To all the newcomers: Just Don't do it!

[Capris]

Just a reminder to any of those who are in the beginning of an A and are thinking about continuing it.

 

Dont do it!

 

If you are Married and your marriage is boring or whatever, get a divorce or sort things out.

 

If you are single and have a crush on a married person, get over it or if it has already happened, break it off as soon as you can, you dont deserves to be second.

 

If you are just in it for the sex, well , cant say much about this, if it works for you two, im not here to judge about ethics n stuff.

 

 

 

These are some of the things ive heard the last years and ALWAYS thought: "My case is different". (familiar huh?)

 

Im single, never been married, no children and is an OW. Just to be clear.

 

I STRONGLY recommened people in my situation, to NOT go through with it.

 

I really dont know where my case is heading to, but the one thing i have understood is, its not worth the risk. It may be wonderful to some point, then it drains the heck out of you. It changes you. You lose a part of you, even if you think you dont. Even if you tell yourself "Im ok with it".

 

Now im not expecting everyone to magically understand what im saying, as when i read similiar posts, i ignored them saying, again, "my case is different".

 

Yes, there are different situations. Some end well. The chances are few to zero though.

 

So realistically, all im saying is, try to remember who you are and if you deserve to be second. Yes, the man or woman you are having an A with may seem like "the one", heck, maybe they are, but if they are, they would end their marriage. There are no excuses on this. Why would they continue to be in a marriage they are "soooo unhappy" in?

 

 

Sorry for my mummbling, i do know why people get into Affairs, as i am in one. I just wish i have heard all the people who were telling me why not to, yet when they were telling me, the same as i am telling you, it was already to late. I was already in love.

 

So , again, if you have second thoughts about being in an A....Pick no!!

[viennawaits]

I can't do anything but agree with you wholeheartedly. An affair shows lack of judgement, lack of self-respect and will never end well. We cannot turn the clock back, but we can make positive changes today.

[Got it]

Just a reminder to any of those who are in the beginning of an A and are thinking about continuing it.

 

Dont do it!

 

If you are Married and your marriage is boring or whatever, get a divorce or sort things out.

 

If you are single and have a crush on a married person, get over it or if it has already happened, break it off as soon as you can, you dont deserves to be second.

 

If you are just in it for the sex, well , cant say much about this, if it works for you two, im not here to judge about ethics n stuff.

 

 

 

These are some of the things ive heard the last years and ALWAYS thought: "My case is different". (familiar huh?)

 

Im single, never been married, no children and is an OW. Just to be clear.

 

I STRONGLY recommened people in my situation, to NOT go through with it.

 

I really dont know where my case is heading to, but the one thing i have understood is, its not worth the risk. It may be wonderful to some point, then it drains the heck out of you. It changes you. You lose a part of you, even if you think you dont. Even if you tell yourself "Im ok with it".

 

Now im not expecting everyone to magically understand what im saying, as when i read similiar posts, i ignored them saying, again, "my case is different".

 

Yes, there are different situations. Some end well. The chances are few to zero though.

 

So realistically, all im saying is, try to remember who you are and if you deserve to be second. Yes, the man or woman you are having an A with may seem like "the one", heck, maybe they are, but if they are, they would end their marriage. There are no excuses on this. Why would they continue to be in a marriage they are "soooo unhappy" in?

 

 

Sorry for my mummbling, i do know why people get into Affairs, as i am in one. I just wish i have heard all the people who were telling me why not to, yet when they were telling me, the same as i am telling you, it was already to late. I was already in love.

 

So , again, if you have second thoughts about being in an A....Pick no!!

 

Capris - I am confused, then, why you aren't taking your own advice. If you feel like you are second, then why not end it?

[woinlove]

Just to follow up on Got it's post, I know you've been involved for years Capri and it must be very difficult to break free when you have developed strong feelings and attachment, but I wonder if you are taking steps to get to that point or do you hold out hope of him divorcing and want to wait?

