Ash72311 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 So my husband and I have been married close to a year. I am 21 he is 25. He has two daughters from a previous relationship, which he has custody of. I have been the one playing the mom role since 6 months into our relationship. He recently started a new job with is very demanding of his time, he works up to 80 hrs a week. I have been real bitter lately towards him, because he does not spend time with me or the kids. We recently had an argument in which I exploded at him and told him to leave. I have told him that in the past too, I know I have taken him for granted, I know I have hurt him. I bug him when he gets home from a long day of work, We both at times can be mean times. I know I've done wrong but I want to fix it. I want to make this marriage work. He finally talked to me today after close to two days. He said he doesn't want to try anymore. I just want him to see I am serious about changing. I don't want to loose him nor the kids. I love them all very much and this time away from them is killing me. What can I do to save our marriage?
Woggle Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Like I always say never tell a man to leave unless you mean it.
tears_in_rain Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 What kind of job is he doing that requires up to 80 hours work a week ? You're both young and with two kids to look after do you not think that he is simply working hard to support his family and ensure a solid future for everyone. I get that he needs to spend time with you and his kids also. Could he balance out his work / home time better or does he need to work that much ? Bit more info need dear. Remember there is always a way to talk about things without bitterness. Just grabbing the proverbial stick and jabbing away at someone is not likely to provoke a healthy conversation. Think of a way to approach a conversation without backing someone into a corner and then lashing out. My wife is / was a passive aggressive communicator. Everything would be fine and we would be having a laugh or being relaxed and then bang ! She would attack. Why this. Why that. You don't do this...you don't do that. Not the way to deal with issues. Communication is key in a marriage, young or otherwise. Find a way to speak about troubling issues without getting anyone's heckles up or backing them in a corner. You want to be able to have an open and honest discussion about problems without blaming or mud flinging and try and reach either a compromise or at least a solution that isn't completely tilted on way or the other.
Author Ash72311 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 He works in the oil fields. And he is on call 24/7. When he does have a day off he just wants to spend it playing video games or watching TV. We usually have no problem talking about a problem in our relationship, just late he doesn't have the time. I can sit and have a conversation with him and we will both agree to work on it and it never happens. Which is when Ive turned to being rude and hateful. I want to talk about it Ive made a list on things I will change and what I want out of our relationship. He just wont give me the time to tell him. I know he is hurt, I know I told him to leave but I have come to realize that is not what I want. I don't want to give up on our marriage, I am willing to do anything and everything to save it.
Woggle Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Ask yourself if you just want him back because he says it is over? Is this the classic want what you can't have syndrome? If he was begging you not to leave him would you still want him?
tears_in_rain Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Know that by saying you want to leave or end it that was extremely hurtful and ego bruising thing for him. Even if you were hurting big time it was going to be like a massive kick in the nuts for him. He was going to think that you didn't give a crap that he was working all the hours that God sends to provide for you and his kids no matter if the marriage balance was being tilted. Don't approach the subject when he's playing video games or watching TV if that's his release. Do it on the down time when he's not doing these things or it will seem like your pointing the finger directly at his release points. Don't attack but instead when he's not on the computer or watching TV tell him 'you know, sometimes I feel that when you have a day off and that I'm here and your kids are here we should do something together or go somewhere and find something to do. I understand you need downtime but we're all part of your life too.' Maybe research something you think that everyone might enjoy. Or that at least will make him think that the activity is better than him just sitting in front of a screen. It might seem unfair to expect you to come up with an alternative but until he sees the reasoning behind it and comes up with his own alternative you might have to nudge it all along.
Author Ash72311 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 At Woggle: It's not that I want what I cant have. I wanted him when he was here too. I regret what I said to him this time and in the past. I know I can't take back what I said, but this is our first real argument and I just don't think it's time to end our marriage. We haven't tried anything yet to strengthen our relationship.
Author Ash72311 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 at tears_in_rain: I know I really hurt him by saying that, if I could take it back I would but there is no way that is possible. I don't mind him playing video games I even play with him sometimes and we will sit and watch the same show but, sometime I just want us time, to talk to laugh not glued to the TV. I know I haven't been giving my best to this relationship and I am ready to change that. I want to make him happy. I just hate him being away, its killing me, I know I deserve it. I know I asked for it. But its honestly not what I want I was being selfish and immature and only thinking about myself. I just don't know how to get him to see I know I'm wrong, and I am ready to change it. We are currently living with my family which puts even more strain on our relationship, everyone here nit picks on everything that is done. And everyone has a input on the kids. I know he doesn't want to be here I don't either. I am willing to go anywhere for him. I'm just so scared he really doesn't want to give us a second chance.
