How to handle this anger?

[DreamingWarrior]

So I have this emotional problem with my boyfriend and his family….

 

You see, my boyfriend had this close friend that was a girl ever since middle school. They were pretty close for quite a while, even when I came into the picture. She had a boyfriend of three years while I was dating my boyfriend, so at the time I didn't really think much of their friendship until her and her boyfriend started having problems. That was when everything started changing. She started coming over a lot more, spending time with his whole family more, and invited him and his family to just about everything. Even buying and making them presents. Nothing for me though. The only thing I got was "Oh, yeah sure! She's such a nice girl! She's a good friend!" …….Sure? The supposed "friendship" me and her tried to maintain never really felt right. Maybe it was where we were too different? Or how she would constantly come over to spend time with my boyfriend and his family? Yeah. I about snapped a few times. His family never helped the situation either by trying to invite her to every camping trip or road trip they had. Did I mention there was even a time she tried to get "dirt" on me? She was such a great "friend" to me.

 

To make things even worse, me and my boyfriend did break up for about a week because of our arguments revolving around that subject. This resulted in her confessing that she really liked my boyfriend and them kissing and flirting for the whole week. Of course, that didn't last long. My boyfriend came back to me, confessing everything that had happened and telling me he made a mistake and that the only reason he even kissed her in the first place was to forget what had happened and try to move on, but he couldn't and that it felt wrong. I was shocked he admitted it so quickly, but I couldn't be mad at him. I had almost done the same thing with someone else he had hated and forgave him and we became a close couple again. Later that day you could probably guess she was pretty mad and upset about what had happened and was quick to say how much of a crybaby I was and how I didn't deserve her best friend in the first place.

 

So, fast forward to NOW. Things are a lot different. She no longer comes around when i'm near and I never see much of her anymore. My relationship with my boyfriend has gotten a LOT better, minus a few arguments now and then, but better. I guess you could say that life is pretty peaceful, but there are still a few problems with my boyfriend's family. In the beginning and around the middle, I thought they would have been willing to let go. Instead? They still invite her around when i'm not over and still try and hang out with her even when my boyfriend isn't around. His mom has even taken her to the lake with her once over the weekend. I felt pretty hurt about it when I found out. No matter what I say, his family, or his mom rather, still tries to be close with her. Why? Because of how she acts so much like her and i'm so different in comparison.

 

I may be a crybaby about it I guess, but I feel pretty hurt when I log onto Facebook and see his mother post comments about how "special" the other girl is to her and that she is practically her other mom. She doesn't get it either how that hurts my feelings. My boyfriend has tried explaining to his mom about how I feel, (He distanced their friendship a lot for the sake of our relationship.) Of course his mom still chooses to blame what had happened during the break up his fault for making me and that other girl so angry at each other. He's the reason why she can't invite the other girl over whenever she wants and just have a big "girl" time together. He gave up after a while since he didn't want to argue with his family about it anymore. I didn't blame him and didn't want their to be any issues so I just dropped it.

 

In any case, I still have a lot of bad jealousy issues when it comes to this girl. It's built up in such a rage now that I can't even look at her without my face heating up. I don't know what to do about his parents either. I feel like everything is my fault. (Which it really is….but I didn't know what to do with her hanging around so much. I felt replaced…) I feel so guilty for ending one of my boyfriend's friendships and for making everyone else miserable at the same time. My boyfriend forgives me and constantly lets me know that he chose me and that things were better this way, but….I want to feel special to his parents. I may be selfish right now for wanting all of their attention I guess, but i've always felt like she was the other woman. I don't know how to act anymore….

[Radu]

So I have this emotional problem with my boyfriend and his family….

 

You see, my boyfriend had this close friend that was a girl ever since middle school. They were pretty close for quite a while, even when I came into the picture. She had a boyfriend of three years while I was dating my boyfriend, so at the time I didn't really think much of their friendship until her and her boyfriend started having problems. That was when everything started changing. She started coming over a lot more, spending time with his whole family more, and invited him and his family to just about everything. Even buying and making them presents. Nothing for me though. The only thing I got was "Oh, yeah sure! She's such a nice girl! She's a good friend!" …….Sure? The supposed "friendship" me and her tried to maintain never really felt right. Maybe it was where we were too different? Or how she would constantly come over to spend time with my boyfriend and his family? Yeah. I about snapped a few times. His family never helped the situation either by trying to invite her to every camping trip or road trip they had. Did I mention there was even a time she tried to get "dirt" on me? She was such a great "friend" to me.