 

In any case, I do think your advice for others is good advice and sometimes reading about the pain of other OW, as well as of BW, can have an affect and sway someone to reconsider. It had that affect on me.

[Happyface]

Ifyou have been involved for many years in an A and you are feeling thhis way, perhaps you are ready to let it all go? It sounds as though it has all gotten too much for you to bear.

 

The longer you stay the stronger the bonds and the harder to leave. Hope you can take steps soon to get the hell out of it.

 

I can on whole heartedly endorse all you have written.

 

It will be a long journey out but well worth the peace of mine that you will achieve,

 

Happy Face

[Capris]

@Got it,woinlove and Happyface

 

What you are asking me is one more reason for the "newbies" to stay away. I can't leave, i can't take my own advice, cause i've travelled this road too long.

I'm just trying to to warn others about what might happen if they stay in too long.

 

I do not want others to go through what me and lots of you has been through.

 

My story is too complicated and i dont feel comfortable to post the whole thing on here yet.

 

As woinlove said, its too hard for me to let go now. To answer you , woinlove, i am taking steps, but oh lord how hard they are...

 

It's like smoking. When i see a young person smoke i always give this advice: "Try to quit now that you are in an early stage, cause the worst thing about smoking is that you will come to the point where you will want to stop, but you will not be able too."

 

Same thing for Affairs. Once you are deep down inside them, its hard to quit, as easy and logical as it sounds.

 

 

 

Again, to all "newbies", think twice before continuing. If you are already posting here before its even started, your inuition is true. Don't do it. If he/she's the one, they would get a divorse and so on.

[Capris]

@viennawaits oh how i wish i could turn the clock back.

 

If i could, i would tell him that if you want me, if you really really want me, its in your hands. I sometimes just want to go back in time and slap me in the face.

When i was accepting the A, accepting the fact that i will be second, i honestly didnt even know what i was signing off to. I was head over heels in love.

 

Oh lord....Thing is, i still love him. I do believe its real. Dunno if its denial anymore or just my ego trying to make me feel ok with my choices.

 

Either way, getting into an Affair is NEVER a good choice. ESPECIALLY for single people like me. I really cant talk about married people, so i kinda take back the "NEVER", im trying to be realistic.

 

But seriously, if you are young, no marriage, no children, trust me, you can do better!Even if he or she seems like "the one and only", just snap out of it, look at yourself from another point of view and then decide whether to stay or not.

[Got it]

@Got it,woinlove and Happyface

 

What you are asking me is one more reason for the "newbies" to stay away. I can't leave, i can't take my own advice, cause i've travelled this road too long.

I'm just trying to to warn others about what might happen if they stay in too long.

 

I do not want others to go through what me and lots of you has been through.

 

My story is too complicated and i dont feel comfortable to post the whole thing on here yet.

 

As woinlove said, its too hard for me to let go now. To answer you , woinlove, i am taking steps, but oh lord how hard they are...

 

It's like smoking. When i see a young person smoke i always give this advice: "Try to quit now that you are in an early stage, cause the worst thing about smoking is that you will come to the point where you will want to stop, but you will not be able too."

 

Same thing for Affairs. Once you are deep down inside them, its hard to quit, as easy and logical as it sounds.

 

 

 

Again, to all "newbies", think twice before continuing. If you are already posting here before its even started, your inuition is true. Don't do it. If he/she's the one, they would get a divorse and so on.

 

Capris, unless you are locked up in his basement with a gun to your head you absolutely can change your course of action but you are choosing not to. This is an active decision you are making that staying in the relationship is far better than leaving.

 

Even with smoking, many people get off that wagon. You just have to muster up enough fortitude to put one foot in front of the other.

 

You are not in a life sentence. I would suggest really looking into why you are staying and why you are choosing to stay in a relationship that seems to cause you so much unhappiness. You are not a victim in this and have full power over yourself. Use it!

 

I did not have the same experience in my affair but I also made sure to own my decisions. I was not a victim in any way and while I may not have liked every action or inaction it is par for the course when you are dealing with other people with their own free will. I knew, that regardless of everything else I had to be my own best advocate, looking out for my needs and wants, and that I had the power over what I did and how/when I did it.

