haremmac Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Hi, As the title states my wife had an EA about six years ago. Every couple of months I relive the horrible hurt the experience gave me and I obsess about it. I will give you the story so I can get some feedback. This all happened in the spring of 2006 My wife and I were married in Nov of 2003. We were very happy together and when we went to marriage counseling( a requirement before marriage with he church) the counselors were astounded on how wise we were as a new couple. Everything was great. Fast forward a few years. I became very inattentive and admit to not being very affectionate. I believe it is a common occurrence in a newly married couple. Anyway, I was the type of guy who liked to stay home and watch movies vs going out and being social. Don't get me wrong, we did go out fairly often but not enough to satisfy my wife's social needs. My wife landed a new position at a pharmaceutical company as a sales rep. This required training in Arizona for 8 weeks with a few trips home for weekend visits. Needless to say, I missed her terribly and realized my shortcomings. I was so happy to see her on the weekends when she would come to visit and they were great. One thing I was observant about when she was home was the fact that she was on the phone constantly with friends that she had met on this training. I was irritated that she couldn't wait to talk with them until she got back and took time away from our time together. I was able to forget about that and enjoyed our time together while she was home. She finished her training and I was so happy to have her back after those long 8 weeks. This was when things started to get strange. Upon her return she was very distant and acted like a young school girl with her texting and phone calls to friends she made on this training. I found this very irritating and weird. She was constantly on the phone and texting. I finally had enough and asked her who she was doing this with and why she had to talk and text so much. Turns out she was talking and texting with 2 men she had met. One guy (Brad) she had met in the training class and the other guy Nathan she had met when the class went out one night to a club. The majority of the texting and phone calls were with Nathan. Once I found out about this I told her that I was uncomfortable with this and asked her to stop. She told me that they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. I thought about it and let it go. She continued to text and call Nathan and occasionally Brad. I became very suspicious and checked her email which she did not know. I found emails to Nathan that were very inappropriate. It was similar to conversations between a new girlfriend and boyfriend. She invited Nathan to a concert festival that she was going to with a couple of girlfriends. I became very annoyed and confronted her with this and told her that she needed to stop this immediately. I told her to tell Nathan that the invitation to the festival was off and even asked her not to go. She became very defensive and thought I was being ridiculous. To make sure I was acting appropriately I talked with my parents about this. They were disappointed with her and stood by me and told me I was right. I told her that I wanted her to end the relationship and I wanted to be in the room when she called Nathan. I also told her I saw her emails to him and also told her to end this email crap too. She was furious to say the least. She would not call him in front of me but told me she was not going to contact him anymore. I didn't like this and told her I wasn't happy with that and wanted to hear her end it. She acted as if I was crazy and told me that it was done. I had a feeling that this wasn't over and installed snooping programs on the computer just to satisfy my concerns. Thanks God I did. She created a new email account and emailed him the details on how absurd I was acting and how her feelings for me were mixed with anger and how she couldn't believe how jealous I was being. I was so hurt by this and felt so betrayed that I completely blew up at her and she couldn't understand why. Well I showed her the email she sent after she told me it was done. Can you believe that she actually was pissed at me? Well, she was and this created a huge wedge between us. Nathan responded to her email saying that he understood my anger and concerns and basically broke the affair off for her. He did not want to be a marriage wrecker. I was happy to read this. This is basically how it ended. I also told her to end the relationship with Brad as it was escalating since she no longer had Nathan to talk to. Again she was pissed at me but she never called or texted him since. She never felt like she did anything wrong and to this day we never really talked about it. I think through the years she has realized what she did. Since this happened her Mom died, and we have had 3 beautiful kids. We never had time to fully take this apart and talk about it. I want to know the details of how she met Nathan and if anything happened between them. What concerns me is that our 1st child was conceived sometime around the time she got home from the training. SO you can see how I can put this together in my mind. Anyway, I am looking for feedback on how to approach her with addressing this. I think about it a lot and has caused me to use drugs in order to escape the feeling I get from thinking about this. I love her very much and believe that nothing physical happened but there is some doubt. She loves getting attention from men and that is due to the fact that her Dad has been very non existent in her life. She doesnt realize that men give her attention because she is beautiful and has a great personality. She just thinks they are being nice and friendly. I have tried to explain to her that men don't have friends that are women and that they usually are looking for something physical in the end. At least that is how I see it. I don't have any friends that are women and don't want friends that are women. I have the only woman friend I need or want, my wife. Thanks for reading and I would appreciate any feedback on how to talk with her about this given that it has happened so long ago. I have been thinking about doing a DNA test on my 1st born just to be sure. Am I crazy?
