Committedat54 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Im in a committed relationship for over three years. I'm 54, she's 48. Ive been living with her now for 4 months. We've been dating for almost 4 years. We are very much in love and talk about when we are married. About six months ago she went four wheeling with a single 48 year old guy that lives next door to her. He has three room mates aging from 21, 27 and 28. She also told me they went golfing together six months ago. I was upset with her saying that I saw that as a form of cheating. I would never do those things with another woman especially a single one. She says they're just friends. Then five months ago the guy gets drunk during the day and falls and hurts himself in his home and drives next door to her home and wipes blood on her door hoping she was there to help him to the urgent care. He then backs up and detroys a corner of her wall in front of her home. She was gone. When i Got to her home that day I saw the mess. She drives up minutes later and is acting like she doesn't know who did it. I look at the tire marks on her driveway and point to her neighbors truck and say it looks like his tires made these marks and he nw as a dent in the rear end. She says no way he did it. We drive off in my vehicle and she gets a phone call from the guy. I can hear what he is saying and he says he's sorry for what he did. He then proceeds to tell her that he cares a lot for her and loves her. Se gets off the phone and I tell her I could hear what he said and ask who was it. She wouldn't tell me a first because of how I reacted when they went four wheeling and golfing. Then she tells me who it was and he's very sorry. We go back to her house and he calls her again telling her that he loves. I listened in on the conversation. She gets off the phone and I'm pissed that this guy is saying this stuff to her to which she responds by saying that he's just drunk. Later that night it comes out that one of his room mates called her during the day and told her the 48 year old did it. I got upset that she lied to me about not knowing who did it. She says their just friends and neighbors and have been for four years. She says she has been going over to his home for years and partying with him and his young room mates. Just drinking. I told her its silly for her to party with the young kids and then add to it a single guy her age when we were dating. Well, now I have moved in with her and the guy texts her that he misses her and misses their talks. He calls her and tells her what's going and stuff like that. She says he's a drunk and she feels bad for him and worries about him. She says nothing ever happened between then and he's never made a pass at her. Then when I question her about him saying he loves her, she just says he loves me like a sister. I say which is it, he was drunk when says that and doesn't know what he's saying or he loves you like a sister. I've heard both stories now. I told her I didn't want her hanging out at his home without me. She getsvpissed and says she can do what she wants and nobody tells her what to do. Now I'm finding out he's been calling her and talking and she has been calling him. She says to find out how he's doing. I told her I just don't think that it's appropriate for her, a committed woman to be going over to this guys home or to be calling him. She tells me again nobody tells her what to do. I know she loves me dearly but this thing between her and this guy that tells her he loves her really gets under my skin. I went over to his house a couple months ago and met him with her. I figured after meeting me the guy would respect me enough to stop calling her. It still continued. I grew up very conservative and just don think a committed woman should be hanging out with a single guy without me around. She says she is not attracted to him at ll. I tell her that he is obviously attracted to her and it's just not appropriate to be singing out there without me. She just doesn't see it that way. He's just a friend and neighbor. I don't know if she likes getting all the attention from those guys. She tells me she just gets along better with guys. I tell her thats like a drug dealer saying that he gets slong better with druggies than other drug dealers. She has many girl friends but doesn't really do anything much with them. I see texts coming in from him and just get pissed. She tells me she can call him anytime she wants. I just dont do things like that with other women because I just dont think its appropriate. We've talked marriage and being together forever but I don't think I can take this guy beingvthisvclose of friends with her. I told her out of respect for me she should only go over to his home when I'm with. She says that's stupid and I have nothing to worry about. They just talk and she worries about his alcoholism. I hate being jealous and not letting her do what she wants but this guy just irritates me. Help, what do I do or say to put and end to this madness.
WonderKid Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I would set the tone on her. She already set the tone on you saying she can do it when she wants. You tried many ways to resolve this conflict. You kept talking to her and express how you feel. But obviously she express how she feels about the situation in an opposite form. You're not jealous. You're just a bit hurt. There's no way a woman should do things like that and expect to marry. If she really loves you she would see where you're coming from. If you did the exact same thing she would see it as wrong if she were in your shoes. There isn't that much texting and talking in the world. First of all, she shouldn't be texting him. Calling would be better. Why text? There's nothing wrong with her talking to him, but there are lines to draw when it comes to you hanging with single guys and you're in a relationship and the things she did. In my opinion, I'd doubt that she hasn't done anything him in those years, but that's your judgment. Talk again with her and set down some lines. If she can't respect where you're coming from as her man, then what more can you do? I hope it does work out and she understands. Keep going at it if you think you can.
silktricks Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 You are who and what you are. Some people will say you are too jealous. Others will find your position totally reasonable. (I fall into the latter camp, personally). It does seem that you need some mediation here, so that she can understand your position without getting her back up. I would suggest a short time with a counselor, so that you can both hear the other person's side without getting on the defensive. The fact that she lied to you fairly easily about the situation, however, is not good.
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