 

Have faith in yourself that you will be fine no matter what you do. You are not stuck. You just need to open the door.

[Got it]

@viennawaits oh how i wish i could turn the clock back.

 

If i could, i would tell him that if you want me, if you really really want me, its in your hands. I sometimes just want to go back in time and slap me in the face.

When i was accepting the A, accepting the fact that i will be second, i honestly didnt even know what i was signing off to. I was head over heels in love.

 

Oh lord....Thing is, i still love him. I do believe its real. Dunno if its denial anymore or just my ego trying to make me feel ok with my choices.

 

Either way, getting into an Affair is NEVER a good choice. ESPECIALLY for single people like me. I really cant talk about married people, so i kinda take back the "NEVER", im trying to be realistic.

 

But seriously, if you are young, no marriage, no children, trust me, you can do better!Even if he or she seems like "the one and only", just snap out of it, look at yourself from another point of view and then decide whether to stay or not.

 

((((capris))) As sad as it is, in many relationship you see that sometimes love isn't always enough. It is okay to love him and still move on. It is okay that he loves you and you still move on. If you love him then it is real. Don't worry about questioning that. But the emotion doesn't always mean it is meant to last. What is best for your life? What do you want based on the information you have today? What can you do to start moving in that direction?

[woinlove]

@Got it,woinlove and Happyface

 

What you are asking me is one more reason for the "newbies" to stay away. I can't leave, i can't take my own advice, cause i've travelled this road too long.

I'm just trying to to warn others about what might happen if they stay in too long.

 

I do not want others to go through what me and lots of you has been through.

 

My story is too complicated and i dont feel comfortable to post the whole thing on here yet.

 

As woinlove said, its too hard for me to let go now. To answer you , woinlove, i am taking steps, but oh lord how hard they are...

 

It's like smoking. When i see a young person smoke i always give this advice: "Try to quit now that you are in an early stage, cause the worst thing about smoking is that you will come to the point where you will want to stop, but you will not be able too."

 

Same thing for Affairs. Once you are deep down inside them, its hard to quit, as easy and logical as it sounds.

 

Again, to all "newbies", think twice before continuing. If you are already posting here before its even started, your inuition is true. Don't do it. If he/she's the one, they would get a divorse and so on.

 

I hope you keep taking steps. Since you don't feel comfortable posting your story (which is fine) I don't know what you feel is holding you back, but it seems that you can see you are not very happy and you deserve better. I think having that self-awareness is key, as so often in affairs that have gone on for more than 2 years or so, denial and rationalization can play such a large role in keeping one involved. My advice is to try to fight against that, see things as they really are, and don't let yourself off too easy with thinking that you can't change things. You can. It may be very difficult, but you can change things. As to love, the most important thing is to love yourself, because only then can you give and receive the kind of love that brings real happiness to you and others, and staying in a situation that hurts is not loving yourself enough.

[VivienViolet]

Ain't that the truth? So are we all. That's why it's no use telling anyone not to do it.

This wasn't true in my case. I thought I was in love with my fAP when I confessed to my H. I wasn't ready to confess but I found the fortitude to do it because it was what I needed to do. Like Got It said, all it requires putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Good thread, Capris. I hope you break free from this unhealthy relationship and find the happiness you deserve. Life is too short to wait on someone who won't put you first.

[Jethro]

You think anyone gets into a situation like yours thinking it's a good idea? I mean anyone with even half a brain? These things happen becasue of weakness, poor morals, bad judgement and about a million other things that human beings can't control.

