A break???

[manormachine]

Hello everyone, I don't normally like to put my personal problems out there for the world to see, but I suppose some advice and a place to let my feelings out can only help. Here goes: My gf of 9 months told me a couple days ago that she wanted a break. Her reason being that she has too much going on in her life right now and is too stressed out and tired. For the past few months, since she began working a new job, we've seen each other less and less. Maybe once or twice a week if I was lucky. It sucked because before that we saw each other all the time and it was great! I don't consider myself a clingy bf, but I enjoy seeing my gf whenever we both have the chance. So as months went on with the new job and also her being in school, I got disappointed when she'd say she couldn't see me or if when we did see each other, she was less affectionate than she had been in the beginning of our relationship. I brought this up to her and she told me she was just tired and stressed and not to worry. We had this "talk" a couple more times when I'd get disappointed that she was too busy. And she tried to reassure me, but there was still doubts in my mind about how things would change. Anyway, we meet the other day and go for a walk in the park where she tells me she needs a "break." I ask her what she means because a "break" to me is pretty vague and sounds pretty much the same as a break-up. She said she didnt know because she had never done this before and admitted to me that this was the first relationship that she's really taken seriously. She wanted to take 2 months off from us until her upcoming internship would be over so that she would be "less tired and stressed when she saw me and wouldn't disappoint me." I tried to tell her that we could still be in a relationship and I could give her the time and space she needs and we'd see each other whenever, I just didn't want to go on the break because I thought it would make us drift apart. I told her that when I got upset or disappointed, it was never me being upset at her, just at not being able to be with her(if that distinction makes sense) And then I told her that really what I wanted was reassurance about how she felt about me (an I miss you or I'm thinking about you text or a cute pic, anything really) She said she needed the time for herself and I agreed to do this for us, but it's only been a couple days and I feel terrible. Do you guys think this break will be good for us in the long run? Or is it just going to lead to a break-up? Thanks

[Leigh 87]

It can be helpful to tell strangers over the internet about your problems - you cannot go around talking to all your friends about it a lot of the time, so why not get the perspective and advice from many different people?

 

The trouble is - while it can be very beneficial coming here - because u get the advice of people from around the world - no people online can get a TRUE picture of what your girlfriend feels like.

It may sound as though she is not into you, when in fact, she is, but something else is going on. Be careful when reading advice.

 

 

 

My advice? Personally, I have had to work on my personal issues since meeting my boyfriend. We have decided to stay together., but to see each other less often, while I sort my life out. We want to be together enough to wait for me to get better. The lesser times we do hang out, are worth it to us.

 

Wheather or not your girflriend feels strongly enough about you to want to continue with you, is only something she knows. If she was in love with you, 2 months would not kill the love, and her desire to be with you.

If she really liked you and had a good time with you, but she is not compelled to get back with you after that time apart - it was never that strong to begin with.

 

I would start forgetting about her for now. Act as if it is a break up. True feelings will never die if they are strong enough, not in two months. Rather than put your feelings on hold, just trust that if you try to get on with your life, and not focus on getting back with her much, that THIS will be the most benificial to you!

 

You could wait around for her and think a lot about her and wonder if your going to get back together - only for her to see you in two months or so, and have lost feelings for you in that time.

Can you see why it is better for you do try to forget about her, and if after two months you both want each other badly, it will work itself out.

 

It is best to not talk to her at all during this time, because you wil not be able to forget about her if you continue talking. She does not want to be with you during this period, so why talk to her when it will just upset you?

 

You cannot handle hearing about her life without you, so why bother? It will only hurt you if you continue talking with her. If you love her, let her go. She needs to. If it is strong enough between you two, she will be back. If not, so be it. Work out more, get your confidence up, do all the usual **** people say to get over a relationship - it WORKS.

 

I hope it works out for you! That you get back together, and if not, u will have not sat around, pinning all your hopes on it.. that you will be evry upset, but will have started to move on by the time she gets back to make her desision.

[manormachine]

Thank you for the response I understand that nobody can truly know my situation except for me and my gf, but I do appreciate other people's perspectives. I suppose I'm just on here to get this off my chest and outta my head. It's the uncertainty and waiting that's the hardest part I think. I know I should be moving on and working on myself in the meantime, but it's soooo hard not to dwell and be sad. I'm gonna try to stay busy, but I'm not gonna be able to move on until I actually know where we stand 2 months from now. It's gonna be tough, but I guess there's really nothing I can do but wait it out. I'm glad that it's not an actual break-up, but the doubts swimming around in my head that it will become one are just torturing my soul. But I do love her and respect her enough to wait for her to get things straight in her life.

