favre Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I have been married for 9 years, at the 2 year point, things were getting stale and I happened to meet a 10 year younger girl. SHe was married as well. We spent the next 7years (cheating basically) and it grew into something much more. I have 2 kids of my own and she has 3 kids. My wife doesn't know about the affair, and I know how rotten I am for it. The OW left her husband about 5 months ago and moved out. The divorce wasn't official until a month ago. THe new girl and I planned on me leaving my wife next. On a friday 2 weeks ago we decide I am going to leave my wife. (She said she would wait for me as long as it takes and wants to spend the rest of her life with me) One week later the OW disappears all night and doesnt text me.. Very odd I thought. One week later she ditches me again. WHile I was out of town, I find out she took her new "friend" to the bars. He has been over there lots on the past week. When I asked her wth happened to us being to together, she said I took too long and that she doesn't want us to lose what we had.. Which were all the good times and nothing "real life" Just last night, she had her new guy pick up a table from my house and bring it down to her.. I never wanted to see this guy but now I have nightmares about the 2 of them in that damn truck. I can't sleep or eat. SHe still wants to see me on the side, but it's killing me. I think I should still leave my wife. I know I messed this up myself but am heartbroken
worldgonewrong Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 What's happening to you is called 'karma' biting you in the ass. The cheater got cheated on by the woman he cheated with, who is also a cheater. Ahhh, delicious irony. You're soaking in it. 5
M30USA Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Would Favre still not get any sympathy if he were a woman who said she was emotionally neglected by her husband? Just a thought. 2
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I think it boils down to this. Either divorce your wife and do family counselling to help your kids adjust to living in two separate homes, or tell your wife the truth so you both can try to salvage the marriage. Allow her the choice to decide what she wants to do. Cheating on her so early in the marriage because it was 'stale' is very immature. Why didn't you reach out to her and try to make things better? Why not do marriage counselling and try to fix things? Why did you cheat instead? Forget the OW since she is playing games with you now that she's single and wants to mess around with other men, not be committed to one person. If she truly loved you and wanted a life with you she would have waited since it seems you two had a plan. 1
Steen719 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Would Favre still not get any sympathy if he were a woman who said she was emotionally neglected by her husband? Just a thought. Yes, a cheater generally garners sympathy from other cheaters regardless of gender. 2
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Would Favre still not get any sympathy if he were a woman who said she was emotionally neglected by her husband? Just a thought. No difference. Sorry but going ahead and cheating because a spouse is neglecting the other spouse is NOT an excuse. People expect too much of their spouses. Not all needs are met 24/7, 365 days a year! That still doesn't give the person a right to go and cheat. 2
Author favre Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 If I tell her and she wants to work it out, is there a chance? I so far do not find her attractive, I don't want to do anything with her, and I dislike kissing her. I think the OW may have been responsible for most of that.. I'm not sure My dad tells me I have to stay so I don't f up the kids.. He said there isn't a chance in hell they will be happy again.
CarrieT Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If I tell her and she wants to work it out, is there a chance? I so far do not find her attractive, I don't want to do anything with her, and I dislike kissing her. I'm assuming you mean your wife? I think the OW may have been responsible for most of that.. I'm not sure No - you are responsible for your own feelings and actions. You married your wife for some reason, didn't you? Was she attractive when you married her? Did you like kissing her then? My dad tells me I have to stay so I don't f up the kids.. He said there isn't a chance in hell they will be happy again. So your Dad knows about your affair? The kids will be f**d up when/if they find out their father is a cheat and liar. You won't be able to hide that fact from them if they live in a loveless marriage - I think it better to move on and teach them how to at least be honest. 1
Steen719 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If I tell her and she wants to work it out, is there a chance? I so far do not find her attractive, I don't want to do anything with her, and I dislike kissing her. I think the OW may have been responsible for most of that.. I'm not sure My dad tells me I have to stay so I don't f up the kids.. He said there isn't a chance in hell they will be happy again. I say this sincerely, really. You need to get into counseling soon. You are blaming the OW for your feelings for your W. You don't want to kiss your W or have anything to do with her, but are considering staying with her. Your father is trying to help, I am sure, but children will not be happy growing up in a house without love and with dissension and children deserve to live in a home with love. Aside from all of that, your W should have say in her future. She may not want to stay with someone who has cheated on her for 7 years. As for seeing the OW while she is seeing someone else, what in the world are you thinking? Think about how much she loves you that she can go to someone else so freely. Really? You think she loves you? Come on..open your eyes. Get some help in how to broach this subject with your wife and let her be part of the decision. She may make the decision for you. Whatever you do, you need to go to IC soon and get a grip on who you are and what you want. 2
M30USA Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If I tell her and she wants to work it out, is there a chance? I so far do not find her attractive, I don't want to do anything with her, and I dislike kissing her. I think the OW may have been responsible for most of that.. I'm not sure My dad tells me I have to stay so I don't f up the kids.. He said there isn't a chance in hell they will be happy again. I don't believe that. I grew up with divorced parents and I'm content in life. Forget happiness. Contentment is the most important thing. My own boys, 4 and 2, are happier (at least around me) than when me and my wife lived together. Don't listen to your dad on this one. 1
worldgonewrong Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Would Favre still not get any sympathy if he were a woman who said she was emotionally neglected by her husband? Just a thought. We would have to parse out the definition of "emotionally neglected" first. There's too many easy safety-hatches out there in pop-psych lingo-land that people grab onto when they simply want to give up. "Emotionally neglected" is one such term. Sometimes that term disguises the fact that both parties just did a poor job in communicating with each other, or that party A (the aggrieved) just didn't like being contradicted, period. Yes, sometimes it's a real term, but more often than not, I think it's a Joker in the deck. 2
