Cowboysfan21 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I came to this forum after reading Doc Love's columns on AskMen. Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to find any advice on my particular situation, and was hoping that a few of you on these boards can give me the same kind of honest, un-sugarcoated advice that Doc Love offers his readers. My story is long because the are many details that make it unique from the common questions Doc Love has given guidance on. I know this will deter some people, but I hope that a few readers choose to bear with me and can offer me some much needed advice. Here's my story: My ex-girlfriend and I dated two years. We met during our Freshman year in college and have just completed our Junior year. We had our ups and downs like any other long-term relationship, but we truly loved each other through it all. And, in the words of Doc Love, her interest level was always high.* My ex, along with many of our friends, chose to study in Europe during the Fall semester of this past year min the months leading up to her departure, we had many discussions on what the status of our relationship would be while she was gone. Ultimately we decided we would be on a break We knew it wasnt ideal but we're both young and didn't want a meaningless hook up or two to destroy our relationship. However, we didn't decide whether or not we would tell each other if we did get with anyone while we were apart.* When I went back to school and she to to Europe, nothing had changed. We talked as much as two people separated by 7 time zones possibly could, and it wasn't long after that that she was questioning the break. She informed me that she was talking about me to her friends abroad constantly, and referring to me as her boyfriend. A month into our time apart, she told me that she wanted to be exclusive, and told me that she wasn't sure if she would be able to take me back if she found out that i had been with anyone else. I knew it felt like to her that we were already a couple again, and to be honest, she had a point--we were saying I love you to each other, and i began to plan a trip to visit her over my Thanksgiving holiday. Nevertheless, I told her that I thought what she was doing was unfair, and we agreed to postpone the conversation for a few days. What she didn't know at that point was that I had hooked up with other girls a few times, and I felt like it wasn't a good idea to divulge that information over Skype or Facebook. A few days passed and instead of continuing our postponed conversation, I told myself that I would be faithful to her for the rest of our time apart. I was successful in doing so, and it wasn't until my first night visiting her in Europe that the topic of the break came up again. "So are we still on a break?" she said to me jokingly, and we both knew the answer. We were happy and picked up exactly where we left off.* A month after we returned to school following our Christmas breaks, she learned that I had hooked up with one of the other two girls. She didn't know many details, but she knew that I had been with this other girl more than once. She was hysterical and refused to talk to me for a week or so. She insisted that my i led her to believe that i was being faithful to her all along, and she couldnt understand how i could plan a trip to see her and sAy imlove you one day, and hookmupmwith another girl the next. When she finally agreed to hear my side of the story, she asked me if there was anyone else I hadn't told her about, and I lied and told her no. In truth, I was planning on coming clean about the other girl eventually, but I knew that if I had told her then, I would have lost any chance at talking to her again for a while. I wanted to wait until she had cooled down a little bit more. We were still broken up and i didn't think that it was vital for me to come clean yet. By the time I was able to convince her to sit down with me again, she found out about the other girl. I had made a decent amount of progress in the past week, and it was all destroyed.* As things cooled off again and i gave her more space, I began my attempt for forgiveness. We spoke from time to time over the next couple of weeks, but it never got anywhere. I sat down and wrote her a letter defending myself and my actions, and taking responsibility for the mistakes I had made and *lies that i told. I wrote about what she and our relationship meant to me and apologized for ruining it. It was long but she read in front of me in tears. When she finished she invited me into her bed. We hooked up that night, and the night after. We talked about it and knew it was a mistake, but a few days later she came to my room and woke me up and it happened again. A few days later on the morning that we were leaving for Spring break, she came to my room to say goodbye. She ended up staying for an hour. Over the weeklong break, I refrained from initiating contact with her, but she contacted me several times. I took her contacting me as a sign she was beginning to forgive me, and stepped up my efforts for the last stretch of the semester. I brought breakfast to her room on several occasions and filled her rooms dozens of flowers when as an invitation to my Spring formal. She accepted but made it clear that we were not a couple. That weekend at my formal, for the first time since our breakup, she told me she loved me. For the last few weeks of the semester, I was her date to her formal, we left parties together, and spent a lot of time hanging out. She stayed on campus after the school year ended to watch my team's first play off game, and spent the night in my room. When she left she made it clear that we still weren't together. As she had told me for the past month, she repeated that she wished she could pretend like nothing happened between us, but she still wasnt ready to forgive me. I asked if she wanted me to give her space over the summer break, and she told me that we weren't idiots and could talk without it getting too serious. She followed my next 2 NCAA playoff games online and we would talk afterwards, but when I returned home a few weeks ago, I left it to her to initiate contact. One night she texted me late saying she loved me and I told her I knew. A few days later she texted me again but I was out and ignored her. She began to see that I was giving her space, and contacted me the other day furious. She thought that I was moving on and accused my actions to win her back as being fake, and I explained I was giving her the space she said she wanted. She texted me later to apologize and we spoke for an hour without either of us bringing up our relationship. Finally I asked again if she wanted space or not. She told me she wasn't sure, that she was still confused and exhausted by it all. She said she still can't trust me, and that although she wishes she could, she wants to be able to trust her boyfriend. She then asked if had hooked up with anyone yet this summer. I told her no (this time it was the truth), and that i had no desire to. She reminded me i could do whatever i wanted with other girls and i told her i was doing exactly what i wanted in not pursuing them. She finally said that she and I want and need different things, and when I asked her what she needed and wanted she said, "I need to distance myself from you...but I want to be able to put it all behind me." As I was writing the last sentence, at 12:30 AM, she texted me again. She said told me she just wanted to say hi, that she was going to bed, and that she would talk to me later. I know about all the mistakes i've made in trying to win her back. Doc Love would throw his book at me, and I'm definitely going to buy "The System" to save me from future meltdowns. But the reason I think my situation is unique is because although we broke up because of other girls, I never technically cheated on her, and she admits this much. Doc Love says after you cheat on a girl, in most cases you should move on because the relationship is likely ruined for good. But in this case I think I still have hope for forgiveness.