BenF Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Hi all, I'm new to this website just signed up. I'm just in desperate need of some advice, in a bit of a crisis with my girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend now I have NO idea). Basically, we've been together around 6 months now, and I love her like I've never loved anyone before. When we met we immediately hit it off and I fell for her relatively quickly. Before we started going out, I'd always said to her that I don't want to be with anyone who smokes or goes out getting drunk on the street, thats just one of my principles I don't agree with it. She had a short history of doing that sort of thing, but had told me that she HATED it (Actually, after one smoking and drinking thing she did before we were going out, she self harmed herself because she couldn't believe she'd done it again, and she said she didn't want to lose me). From the start she called me her 'Angel', she said she knew that there was a better way of life, and that I would be so good for her because she didn't want to hang around anymore with her bad influenced peers. For quite a while we fell in love without any hick-ups, I've had some of the best times of my life with her and she has as well. She would always say that she is SO glad to have me and would sometimes say 'Ben, never leave me, never leave me'. (Again only just a couple of days ago). Over the months there have been occasions where I have tried to help her, because she had been getting pressure from her old friends to do stuff, stuff that she had told me she didn't want to do. So naturally I would try and help her and say don't do it you're so much better than that. It now turns out that she is now blaming me for controlling her, baring in mind I wouldn't have tried to help her if she had said to me thats what she wanted to do... but she had always given me the impression, often in tears, that she didn't want that anymore. Anyway, even up to 2 days ago, we had an amazing time with each other, had a fantastic day out and felt closer to her than ever. However, night before last night we were chatting on Skype, and she was telling me how she'd spent her day with one of her old friends. I was like thats cool, and was asking her about her day. And then just as a general question (because I thought she hated smoking like she'd always told me), I was like... ''does Kristina still smoke? I hope she wasn't blowing it on you!''. . and she was like ''yeah she does, she always tries to offer me one''. And then again, as a general question I just asked '' Ahh that sucks, when did you last smoke with her? ''... and she dropped herself in it, cause she blurted out 'oh mid january sometime'. Well we'd been going out for a month or two at that point, and through all of that time she had been telling me to trust her that she wasn't smoking or doing anything like that anymore, and that she hated it. So naturally (although I wish It hadn't been my natural reaction), I got really angry and upset, just over the fact that she had lied to me for quite a long time about something. I over-reacted, sent her a couple of pictures and was like... ''so when you we were here like this you were lying to me all that time???'' It's worth noting that I of course forgave her for lying, because I love her. I wish I hadn't have reacted so harshly, but at that... she said something like ''you've just killed me, I don't want this''. And then I ended up in tears on Skype and it all got really messy, I was saying I was gonna come round and talk to her cause she went all suicidle. Skype finished, I ended up getting a text saying 'I loved you so much' (past-tense worth noting) and a mumbly phone call. I was naturally, distraught. But I sent her a text saying that I was sorry for my reaction but that it was just a natural reaction and that I wish I could have stopped it. I called her the next morning and asked if it was alright if I came over to talk on the night after work, she said yeah. I had the worst day ever thinking that she was going to break up with me when I got there. Usually it takes me 45 mins to drive to hers, but this time it took 2 and a half hours cause of traffic, and I was getting really worked up and upset cause she text me and was like i'll come out to your car when you get here (not wanting me in the house). I hadn't had a drink since 2 that day (it was now 8) and i sent her a text back saying that I was incredibly thirsty and would it be ok to come in for a drink. When I got to her front door, and she answered, I was so worked up and upset expecting the worst that i had an asthma attack and was crying as soon as I saw her face. After my hyperventilations calmed down, she then comforted me saying that she loved me and wasn't going to break up with me. However we went upstairs to talk and it became