor a paycheck.

 

EVERYONE wanted to know who she was, whether to seek retribution on my behalf or, out of insecurity, to compare us. I told no one, though a few, those he worked with, did correctly surmise. I did not lie. What was the point?

 

I did not want to tell my young adult children, but my oldest daughter is very intuitive and knew when she saw me sobbing after a wonderful family vacation that there is only one reason I could be crying, trying to hide it from her, and packing a bag. When asked, I couldn't lie to her either.

 

There had been enough damage done by lying to our family.

 

I told my children to speak with their father.

Maybe he could explain it because at that point, I still knew nothing much.

 

I am amazed at that time of devastation, I still had some foresight and wisdom to act as rationally as I did.

 

I am pretty proud of whatever restraint I did show.

 

Hey, I didn't rent a billboard outside his corporate office. Some have.

[Radagast]

As a former unfaithful spouse I have no regret telling others. They provided me with the support to get out.

[Steadfast]

I am amazed at that time of devastation, I still had some foresight and wisdom to act as rationally as I did.

 

I am pretty proud of whatever restraint I did show.

 

I agree. I feel the same. I didn't even tell our kids about her sleeping around. Even after she moved out. They probably knew, but they didn't get anything from me. For someone accused of being manipulative, my actions shocked her. I had a support group of two couples. My family knew but I didn't involve them. They were devastated and angry.

 

Her drama seeking friends and family got nothing from me. And while they hated me anyway, it was unfounded. When I'd see one somewhere, I'd just smile politely. The burning coals heaped higher...with nowhere to go.

 

I didn't expose for her, and for me. For her, it was the last and only way I could prove how much I loved her. Nothing else I said or did spoke as strongly as being kind but absolutely out of the picture. For me, it kept the shreds of my self esteem intact. Honor was all I had. I am proud of it, and can never thank the people who influenced and encouraged me enough.

[Benedictatu]

He told everyone I was the last one to know everyone knew even my staff who reported to me and I could not give them orders when they were looking at me with such pity it was horrible and so when he told me I did not believe him I was so embarrassed and ashamed everyone knew and I could not face anyone I had to pretend it was all just made up. My counsellor said until I accept that it happened and that he is with her now I won't be able to move on but I don't want to move on I want him to come back and it all to go away especially her to go away and I wish he had not told everybody they all love her and want to be with her now instead of us being a family and if he had not told everybody we could just forget it and move on and still be a family but when the whole world knows then you have nothing left. Only shame.

[MollyBrown]

He told everyone I was the last one to know everyone knew even my staff who reported to me and I could not give them orders when they were looking at me with such pity it was horrible and so when he told me I did not believe him I was so embarrassed and ashamed everyone knew and I could not face anyone I had to pretend it was all just made up. My counsellor said until I accept that it happened and that he is with her now I won't be able to move on but I don't want to move on I want him to come back and it all to go away especially her to go away and I wish he had not told everybody they all love her and want to be with her now instead of us being a family and if he had not told everybody we could just forget it and move on and still be a family but when the whole world knows then you have nothing left. Only shame.

 

The shame belongs on your husband and the OW, not you.