[manormachine]

Well, im back and not with a happy ending A couple weeks after my last post my ex came back to me during our break, on the night of her birthday actually. She called me in the middle of the night, crying, telling me she missed me and how she was sorry and all that. Now, Idk if it was because she was a little tipsy, she wasn't wasted or anything, but that night she showed me a vulnerable side of herself that I had not seen before. She's a pretty guarded person, stubborn too lol. Anyway, she told me she didn't want to be one of those people who is only focused on their career and that she didnt really like her job, but she wanted to get her **** together. I told her that she didn't have to choose between her job and the relationship, that I could help her whenever she felt stressed out. She also told me she was afraid of getting hurt (She told me I was her first serious relationship so Im guessing she's been burned by her past bfs) and that im the only good bf she's had.

 

Things were great for the next couple weeks, but then one day she tells me that the place she's interning at might offer her job. I told her that was awesome and congratulated her, but then of course I ruin the moment by asking if that means she'll quit her other job, to which she replies, no I think im gonna work both jobs to save up some money. And then i say, oh, I thought we were gonna have more time together once your internship ended and now you're gonna be working 2 jobs? It was quiet between us for a while, but then we started talking again and making plans to go to the movies that weekend.

 

Anyway, throughout the week, I barely hear from her. Like maybe a text once a day or every other day. She's not the kind of person who likes to talk on the phone and neither am i but i'd still like to hear from her if i cant see her. So this bothered me throughout the week and when it finally came to the night we go out to the movies, the whole car ride there im silent, just thinking about whether i should bring up us not talking as much as i thought we should. We finally get to the theater and she says that she hopes she doesn't fall asleep during the movie because she's so tired. Now I know that seems like nothing but that's kinda been part of the issue with us, that she's either always busy or tired when she's with me. So that kinda pushed me over the edge and I tell her we need to talk.

 

I told her that I thought things weren't getting better between us and that we don't talk as much as we should. And I regretted that as soon as I said it because I knew it was the beginning of the end. She told me she needed time to think about things. A week later she breaks up with me because she says she doesnt have time for a relationship now. I tried to convince her that we could make things work, but she had made of her mind and there was no changing it. She did say that it was possible we could be together in the future, but who knows if that was just her letting me down easy.

 

I pushed her and pushed her, when I should have just enjoyed the time we had together. And whenever we were together, I was happy, ALWAYS. There wasn't a moment we had together that I was mad or annoyed with her, I just wanted more of that.

 

I waited a week after the break-up to text her how she was doing. She just gave me the short things are going ok and i hope they are for you too. Then i made the made the mistake of pouring my heart out to her, telling her how I wanted a future with her and that I'd wait for her because I really feel we're meant to be. A few days later she gave the stuff of mine she had to a friend to give to me. That hurt, that she couldnt give it to me herself. I ask her if we could meet and talk so I could get closure but she said she couldnt. My last text to her was asking her to tell me if she still loved me and if we could really be together in the future and if she didn't to be brutally honest with me and tell me she didn't have feelings for me and that she didnt think there'd be a future for us down the road. She never responded, obviously. It was such a loaded question. That was my last contact with her, 12 days ago.

 

I love her and im sure she still loves me, but I guess she's looking out for herself right now. It's so hard to move on when the relationship was so amazing and it was an external factor (her job(s)/school/moving/family/overall business) that caused us to break up. I know it's probably not healthy but I hold out hope that we'll get back together.

 

Anyway, that's my story...

[Dblock10]

Well, im back and not with a happy ending A couple weeks after my last post my ex came back to me during our break, on the night of her birthday actually. She called me in the middle of the night, crying, telling me she missed me and how she was sorry and all that. Now, Idk if it was because she was a little tipsy, she wasn't wasted or anything, but that night she showed me a vulnerable side of herself that I had not seen before. She's a pretty guarded person, stubborn too lol. Anyway, she told me she didn't want to be one of those people who is only focused on their career and that she didnt really like her job, but she wanted to get her **** together. I told her that she didn't have to choose between her job and the relationship, that I could help her whenever she felt stressed out. She also told me she was afraid of getting hurt (She told me I was her first serious relationship so Im guessing she's been burned by her past bfs) and that im the only good bf she's had.

 

Things were great for the next couple weeks, but then one day she tells me that the place she's interning at might offer her job. I told her that was awesome and congratulated her, but then of course I ruin the moment by asking if that means she'll quit her other job, to which she replies, no I think im gonna work both jobs to save up some money. And then i say, oh, I thought we were gonna have more time together once your internship ended and now you're gonna be working 2 jobs? It was quiet between us for a while, but then we started talking again and making plans to go to the movies that weekend.

 

Anyway, throughout the week, I barely hear from her. Like maybe a text once a day or every other day. She's not the kind of person who likes to talk on the phone and neither am i but i'd still like to hear from her if i cant see her. So this bothered me throughout the week and when it finally came to the night we go out to the movies, the whole car ride there im silent, just thinking about whether i should bring up us not talking as much as i thought we should. We finally get to the theater and she says that she hopes she doesn't fall asleep during the movie because she's so tired. Now I know that seems like nothing but that's kinda been part of the issue with us, that she's either always busy or tired when she's with me. So that kinda pushed me over the edge and I tell her we need to talk.