apparent that she had just said that to calm me down, because then for an hour she was telling me how much she ****ing hated me and that she wanted me to **** off and never see me again and that she was going to go out get drunk and smoke because she hated me so much. She also rubbed in how much she loved being drunk. (Remember at this point that the WHOLE of the relationship thus far she'd been telling me how much she hated drinking and smoking and that I was her angel and that she never wanted me to leave her because I was so good to her and that she loves me) So naturally all of this new information completely screwed me over. But I said that If I had known that she really did enjoy all that stuff (which doesn't make sense at all cause shed always been in tears over how much she hated it), I wouldn't have tried to discourage her from her peers and old friends that did. She took that as me controlling... when I was just trying to help. It also became apparent that not long ago she had gone out with her friend and got drunk... and she'd never told me anything, except again how much she hated it. Anyway I went to get some food downstairs... shaking (Im very upset typing all this) and she came down and sat with me at the table. All of a sudden after about 5 minutes she said ''I understand, I forgive you, I can't leave you :S ) At that point Id had enough, Id had an hour of her telling me she hated me and never wanted to see me.. ''I so hate you, I so so hate you''. And now she was saying the opposite. My asthma kicked in again and I had to go to my car for inhalers.. she came out with me trying to hold me saying she loved me.. but i was so upset and confused at that point I just broke away from her and ran... i just ran... I collapsed, and had another asthma attack. Anyway, all that was a bit of a blur but an ambulance turned up and they had to check me over. after about 20 mins I walked back to her house with her sister.... she said that my gf had told her to say that she loves me. When I got back to her house she was in tears talking to her mom, and i was too ill to drive home so i slept over in her sisters room. She came into the room later that night and cried saying i love you. she then sat next to me and we half cuddled. but then she got uncomfortable, moved away and said... ''I love you, see you sometime in the future, i like your family, goodnight''. I left the next morning (today) without seeing anyone else in the house. I had work, but I'm back home now ill I had another asthma attack. She sent me a text this morning saying, ''don't worry about Facebook i don't want to deal with this like that its silly. have a good day at work''. I text saying, I got your message call me when ready. And then she said ''how are you though how is your asthma? I hope you will be fine''. Well after that text I had my asthma attack and the rest is history... but before I came home i sent her a text saying Im ok, just had another asthma attack though so I'm going home now i don't feel very well. And now she hasn't text me back for a few hours. My question is... wtf is going on?????? I don't know whether she's broken up with me, just having time to think, or waiting til I feel better to break up with me?? Im so confused because only a couple of days ago she was telling me how much she loved me and that she never wanted me to leave her. I just don't know what to do... Does she love me? or hate me? I can't tell, and its driving me crazy Please help!!!
Philosoraptor Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 This relationship sounds like it was built on wishes and hopes more than having an actual foundation. It looks like she was trying to be someone she wasn't in order to be with you, but that person was always underneath and felt suffocated. She did it to herself and is now blaming you for it... how nice of her. It sounds like right now she is just an emotional mess and is taking it out on you. Personally with all that I've learned in this world I wouldn't stand for it. There are billions of women on this planet and the majority of them will treat you better than this. She seems like a child and you really need to date an emotional adult.
flitzanu Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 sorry, only made it halfway in the story but after what i read, i'm not sure why you want to be with a girl that is clearly not the type of girl you want to be with. she drinks, smokes, parties, whatever, and you don't like that. so find another girl. you shouldn't expect her to change for you, because what's the sacrifice on your side? you don't have to change any of your interests, but she has to change? i'm sure she's great and i'm sure you're great, but you want someone that doesn't do the things she does. if you try to control someone long enough, they eventually rebel against their captor.