Radu Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 (edited) I think that your family nitpicking on him kinda amplified the whole thing. This is what the posters here say when they ask for information. Some try to put themselves into your hubby's shoes and see what he sees, to empathise with him. I'm afraid that you won't like what i have to say. I think you need to get your family of his back. You are a couple now, you are family now. They are your extended family now, and they are probably nice ppl at the core, but in the end he is working 80 hs a week and it causes him huge pressure. With the hs he loses on the road and getting out of work 'mindset' he is probably pushing 100 hs a week. That doesn't leave much time for him or you two, it's 3days and a bit of continous non-stop, no-sleep work related stuff. That's close to half a week he spends on this. If he also started this job recently, he will need time to get accustomed with this, quite some time probably. In my country when a couple gets married, at the religious wedding [christian orthodox], the priest actually makes a gesture with his hands and says 'now you are family, everyone else respect this and back off'. They are your family, and if they are nitpicking on him [and i suspect they are not too thrilled about his kids either], you have the job to make them back off. This is the first thing you must do. You will have to play warden and start protecting him from your family [and his kids]. If you don't already, start packing his lunch and actually show some attention at it [look up on wikipedia japanese customs, lunch packing ... to see what i mean, in their society it shows devotion and wives mostly pack them for their kids but it will probably help a lot here too]. Cooking something is better than making a sandwich. You can do some stuff pretty fast. Hell, i'm a guy and it takes me all of 45min once a week to cook something for quick lunches through the week. 2nd, you need to become a sweetypie with him. Let's face facts, you ****ed up and you need to become repentent. Remember those old swear jars where ppl would drop money whenever they crossed the line ? Maybe do this, as weird as it sounds, but instead of swears tie them to your verbal problems. 3rd, i suspect you don't have a lot of money right now, for therapy and stuff so here is what i want you to do. There's a book called "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. Read it every month, it's a light book, and start to absorb it's wisdom. Find out if there is a club in your area that is based on this book, it might be very cheap. Also, if you go at this club, dress in a very very very conservative way. You have problems at home, there will be other ppl there with problems at home, do not invite disaster by dressing provocatively ... i don't believe you are the type but why invite disaster ? This book is fantastic and was written for business relationships, but those at the base are also relationships, it helps domestic relationships as well. I would even go as far as to keep a journal about your attempts to control your mouth. --- If you think i am trying to convince you to become a 50's housewife, you are partially correct. Doing these things will probably have a huge impact on him, and on your future relationships in your life. 2 and 3 are things that will improve your work relationships drastically as well. The reason you are doing this is because as others have said you dropped a huge bomb on him, one that you should never utter to a guy. After you makeup, keep doing these things, but try to pick a hobby you can do together, cheap stuff you can do together as a family with him and the kids and slowly introduce 'us' time into the mix. The club that is based on this book i told you about, will certainly have a few women/men who are interested in improving their relationships with their SO for sure. Overall the thing is though ... you need to keep doing these things [all of them] for however long it takes. In the long run it is beyond worth it though. PS: If i wasn't obvious enough, at the base of it all is that you don't have much good relationship experience. Edited June 1, 2012 by Radu
Author Ash72311 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 at Radu: I know my family gives us all a hard time, I understand if he doesn't want to come back here. I just can't stand not talking to him, not talking to the kids. If he ever gives me the chance to talk I will be the person I was when we first met. I will let go of all my anger and self pity. I am just hoping for that chance. I don't have money for therapy yet, he has our insurance cards and if he would give me mine I could go. I will look into the book tho. We use to go fishing together, I hate it but he loves it. I will try to see if he would be interested in doing this more. I just really hope he will talk to me soon. I really hope he will give me a second chance to prove I am willing to change everything to make this work and to keep him happy.
