Reputations

[beenburned]

Reading Sid's thread about her OW's multiple conquests of MM led me to ask this question.

 

Do you think the reputation of a woman(or man) gets around?(office or public)

 

The reason I ask is, back when H was cheating, his co-workers always talked about who was easy to get sex from.

 

There was a huge fall out when one girl turned up pregnant because she had no idea which one was the father. After the child was born, her lawyer had 10 men take DNA tests, all from H's company! One was found to be the father and ordered to pay child support.

[frozensprouts]

I think that if someone, male or female, is, as the old expression goes "getting around", peole will talk. As much as they might not like to believe it. most people will at least listen to office gossip, and many will share it with whom ever will listen to them.

[Got it]

I think it depends on the size of the company and potentially the industry. It would not factor in at my company as people's personal lives are their personal lives and it is not a company that tries to get in the middle of it. While there is gossip, I can't recall it factoring in. I think everyone recognizes that most people have skeletons in their closets.

[Spark1111]

OMG! Yes!

 

My H and I BOTH work in a very conservative field; his field (and her's, they were co-workers) even more so.

 

There is gossip and innuendo in every office, especially about relationships whether romantically illicit or not.

 

And fairly or not, men and women will talk about who is "easy" and who is marriage or dating material.

 

I am still amazed at what they risked in the workplace and that they were oblivious to the fact that most of the women who worked with them were very keenly aware of the inappropriateness of their reltionship.

 

It would be a fireable offense at both his workplace and mine to engage in an EMR. One would be asked to resign.

[nofool4u]

Reading Sid's thread about her OW's multiple conquests of MM led me to ask this question.

 

Do you think the reputation of a woman(or man) gets around?(office or public)

 

Most definitely, especially in a small town. There is a woman at my office that all the women hate, and the men, if they are smart will avoid like the plague unless they want their wives thinking something is up with the office runaround.

 

 

The reason I ask is, back when H was cheating, his co-workers always talked about who was easy to get sex from.

 

Yes, I hear that talk in certain circles here at work. I avoid it though, not because I don't think its true, but because I don't want to be caught feeding into it in the case of a sexual harassment suit, as ironic as that would be.

 

There was a huge fall out when one girl turned up pregnant because she had no idea which one was the father. After the child was born, her lawyer had 10 men take DNA tests, all from H's company! One was found to be the father and ordered to pay child support.

 

I feel so bad for the kids in that situation. Breaks my heart. As long as their are selfish people in the world, there will be alot of kids that more than likely will grow up with a crappy childhood.

[Wanderer25]

Reading Sid's thread about her OW's multiple conquests of MM led me to ask this question.

 

Do you think the reputation of a woman(or man) gets around?(office or public)

 

The reason I ask is, back when H was cheating, his co-workers always talked about who was easy to get sex from.

 

There was a huge fall out when one girl turned up pregnant because she had no idea which one was the father. After the child was born, her lawyer had 10 men take DNA tests, all from H's company! One was found to be the father and ordered to pay child support.

 

 

Bella was approached by another man and she does not realize yet that the word is getting around.

[cocorico]

Reading Sid's thread about her OW's multiple conquests of MM led me to ask this question.

 

Do you think the reputation of a woman(or man) gets around?(office or public)

 

 

I think it depends on where you work and who you hang out with. In my work environment the kind of reputation that gets around is how professional you are, whether your colleagues like you and get on well with you or not, whether you're a team player or not, whether you're a bully or not, etc. Who you've slept with is regarded as your own business, and no big deal anyway.

[beenburned]

Spark,

 

You brought up a good point about it being a fireable offense if caught at work!

 

At my H's work they are required to wear uniforms. There are strict rules about what you are allowed to do when in that uniform.(as you represent the company- both in the office and in public)

 

How stupid can you get to risk a good paying job w/excellent benefits for a few minutes of sex on the job!

[Artie Lang]

like the saying goes....."Your reputation precedes you."

[Spark1111]

Spark,

 

You brought up a good point about it being a fireable offense if caught at work!

 

At my H's work they are required to wear uniforms. There are strict rules about what you are allowed to do when in that uniform.(as you represent the company- both in the office and in public)

 

How stupid can you get to risk a good paying job w/excellent benefits for a few minutes of sex on the job!

 

Even more oblivious in my opinion is assuming you are hiding things so well that no one could possibly know.

 

Many women have a relational spidey-sense radar. Everyone knew!

[Radagast]

My wife, ex-wife and I all work in the same field and we have all worked at the same organisation. It is a very large organisation and couplings and uncouplings are very common, but these are regarded as private business and not of any concern to the organisation. Idle gossip is far more likely to concern who works hard and who does not, or who got unfairly promoted because of influential people they know outside of the organisation, than it is to concern who had sex with whom unless it concerns a celebrity. Having sex with a colleague would only become a disciplinary offence if it occurred in public and frightened off the punters or similtaneously involved large-scale fraud, in which case the fraud would be the disciplinary offence.

[Radagast]

Many women have a relational spidey-sense radar. Everyone knew!