mephisto Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 WTF is going on???? Well,you decided to settle for less and she felt your weaknesses. Thats what happened. Now it is up to you to keep wasting your time or to be picky and get women of higher caliber,more into you and that got or shares same values. Whats gonna be,pal ? Hi all, I'm new to this website just signed up. I'm just in desperate need of some advice, in a bit of a crisis with my girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend now I have NO idea). Basically, we've been together around 6 months now, and I love her like I've never loved anyone before. When we met we immediately hit it off and I fell for her relatively quickly. Before we started going out, I'd always said to her that I don't want to be with anyone who smokes or goes out getting drunk on the street, thats just one of my principles I don't agree with it. She had a short history of doing that sort of thing, but had told me that she HATED it (Actually, after one smoking and drinking thing she did before we were going out, she self harmed herself because she couldn't believe she'd done it again, and she said she didn't want to lose me). From the start she called me her 'Angel', she said she knew that there was a better way of life, and that I would be so good for her because she didn't want to hang around anymore with her bad influenced peers. For quite a while we fell in love without any hick-ups, I've had some of the best times of my life with her and she has as well. She would always say that she is SO glad to have me and would sometimes say 'Ben, never leave me, never leave me'. (Again only just a couple of days ago). Over the months there have been occasions where I have tried to help her, because she had been getting pressure from her old friends to do stuff, stuff that she had told me she didn't want to do. So naturally I would try and help her and say don't do it you're so much better than that. It now turns out that she is now blaming me for controlling her, baring in mind I wouldn't have tried to help her if she had said to me thats what she wanted to do... but she had always given me the impression, often in tears, that she didn't want that anymore. Anyway, even up to 2 days ago, we had an amazing time with each other, had a fantastic day out and felt closer to her than ever. However, night before last night we were chatting on Skype, and she was telling me how she'd spent her day with one of her old friends. I was like thats cool, and was asking her about her day. And then just as a general question (because I thought she hated smoking like she'd always told me), I was like... ''does Kristina still smoke? I hope she wasn't blowing it on you!''. . and she was like ''yeah she does, she always tries to offer me one''. And then again, as a general question I just asked '' Ahh that sucks, when did you last smoke with her? ''... and she dropped herself in it, cause she blurted out 'oh mid january sometime'. Well we'd been going out for a month or two at that point, and through all of that time she had been telling me to trust her that she wasn't smoking or doing anything like that anymore, and that she hated it. So naturally (although I wish It hadn't been my natural reaction), I got really angry and upset, just over the fact that she had lied to me for quite a long time about something. I over-reacted, sent her a couple of pictures and was like... ''so when you we were here like this you were lying to me all that time???'' It's worth noting that I of course forgave her for lying, because I love her. I wish I hadn't have reacted so harshly, but at that... she said something like ''you've just killed me, I don't want this''. And then I ended up in tears on Skype and it all got really messy, I was saying I was gonna come round and talk to her cause she went all suicidle. Skype finished, I ended up getting a text saying 'I loved you so much' (past-tense worth noting) and a mumbly phone call. I was naturally, distraught. But I sent her a text saying that I was sorry for my reaction but that it was just a natural reaction and that I wish I could have stopped it. I called her the next morning and asked if it was alright if I came over to talk on the night after work, she said yeah. I had the worst day ever thinking that she was going to break up with me when I got there. Usually it takes me 45 mins to drive to hers, but this time it took 2 and a half hours cause of traffic, and I was getting really worked up and upset cause she text me and was like i'll come out to your car when you get here (not wanting me in the house). I hadn't had a drink since 2 that day (it was now 8) and i sent her a text back saying that I was incredibly thirsty and would it be ok to come in for a drink. When I got to her front door, and she answered, I was so worked up and upset expecting the worst that i had an asthma attack and was crying as soon as I saw her face. After my hyperventilations calmed down, she then comforted me saying that she loved me and wasn't going to break up with me. However we went upstairs to talk and it became apparent that she had just said that to calm me down, because then for an hour she was telling me how much she ****ing hated me and that she wanted me to **** off and never see me again and that she was going to go out get drunk and smoke because she hated me so much. She also rubbed in how much she loved being drunk. (Remember at this point that the WHOLE of the relationship thus far she'd been telling me how much she hated drinking and smoking and that I was her angel and that she never wanted me to leave her because I was so good to her and that she loves me) So naturally all of this new information completely screwed me over. But I said that If I had known that she really did enjoy all that stuff (which doesn't make sense at all cause shed always been in tears over how much she hated it), I wouldn't have tried to discourage her from her peers and old friends that did. She took that as me controlling... when I was just trying to help. It also became apparent that not long ago she had gone out with her friend and got drunk... and she'd never told me anything, except again how much she hated it. Anyway I went to get some food downstairs... shaking (Im very upset typing all this) and she came down and sat with me at the table. All of a sudden after about 5 minutes she said ''I understand, I forgive you, I can't leave you :S ) At that point Id had enough, Id had an hour of her telling me she hated me and never wanted to see me.. ''I so hate you, I so so hate you''. And now she was saying the opposite. My asthma kicked in again and I had to go to my car for inhalers.. she came out with me trying to hold me saying she loved me.. but i was so upset and confused at that point I just broke away from her and ran... i just ran... I collapsed, and had another asthma attack. Anyway, all that was a bit of a blur but an ambulance turned up and they had to check me over. after about 20 mins I walked back to her house with her sister.... she said that my gf had told her to say that she loves me. When I got back to her house she was in tears talking to her mom, and i was too ill to drive home so i slept over in her sisters room. She came into the room later that night and cried saying i love you. she then sat next to me and we half cuddled. but then she got uncomfortable, moved away and said... ''I love you, see you sometime in the future, i like your family, goodnight''. I left the next morning (today) without seeing anyone else in the house. I had work, but I'm back home now ill I had another asthma attack. She sent me a text this morning saying, ''don't worry about Facebook i don't want to deal with this like that its silly. have a good day at work''. I text saying, I got your message call me when ready. And then she said ''how are you though how is your asthma? I hope you will be fine''. Well after that text I had my asthma attack and the rest is history... but before I came home i sent her a text saying Im ok, just had another asthma attack though so I'm going home now i don't feel very well. And now she hasn't text me back for a few hours. My question is... wtf is going on?????? I don't know whether she's broken up with me, just having time to think, or waiting til I feel better to break up with me?? Im so confused because only a couple of days ago she was telling me how much she loved me and that she never wanted me to leave her. I just don't know what to do... Does she love me? or hate me? I can't tell, and its driving me crazy Please help!!!