jade4071 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 I don't think you sound crazy. Sounds like you and your wife have not dealt with what took place back in 2006, due to the other situations (mom's death, etc) that have taken place since. It will only fester if not dealt with. Did any MC or IC take place back then? I'm no expert but I had an EA back in 2001 (with an ex) and my husband also had an EA (someone he met via work), in 2005. We separated for 4-5 months and went to MC after the situation in 2005. We have both been in IC at various times. MC is not a "cure-all" but I can safely assume in our situation we would not be together today if not for MC; married 17 years this year. Life is never perfect but our relationship is in a much better spot than it's ever been. Your wife has not taken responsibility for the EA's she involved herself in during that time. Concerns you raised regarding Brad and Nathan were disregarded, she went "underground" with her communication after she refused to end it in front of you....red flags. I get what you mean about paternity and the timing but since she hasn't taken responsibility and worked on earning your trust back, how do you know she has stopped engaging in A's? On that note, if you are considering paternity testing for your firstborn you might as well test all three kids.....because you don't know that she's stopped. Not trying to be a jerk at all, just realistic. If I were a man in that situation I know paternity testing would definitely have crossed my mind. This is a stretch but has she ever admitted to either of the EA's you know about progressing into PA's? Did you see anything in her email correspondence indicating PA's?
jade4071 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 (edited) Also, about approaching your wife on dealing with the EA's. On tough issues which approach usually works best with her? Personally speaking, I prefer my husband to just come out with it....whatever it is he wants to discuss, etc. So if he were to say to me (and I was in a 'place' where I was taking responsibility for my actions and willing to work on the marriage) this - an affair - has taken place and it's my opinion we need to start marriage counseling.....that would work for me. I don't mind blunt, cut and dried, to the point, etc (IF I am open to dealing with the problem). But everyone and every relationship is different. A lot of time has taken place between her EA's with Brad and Nathan and now. It doesn't sound as though any of the EA stuff has been dealt with....six years is a long time to not deal! If she's never took responsibility for the EA's along with doing the hard work to earn back your trust, I can't see why she would take responsibility now. Or would she? Have any idea if she's open to MC? It's time to deal with the elephant in the living room.....six years later it's still there and it's not going away, especially not for you. Hang in there - Jade Edited June 1, 2012 by jade4071
2sunny Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 It sucks to wonder about your wife's lack of character. Counseling may help if she agrees to go. If she won't, I'd divorce her. Is she still working? Traveling? Are you getting help for your drug issues? What drug and how much? Can you stop on your own?
turnera Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 You could also get the book Not Just Friends and read it with her. 1
jnj express Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 You handled it pretty strongly in 2006---and your wife fought you tooth and nail---6 yrs later, even tho it bothers you, let it drop----the only possible thing that could move her at all would be a possible threat of D., and since 6 yrs have gone by, and you have kids, circumstances have changed Unfortunately----for many betrayed's the visions, triggers, and memories, may never go away---since you never really got a full admission from her, you do not know what went on when she was training, and your sub--conscious is trying to fill the gaps, cuz it doesn't know what the true story is As to your child---you have had her for all these years, she is your daughter, you are her father---sure you could do a DNA, but at this point what would it gain you What you do need to do, is make sure you stay vigilant---you know what you need to look for---and if you ever get the sense she is cheating, come down extremely harsh, and do not let her manipulate you away from, what you know is probably true It sucks, being a betrayed, just do the best you can, and get thru one day at a time---it may be that after all the kids are grown up, and on their own, and if you still can't get beyond what she has done---you then at that point might wanna set yourself free---where you will have peace of mind, and a carefree life----good luck to you, the sun will come up manana.
2sure Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 She never felt like she did anything wrong and to this day we never really talked about it. It is impossible to recover from infidelity until it has been put on the table and the married partners work together to make the marriage better. The WS has to show remorse so that the BS can forgive. I think through the years she has realized what she did. You dont sound like you think that. Its not too late to talk about it.
Author haremmac Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for all the replys. I went a got the book "not just friends " and there has been some positive and hurtful developments since I insisted that my wife read this book. Since I last posted my wife and I have been communicating like a married couple should. The affair did go physical. She told me that in the 2 nights that this affair developed they had touched each other by hugging, holding hands, and kissed at the car when they said good-bye. I was crushed but now I am grateful that she finally told me the truth. What amazes me is that this encounter only lasted 2-3 meetings between them and how far it went in such a short time. So after she confessed I didn't speak to her for a day and I could tell she felt horrible about everything. I have been having periods of saddness and anger towards her but since there has been so much time and developments since the affair it has been easier to forgive and finally let go. Its amazing when there is a secret how it affects everyone involved. I just wanted to give an update and see what everyones thoughts are. Thanks for your support. Oh and yes we have started MC.
turnera Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Did she write a No Contact letter to OM that YOU sent to him? Necessary! Did she hand you the passwords to all her electronics? Necessary!
frozensprouts Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 do you think that she knows ( really knows) that what she did was wrong and that it really hurt you? If she doesn't "get" it, then what's to stop her from doing it again? Try taking with her about it...not in a judgmental way, but rather in a way that lets her know that it still bothers you. If she does "get it", she'll understand...if she doesn't, then that's not good.
