To all the newcomers: Just Don't do it!

[whichwayisup]

@Got it,woinlove and Happyface

 

What you are asking me is one more reason for the "newbies" to stay away. I can't leave, i can't take my own advice, cause i've travelled this road too long.

I'm just trying to to warn others about what might happen if they stay in too long.

 

I do not want others to go through what me and lots of you has been through.

 

My story is too complicated and i dont feel comfortable to post the whole thing on here yet.

 

As woinlove said, its too hard for me to let go now. To answer you , woinlove, i am taking steps, but oh lord how hard they are...

 

It's like smoking. When i see a young person smoke i always give this advice: "Try to quit now that you are in an early stage, cause the worst thing about smoking is that you will come to the point where you will want to stop, but you will not be able too."

 

Same thing for Affairs. Once you are deep down inside them, its hard to quit, as easy and logical as it sounds.

 

 

 

Again, to all "newbies", think twice before continuing. If you are already posting here before its even started, your inuition is true. Don't do it. If he/she's the one, they would get a divorse and so on.

 

I hope someday soon you find the strength to walk away.. It's never too late.

 

I hope those who are just starting out or thinking of having an affair, take the time to read your thread and listen to their gut and instinct not to start an affair.

[Capris]

Thank you, whichwayisup.

 

Support is always needed, no matter what situation you are in. Thank you!Things are going better between me and "my" MM, we managed to talk and to start talking honestly, which is good.

 

I too hope that people read this thread, as i think it covers most of the dilemmas of being in an affair, as long as its not too late and the newcomers havent fallen in love :/

 

I just wish i looked for similiar advice when i was getting into the A.

 

So, again, to all the newcomers, even if your affair is "different", heck even if it might end up in "happily ever after", DO NOT think that its an easy road.

 

Do we know how its going to end?No.But either happily or just the plain "The End" part, its still one of the hardest things you will ever face in life , relationship wise....darn, it takes more then relationship time from you, so its even worse...

 

So think twice and triple and so on before you continue your affair.

[East7]

Like many addictions, it is easier said than done.

 

The problem is whatever you tell to someone involved in the A they will explore that relationship anyways! The feelings you have in an A are extremely powerful and people in A are generally too obsessed to get over it no matter what you tell them.

 

The APs (even warned) don't pull back until they come to the realization themselves that there is nothing to hope for. They say hope dies last, this is very true with A. Most of OW/OM start to pull back when they know they have nothing to hope for and frustration over-weights the short-term sentimental gratifications.

 

I am almost to 2 years after the end of the A and it took me something like 3 months to feel "normal" again (not being obsessed) and almost a whole year to start being indifferent (not to think about xMW anymore).

 

Anyone goes through different processes of healing depending on individual resilience, no-contact and/or other relationships which replace the residual feelings of the A.

[Capris]

Why wouldn't you have the right to ask for whatever you wanted? Asking doesn't mean complying so as you have the right to express what you need and want he has the same right as well.

 

Hi Got it, just saw that i didnt reply to your post and its a valid question.

 

I didnt want to dissolve his marriage, i thought that it just wasnt my descision to make and even suggest.... I think i loved him so much that i didnt even think it through, it seemed to me as if we would be together at some point, so why be the one to initiate his devorce?I know, it sounds low self-esteem and coming from a person who didnt think much of her own needs and thats how i was at that time.

 

His W is wonderful. If something was dramatically wrong with her, id be the first to tell him. They were one of the couples that married young, you know, the ones who after some years realise their mistake but stick for the kids?

 

I went into the affair clearly laying out the perimeters of what I wanted, how long I felt I could allow him to work through his complications, but both of divorcing was CLEARLY laid out from day one. I also looked at it as a man is lucky to have a wife, he is EXTREMELY lucky to have a wife and a mistress and since he is asking me to be part of a less than traditional relationship, well I better be treated very well.

 

Now thats what i wish i have done!Bra-vo!