 

To make things even worse, me and my boyfriend did break up for about a week because of our arguments revolving around that subject. This resulted in her confessing that she really liked my boyfriend and them kissing and flirting for the whole week. Of course, that didn't last long. My boyfriend came back to me, confessing everything that had happened and telling me he made a mistake and that the only reason he even kissed her in the first place was to forget what had happened and try to move on, but he couldn't and that it felt wrong. I was shocked he admitted it so quickly, but I couldn't be mad at him. I had almost done the same thing with someone else he had hated and forgave him and we became a close couple again. Later that day you could probably guess she was pretty mad and upset about what had happened and was quick to say how much of a crybaby I was and how I didn't deserve her best friend in the first place.

 

So, fast forward to NOW. Things are a lot different. She no longer comes around when i'm near and I never see much of her anymore. My relationship with my boyfriend has gotten a LOT better, minus a few arguments now and then, but better. I guess you could say that life is pretty peaceful, but there are still a few problems with my boyfriend's family. In the beginning and around the middle, I thought they would have been willing to let go. Instead? They still invite her around when i'm not over and still try and hang out with her even when my boyfriend isn't around. His mom has even taken her to the lake with her once over the weekend. I felt pretty hurt about it when I found out. No matter what I say, his family, or his mom rather, still tries to be close with her. Why? Because of how she acts so much like her and i'm so different in comparison.

 

I may be a crybaby about it I guess, but I feel pretty hurt when I log onto Facebook and see his mother post comments about how "special" the other girl is to her and that she is practically her other mom. She doesn't get it either how that hurts my feelings. My boyfriend has tried explaining to his mom about how I feel, (He distanced their friendship a lot for the sake of our relationship.) Of course his mom still chooses to blame what had happened during the break up his fault for making me and that other girl so angry at each other. He's the reason why she can't invite the other girl over whenever she wants and just have a big "girl" time together. He gave up after a while since he didn't want to argue with his family about it anymore. I didn't blame him and didn't want their to be any issues so I just dropped it.

 

In any case, I still have a lot of bad jealousy issues when it comes to this girl. It's built up in such a rage now that I can't even look at her without my face heating up. I don't know what to do about his parents either. I feel like everything is my fault. (Which it really is….but I didn't know what to do with her hanging around so much. I felt replaced…) I feel so guilty for ending one of my boyfriend's friendships and for making everyone else miserable at the same time. My boyfriend forgives me and constantly lets me know that he chose me and that things were better this way, but….I want to feel special to his parents. I may be selfish right now for wanting all of their attention I guess, but i've always felt like she was the other woman. I don't know how to act anymore….

 

I think your hatred and jealousy is both missplaced and not worth being there.

The person at fault here is not your bf, not you, and certainly not the other girl [i assume you two are both in HS or ending HS], it's his mom.

 

Your bf realised and tried to stand up to her and defend you, which is good for both your relationship and him.

I think his mom actually hates you and is not that good of a parent.

 

Let me give you an example from my life.

I was about 11 when i went to the seaside with my mother and sister as my dad was held up on business and was joining us later.

In our group there was another younger boy who came alone and with limited money.

My mother started inviting him to eat breakfast and dinner with us and generally allowed him to hang around with us all day.

It was all nice and beautifull untill about 3 days in when at the breakfast table he made a few comments, about the fact that i should obey my mother, and some more comments that put down one of us two kids while elevating the other.

My mother immediately cut him off.

 

Do you know why ?

Because a good mother doesn't play favorites and doesn't pit her kids one against the other and NEVER allows her kids to be put down to uplift other children that are foreign to her family, or lets someone else do that to her own kids.

 

I think his mother hates you, either through this girl's scheming, or maybe she thinks you are taking her son's attention from her, or maybe she just plainly doesn't like your face.

I have a suspicion that his mother is the jealous one, of you and she sees this girl as a way for her son to have a gf that won't take him away from her.

 

Why don't you write more about this woman, about his family life, everything.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Radu

[DreamingWarrior]

His mother? I guess you could say that she is the kind of person who isn't happy unless everyone else is happy. At least, that's the way my boyfriend and other family members has described her. She has been nice to me and has stood up for me a few times, even during the time the other girl had tried getting dirt on me, although she was right back to being a buddy buddy with her later.