Author favre Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 I'm assuming you mean your wife? yes No - you are responsible for your own feelings and actions. You married your wife for some reason, didn't you? Was she attractive when you married her? Did you like kissing her then? I think at first, but lost interest in her rather quickly.. SHe is a great mom and cleans and cooks, but I just don't have the attraction, or desire with her anymore. So your Dad knows about your affair? The kids will be f**d up when/if they find out their father is a cheat and liar. You won't be able to hide that fact from them if they live in a loveless marriage - I think it better to move on and teach them how to at least be honest. I told him.. In fact they knew something was wrong when I have been so depressed latly
Character Floss Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Regardless...she deserves to know. Based on my own narrow situation, I doubt there is much reason for the two of you to be married. The OW did not change your feelings about your wife, but I don't buy the "you changed them," either. You may have let them change...like letting weeds overrun a garden; or, sometimes, you realize they are not there, because the deep, underlying commitment of the heart, gladly given in love, was not there to begin with. The one twist I'll add is this: You may look in the mirror and realize you do not want to be married to your wife. If so, tell her about the affair and ask for a divorce (tell her you are getting one), so that she does not suffer the additional pain of asking you to reconcile and you blowing her off. The one point where I will vehemently disagree with others is the attitude of, "Let her take everything you have." You have screwed up her life and your kids' lives, and even your own; however, there are laws and principles guiding the division of assets and incomes, and the "you should leave with nothing" attitude is one you should ignore. If your wife has not worked outside the home, then like me, you will be paying a lot (I pay about 65% of my net income) and deserve to pay a lot; if she and you earn about the same, etc., it's a different situation and don't let your betrayal of her move you by guilt into something untenable. You'll feel like ordinary Germans during the years of the Wiemar republic, chafing under the reparations agreement imposed by the French.
fucpcg Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Would Favre still not get any sympathy if he were a woman who said she was emotionally neglected by her husband? Just a thought. Things were that stale at the 2 year mark? This went on for 7 years behind wife's back!? I have full sympathy for a woman/man in a marriage where their partner gave up on satisfying the other, and could even consider viewing their position if it led to an act of indiscrection, maybe, but him diving into the pool of cheating 2 years after marriage, and keeping it up for 7 years after.... What a stretch.
Author favre Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 I say this sincerely, really. You need to get into counseling soon. *Can I assume marriage counseling? Get some help in how to broach this subject with your wife and let her be part of the decision. She may make the decision for you. Whatever you do, you need to go to IC soon and get a grip on who you are and what you want. *Can I assume marriage counseling?
Steen719 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Both, favre. You need to see what is within you that allows you to practice such deception for such a long time. Stop contacting the OW. She is muddying up the water and she doesn't want you anyway. You also have to be able to tell your wife what she needs to know about the affair & your feelings towards her. It is impossible for me to know what she will say. If she wants to divorce, counseling may help you divorce "well". If you two decide to stay together, I don't see how you could do this without MC. Even then, it seems like an impossibly difficult uphill battle, given your lack of love for your wife. It doesn't seem to me that your feelings for your W are impacted by the OW, as it sometimes does when a person is in a fairly new affair. I agree with Character Floss: The OW did not change your feelings about your wife, but I don't buy the "you changed them," either. You may have let them change...like letting weeds overrun a garden; or, sometimes, you realize they are not there, because the deep, underlying commitment of the heart, gladly given in love, was not there to begin with. My position is one of a BS, so I can only look at it (honestly) from that perspective. I think your wife should know about this as soon as possible and I really feel for her. She has a world of hurt coming her way; it will impact her for the rest of her life. There really is no reason to cheat on another person, in my eyes. You always have the ability to leave first. There are no excuses, no justifications for this, so take your medicine and tell her what she deserves to know. Then, figure out what in the world you want before you marry someone else. 1
M30USA Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Better tell her NOW than waiting for her to catch you...like by reading these posts. A woman would want to know that you came to the end of an affair on you own, and out of self-realization that you love her...rather than having her forever wonder if you stopped only because you got busted. 1
Author favre Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 How do you go about getting counseling? Do you contact your regular DR for a referral?
M30USA Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 How do you go about getting counseling? Do you contact your regular DR for a referral? Your options: 1) Contact human resources at your job to see if they offer Employee Assistance Program. If so, you might have free sessions. (Mine offers 5 free sessions.) 2) Find a list of counselors/therapists in your area. Call them individually and they will tell you if you can see them without a doctor referral. Also make sure to ask them if they take your insurance. 3) Pay out of pocket. They probably run in the area of $75 to $125 per session for a Master's-educated counselor. Good luck man.
Steen719 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If your insurance requires a referral, yes. Or if you trust your GP enough to give you a good referral, yes. Otherwise, if your insurance will cover it without referrals, you can ask friends if they have a someone they think would be good or you can google reviews of therapists in your area and see who you think will be a good match. They usually will have reviews. Call them, give them your insurance information...they most likely will get it from you anyway and then you are set. If you do not have insurance, that will be different and then you will need to see who will accept sliding scale or for free. IMHO, church counselors can be good, but can also be not so good, depending on what they are like (I guess like other therapists). If you can, I think you would be better served by seeing a clinical therapist.
Steen719 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Your options: 1) Contact human resources at your job to see if they offer Employee Assistance Program. If so, you might have free sessions. (Mine offers 5 free sessions.) Good luck man. Oh, yeah, good idea. That would be a good place to start. Our employee assistance was primarily for referrals, though. Good if it is more.
trippi1432 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Wow!! Just when I was telling myself today that I needed to stop reading LS and was going to give it up....along comes this. Just Wow! Love the pen-name by the way there OP. What I would like to know is this....how did you keep it from her for 7 years?? I would agree that you need individual counseling....if nothing else, to find the right way to break this to her, if there even is a right way.
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