*I lied to her because of the unfortunate position I put myself in, but I've thought all along that eventually she'll be able to gain back my trust. I guess I want some advice on a few things. First, it's been nearly 4 months since we broke up. I would think by now, if she was going to forgive me, she would have. How long can forgiveness take, and does this mean it's never going to come. And if forgiveness is still a possibility, do you believe she is still interested? I'm aware that she could me stringing me along as a safety net or for ego reasons, but I know her well and she isn't the kind of girl to do that. She's strong, she's not heartless. I know that we won't be a couple anytime soon. I'm leaving for Europe in a few weeks until mid-August, which might be contributing to her refusal to take me back right mow. But next semester it will be difficult for her to avoid me. We go to a small school and are in the same social circle. So ii could use some help how to give her what she wants both in person (we'll be at several of the same parties in the next couple of weeks) and in communicating, when she doesn't even know what she wants herself. Her friends are confident that eventually she'll take me back,but she comes from a family of strong women so I'm sure they're in her ear about moving on without me. Any advice on whats really going on in her head and on how to interact with her to regain some of her trust would be greatly appreciated. I've had plenty of time to think over the last 1/3 year and I know exactly what I want and what this girl means to me. Now I just need to figure out how to act.
Philosoraptor Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I'm not sure the issue is so much that you "cheated" as you had made an agreement before that. The issue is that you lied to her multiple times. Honestly the best thing you could have done to salvage this situation was to tell her on the phone when she said she wanted to be exclusive. Even though she said she might not be able to take you back she would have at least understood that you were within the rules. She would have been hurt, but it would have been easier to take without all of the lies on top. How long does it take to forgive? That's a loaded question. It's up to her and who knows how long that could take. The thing is that she needs to figure out if the relationship is worth the pain knowing that she will have reminders of what happened. All you can do right now is be patient and be honest. No more lies about anything at all.
alp-24 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I think you should've came clean sooner. As much as it is about the cheating, it is also about the lies that you told her. Psychology studies show that girls care more about emotions rather than physical things. You really really have to convince her that all your love is for her and not for any other girl. Even after she forgives you, it will still hurt for sure and things will not be the same again, but at least inside she knows that she's the only one you love and based from experience it is a tiny bit of relief for a girl. Do everything that you can to win her back but don't be desperate. She needs time to heal. Hold on to your promise that you're not interested in hooking up with any other girl. Good luck!
Author Cowboysfan21 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I was with my her at a friend's party this past weekend. We spent the whole night talking and towards the end of the night she sat on my lap at the table. A few of us went back to her house and we made out in the back of the car on the way there and again before I left. She's texted me at least once a day every day since, and we've talked on Facebook. I talked to her tonight and she said that she misses me but she "still really doesn't know what she wants". I leave for Europe in a week and will be gone for a month so it's understandable that nothing can really get resolved yet. She told me that she wants me to enjoy my time there and that in the meantime, I should "do what's best for me". She knows that I think told that what's best for me is not being with anyone else and using my time in Europe to think about everything. I can't help but get the feeling that when she says she doesn't know what she wants, it means that she's stringing me along. My rational side knows that she could truly be confused, and with me leaving soon there isn't much she can say now. Is she is stringing me along? If not, we'll be back at school together at the end of August, so how should I act in the coming weeks to make sure that she's still missing me when we're back at school?
Philosoraptor Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 She sounds pretty hurt still, but still connected. I'd be patient and give her time. No more dishonesty though, answer anything she asks directly as her trust has been broken.
citrusdrop1688 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 To me, your absolutely biggest mistake you made, absolutely more then anything else, was when she point blank asked you if there had been any one else, you said no. Thats the worst thing a man can do. I found out that my guy had been talking to someone else while we were not together, but not seeing other people. When I asked specific questions about the extent of their communication he lied to my face. And then I found out. You can make any excuse you want, but theres no way to spin that. You had to know it would be so much worse WHEN she found out. Because women always do. I think you need to distance your self from the doctor love thing too, most of that is just total crap. I dont think shes stringing you along. I do think she doesnt know if she can trust you. Rightly so. You have to decide how much she means to you. Your the one that fcked up. So either your willing to wait and see what happens or your not. But I would make sure you dont sleep with any one in the mean time. Shes testing you to see if you really mean what your saying. Don't do anything with anyone until you are SURE your done with this relationship. Although I think it would be difficult to if you were really in love with someone you would be able to screw other women.
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