 

She is a very friendly person. Very sociable, and outgoing. Likes to party.Creative and loves to make things. We are somewhat, opposites when it comes to personality, but we share a lot of the same hobbies. I could never say I truly dislike her, rather that I am more annoyed with this whole situation that's she's putting us all through. She's putting her son through.

 

His dad and the rest of the family however are turning a bling eye to everything. Nobody wants to be involved. His dad has stated that he thinks the other girl is alright, but if his son thinks it's best to end it then it's his decision. The rest of his family I don't even know what they think. They just remain quiet about it.

 

I actually just heard recently that his parents are both worried that I have been controlling their son's decision with ending his friendship with her over my pouting. They think i'm at fault for everything. I know they do. I had no intentions of doing this and feel so very guilty for what happened. I wish I could set things right again, but the fact is is that I made a mistake and I can't take it back. I didn't know how to handle seeing my boyfriend and his family get so close to some other girl.

 

I feel pretty hurt right now over his mom. Hearing her say how much she loves the other girl and how unwilling she is to let her go. I know I should just drop it, but I don't know how to act around her anymore after all this. I just want to give up.

 

What hurts me the most actually, is knowing my boyfriend is getting all of this yelling when they know I share the blame. I'm getting tired of seeing his mom yell at him over this and am about to say something soon.

[Radu]

What ages are you two ?

 

It's just odd that this girl that does not call them 'dad' and 'mom' could actually have so much sway over them in the detriment of their son.

To my mind it either screams 'manipulated' or 'shared interest', either way it's odd as hell.

 

What is this girl's background ?

Why is she so accepted in their family ?

[DreamingWarrior]

We're both 19. I know, we're still really young.

 

To be honest I never understood it either. His mom calls her, her adopted daughter. I guess it's because they are so much alike. His mom is just an overly friendly person, which isn't a bad thing, I just wish it wasn't with her. She has a thing about not wanting to be the bad person, so she doesn't want to just abandon her. She still wants to spend quality time with her and can't because she knows how I feel and how i'm always around with her son.

 

As far as background goes, i'm not too sure. I know her and my boyfriend have known each other since middle school but didn't actually become friends until their second year in high school. So basically around the time me and him started dating. From what i've heard from my boyfriend, she use to be pretty quiet and shy until she started dating his best friend. Then she started becoming a lot more talkative and outgoing. She was over protective of my boyfriend as well the closer they became friends I noticed. She didn't really like any of the girls he dated, including me. Neither of us liked one another from the start though.

 

The reason why she's so accepted is because of how she was nice to his family. How she treated my boyfriend and his brother. The way she was, I guess, was just a plus for them to have some fun, until I came into the picture. Her and his mom got close and his mom started thinking of her as a daughter. I made a big mistake and got jealous because I wanted to be that close to her. I wanted to be close with my boyfriend. I was being very selfish, but at the same time I just didn't like her personality. It was becoming more personal. Yeah, I liked the fact that she liked his family and all. It was sweet. However, she wasn't exactly all that nice to anyone outside of his family. Especially to me. You could tell our friendship wasn't real. She would make snide little comments every now and then and it would irritate me to no end.

 

Now she makes it very obvious to the fact that she doesn't like me. Though I did read a text once my boyfriend showed me that she sent him saying "I wish me and your girlfriend didn't want to kill each other so much and be friends again. I miss hanging out with my bestie!!!" He thought it was funny. If we really were friends in the past, then she would have at least spit out a little apology to me after what had happened. I had apologized a lot to her before, but I at least wanted one for what she did with him behind my back. Never got one and I doubt I ever will.

[Radu]

I think this girl has a crush on him, or she is just immature and is jealous of her lost time with him ... time he spends with her.

 

Still, very odd behaviour from his mom.

I mean seriously ... she was 'accepted' with them when she was 16, so that's just 3yrs, 3yrs is pretty fast for 'best friends'.

Does he have a sister ?

Maybe his mom sees her as the daughter she never had.

Where are the girl's parents in all of this, if someone would say about my child 'i'm like her 2nd mother' and it wasn't a 1st grade teacher [they are publicly acknowledged as moms from school here] i would be royally pissed.

 

Btw, i hope you understand that at this point if your bf doesn't stand up to this girl or his mom, your relationship won't last long.

And if you plan to be with this guy for a long time, say marriage, you need to make his mom truly understand to butt out.

By choosing her over you she is actually interfering in her son's love life and tbh ... it's quite insulting [at least that's how it would feel to me].