graciestlou Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 ...you discover 2000+ texts and 2 hours of talk time to another woman? We live in Oregon but I (the wife) am currently in Montana and have been since the middle of February helping a sick friend. I'm lucky to hear from the hubby once or twice a day and RARELY when he is at work...especially Friday his busiest days. We don't have unlimited talk time and when i got a message from our cell phone carrier saying we were approaching our limit I investigated. One number popped up thousands of times...including talking on the phone for half and hour on a Friday when he's so super busy and texting through the wee hours of the night. Confronted him...no I didn't "ask"...I was/am MAD. He said yes he had been talking to Jody but he didn't do anything wrong...she's having marital issues too and he was asking her advice on what he could do to make me happy. He INSISTS it's all innocent and I'm overreacting when i say it may be isn't a physical affair but an affair it is. Am I off my rocker?
Philosoraptor Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Is it cheating to you? That's all that matters. Emotional affairs can be just as devastating. How would you like to resolve this?
Author graciestlou Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 Is it cheating to you? That's all that matters. Emotional affairs can be just as devastating. How would you like to resolve this? Short of bashing him over the head with a big stick? I have no idea. And it sure feels like cheating...like betrayal. Him understanding that would be a start but no matter how I express it he says it wasn't cheating and he didn't do anything wrong. He did say in hindsight how it probably looked bad...well duh.
Philosoraptor Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I vote for bashing him. Really though he needs to understand what he is doing and why it is wrong. "Not looking good" isn't enough. If it's an option I'd suggest couples therapy as the trust was obviously broken and the betrayal is there.
woinlove Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 ...you discover 2000+ texts and 2 hours of talk time to another woman? We live in Oregon but I (the wife) am currently in Montana and have been since the middle of February helping a sick friend. I'm lucky to hear from the hubby once or twice a day and RARELY when he is at work...especially Friday his busiest days. We don't have unlimited talk time and when i got a message from our cell phone carrier saying we were approaching our limit I investigated. One number popped up thousands of times...including talking on the phone for half and hour on a Friday when he's so super busy and texting through the wee hours of the night. Confronted him...no I didn't "ask"...I was/am MAD. He said yes he had been talking to Jody but he didn't do anything wrong...she's having marital issues too and he was asking her advice on what he could do to make me happy. He INSISTS it's all innocent and I'm overreacting when i say it may be isn't a physical affair but an affair it is. Am I off my rocker? You are not off your rocker and it sounds like your M is in danger. The absence, talking that much and often to another woman who is "having marital issues too", and saying you are overreacting, sounds like a high risk situation for your M, whether or not there is a sexual relationship between them. If you want your M to survive and thrive and be happy, I would suggest you give it a very high priority now, which may involve making other arrangements for your sick friend. It is difficult to heal an R at a distance. 1
Owl Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 So...the question really is...what do you INSIST that happens from here? Did you tell him point blank that his constant communication with "Jody" makes you very uncomfortable, and ask him point blank to STOP immediately? If so...what was his response? If not...why not? 1
pillowcase Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 (edited) I was all set for a 'yep he's cheating' answer, but I could use a bit more information. This Jody, it seems as though you know her, is she a family friend, husband's work colleague or similar? You also matter-of-factly state that you currently are having martial difficulties (before the 2000+ texts thing), what were the problems and what have you and he done to work through them? I'm going to err on the side of human nature decency and say that it could be innocent. However... the fact that you got mad and jealous so quickly does not bode well in my mind for your relationship. Even if he hadn't been considering having an affair with her, you can be damn sure the seed has been well and truly planted in his mind now! And to answer your question - no, you're not off your rocker. In my experience, when a relationship gets to the point where you feel you cannot trust your other half, it's time to re-evaluate. Because it only goes downhill from here. Edited May 31, 2012 by pillowcase
Author graciestlou Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 Thanks for the replies people. More info. I did insist he quit communicating with her immediately and he seems to have complied...at least where I can see. He's friend with her on FB. Ya, I'm checking up on him and I know what kind of position that puts me in and I know what it means that my trust is so fractured now. I do need to get home and I will work immediately on finding a way to do that. As for Jody...when we lived in Montana my husband coached my daughters soccer team and her husband was the assistant coach. That was about 2 1/2 or 3 years ago. We moved to Oregon shortly after and they moved to Colorado. I've never really talked to her...her husband a little bit. A big part of the issue is that I'm lucky if I hear from him twice a day and then it's short conversations and he's ALWAYS so busy at work he doesn't have time to talk and to tired when he gets home. Which are apparently bogus excuses because he can find time for her. We talked about me coming down here and he said he was okay with it and I should do it but I suspect he wasn't being entirely honest or was and now feels abandoned? hmmmm.