[carhill]

I've found avoiding 'instant connections', while respecting them as a signal of perhaps a greater future potential for intimacy, to be an effective salve against 'doing it', meaning investing love and emotions into a nebulous situation which turns out to have one potential partner in an otherwise committed relationship to someone else. Reflecting back, it was clearly inappropriate investment in those instant connections which made the disconnection when hearing the 'btw I'm married' trickle truth some days/weeks/months down the road much more difficult. That's probably the biggest difference IME from being 20's versus 50's in age. Some folks fortunately don't learn at that particular school of hard knocks and I'm happy for them. So, my advice in the 'just don't do it' category would be modified to 'just don't do it without clarity and acceptance of the dynamic'. Some people still will do it. We're all different. Some like it. Some are learning. Some make mistakes. Life goes on.

[Trimmer]

These are some of the things ive heard the last years and ALWAYS thought: "My case is different". (familiar huh?)

 

Im single, never been married, no children and is an OW. Just to be clear.

 

I STRONGLY recommened people in my situation, to NOT go through with it.

I understand that you may be guarded about posting specifics of your affair, but are you able (and willing...) to comment on what was the turning point for you? Was it sudden - like a particular event or interaction - or was it a realization that developed over a longer time? Or did it kind of shift over a long time, but you didn't realize it until something smacked you over the head?

[MissBee]

@Got it,woinlove and Happyface

 

What you are asking me is one more reason for the "newbies" to stay away. I can't leave, i can't take my own advice, cause i've travelled this road too long.

I'm just trying to to warn others about what might happen if they stay in too long.

 

I do not want others to go through what me and lots of you has been through.

 

My story is too complicated and i dont feel comfortable to post the whole thing on here yet.

 

As woinlove said, its too hard for me to let go now. To answer you , woinlove, i am taking steps, but oh lord how hard they are...

 

It's like smoking. When i see a young person smoke i always give this advice: "Try to quit now that you are in an early stage, cause the worst thing about smoking is that you will come to the point where you will want to stop, but you will not be able too."

Same thing for Affairs. Once you are deep down inside them, its hard to quit, as easy and logical as it sounds.

 

 

 

Again, to all "newbies", think twice before continuing. If you are already posting here before its even started, your inuition is true. Don't do it. If he/she's the one, they would get a divorse and so on.

 

Hey Capris,

 

I empathize with you. It is notoriously known that it's often easier to give accurate and good advice to others, even if you can't take it yourself. One of the quirks of human nature, I suppose. It's easier to see another's situation with clarity than our own, as in our own we have an emotional, and other,investments that almost work against us seeing clearly and more importantly, acting.

 

You're not doomed to be in an A for all eternity. It's never too late. I know it is not easy, especially if one has invested in the situation for a long time...but it is not impossible, and I think your current awareness can only help you to take the steps necessary to have a better life for yourself. It's really easy to know things intellectually but a lot harder to truly, deeply believe them. It's only when we start truly believing them that we usually get fed up and make a change.

 

There is hope for you to disentangle from this situation that isn't serving you. I believe you'll be able to do it slowly but surely. I think once you admit and recognize it is not all you want, while your actions to change it may not be instantaneous, it's like a seed that has been planted. When you plant a seed, the plant doesn't grow instantly..but with watering, sunlight and care everyday something changes and moves in the seed until eventually a small plant peaks out. I think you have planted the seed for yourself that will eventually grow and lead you to making different choices that suit you. Good luck!

[frozensprouts]

they say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step...maybe, for you, this will be your first "single step" towards a new and happier life where you won't be weighed down by all of this...

 

and by sharing your words, you may have made someone else stop and think before they get into something they'll find very hard to get out...you may have saved someone a lot of heartache...

 

you did a good thing by coming forward and speaking out

[Trimmer]

they say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step...maybe, for you, this will be your first "single step" towards a new and happier life where you won't be weighed down by all of this...

And there's also the saying that the first step to solving a problem is understanding/admitting/accepting that you have the problem, so in this way too, you have have taken that all-important first step. Good luck.

[Silly_Girl]

Capris, I remember you. I remember how troubled you've been in the past. I can get a feel for how much you're hurting.

 

I don't know the details that you prefer to hold back, but it's a very rare situation indeed that someone is actually trapped in a relationship. It might *seem* impossible to get out (I had a relationship where he said he'd kill me if I left, and he had a good try!!) but that doesn't mean there aren't ways and means of taking small steps forward. Even if you only move forward in your head and try and work through what options - even the most unattractive, upsetting ones - might be open to you.

