Thinkalot Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 My fiance and I had a great weekend. We celebrated both our engagement and our birthdays, with close friends and had a top day. We were on a high, and all loving and cutesy and excited yesterday as a result....and then...BANG...last night, we started arguing. Over stupid stuff. Expectations were not met over little things on both sides. We fell into old patterns. I stuffed up, and did not stop when he yelled at me to. Why do I stuff up still? He got angry and swore at me. Now, I want to get over it as fast as possible, to get back the feeling we had before we started arguing. Also it's his actual birthday in a couple of days, and I have a great surprise planned and want us to really enjoy it. I get so upset when things aren't 'just so', especially when they've been great, and in my perfect world, they should keep rolling smoothly forward. He's away today and tonight for work. (as he usually is at the start of the week, seeing clients down the coast). It makes me sad when he goes away if we've been arguing. I need to pick myself back up now, and get over this...and to quit feeling sorry for myself, when I have it so good. Life is not perfect. Even after perfect moments/days, sh*t happens doesn't it? Might as well get over it fast. I'm going to call him at lunch, and hope he wants to get over it fast too, and has forgiven me for my stuff ups too. I think I'll send him a bunch of flowers (and yes, soppy or not, he loves it when I do that, as I sometimes have in the past...he said he feels special at work) to make him smile. Just venting some emotions here.
ladyangel Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 Oh, I'm sorry about the fight. I'm not familiar with the term "stuff up." Maybe you could explain it to me. From your description, it sounds like the fight was mutual. Try not to beat yourself up over it. I'm sure things will be back to normal in no time.
meanon Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 None of us are perfect, you're right sh*t happens. Try not to let it get you down, Thinkalot. You know you'll both be able to sort this out and you'll be on top of the world again soon . If it's any consolation I do think that over time you will argue less.
Author Thinkalot Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 LOL "stuff up": to stuff things up, as in , to wreck things up, or to f*ck up. Thanks meanon. Just airing my dissapointment in myself I guess. You're right. By this afternoon, I'm sure all will be right again. I sure hope we DO argue less in time!!
moimeme Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 I get so upset when things aren't 'just so', especially when they've been great, and in my perfect world, they should keep rolling smoothly forward Oh you controlling people and your desire to have everything perfect! Expectations were not met over little things on both sides There's your demon! Those dagnab 'expectations'. Run 'em through the shredder. Blow them up. Pour acid on them. And, after all that, burn 'em!!!!! As long as you hold a measuring tape, mere mortals (yourself included) will fall short. You got to let that thing go, girl!!! It's not a tool, it's a weapon and no good will come of it.
Author Thinkalot Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 I know I know I know! He hadn't really 'let go' himself this morning. He was still mad with me for not shutting up last night, and said it was like living with a 5 year old who won't take no for an answer He was swearing and whatnot. He gets dissapointed too. He'll calm down soon though, he always does...he just needs time and space, which he now has!
johan Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 You have a pattern when you argue. You obviously need to break it. Not easy. My girlfriend and I just had a miserable few days. It was coming. You mentioned you have sent flowers in the past. It made me wonder if you also have a pattern for the way you recover. Think there's anything to be gained on that side of the argument? Does one of you always give in first, or do either of you tend to hold a grudge, or any other patterns you could think(alot) of? Just wondering.
Author Thinkalot Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 On the heat of the moment, it's him who wants to let it go...and make it stop, and me who wants to talk it out till the death... The next day...or once the heat of the moment is passed...I bounce back...and want closeness, and want things to be OK...so I say sorry, and try and make amends.... He then says...I can't just bounce back straight away, when you've pushed me so far. He needs some space. Other times, he is over it the next day, yet I remain sad, carrying the wounds of the night before. We are working on breaking our argument patterns through counselling. It IS hard. We succeed at the moment, probably more than 50% of the time in communicating our way through something and avoiding an argument. The rest of the time, we fall down. When we succeed, we pat ourselves on the back for being so good! And for both applying the things we're learning to do. Plus, the tension happens less often anway. Sorry you and your gf have had a rough few days. Volatility is tiring, I know.
moimeme Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 He then says...I can't just bounce back straight away, when you've pushed me so far. He needs some space. I was Bunnyboy. I could NOT take it, finally. It was get out of the relationship or relinquish my own sanity
johan Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 On the heat of the moment, it's him who wants to let it go...and make it stop, and me who wants to talk it out till the death... That's us, too. She repeats herself a lot, and it gets SO tiring. She'll literally work our arguments in circles. Every 15 minutes or so we're onto the same thing again. I can get her to stop by kind of teasing her about it. But that doesn't mean she feels any better. She'll carry it and load things up over time. She's just SO afraid of missing some telling detail in my behavior. She's really looking for warning signs, and she really can't feel better. But for all her doubts, she won't let me go. Last night she really cried and let some of the underlying things out from the heart that she usually keeps guarded. Then we had a good talk and felt like 10,000 pounds was lifted off. I'm sorry you fought. That's all I can really say, not much advice. Maybe lets have a bet on who gets things settled first. A race! One thing I can say is that your guy really needs to overcome the anger he displays to you. It doesn't help at all. It probably doesn't even make him feel any better. And you have to respect his request to get out of it. That's the one thing I can say that my girlfriend and I do better than we used to. It takes the real heat out of the argument, although nothing actually gets fixed. I don't feel as ashamed of myself afterward. Although I usually still feel bad that she doesn't feel any better, but there's nothing I can do or say for that. That requires some larger effort on her part. The counselor often can get her to take steps forward on that. I'm ok at analyzing stuff, but I can't do that.