Author BenF Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Hey guys, thanks for your help. She ended up calling me today, saying that she wants to be with me but that I need to respect her choices. At the moment I have no idea what they are, I have no idea whether she wants to drink and smoke, or whether she was just saying those things to get at me and hurt me when she was angry. I said to her that we should just cool it for a few days, and then meet up and chat calmly. Only then will I know how she feels properly... and depending on how she says she's going to live... i'll know whether the relationship will be worth it or not. If she says she's going to start drinking and smoking again, i'll have no choice but to end it. Any thoughts or words of wisdom? Thanks for your input so far its really appreciated
flitzanu Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Hey guys, thanks for your help. She ended up calling me today, saying that she wants to be with me but that I need to respect her choices. At the moment I have no idea what they are, I have no idea whether she wants to drink and smoke, or whether she was just saying those things to get at me and hurt me when she was angry. I said to her that we should just cool it for a few days, and then meet up and chat calmly. Only then will I know how she feels properly... and depending on how she says she's going to live... i'll know whether the relationship will be worth it or not. If she says she's going to start drinking and smoking again, i'll have no choice but to end it. Any thoughts or words of wisdom? Thanks for your input so far its really appreciated just what was said. either you let her live her life and you accept it, or you move on. this isn't a problem that's going to go away, and you've hopefully learned your lesson with what happens when you try to control someone's behavior. if you can't deal with it, then you leave. don't "put up with it" if you truly don't want to, there are plenty of people in the world to meet that can fit your mold.
Mack05 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) This relationship sounds like it was built on wishes and hopes more than having an actual foundation. It looks like she was trying to be someone she wasn't in order to be with you, but that person was always underneath and felt suffocated. She did it to herself and is now blaming you for it... how nice of her. It sounds like right now she is just an emotional mess and is taking it out on you. Personally with all that I've learned in this world I wouldn't stand for it. There are billions of women on this planet and the majority of them will treat you better than this. She seems like a child and you really need to date an emotional adult. This guy here (Philo) is one of the best on this forum. I will add to that with a simple equation. Two very emotionally immature people = no chance of a happy future.. You both need to seriously grow up, before embarking on a stable healthy relationship. Words Like 'sorry' and 'I love you' mean jack sh ! t when you don't truly comprehend, what those words actually mean and entail in the confines of a relationship. Some people think 'sorry' and 'I love you' solves everything. When you are in a great relationship, you hardly ever have to say either. Your actions speak SOOOOO much more louder, than your words ever could. 'Sorry' and 'I love you' are used regulary by insecure people, who truly don't even know what they even want. Who have no real identity of themselves, or the relationship that they are in. It's ok if you have no idea what I am talking about. When your older and wiser you will..In answer to your question(s) on this thread. 1) She doesn't even know herself and 2) Grow up. Go read the book 'go suck a lemon' about emotional immaturity. In the meantime accept this will never work and stop focusing on her and just you.. You live and learn my friend.. Edited May 30, 2012 by Mack05 1
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