woinlove Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Thanks for the replies people. More info. I did insist he quit communicating with her immediately and he seems to have complied...at least where I can see. He's friend with her on FB. Ya, I'm checking up on him and I know what kind of position that puts me in and I know what it means that my trust is so fractured now. I do need to get home and I will work immediately on finding a way to do that. As for Jody...when we lived in Montana my husband coached my daughters soccer team and her husband was the assistant coach. That was about 2 1/2 or 3 years ago. We moved to Oregon shortly after and they moved to Colorado. I've never really talked to her...her husband a little bit. A big part of the issue is that I'm lucky if I hear from him twice a day and then it's short conversations and he's ALWAYS so busy at work he doesn't have time to talk and to tired when he gets home. Which are apparently bogus excuses because he can find time for her. We talked about me coming down here and he said he was okay with it and I should do it but I suspect he wasn't being entirely honest or was and now feels abandoned? hmmmm. If you haven't been separated like this previously, your H may not have known how he would feel. From what you write, it is not clear how your H connected in such an intimate way (to discuss each other's marital problems) with this woman. This can be an easy and seductive and dangerous intimacy, because both might be looking for confirmation from each other that they are the good guy in whatever marital problems they are each having, and they can't get that from their own spouses who are not likely to let them off with taking no responsibility. I am glad to hear you will be trying hard to get home quickly.
NervisPervis Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I was all set for a 'yep he's cheating' answer, but I could use a bit more information. More information? 2,000+ texts, hours of phone calls, and she didn't even know he was talking to her AT ALL!!! He kept his affair partner a secret and you need more information? If he gets out of this with just a bash over the head with a big stick, he's one lucky guy. He is having a full blown emotional affair with this person. And she's having relationship problems and your husband was so kind as to be a shoulder for her to cry on. And all behind your back. How sweet. I have ZERO doubt your man was moving in for the kill. May already have done it. You DO NOT need more information. You need to pack a bag, move out to stay with someone, leave copies of the phone records on his pillow and go dark. Need more information...pl-EASE! 1
Author graciestlou Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 From what you write, it is not clear how your H connected in such an intimate way (to discuss each other's marital problems) with this woman. This can be an easy and seductive and dangerous intimacy, because both might be looking for confirmation from each other that they are the good guy in whatever marital problems they are each having, and they can't get that from their own spouses who are not likely to let them off with taking no responsibility. Thanks...u gave me the words I knew but didn't have.
CarrieT Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Has he shown you the texts? This is VERY important.... He can tell you one thing about what they have been saying to each other but without full disclosure of the conversations, it won't mean anything and you still have reason to distrust him. There is definitely an emotional affair going on and there is no reason for a married man to communicate this much with another woman without disclosing/including his wife in that relationship.
Author graciestlou Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 NervisPervis that was great!! Wish it was that easy but it rarely is right? He has not shared the texts with me...granted he's in Oregon and I'm in Montucky but he could sure forward them. The wee hours of the night (2 and 3am) texting did involve picture/video messages and I did ask him how stupid he thought I was...he still maintains his innocence and as proof offered up the fact that her H knew all about it. Right...the couple whose status on FB isn't married but "complicated"? grrrrr....I need to find a bigger stick!!
RedDevil66 Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 You know exactly what this is about.....If he's not having an affair already, it's leading up to that. The things is, you cannot stop him. All you can do is protect yourself.
NervisPervis Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Do not let him gaslight you. He is in an affair. Pictures? 2-3AM? Are you kidding me? Full disclosure of those emails and a no contact letter or you walk. Nothing in between. He's lucky you don't leave him. Quite frankly, I, not sure why you aren't
Author graciestlou Posted June 3, 2012 Author Posted June 3, 2012 Tell Jody's husband or boyfriend. it's her husband and he knows...don't know if he knows the extent of it but I think he knows something's wrong...there is a reason their relationship on FB is "complicated" and not married...
Snowflower Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 So Gracie, what is the latest with your situation? Have you talked to your husband or the other husband involved?
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