 

Simply knowing something about someone does not make or break a reputation. It's only when people care enough about it to talk or gossip about it that it affects reputation.

[Owl]

Simply knowing something about someone does not make or break a reputation. It's only when people care enough about it to talk or gossip about it that it affects reputation.

 

I'd suspect that there may be a difference in culture here around how "sleeping around" is viewed in your office vs how it's viewed in other cutlures.

 

You may have posted this before...but do you work in the U.S. or in a Western/"English" based culture, or work in a different cultural environment than that?

 

Not asking you to disclose said culture...simply asking if your cultural references are different from the majority of posters here, since most of the posters on this site seem to be Western-culture based.

[carhill]

Do you think the reputation of a woman(or man) gets around?(office or public)

IME, in my social and business circle, the 'gossip' gets around but substantial effects on social and professional 'reputation' generally turn upon popularity and attractiveness. Generally, the more popular and attractive, the less injurious gossip of 'indiscretions' is to reputation. For a wonderfully illustrative example, peruse the life and times of our 35th POTUS. MM could have fellated him under the podium while giving the state of the union address and everyone still would've been smiling and saying positive things about him. That's how it goes IME.

[frozensprouts]

not sure if it's significant or not, but I noted that those who responded that their workplace doesn't consider "reputation" as mentioned in the first post to be of any relevance are also predominately other men/women.

 

While this does not mean their input/opinion is not valid, it is possible that their perception may be different than that of someone not involved in an affair.

[Owl]

IME, in my social and business circle, the 'gossip' gets around but substantial effects on social and professional 'reputation' generally turn upon popularity and attractiveness. Generally, the more popular and attractive, the less injurious gossip of 'indiscretions' is to reputation. For a wonderfully illustrative example, peruse the life and times of our 35th POTUS. MM could have fellated him under the podium while giving the state of the union address and everyone still would've been smiling and saying positive things about him. That's how it goes IME.

 

Here's my thought. I think "reputation gets around"...but how people react to that information depend mostly on their own personal views of the actions that are being gossiped about.

 

If I personally hear about someone being unfaithful...I generally don't repeat it...but by the same token I don't wish to have any PERSONAL interaction with someone who will do something like that...given my own 'personal view' on infidelity. I don't let it affect my work interactions...but I WILL let it be a factor in deciding if I will have any other interaction with that person.

 

How it's perceived...and how it's reacted to...is dependent upon the receiver's viewpoint of the actions that are being discussed.

[MissBee]

It depends on where you work; some work places seem to involve more petty gossip than other work places. Each work environment has its own culture so that determines everything: how much people talk, what they talk about, what they observe, what they say about what they observe etc.

 

For some reason I think of Grey's Anatomy (the tv show) ....that work environment, though fictional, I can imagine some places may be like that - where everyone is sleeping with everyone else and everyone is talking about it.

 

I imagine too in a situation where the environment is competitive, that people are keen on reputations and will not take kindly to any sign of possible favoritism, so they would more likely pick up on and discuss office romances, esp in the case where it is between a subordinate and someone with a high rank.

 

But if one does something enough or behaves in such a way as to have a reputation...then that means one is probably obvious or reckless, and if you are, people will talk about you.

Edited June 6, 2012 by MissBee

[Quiet Storm]

People are judgemental.

 

Some judge us by our looks. Some judge us by our social status. Some judge by our race, income or religion.

 

I judge people by their actions.

 

I think people that cheat, sneak and lie have serious character flaws. I would never gossip or spread rumors, but I would choose not to associate myself with or trust people that live their lives that way.

I teach my children the same lessons- to watch a person's actions, and not what they say, to determine their character and their worthiness as a friend, BF/GF.

 

I find it interesting that many OW expect to not be judged by new single boyfriends, if they admit to their previous relationship with a married man. It seems that many OW do not consider that a single man may judge them for this decision. Many don't understand that their past actions show others (regardless of what the OW feels about herself) that they don't value fidelity or respect marriage, that their values only apply in certain situations, and their boundaries are blurred. If you are a single guy looking for a serious relationship, you'd be taking a big risk with a person like that.

 

However, I think many of these people have no insight into their own behavior. They often live moment to moment. They often let their feelings and emotions trump logical thought. Some mature into trustworthy and accountable individuals, and some stay stuck in perpertual immaturity.

 

You can't expect others to ignore your behavior, because that is often all they have to judge you on.

Edited June 6, 2012 by Quiet Storm

[Radagast]

not sure if it's significant or not, but I noted that those who responded that their workplace doesn't consider "reputation" as mentioned in the first post to be of any relevance are also predominately other men/women.

 

While this does not mean their input/opinion is not valid, it is possible that their perception may be different than that of someone not involved in an affair.

 

Or equally likely, those of us who work in environments that are tolerant or supportive of less traditional forms of relationships are more likely to engage in such, and less likely to go to serious lengths to keep such hidden.