For me, it was like, well ive never met an OW before. I had NO idea what it was like to be in an A. It was something totally new to me. As i stated before, i also have never been married and all my previous BFs were, how to say this?...i always had the upper hand without even looking for it. "My" MM is a strong man, was not used to that.Take that and the fact that i didnt think much of myself at that time and there ya go.

 

I WISH i did what you did! And i wish tha all newcomers take your way to handle their situations, cause its a great way!!

 

I think if you can try and change your mindset that he was not doing you any favors by being in the affair with him and in fact you were doing him an amazing favor to be his girlfriend. If he is too dumb to appreciate it then phooey on him.

 

Honey you are a prize. Why would you change yourself for a man? You are wonderful how you are, go back to that amazing girl and forget anyone who doesn't like it. Don't change yourself for someone else and sure as hell don't except less than what you deserve in ANY relationship.

 

A man, regardless of marital status and relationship type, should show you EVERY day how much he loves you. With my dMM, from day one, I have never had someone show me every day how much he actively loved me.

 

You deserve that. You are amazing. Don't forget that!

 

Amen to that! and thank you!!

 

Im trying to do exactly what you advised me to: change my mindset into realising that i "was doing him a favor". I deserve his full attention. I deserve to be loved as you described it and if he doesnt want to, i can find someone who does.

 

I am still in love with him and in pain as i see him and/or talk to him daily.

I went through the denial phase and now i think im starting the anger phase.

 

Thank you so much Got it!

[Patrice]

There is hope for you to disentangle from this situation that isn't serving you. I believe you'll be able to do it slowly but surely. I think once you admit and recognize it is not all you want, while your actions to change it may not be instantaneous, it's like a seed that has been planted. When you plant a seed, the plant doesn't grow instantly..but with watering, sunlight and care everyday something changes and moves in the seed until eventually a small plant peaks out. I think you have planted the seed for yourself that will eventually grow and lead you to making different choices that suit you. Good luck!

 

 

Very good advice here, one step at a time. You deserve better ... way better.

You'll start to get angry about the time you've invested in this, not moving forward to something that is in YOUR best interest ... while he lives another life, with another woman and you wait. Nurture your own soul and body, and garner your own strength .. it will come and you will break free. Expect as the process unfolds that he will try to hold on, and it could get nasty, but if you keep your eye on what makes YOU happy and what you need, you will have the strength to accomplish it. xoxo hugs.

[Capris]

Thanks Patrice for your support!

 

I have made a change of mindset indeed. The thing is, i do not want to let him go yet. We are currently seperated, but i want him back as im sure we would make a good couple and he is now single. But, im also working to be independant again and find my old self. If we still make a good match as i assume, so be it, if not, its ok. Ive come to understand , finally, that there are other men out there that can love me and vice versa, i just want my chance withthis one as i still love him and as far as i know, he still loves me.

 

 

 

As ive mentioned in other threads and in the spirit of this thread, even if a MM turns single, it doesnt mean he will pick you. A divorce is a hard process and it needs to be dealt with from him and him alone in order for any relationship of his can blossom.

 

So newsommers, take that in mind also. Add the fact that even if after years of waiting, if the divorce happens, you will have another couple of years till you both can be together as a normal couple , IF after his dealing with grief (cause seperation is loss, no matter how "horrible" the marriage was), so even when he goes through his divorce and grief, you might not be his choice to continue his life with.

 

Again, you never know, but chances are small and the road to succeed is a rollercoaster from hell.

[Capris]

*bump*

 

Hi guys.

 

So, now im finally over him. Dont want him anymore. Turns out he's 99% a sociopath.

Loooong story.

Just wanted to share the news of my freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOOOORAYYYY!!

 

And again, to newcommers: Dont do it!! Stand up for yourselves!!! You deserve better then being second!!

[Capris]

Yes, im *bumping* my own post again.

 

Officially out of my affair for almost practically a year and emotionally 7 months, i would love to help others not make this bad choice in their lives.

 

Note: No, im not a bitter b**ch who didnt get what she wanted and wants to destroy others happiness....and yes, my A was "different" too. My A was "the real thing" too....Till i woke up.

 

Take care!!

Peace, love and understanding!