manup Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I thought i said that I'm not blaming her for using. That is all on me. If I didn't say it in my 1st post I surely meant to disclose that. You can find the truth you just need to press her for it, threaten a lie detector test. She cheated on you, and might have more times. Just think about how oblivious you've been for six years.
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Personally, if you're using that much, I'd be fixing my OWN laundry before I attempt to teach my spouse how to act.
Author haremmac Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 I agree about "cleaning the laundry" and I have been clean for 2.5 years. I should have paid more attention to my wording on my original post. Thanks for pointing that out. I have been in discussions with her the past few weeks about this and how I have been feeling about her cheating . In retaliation she brings up how much it hurt her that I used. I don't argue with her about my use and take full responsibility for that choice. The problem is that she said she moved past it but everytime I want to express by feelings she brings it up. I don't know what to say so I just end the discussion and begin to feel resentment. I'm not sure how to approach this since she clearly is not over what I did. I have brought this up with our counseler and she is going to help us address this next meeting. That is in 2 weeks and would like to be able to talk with her before then. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 In retaliation she brings up how much it hurt her that I used. I don't argue with her about my use and take full responsibility for that choice. The problem is that she said she moved past it but everytime I want to express by feelings she brings it up. I don't know what to say so I just end the discussion and begin to feel resentment. I'm not sure how to approach this since she clearly is not over what I did. I have brought this up with our counseler and she is going to help us address this next meeting. That is in 2 weeks and would like to be able to talk with her before then. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Good time for a boundary. "I'm trying to deal with your infidelity. You need to be willing to help me deal with it. And if I have to bring up what happened, I expect you to be able to understand that, and not try to deflect what you did by making me out to be worse. If that's the way it's going to go, I'm going to have to leave the room if you do it again." And then LEAVE the room if she won't discuss what she did and tries to blame you.
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 A great way to improve your marriage, for both of you, is to read Boundaries in Marriage, by Cloud and Townsend.
Author haremmac Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Turnera, thanks for all the advice. I wanted to give you an example of a conversation I recently had with my wife. I may have taken it too far but wanted someones feedback to see if I handled this correctly. This is a conversation where she tries to take the focus off her infidelity and make me feel worse. Me- I was thinking of calling N(om). her-why? Me-well I am having a hard time believing that it all ended with a kiss and feel like I need to hear the other side of the story Her-(long pause-with obvious signs of anger and uncomfortableness) really? I have told you everything that I remember. Plus he probably won't even remember me. Me - if you told me everything then you have nothing to worry about and I can regain some of the trust that was lost. I will be able to begin to put this behind us and move forward. Her-i have told you everything. (Pause) (focus shifting begins) you know I can remember times when you didn't believe me and you had to get proof from an outside source. You never believe me and that really hurts. Me- what? When have I done this? Can you give me an example? Her- (annoyed look on her face) I can't think of a time right now but you have done that and it really hurts me. Me- ok , we are done here. I ended the conversation and she just sat there looking dumbfounded while I turned on the tv for a Dexter episode. Once the show ended I turned everything off and started to go to sleep. She then sat next to me and said,"can we talk?" Me- no. I am extremely pissed off right now and it too late. I need to get some sleep Her-ok Today I haven't really spoken to her and I can tell she is anxious. She is acting hurt but I am just kinda ignoring it trying to figure out how to begin again. I really never planned to call the om but wanted to see what her reaction would be and if I got any more details. I feel like there is more to be told but starting to doubt that as well. Thoughts?
turnera Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Well, first, NEVER threaten to do something just to get a reaction from her. If you do that more than once, she will have good reason to not trust you. You try to manipulate her. Women have MUCH better radars for that than men. Second, you did well. Was that before or after the boundaries discussion? Because that's what a boundary looks like.
turnera Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Although, I would have added, if I were you, 'you're trying to deflect onto me what rightly belongs to you, and I don't appreciate it; if we're going to make it you're going to have to start being willing to accept how you hurt me.'
FryFish Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Dude... CALL THE OM! Dont make threats, make plans! She called your bluff!
Author haremmac Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Yeah I think I will call the guy. The only problem is that it has been so long, I am hoping he will be cooperative as man to another. Going to get the cell records so I can find his number.
Alban Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 sorry bro but I am 100% certain they did **** and that being said very often she doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve her but since you love her I can relate to you, you can't and won't leave her and that should be the right thing, do what you feel I hope you get your answer per phone you deserve the truth. Your wife should be really ashamed for what she did to you, what makes me furius is that she even doesn't say you the truth . Mad world :/
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