ladyangel Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 Originally posted by Thinkalot LOL "stuff up": to stuff things up, as in , to wreck things up, or to f*ck up. : Thanks for the clarification. I learned something new. I think I understand what Johan is saying about patterns. If you seem to be the one who usually has a problem letting him have his space after an argument and you feel the need to contact him, talk to him, send him flowers, etc., maybe you should try a new tact. Just leave him a short note saying you're sorry the two of you fought, or you're sorry for something specific you did or said, and let it be. Give him his space. That way you've extended the olive branch but you're not pushing him before he's ready.
meanon Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 That's a tough call Moi, sound like it still hurts Thinkalot, do you remember several weeks ago when you somehow managed to let go of your anxieties about certain things and get in a more positive frame of mind? You weren't sure what had made the difference? the detachment thing worked for you too, right? Both were a letting go of control. I know it's hard in the heat of the moment but maybe it would help to think of the need to pursue the argument as an issue of control. There's no point in arguing with someone who is not responding and there's more than one way to skin a cat. The inability to leave it alone is just like the need to ask the questions about his past. It's the need for absolute certainty and reassurance. Just like with the questioning, it's self defeating.
moimeme Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 That's a tough call Moi, sound like it still hurts I feel I failed, certainly. And all the rationale in the world, which people have offered and which I have attempted to construct, has not quite managed to convince me that I didn't. Not that I'd want the relationship back - for sure - but maybe that it would have been he who chose to end it for other reasons rather than me for that one. All I know is that I understand how people can have limits beyond which they find it impossible to go. I expect Bunnyboy's better than me at that, Thinkalot, though you're nothing like the fellow I was dealing with. But even he may have a limit. You know that saying about being on someone's last nerve?
meanon Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 Sounds like guilt to me Moi. It's such a destructive emotion but so hard to get rid of. If it still bothers you then rather than trying to fight the thoughts to construct rationale to keep them at bay, admit to the thing you feel guilty about and forgive yourself. I'm not saying you could have done more but somehow knowing that isn't getting through to your heart. This works for some people. Thinkalot, I think this situation is very different to yours
Author Thinkalot Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 You ladies are tops. Moi...please don't think you failed!!!! You probably did 100 times better than other people would have. I think meanon's advice might be good actually. Don't feel guilty about it. (That's good coming from me hey? I always feel guilty about stuff...I feel guilty today!) I just would like more peace in my home. Bottom line. And yet, I keep doing things which create tension. As does he. ladyangel...stepping back is smart for sure. I get terrified of losing him though. Johan....sounds like our arguments. My fiance tells me I go around and around in circles, repeating things,...and it drives him crazy! It's like I have to point out every little thing.
Author Thinkalot Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 You ladies are tops. Moi...please don't think you failed!!!! You probably did 100 times better than other people would have. I think meanon's advice might be good actually. Don't feel guilty about it. (That's good coming from me hey? I always feel guilty about stuff...I feel guilty today!) I just would like more peace in my home. Bottom line. And yet, I keep doing things which create tension. As does he. ladyangel...stepping back is smart for sure. I get terrified of losing him though. Johan....sounds like our arguments. My fiance tells me I go around and around in circles, repeating things,...and it drives him crazy! It's like I have to point out every little thing.
Author Thinkalot Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 He got the flowers and was really pleased with them. I don't BTW, send flowers all the time. I've done it a few times in our relationship though,and he gets a kick out of it, even though I know some men would think it was not macho enough or something. We both apologised. I said sorry for carrying on about stuff, and he said sorry for reacting and being a real grumpy. I few things were NOT resolved...but guess what? (big breathe) I'm going to let them go! Anyhow...I feel much relief that the air is cleared again...now I can enjoy my birthday cake at work this arvo! (they always buy a cake if it's your birthday, and cos mine was in the weekend...I get cake today!)
hugznkisses21 Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I just came across this post and I was thinking I am they SAME way. We argue about dumb stuff all the time that I think is such a big deak at the time and then I beat myself up for it after thinking he is going to leave me and such. I need to learn to just let things go and roll off my back more...like he does. He NEVER starts an argument. Mostly cause he doesnt say anything cause he doesnt want to argue...men always take the EASY way out. But I persoanlly have to get something off my chest or it will bug me all day so im a talker. At the end we say sorry for this sorry for that and after we sleep on it or a day or so we are usually fine. But what I want to ask is can a relationship hold out and flurish with the arguments hapening even though they are pety things? The love, caring and everythign else is there....just the communication and arguing issues sometimes keep us on our toes.....does this mean we are not meant to be together?
Author Thinkalot Posted January 5, 2005 Author Posted January 5, 2005 No, I dont think it means you are not meant to be together at all. It means your personality types, you pasts and learned communication styles etc, may just be at odds sometimes. You can learn to improve that. Counselling can help. Understanding the cycles can help. Learning how to express what's bugging you, without blaming can help, and your partner learning to listen, without getting annoyed. etc etc It can take time. My own issues have been complicated by more than just communication problems. My OCD has obviously worsened things. But read my post in this section from yesterday! we are doing really well...and we get married in a few months. I think love can still flourish with arguments...but it can flourish even more with less arguments, and more constructive discussion.
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