Radu Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 He probably will, but he needs time to calm down, this is what guys do. Get that book and read it, that's the best thing you can do right now. You haven't given more info [how he got custody of his 2 kids], but I think he detached himself emotionally because he took your words as serious threat and now he is in 'take care of business' mode. Read this thread if you haven't already : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/322949-men-emotions
Author Ash72311 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 well with the kids we had an agreement with their mom that we would have them one month and she would the next. she originally had custody and he was paying child support. After the first month, we made plans to take the kids back (at the time we were living about 600 miles apart). She asked us if we would keep them until she can get a place for them. We were fine with that because we got to spend more time with them. Well she would go months without calling never came to visit, and kept the child support money. After 8 months of this my husband wanted to move back down south. Which we did to live with my family. And about 3 months after moving back (where we live about 40miles from her now) she still hadn't came to see them, she wouldn't tell us where she lived or any information. We had enough (paying 400 dollars a month to her while we had the kids, was killing us financially) I started working again about 50+ hrs a week while my husband was working maybe 30hrs a week. I saved up 1000 to get a lawyer started. We went to court and she didn't show. He got custody and she got visitations and put on child support. This was finalized just a few weeks ago. She rarely makes her visitation and has yet to pay child support. After our argument, he took the kids to her. And that is where they are right now.
Radu Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Really sorry to hear that. Judging by what you posted, that woman does not really want to be a mother. Still get on with that book, because even if this thing doesn't work out in the end it will be great help. I don't know if you have this saying there, but 'every kick in the ass is a step forward'.
Author Ash72311 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 My husband talked to me today, I don't know if that's good or bad. I called him and he answered. He said he was really angry still, He repeated things I have said to him and have called him over the past few months. He said he wants time to be alone. He hasn't said anything about filing a divorce, but he did said he is done with that. All I could tell him was I am done with being that person, I told him I can say it all I want but it wont make a difference to him unless he see's it. I ask him for that chance, to show him I am done with that me. I told him I know it won't happen right away, I just ask for him not to get a divorce yet, just give me the chance to show him I am done being that me. All he said was he doesn't know. He is looking for a house, down the street from his children's mother. Anybody have any Idea what I could do next? I am trying to back off some and give him time to think. I just don't want him making a decision so big while still upset knowing we haven't done anything to help our relationship.
Radu Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Just exactly what happened between him and the ex ? It sounds like he's in total panic mode.
Author Ash72311 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 She was real mean to him, She also cheated, they were always on again off again. He said he wants something close by her because she is watching the kids while he is at work. He wants me to meet with him today to give him the rest of his stuff (fishing stuff, kid shoes, game controller) I asked him for my insurance card that we have thru his job so I can see a councilor and he said he don''t know if he wants to give it to me. I don't know I am so nervous right now to see him later. I don't want things to get worse.
irin Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 my question is why did you marry someone with such baggage, at such an early age? im really sorry you dealing with so much at this age. hugs to you!
Author Ash72311 Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 I love him so much, He is a good guy. I want this to work but I don't know if it will and it hurts so much. He called me again just a few minutes ago, wants all his stuff (TV, game controller, fishing stuff, ect.) And I had agreed to give him some of the things but he thinks everything is his because he paid for it. Because I didn't have a job because I stayed home with the kids. He is acting really childish. To make it work he was at his ex's to see the kids he said while he was talking to me. And he was being so mean in front of her to me. I could hear her laughing in the back. That makes me want to give up. Don't know what I should do. Aren't I entitled to things too?