[Radagast]

It depends on where you work; some work places seem to involve more petty gossip than other work places. Each work environment has its own culture so that determines everything: how much people talk, what they talk about, what they observe, what they say about what they observe etc.

 

The type of environment would also have an impact. For there to be "office gossip" there needs to be offices, or at least places where people work together or hang out together during or after work, in order to gossip. If people largely work apart from each other, each doing their own thing, there is less likely to be gossip than where people are together all day in the same workspace.

[2sure]

My personal opinions about those who participate in affairs are pretty harsh - having been burned myself. But Im realistic & try not to be righteous so I dont discuss anyone that I work with professionally. Work place affairs are common and over looked in every profession, regardless of corp. rules.

 

That being said, I have noticed in the past few years that more and more people that Ive worked with, have the opinion that someone who engages in a workplace affair is also professionally unreliable. They arent so much criticizing morals as they are questioning judgment, discretion, self discipline, and of course the ability to put work over one's personal life - which is important in many fields.

 

Even people who are OK with the infidelity or promiscuity of others , still look down on someone who cannot use discretion, who is the subject of gossip. Its becoming a career killer.

 

Golden Rule of Infidelity or Sex:

 

You dont shyte where you eat.

Its bad form and its stupid.

[Radagast]

Golden Rule of Infidelity or Sex:

 

You dont shyte where you eat.

Its bad form and its stupid.

 

This may be true generally but it is much more nuanced.

 

Sex with a colleague in a different department - bad if it is a competitor department, good if it is a cognate department, neutral if it is neither.

 

Sex with a colleague in your department - good, neutral or bad. If they are the head of department, very bad. If you are the head of department, worse still. If they are a peer, usually neutral, unless they have expectations of happy ever after and your expectations are quicky in the photocopy room, then bad. If it leads to research cooperation, then good.

 

Sex with an administrator - unless you are also an administrator, bad. If you are head of department, very bad. If you are married to each other, neutral.

 

Sex with an undergraduate student - always bad, even if you don't and never will teach them or examine them, even if they are a mature student of similar age to you, even if you know them outside of the university environment.

 

Sex with a graduate student in your own department - risky. You are likely to have to mark or moderate work or internally examine a thesis if they are working in your area, which would be bad to very bad. If they are a research student in an entirely different area and you know with certainty you will never be called on in any capacity to influence any outcomes regarding their progress, work or thesis, neutral, but a high-risk strategy. (If they are a research student and you are supervising their thesis there is almost an expectation in many departments that you will leave your wife for them, marry and start a second family, especially if they are very bright and very attractive and your current wife is in administration and menopausal.If your wife is a former research student whose thesis you supervised then you are exempt from this expectation.)

 

Sex with a graduate student in another department - neutral or good, especially if your wife is in administration and menopausal and the student is bright and attractive with a promising career ahead.

 

Sex with a senior manager - neutral if you are married to them. Bad otherwise, unless you plan on marrying them and moving into management yourself.

[2sure]

I can see where it would continue to be acceptable in some professions like academia or hospitals...but in the corporate worlds of finance, sales, & marketing - it is more & more important to be ableto use discretion and keep your private life to yourself.

[Spark1111]

My personal opinions about those who participate in affairs are pretty harsh - having been burned myself. But Im realistic & try not to be righteous so I dont discuss anyone that I work with professionally. Work place affairs are common and over looked in every profession, regardless of corp. rules.

 

That being said, I have noticed in the past few years that more and more people that Ive worked with, have the opinion that someone who engages in a workplace affair is also professionally unreliable. They arent so much criticizing morals as they are questioning judgment, discretion, self discipline, and of course the ability to put work over one's personal life - which is important in many fields.

 

Even people who are OK with the infidelity or promiscuity of others , still look down on someone who cannot use discretion, who is the subject of gossip. Its becoming a career killer.

 

Golden Rule of Infidelity or Sex:

 

You dont shyte where you eat.

Its bad form and its stupid.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly!

 

I do not care what field you work in or what your personal views of infidelity are outside of work.

 

Personal relationships have no place in the workplace. They distract, become the subject of gossip and gossip slows productivity, period.

 

If your wife or child calls, it is acceptable, even encouraged, that the call be taken immediately. Your boyfriend or girlfriend? Eyes roll.

 

Your married lover? OMG! Your lack of discretion and poor judgement is observable and disparaged by all.

 

And that includes texts, emails, and personal cell phone calls.

 

People know....whether the lovers are oblivious to it or not.

[Snowflower]

 

Your married lover? OMG! Your lack of discretion and poor judgement is observable and disparaged by all.

 

And that includes texts, emails, and personal cell phone calls.

 

People know....whether the lovers are oblivious to it or not.

 

Add to this the fact that affairs require LOTS of communication to keep them going...much more so than a normal relationship between single people.

 

So where does at least some of this necessary extra communication take place? In the workplace, of course...away from the prying eyes of the BS. All this extra communication leads to loss of productivity, misuse of company resources (office phones, company emails) and time that could have been spent on work-related tasks...is spent communicating with the AP.

 

No wonder employers don't like it!