DuckSoup Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for all the replys. I went a got the book "not just friends " and there has been some positive and hurtful developments since I insisted that my wife read this book. Since I last posted my wife and I have been communicating like a married couple should. The affair did go physical. She told me that in the 2 nights that this affair developed they had touched each other by hugging, holding hands, and kissed at the car when they said good-bye. I was crushed but now I am grateful that she finally told me the truth. What amazes me is that this encounter only lasted 2-3 meetings between them and how far it went in such a short time. So after she confessed I didn't speak to her for a day and I could tell she felt horrible about everything. I have been having periods of saddness and anger towards her but since there has been so much time and developments since the affair it has been easier to forgive and finally let go. Its amazing when there is a secret how it affects everyone involved. I just wanted to give an update and see what everyones thoughts are. Thanks for your support. Oh and yes we have started MC. I'm afraid it will get worse. Odds are they had full-on sex. Probably multiple times. Your wife is still trickle-truthing and minimizing, as cheaters all do. Don't blame yourself for not finding out and for your wife's lying, ALL cheaters seem to do exactly what your wife has done/continues to do by lying and minimizing. She has been lying and gaslighting you for six years, she's an expert. Don't settle for anything less than 100% full truth. She has to come clean. This will take some time because cheaters just continually lie to cover it up. 3
Owl Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I will be honest with you...your wife told you what you wanted to hear. It's called "trickle truth". I don't know that I would buy that it was all just "holding hands". Honestly...I suggest you contact a lab on your own about doing a DNA test on the child you're unsure of. Don't ask your wife, don't tell your wife...just do it. See what comes back from that. THEN figure out what you want to do from there.
reboot Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I will be honest with you...your wife told you what you wanted to hear. It's called "trickle truth". I don't know that I would buy that it was all just "holding hands". I was just about to post this same post. Owl always beats me to it. 1
nofool4u Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 harmmac Here is the problem. She carried on emotional affairs with 2 guys. And she was pissed that you found out? Not embarrassed or humble when caught, but she was actually pissed at YOU? This here is the main reason you can't get over it, as if the affairs aren't bad enough. You have a wife that has no remorse for what she has done. She KNOWS she did wrong, but she will tell you that she didn't and get angry with you for finding her out and demanding that it stop. Which tells me that she WILL cheat, emotionally, physically or otherwise if the opportunity presents itself. So I hope she doesn't have to go on business trips, because once you are out of sight you will be out of mind, and she'll have other men's members on her mind. You can't trust her, so the question is, what do you do??
Author haremmac Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 You all make valid points. All I can do is believe that she is being honest with me and try to rebuild the trust that was lost. I have put her through some **** too with my addictions and she has moved past it so I have to at least give her the chance like she did me. If more lies are discovered then that will definately change things. If I ever find out of another EA or PA then we are done and she knows that I will stand by that. Thanks for all your thoughts and things to think about. I owe this forum for helping me get to the truth.
turnera Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 But did you have her write him a NC letter? Do you have her passwords?
FryFish Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 GET THE DNA TEST DONE!!!! Look, she ****ed this guy. 1
turnera Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You don't even have to SEND the NC letter; it's more symbolic and psychological.
Author haremmac Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 NC was established 6 years ago as a demand by me. Dna test was conducted a few weeks ago and he is 100% mine. I do have all her passwords and monitor her activity with a spy program. If she did have sex with him I will never know. I am hoping she di dn't and my gut is comfortable with that. At this point we have been communicating likemarried aacouple should and I am going to see where the MC and this new found communication leads. 2
turnera Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Good to hear. I would suggest that you establish a once-a-week hourlong discussion of how your marriage is going. The rest of the week, you focus on making your marriage amazing. Have you done the Love Buster questionnaire yet?
GLDheart Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 It is on you to choose drugs as an escape. Do not cave to the temptation of blame. It IS NOT HER FAULT YOU ABUSE DRUGS. It is equivelant to her blaming you for the affair.
Author haremmac Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 I thought i said that I'm not blaming her for using. That is all on me. If I didn't say it in my 1st post I surely meant to disclose that.
GLDheart Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I thought i said that I'm not blaming her for using. That is all on me. If I didn't say it in my 1st post I surely meant to disclose that. I am sensitive to the wording: I think about it a lot and has caused me to use drugs in order to escape the feeling I get from thinking about this. It reads as if you are saying "IT" caused you to use drugs as an escape. "It Caused" is a small but important destinction. The proper way of owning the drug use is to say: "I Choose" to escape the feelings by resorting to drug use. Again a small difference but an important one. If the message just came across ambiguous, I hope you can understand my confusion.
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