 

When we feel no control over our predicament it hurts and it eats away at us. Regaining some control and being your own best friend are the two key things I'd recommend for you. I really believe you are a strong person in an unfortunate place.

 

If I can help at all please feel free to PM me. Take care.

[Anywhere]

This wasn't true in my case. I thought I was in love with my fAP when I confessed to my H. I wasn't ready to confess but I found the fortitude to do it because it was what I needed to do. Like Got It said, all it requires putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Good thread, Capris. I hope you break free from this unhealthy relationship and find the happiness you deserve. Life is too short to wait on someone who won't put you first.

 

I wish I'd never opened my mouth. I admitted everything & my husband will never forgive me. I wish I'd never let our friendship cross any boundaries, maybe I'd still have a very good friend in my life. Instead I've mostly lost them both & everything is empty except my girls.

[Capris]

Thank you all for your kind words.

 

It really is a complicated situation, not then any affairs are simple to begin with.

What happened and made me change my mind?

Lets say that a MM, even he gets a divorce, he may still not pick you.

 

Being the OW means hiding ALOT. Hiding litterally, hiding your emotions, hiding hiding hiding...Then you trun into a person you dont recognize anymore. Thats what happened to me. I lost friends, my socializing abbilities, as we work at the same place, small town, so i basically didnt have a single spot where i could be myself. For the first 3 years, i didnt even have a friend to talk about it. All our friends are common.

Half in the A and we barely done normal things as a couple. Never been to the movies, never watch a dvd or something similiar. Every time we went out (which was rare too and always with friends) i had to again, hide, so it was like we were a couple of buddies going out for a drink.

 

Now the other problem that arises from this behavior is that he actually doesnt see me for who i really am. Dont get me wrong, he knows me, too much even, but he does not know how i am when im NOT hiding, heck, i even forgotten about it... He has had affairs before and im the only one who actually knew he was married. So im sure the other girls were acting normal, no need to hide and stuff.

 

I hope im making sense, what im trying to say is just that. This was not a normal relationship, so he can not know how we would be in a normal relationship.

 

When you are in an Affair, i often listen to BS say "of course he likes the OW more, he sees her only at her best", which i find logical, but trust me, there's another side of the coin here. The OW gives him HALF of what he needs, not because she cant give him everything as a person, but because of the nature of the relationship, so once he turns single, he will be needing something WHOLE, which is unfair if he doesnt even give the OW a chance. Oh well, i guess its karma.

 

 

 

So, i fortunantly realized what i have done to myself and started to find my good old self back. Im on a good road. We are actually not together now, or at least on a break. This thread is made in the period where im waiting to find out whats are status, cause he got me super confused.

 

I love him and thanks GotIt for telling me that if i love him, then its real. It feels real and i know he loves me too, but as you pointed out, love is not always enough.

[Capris]

Capris, I remember you. I remember how troubled you've been in the past. I can get a feel for how much you're hurting.

 

I don't know the details that you prefer to hold back, but it's a very rare situation indeed that someone is actually trapped in a relationship. It might *seem* impossible to get out (I had a relationship where he said he'd kill me if I left, and he had a good try!!) but that doesn't mean there aren't ways and means of taking small steps forward. Even if you only move forward in your head and try and work through what options - even the most unattractive, upsetting ones - might be open to you.

 

When we feel no control over our predicament it hurts and it eats away at us. Regaining some control and being your own best friend are the two key things I'd recommend for you. I really believe you are a strong person in an unfortunate place.

 

If I can help at all please feel free to PM me. Take care.

 

Hi Silly Girl

Ive been posting indeed on here for 2 years, just on and off alot. Your nick is familiar to me.

 

Fortunantly, im not physically trapped and he's not threatening me or something. Gosh what youve been through mustve been awful!Im glad you got out!