 

I told her that I thought things weren't getting better between us and that we don't talk as much as we should. And I regretted that as soon as I said it because I knew it was the beginning of the end. She told me she needed time to think about things. A week later she breaks up with me because she says she doesnt have time for a relationship now. I tried to convince her that we could make things work, but she had made of her mind and there was no changing it. She did say that it was possible we could be together in the future, but who knows if that was just her letting me down easy.

 

I pushed her and pushed her, when I should have just enjoyed the time we had together. And whenever we were together, I was happy, ALWAYS. There wasn't a moment we had together that I was mad or annoyed with her, I just wanted more of that.

 

I waited a week after the break-up to text her how she was doing. She just gave me the short things are going ok and i hope they are for you too. Then i made the made the mistake of pouring my heart out to her, telling her how I wanted a future with her and that I'd wait for her because I really feel we're meant to be. A few days later she gave the stuff of mine she had to a friend to give to me. That hurt, that she couldnt give it to me herself. I ask her if we could meet and talk so I could get closure but she said she couldnt. My last text to her was asking her to tell me if she still loved me and if we could really be together in the future and if she didn't to be brutally honest with me and tell me she didn't have feelings for me and that she didnt think there'd be a future for us down the road. She never responded, obviously. It was such a loaded question. That was my last contact with her, 12 days ago.

 

I love her and im sure she still loves me, but I guess she's looking out for herself right now. It's so hard to move on when the relationship was so amazing and it was an external factor (her job(s)/school/moving/family/overall business) that caused us to break up. I know it's probably not healthy but I hold out hope that we'll get back together.

 

Anyway, that's my story...

 

 

sorry you are broken up.

 

what i will say from reading what you have said is,

 

i think you have been to full on, you clearly love her and she knows this, but you constantly want more, i mean what do you actually want from this girl.. you say your happy when ever your with her, but your not.. your values are different to hers hence why you had to ask her about the whole not talking much yet you said you spoke everyday or every other day...

 

i think you put far to much pressure on her knowing the external pressures at work, i'm not saying blame yourself, more you are after something else and something that she unfortunately right now cant give you..

 

she still likes you, just you keep being really full on and emotional. girls are not attracted to this. you need to be strong and cool, stop blowing up! she can't see you in person to give you closure because she still has feelings for you hence why she cant or doesnt want to. it might be too late to salvage anything now if you keep being so full on, she either gave her stuff to a friend to give to you because she cant handle you being like this, or because she still really likes you and so by seeing you again would be difficult and now she has decided to move on. who knows. but..

 

she has other priorities in her life aside from you, this is the mistake so many people make when they get into a relationship and its one i will never make again and thats to make that person your everything. if you do this, you then need that person to lean on so much that it can crush them

Edited August 4, 2012 by Dblock10

[manormachine]

I guess part of the problem was that when the relationship started, we were together all the time. She was out of school for the summer and didnt have a job at the time, so she had plenty of free time. I worked, but still made time to see her whenever I could (not that my job was very demanding). It's when she got that job that she has now that I began to feel we didn't see each other enough. I tried to bring it up to her in the nicest way possible, never got upset or yelled or anything, but I did bring it up a few times even though when she explained to me that she was giving me all the time she could, I said I understood.

 

And I only brought it up when she seemed to make herself busier, like when she started the internship and then again when she said she'd be working there along with the other job. I didn't just do it for myself, I could see how stressed out all of this was making her and I wanted her to confide in me, but I ended up becoming another thing that stressed her out.

 

I definitely made the mistake of making her my whole world and ignoring other priorities in my life, but that's something I can work on now. I think we have a shot at making things work down the line, but it's tough not knowing when that'll happen. I promised myself I wouldn't contact her, she definitely needs the space, so we'll see how that goes.

 

I'd like to think my situation is different Greznog, but I really don't know.

[KatZee]

Allow me to translate Woman to English for you.

 

I need/want a break = I want to sleep with other men guilt free but I want you around in case it doesn't work out with the other guy(s).

 

You're welcome.

 

Right. Works the same way for guys too.

 

My ex pulled the whole, "I work all the time, I have no time for a relationship, I want to focus on my career, it's not fair to you that I'm always at work, I have no time for you, I'm so busy, if I'm not working I'm exhausted and sleeping..."

 

And we broke up.

 

A month later he just so happens to find the time to get a new girlfriend, go away for fun on the weekends, see his buddies every Friday night.

 

Don't believe any of what a dumper tells you. 99.9% of the time it's not the truth.