irin Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 (edited) I love him so much, He is a good guy. I want this to work but I don't know if it will and it hurts so much. He called me again just a few minutes ago, wants all his stuff (TV, game controller, fishing stuff, ect.) And I had agreed to give him some of the things but he thinks everything is his because he paid for it. Because I didn't have a job because I stayed home with the kids. He is acting really childish. To make it work he was at his ex's to see the kids he said while he was talking to me. And he was being so mean in front of her to me. I could hear her laughing in the back. That makes me want to give up. Don't know what I should do. Aren't I entitled to things too? okay you dont need to feel guilty about this anymore. you are really young to have taken up so much responsibility, i actually think you would do just fine without him, his lack of appreciation for you taking care His children, is a very big red flag, if this marriage does end (iam sorry if it does) but just remember that you very young you have your whole life a head of you. Edited June 2, 2012 by irin 1
Author Ash72311 Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 Thank you Irin: I know all the problems in our relationship isn't just from me. I know we both contributed to this. He use to thank me alot for things I do with the kids. Lately he hasn't he says I signed on for it, Which I did. But I didn't know I would be doing it full time in the beginning! I can't just learn how to be a mom over night. But I tried, I have no kids of my own and I had no idea how to handle two! But I love the kids so much and it really hurts being away from them. I keep going thru this roller coaster of emotions. One moment I am crying my eyes out, the next I am planning to focus on myself. Which I haven't done in a while. I have been taking walks, I start a job tomorrow, I am going to attend church this Sunday. I am hoping if I can fix myself and be the person I want to be he will notice and will think about trying to fix our marriage. It can go either way, I can change and he will notice and see I am serious and want to make it work (which I hope happens) or he won't care and file for divorce in which case I will be stronger and although I know it will hurt, I will be able to move on. I am sorry for going on and on it just feels so good to talk to someone, all of y'all who have said something on this post. I am thankful you all took the time to say something. I am only 21 years old I don't know much about a relationship, the only relationships I have had where in high school and I was the one being physically and emotionally abused. I just need some guidance and personal experience
d'Arthez Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 (edited) Give him some time, to figure out what he wants - at the same time you need to make certain you are not left penniless; not sure about your current job situation (since you have been moving quite a bit), but if you have no money coming in, insist on a decent amount of money from your husband to maintain yourself and the house. You can suggest marriage counseling, and communication training. Both could help in this situation. Give him time to process the options. Give yourself time as well, to make sense of the situation. If it is beyond that, get in touch with a lawyer, and start the divorce proceedings - you will know when it is time to do that. Just because you stayed at home, does not mean he can take everything away from you, certainly not when he has been relegating child care responsibilities to you. Edited June 2, 2012 by d'Arthez
Radu Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 (edited) Thank you Irin: I know all the problems in our relationship isn't just from me. I know we both contributed to this. He use to thank me alot for things I do with the kids. Lately he hasn't he says I signed on for it, Which I did. But I didn't know I would be doing it full time in the beginning! I can't just learn how to be a mom over night. But I tried, I have no kids of my own and I had no idea how to handle two! But I love the kids so much and it really hurts being away from them. I keep going thru this roller coaster of emotions. One moment I am crying my eyes out, the next I am planning to focus on myself. Which I haven't done in a while. I have been taking walks, I start a job tomorrow, I am going to attend church this Sunday. I am hoping if I can fix myself and be the person I want to be he will notice and will think about trying to fix our marriage. It can go either way, I can change and he will notice and see I am serious and want to make it work (which I hope happens) or he won't care and file for divorce in which case I will be stronger and although I know it will hurt, I will be able to move on. I am sorry for going on and on it just feels so good to talk to someone, all of y'all who have said something on this post. I am thankful you all took the time to say something. I am only 21 years old I don't know much about a relationship, the only relationships I have had where in high school and I was the one being physically and emotionally abused. I just need some guidance and personal experience I'm 30, and in 2 of my relationships i was emotionally abused. I joined and read this forum almost 1yr ago [2nd account] to learn how to have healthy boundaries in relationships in life and to learn how to better empathise with ppl. With the help of that book i mentioned and by reading this forum, i learned a lot about it. I think my 'a-ha' moment came when i realized that 'People respect people who respect themselves'. This doesn't mean entitlement, or selfishness. It means simply to not let others put you down in your mind and to know your worth. irin is right, you should officially stop feeling bad, he is just going overboard on this [shows lack of maturity on his part]. Just work on yourself, and let whatever will be, be. Edited June 2, 2012 by Radu
Author Ash72311 Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 I am just going to not call him. Give him time to quit being angry. And hopefully he will be able to sit and talk with me. He is being very much immature right now that is why I want to stay away. I really need to focus on myself right now. I have been feeling like a new person lately. I just lost myself over the past few months and now I am trying to remember who I am . And put myself first for once. I really hope he give me the Insurance card so I can start counseling. But after last night I can't bring myself to talk to him until he can get over his anger. I know I hurt him and I do feel bad for that. But there is nothing I can do now but show him I am making a change. If he don't want to see that it will hurt me, but I can't force him to stay with me.
marriageontherocks Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I know how you feel, your story is similar to mine. I think you are right to give him space, not talk to him for now and work on yourself. I hope you are able to get counseling, that could really help you and help him to see that you are making a strong effort to change. Best of luck.
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