Im "trapped" cause i want a chance with him, just one chance.I have realised (thank god) that i can live without him, im just sure that we would have something pretty good as a normal couple.

 

Thanks for the supporting words, it really helps!

In my head, i am moving on. Im thinking about how many other men there are out there that can actually give me what i need and vice versa. I did go through a phase where i refused to do anything, literally. I forced myself out of bed to go to work, depression in its best. Now, im totally better, hurting still, but better.

Being your own best friend. Now thats good advice.

 

Again, thanks!

[Trimmer]

Thanks for sharing all of that - your post was insightful and thoughtful, and I appreciate hearing your thoughts about the process you've been through (and are still going through.)

 

So, i fortunantly realized what i have done to myself and started to find my good old self back. Im on a good road. We are actually not together now, or at least on a break. This thread is made in the period where im waiting to find out whats are status, cause he got me super confused.

 

What I wish for you is for the strength so that you can determine your own status, where you won't have to wait for him to figure it out and move forward in your life. Good luck.

[Capris]

Wow, now im triple posting.

 

Just a thought that has to do with the main subject "Dont do it"

 

I think the one thing that holds us back to stand up for ourselves (at least its why i didnt) is that we think we have no right to ask him to get a divorce. I didnt want to be "that girl", but hey, if we could sleep together and call ourselves a couple, i surely do have the right to demand a normal relationship. Im already hurting the W's feelings and ruining her life, she deserves a clean cut and so do i and so does he.

 

As mush as a cliche it sounds, theres truth in it: "If he wants you he will do whatever it takes to be with you"

Think about it, we were willing to do whatever it took.

I lost myself during the process, why do i not have the right to ask him to be the only one?

 

Stand up for yourselves ladies. Stand up, cause noone else will do it for you.

[Capris]

Thanks for sharing all of that - your post was insightful and thoughtful, and I appreciate hearing your thoughts about the process you've been through (and are still going through.)

 

 

 

What I wish for you is for the strength so that you can determine your own status, where you won't have to wait for him to figure it out and move forward in your life. Good luck.

 

Thank you Trimmer! I think i'll get there, with or without him! Thank you so much!

[Got it]

Wow, now im triple posting.

 

Just a thought that has to do with the main subject "Dont do it"

 

I think the one thing that holds us back to stand up for ourselves (at least its why i didnt) is that we think we have no right to ask him to get a divorce. I didnt want to be "that girl", but hey, if we could sleep together and call ourselves a couple, i surely do have the right to demand a normal relationship. Im already hurting the W's feelings and ruining her life, she deserves a clean cut and so do i and so does he.

 

As mush as a cliche it sounds, theres truth in it: "If he wants you he will do whatever it takes to be with you"

Think about it, we were willing to do whatever it took.

I lost myself during the process, why do i not have the right to ask him to be the only one?

 

Stand up for yourselves ladies. Stand up, cause noone else will do it for you.

 

Why wouldn't you have the right to ask for whatever you wanted? Asking doesn't mean complying so as you have the right to express what you need and want he has the same right as well.

 

I went into the affair clearly laying out the perimeters of what I wanted, how long I felt I could allow him to work through his complications, but both of divorcing was CLEARLY laid out from day one. I also looked at it as a man is lucky to have a wife, he is EXTREMELY lucky to have a wife and a mistress and since he is asking me to be part of a less than traditional relationship, well I better be treated very well.

 

I think if you can try and change your mindset that he was not doing you any favors by being in the affair with him and in fact you were doing him an amazing favor to be his girlfriend. If he is too dumb to appreciate it then phooey on him.

 

Honey you are a prize. Why would you change yourself for a man? You are wonderful how you are, go back to that amazing girl and forget anyone who doesn't like it. Don't change yourself for someone else and sure as hell don't except less than what you deserve in ANY relationship.

 

A man, regardless of marital status and relationship type, should show you EVERY day how much he loves you. With my dMM, from day one, I have never had someone show me every day how much he actively loved me.

 

You deserve that. You are amazing. Don't forget that!